“How does this feel, sweetheart? Nod your head yes if you like it.”
Her head goes up and down several times, and when she turns her head to look at me, she kisses my cheek. I play with her. “What? I only deserve one kiss on the cheek. You can do better than that, Diane.”
I turn her around a little, put one hand on her face, and place a light kiss on her lips. To my surprise, Diane reacts to my kiss. Her hand comes up, and I feel her nails dig into my arm. Several seconds later, we break the kiss. Diane’s face is flushed pink, and her eyes sparkle with tears. “I know baby. We’ll talk about all of it when your throat heals. For now, let's finish bathing, and get you into our bed, where I will hold you until sunrise.” And that’s just what I did. I lay awake all night holding my wife in my arms until I hear the familiar sound of Kellie banging on the bedroom door.
“What is it, Kellie?”
“Why are you sleeping up here Daddy? I went into the room, and Mommy’s not there. I’m scared, Daddy. Where is Mommy?”
Diane is now awake and hears Kellie crying on the other side of the door. I whisper to her, “Are you ready to see Kellie?”
“Yes,” she said, somewhat hoarsely. Thank God, her voice is coming back to her.
“Kellie, give me a minute, and I’ll explain. Go downstairs and ask Granny and Gramps to come up with you. I promise everything is ok.”
“Are you sure, Daddy?”
“I’m sure, sweetheart.”
“Okay, I’ll be back in three minutes. Don’t make me wait for you.”
“Don’t worry sweetheart; I won’t make you wait too long.”
I hear her footsteps run down the hallway, and I know she will be back at my door in three minutes. “Our little girl is going to be a handful when she hits the teenage years. She is telling me not to make her wait. She is so precious to me, Diane. She is your mini-me. I cannot wait to see her face when she sees you. How does your throat feel this morning?”
Diane coughs a few times to clear her throat. I jump out of bed and get her a glass of water. “Take a few slow sips honey. Your throat hasn’t worked much for the past few months. Fill your mouth with water, that’s it baby, now lower your chin, and swallow. You must do this every time you drink or eat something.”
“How does your throat feel now?”
“Not as bad as last night, but it’s still a little scratchy. Help me sit up. I don’t want Kellie to be afraid to see me. How do I look?”
My throat tightens as I answer her. “You look beautiful, my darling, absolutely beautiful.”
Right on cue, Kellie is once again banging on our door. “Hold on a minute, will you. I’ll be right out.”
“Come on Daddy, what’s going on? Where is Mommy?”
I laugh and shake my head. “Just one time I would like our little munchkin to have a little patience.” I get out of bed, and when I open the door, Kellie sees her mother in bed. Mom and Dad stand behind her with tears in their eyes. Kellie screams and runs into the room. I grab her around the waist to stop her from propelling herself onto the bed.
“Easy now Kellie, Diane is still feeling a little sick. Go easy on her baby. Slow down and walk over to the bed.”
Kellie is trembling in my arms. She looks up at me and says, “Ok, I’ll be careful. Can I hug her?”
“Yes, baby. I believe she is waiting for a hug from you.” When I look up at Diane, her arms are outstretched. “See, Mommy is waiting for you to give her a hug and a kiss.” I tap my daughter on the ass and propel her forward. She is hesitant at first and unsure of how to act.
Diane breaks the tension in the room. “I have missed you, Kellie. Can you give me a hug?”
For a second or two, Kellie stands in the middle of the room as the words sink in. Then she realizes what Diane had just said to her. In a high-pitched screeching voice, my baby girl screams “Mommy” and runs into her open arms. Diane’s face is a mixture of relief and happiness, as tears well in her eyes as she holds our baby girl in her arms.
“Mommy, Mommy, I missed you. Did you miss me? Do you remember me?”
“I missed you too Kellie. I still don’t have my memories, but it no longer matters to me. I just miss you.”
“Oh, you don’t remember me when I was a baby?”
“No sweetheart, I don’t, but you know what is more important to me?”
“No, what’s more important, Mommy?”
“What is more important is that I have a second chance to know you and Joey. I know I am your mother, and starting today, I want you to call me Mommy. I am going to live here with all of you, and we will make new memories. Would you like that Kellie?”
The damn finally breaks, and it kills me seeing my daughter shatter, but her tears are happy tears.
“Hush my sweet baby; it's okay baby. Mommy is going to be fine. No more tears sweetheart. I only want to see a smile on your beautiful face.”
Kellie nods as she wipes the tears from her face. “I was scared, Mommy. I visited you every day. I let you sleep with George. Did you know that George kept you company when you were asleep?”
“I did. When I woke up, George was next to me, and the first person I thought of was you.”
“That’s good Mommy. I knew George would keep you company while you were sleeping. Does your head still hurt?”
I also want to hear her answer. We have so much to discuss, but today is not the day. Joey will be home in a few hours, and I want all of us to have a Happy Thanksgiving Day. I am truly thankful to have my family with me, and whatever happens tomorrow, I feel stronger in my resolve to help my wife cope with what I expect will be good days, and not so good days.
“My head still hurts a little, but it’s not too bad Kellie. I will need some time to get better, but I’ll be okay sweetie. Mommy will be okay, and then we can do something fun, just the two of us.”
“Can we go to the mall and see a movie?” Kellie wipes the tears from her eyes. “Can we get ice cream too?”
Diane laughs. “You can have whatever you want sweetheart.”
Kellie looks at me and asks, “Can I have a dog?”
My daughter always tries to manipulate me into getting what she wants. That will not work this time sweetheart. “Let’s discuss this again when Mom is better. I don’t want a dog running around the house while Mom is recovering. She may trip on the dog and get hurt.”
“Oh, no, I don’t want that Daddy. I really don’t need a dog anyway.”
I bend down to kiss my daughter. “We can discuss this in a few months. We need to give Mom a little time before Joey comes home. Why don’t you go downstairs and have breakfast? We’ll be down soon.”
“Okay, Daddy. Bye Mommy!”
My parents are still standing in the doorway, and my father bends down, scoops up Kellie, and hauled her over his shoulder. Kellie’s infectious laughter fills the room. I look over to see Diane crying again. I can only imagine how she is feeling now. My mom smiles at us and closes the door. Alone again, I climb back into bed and gather Diane in my arms. “That was emotional, wasn’t it?”
“Yeah, Ethan, is this really happening?”
“Yes, it is. I’ve waited for a long time, hoping you would come home. We need to take it one day at a time, Diane. There is no rush to do anything but enjoy each other’s company. I’ll sleep downstairs for the immediate future. I don’t want you to feel pressured into anything. I do have one request. I’d like to come up here at night and hold you in my arms until you fall asleep.”
“I don’t want you sleeping in another bed. This is also your bedroom. I feel safe in your arms, Ethan. This is where you belong.”
“You will always belong in my arms, Diane.” My throat is tight with emotion. I can’t help the tears that form in my eyes and run down my face. Months of stress flow out of me. When I turn my face from Diane, she stops me.
“Don’t hide your emotions, Ethan. We must be honest with each other. It’s the only way for us to move forward.”
“Yes, I
know. It’s difficult for me. I’m not a person who cries. I can’t help it now. The frigging tears will not stop. I’m so relieved you are home with us, Diane. You have no idea how relieved I am.”
“I think I know how you feel.” Changing the subject, she asks, “Where is Joey?”
I look at the clock. It is eight in the morning. “Joey’s train arrives at eleven fifteen. Jerry is picking him up at the train station. I told him not to say anything. I want him to be surprised when he walks in the front door and sees you sitting in the living room.”
“I’m so excited. I can’t wait to see Joey.”
“You will be seeing much more of him because he’s transferred to Temple. On top of that, he also switched majors to Neuroscience. He wants to be a doctor. Can you believe that?”
“What convinced him to take such a different career path? If I remember correctly, didn’t Joey want to be an Architect?”
“It was you, honey. What you went through these past six months is the catalyst for Joey’s career path. He wants to help other patients who’ve had head injuries. He told me that seeing you fight to recover changed him. I am so proud of him, Diane. Joey has grown up so much these past few months. My father is beside himself with joy. All I hear is, ‘three generations of doctors in one family.’ He won’t shut up about it.”
“We have so much to be thankful for, but I’m afraid. What happens next for me?”
“I have the case file that Craig gave me last night when we left the hospital. The first order of business on the list is for you to have speech therapy. You haven’t eaten solid food in almost six months, and you need to strengthen the muscles in your larynx. I will call Dr. Marshall tomorrow and schedule an appointment.”
“Second order on the list is physical therapy. Your muscles have atrophied over the past few months. I have two full-time nurses who will be thrilled to see you up and awake tomorrow morning. They’ve taken excellent care of you honey, and because of their loving care, your recovery time will be shortened considerably.”
“What about my mental state? I imagine once I acclimate myself to the day-to-day routine, I’ll have flashbacks. It’s inevitable.”
“That’s where I come in honey. No one knows more than I do what you have endured the past six months. When I tell you it was a living hell for me seeing you that way, I speak the truth. Let’s focus on the other two issues for the next week or two, and see how you feel. We are a team Diane and always have been. When you suffer, I also suffer. Remember the words honey, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health. I told Joey months ago that those words mean something to me, and now that I have you in my arms again, they mean so much more.”
“When I opened my eyes last night, it felt like I had slept for such a long time. Do you want to know what my first memory was?”
“Yes, I would like to know.”
“My first memory was when you took me to Atlantic City, and we rode our bicycles on the boardwalk. I was so happy that day because I felt something for you. It’s hard to explain really. It just felt right, you know? Does that make sense to you? Something inside of me knew you, even if the memories of you did not exist in my mind.”
“I know what you mean, Diane. That was a tough day for me. We had so many happy memories there with the children. I thought of the many times we booked a hotel room to get away from them! Mom and Dad needed a little private time. I looked forward to the weekend because I knew I had you all to myself for a few precious hours.”
“What was it like for you, Ethan? How did you cope with everything?”
“Honestly? It was the worse form of torture I’ve ever experienced in my life. When you woke up from the surgery and looked at me as if I were a stranger, a part of me died. I couldn’t imagine living the rest of my life without my best friend.” I have to clear my throat before I cry like a baby. “The nights were hell for me. I had to come into this bedroom and sleep without you next to me. I missed the way you crawled up my back at night while you slept. I couldn’t sleep, and no matter what I did, the memories of us together in this bed haunted me.”
“The only time I actually slept was when Joey and Kellie slept with me. They suffered too Diane, more so than me. I fought hard to keep us from falling apart as a family. That’s why I decided to bring you home after what happened in the park. It helped our children to see you every day. It helped me knowing you are here with us, and I could see and touch you whenever I wanted to.”
“I’ve been on medical leave of absence from the hospital since August. My primary concern is your health, and until I feel confident that you have recovered both physically and mentally, I’m not going back to work. We need this time honey. I’ll do whatever is necessary to help you.”
Chapter Thirty
Diane
I am at a loss for words after hearing Ethan tell me how my family has suffered the past six months. It feels strange saying ‘my family’ but that’s who they are to me, and it’s time for me to live my life. When I think of what I have lost because someone carelessly got behind the wheel of his car drunk, I want to lash out and hurt him. It makes me even angrier to know my children suffered because of what happened to me. I lost precious time with my kids, time that I will never get back. I already see a change in Kellie. My daughter has grown a few inches since I’ve been sick. I wonder what Joey will look like when I see him later this morning.
I cannot think about what I’ve lost because if my mind goes to that dark place, I will go insane. It also angers me that my parents acted so horribly not only towards me but also to Ethan and Jerry. I remember what Ethan told me about the surgery and their accusations. God, it scares me knowing I almost died during the operation. You take life for granted, and you just don’t realize that in the blink of an eye, your entire world could end. When I think about it, I want to cry. Today is not the day for sad memories. Today is a day for celebrating life. I don’t want to live with the dark memories. However, they flood my mind constantly since I woke up. I remember how it felt to be entrenched in total darkness, with no hope of light. Ethan’s voice breaks through the sadness.
“What is on your mind sweetheart?”
“What am I not thinking about? My mind is a whirlwind of memories, and most of them are not good ones. I know I will need some type of counseling, and I’ll do whatever it takes to live with these memories. I want you to come with me.”
“I think we could both benefit from counseling. You see, I also have bad memories, and we can’t push them aside. We must face them to get past them. Now, let’s get you out of bed and dressed before Joey comes home. We should get some food into your stomach. Do you feel hungry?”
“Yes, I’m starving, but how can I eat?”
“I have that covered my darling. Mom went shopping early this morning and bought a ton of baby food. Also, I can make you a protein drink, but first I need to show you how to swallow while we wait for your first therapy appointment. It’s simple really. Because the esophagus branches off in three different directions, we must be careful that you do not aspirate liquids. Therefore, when you have something in your mouth as I showed you earlier, lower your head until your chin touches your chest, then swallow. This way, the liquid goes up over the larynx, and into your stomach, rather than your lungs. We’ll work on this honey. Don’t worry about anything. I’ll be with you for all meals. I also have a box of Thicken that Craig gave me. You need liquids, and this will add bulk to whatever you drink, which will also help you to not aspirate.”
“This is a lot to take in Ethan. I’m a little scared.”
“Don’t be honey. You have me, and I’ll take care of you.”
“What would I do without you? I’m a mess.”
I laugh at her description, “Well, yes, you are, but you’re my mess, and I love you madly.”
“Oh Ethan, I don’t know what I would do without you. I hope one day to return those words to you.”
“I know baby. You are the other half of my heart. I am
nothing without you, and I will wait for however long it takes for you to say those words to me.”
“Stop before you make me cry. There has been enough crying in this house to last a lifetime. I want today to be a happy day.”
“I can almost guarantee more crying when Joey gets home in a few hours.”
“Well then, I need to look good for my son. Help me get dressed, and ask Catherine to come up and help me with my makeup. I don’t want to look sick when Joey gets home.”
Thirty minutes later, Diane is dressed in a comfortable pair of sweats and a loose-fitting sweatshirt. “Sit tight, and I’ll get Mom for you. And, by the way, you look beautiful, with or without makeup.”
Ethan
The house smells fantastic with the scent of turkey cooking in the oven. I feel sorry that Diane will not be able to share dinner with us, but it’s not about the food, it’s about the people who share this day with you. I sneak up on my mom and plant a kiss on her neck. She screeches and almost hits me with a spatula.
“What the hell are you doing sneaking up on an old woman? Do you want to give me a freaking heart attack?”
“No Mom, sorry if I scared you. Do you have a few minutes to help Diane? She wants to put on some makeup for Joey. She wants to look good for him.”
My mom’s eyes fill with tears. God, I wish everyone would stop crying. My heart can’t take it much longer. “Please Mom, no more tears. We must put this behind us. I know it will be difficult, but I want us to have a positive vibe around Diane. She’s already apprehensive. Can you do that for me, and for Diane?”
“Of course I can. I’m just so happy to have Diane home again. I can’t promise I won’t cry today, but I’ll put a cork in it if it makes Diane feel less nervous.”
“She needs some time to relax and absorb everything. We are in for a few tough months, as she comes to grips with what happened to her. I want you and Dad to keep an eye out, and if you see something’s not right, I need to know about it as soon as possible.”