I am so proud of my wife, and I know that everyone agrees with me, because the atmosphere in the room changes quickly. My Mom plates the food, and when I see what she has for Diane, my heart constricts with love for her. My Mom served an assortment of baby food on a beautiful vintage baby food warming plate. I immediately recognize it as being in our family for many years. The plate is cream colored, with images of bunny rabbits, a fox, and pink roses with a green ribbon decorating the lip of the plate.
My mom smiles at me. “Do you remember this dish, Ethan? I fed you and your brother with this dish. I remember the day I found a set of them at a flea market, with matching cups. They were in pristine condition, and I only paid ten dollars for them. I’ve kept them wrapped in bubble paper with the intention of giving them to Joey and Kellie when they have children of their own. For the time being, I want Diane to have something pretty to look at while she eats, what I can imagine, is disgusting food. Now I know why babies cry when you feed them. I’ve also made a shake for you, and I’ll put that in the cup with a straw.”
Mom sits next to me. “Once you meet with the speech therapist, and we have a firm diagnosis of Dysphasia, and we have the results of the Videofluoroscopic Swallowing Study, we can move towards a blended diet. Your father has already prepared a dietary menu, which will allow Diane to have a nutritious meal. When is your appointment?”
“I have to call them tomorrow to schedule it, but in the meantime, I’ve shown Diane how to tuck and swallow, and I’ll be with her at every meal.”
“I feel like a science project,” Diane said with a sarcastic tone to her voice.
My dad barks out laughing. “Oh, honey, shouldn’t you know by now that with three doctors in the family, we would be all over your medical needs.”
“That’s right,” Jerry chimes in. “Just wait until Joey graduates from medical school. Dad will crap his pants in excitement.”
“Yuck,” Kellie screams at us. “You wouldn’t crap in your pants, would you Gramps.”
Oh, God, everyone cracks up laughing. This is just what we need. My dad taps his glass with a knife to get our attention.
“Okay, people, settle down. Today is a very special day for our family. Diane sweetheart, Mom and I love you so very much, and we are beyond happy that you can share this day with us. I won’t lie to you and say the past six months have been easy because they weren’t. All of us need to focus on the future, and we will do that with the knowledge that our beautiful daughter is now where she belongs, at home, with her family. Therefore, on this day of Thanksgiving, I would like to lead the prayer. Everyone, please hold hands.”
“God of all blessings, the source of all life, giver of all grace, we thank you for the gift of life, for the breath that sustains life, for the food of the earth that nurtures life, for the love of family and friends without which there would be no life. We thank you for the mystery of creation, for the beauty that the eye can see, for the joy that the ear may hear, for the unknown that we cannot behold filling the universe with wonder, for the expanse of space that draws us beyond the definitions of ourselves. We thank you for this day, for life and one more day to love, for bringing our daughter, whom we love more than life itself back to her family, husband, and children. We love you beyond words sweetheart. For these and all blessings, we give thanks, eternal, loving God, through Jesus Christ, we pray. Amen.”
“Amen,” we say together. I reach out once again to hold Diane’s hand, and my world rights itself. Kellie as usual breaks the silence in the room.
“Can we eat now? I’m starving!”
*****
Later that night after everyone left and the kids are in bed, Diane and I sit in front of the fireplace. It is our favorite spot to relax after a long day. Today has been exceptionally long and emotional. Diane is tired, and I know we should go to bed, but I just can’t move right now.
“Thank you for today, Ethan. It was a lovely day for me, and I want to thank you for making me feel so comfortable.”
“I love you sweetheart, more than I can say, and I will do anything necessary to make life easier for you. Why don’t we get you into bed? You must be tired.”
“I am exhausted, but can we sleep down here tonight. It’s too much trouble carrying me up the stairs all the time. It’s only temporary, and I need to be down here when the nurses arrive tomorrow morning.”
“Whatever you want sweetheart, I only want to make it easier for you.”
“This is easier for the two of us. As long as I have you in bed next to me, I don’t care where we sleep.”
“Your voice has grown stronger during the day. How does your throat feel? Is it still sore?’
“No, I only feel it when I swallow.”
“You did great today at dinner. How did it feel eating baby food?”
“That food is disgusting, but I know I need the vitamins. The shake, however, was delicious.”
“Hopefully, we will have you on regular food soon. Let’s go to bed. I am so tired.”
“Ethan, can I ask you a question?”
“You know you can, honey. What is it?”
“What do you see when you look at me?”
“What do I see? I’m not sure what you mean.”
“I mean, what do you see? Do you see a woman or an invalid?”
I know where this is going, and I need to convey my thoughts properly. I turn my body to face Diane and hold her hand in mine. “What I see is what I’ve always seen. I see my beautiful wife, who I love more than my own life. I know what you are thinking Diane, and I want you to know that you are beautiful to me. This situation is temporary, honey. I don’t want you to feel different because you’re not.” Diane’s eyes fill with tears. I can see her mind working, and I wait patiently for her to talk to me.
“Ethan, will you kiss me again, please?”
My heart races at the thought of kissing her again. This is what I’ve wanted since the accident. I lean in and caress her face with my fingers. I feel Diane shutter under my touch, and that makes me happy. In my heart, I know this is the beginning of a new connection between the two of us. Leaning in, I gently touch my lips to hers. I feel Diane’s intake of breath as she leans into the kiss. It takes me back to the first time I kissed Diane back in high school, sweet and tender. My hand moves down to the nape of her neck, and I pull her closer to me. When I feel her mouth open to me, my inner beast rages to the surface. The inevitable tingling in my balls causes me to pull back from the kiss. I immediately see the hurt in her eyes.
“Why did you pull back from me?”
“It’s been a long-time honey. I’m starving for you, and I don’t want to rush what is developing between us. If you see me pull back, I want you to know why.”
“Oh,” she said as her face turned a lovely shade of crimson. I can see that I’ve embarrassed her.
“Yeah, I didn’t want to mention it, but when you kissed me, my body reacted.”
“I’m sorry. Maybe I shouldn’t kiss you.”
I reach out to stroke my fingers along her cheek. “I want you to kiss me, Diane. I can’t help how my body reacts to you, I never could. I only want to hold you in my arms.”
Diane sighs and leans in closer to me. “I’ve wanted to kiss you since that day on the beach. I feel something, Ethan. I’m still trying to sort it out, but it’s there. I don’t know if it’s instinctive, but it’s there.”
“The heart never forgets Diane. Maybe somewhere deep within you remembers our life together.”
“I hope so. I’m a little nervous Ethan.”
“Don’t be honey. You already broke the ice.” It surprises me when she laughs, and it lightens my heart.
“I guess I did. Was I always so direct?”
“Oh, honey, you have no idea how direct. Let’s get you into bed. It’s late, and I’m exhausted.”
A few minutes later, Diane is in one of her cute nightgowns, and resting comfortably in bed. My emotions are all over the place. I felt the sexual zing I a
lways feel when I kiss my wife, but I cannot, and I repeat, I cannot show her how I feel. I don’t want her to feel pressured into resuming our sexual relationship. The fact that I can hold her at night is enough for me, for the time being anyway. After helping Diane to bed, I climb in beside her and pull her body into my chest. This is our favorite position at night. I remember many nights when we just held each other and talked into the early morning hours. It’s difficult sleeping with her now, and not having that connection.
“Oh Ethan, this feels wonderful.”
“There is no place else I’d rather be honey. I’ve missed this too. My heart feels whole for the first time since the accident.”
Diane rolls over to face me. She looks sad, and that hurts me deeply. “What’s wrong honey? You look sad.”
“I am sad because my body disgusts me. I’ve lost so much weight, my hair is gone, and I can’t stand on my own two feet.”
I knew it was coming all day. Diane breaks down and sobs into my shoulder. Her body trembled against mine, and all I can do to comfort her is hold her tightly against me. “It’s ok baby. We’ll get through this. I love you with all that I am, sweetheart. You are beautiful to me; you always have been. Nothing will ever change how I see you.”
“How can you say that? I look pathetic!”
“Baby, look at me.” I tilt her chin up because I want to see her eyes. “I am going to tell you the story of a young couple who knew from an early age that they belonged together. This beautiful girl agreed to be my date for the junior prom. Diane, I was all glasses and braces, but you decided to go with me. Since that day, we have been best friends, boyfriend and girlfriend, lovers, and husband and wife. I made vows to you the day we married, and I take them seriously. I remember the day before the wedding. We drove to Atlantic City and walked the boardwalk all day. I remember how we talked about having children, owning our own home, and the plans we made for our careers. We were ambitious, and so much in love.”
“I love you, Diane, more now than the day I married you. Watching you struggle these past few months broke me. I’ll never be the same, and neither will you, but we must get past this bump in the road. When I look at you, all I see is love. Everything else will work itself out with time. I predict that by the beginning of summer next year, you will be running circles around me. Don’t let what is happening now derail your determination.”
“I guess I’m getting ahead of myself. I just want to feel normal again. I don’t want you to look at me and not want me.”
God, how can she think I don’t want her? I’ve never seen Diane so unsure of herself. This is not okay. I need to make her understand how I feel. “Oh, honey, how can you say that to me? I want you to listen to me and remember what I’m going to say to you. It’s hard for me to put into words how I feel at this moment. The day you had the accident, I thought I would have a heart attack. It felt like a piece of my heart died. The terror that I felt when you stopped breathing is something I will never be able to put into words. All I could think about was what my life would be like without you in it. Honestly, I couldn’t face that possibility.”
“Having you here with me like this is a dream come true. I prayed Diane, more than I have in my entire life. I thought if you would just open your eyes and look at me, it wouldn’t matter if you never remembered the past. I love you, and nothing else matters to me. I will always want you. You are my wife, my best friend, and the love of my life. I am nothing without you. When you feel sad or depressed, remember these words.”
“Thank you, Ethan. I needed to hear the words. I feel funny, and I hope this feeling goes away soon. I don’t like how I feel.”
“It will go away once you’re on your feet again. Give it time sweetheart. You have months of inactivity to work through, and I’ll be with you every step of the way.”
Chapter Thirty-Two
Diane
I awake to the most delicious feeling of Ethan’s body wrapped around mine. I don’t want to move, but the need to go to the bathroom is urgent. “Ethan, wake up. I need to use the bathroom.”
“What time is it?” I hear him ask sleepily.
I look over at the clock hanging on the wall. “It’s six-thirty.”
“Okay, it’s time to get up anyway. You need to be dressed and have breakfast by eight, which is when Linda and Patti arrive. I can’t wait to see their faces when they see you!”
“I cannot wait to meet them. Patti and Linda have helped me so much the past few months, and I want to thank them.”
“That’s sweet of you to say, honey. Linda and Patti have become part of the family.”
After Ethan helps me into the bathroom, I take a quick shower with his help. Ethan places a fold up chair in the tub, and it felt so incredibly good having the warm water soothe my aches and pains. I know therapy will be painful, but I am determined to walk unassisted by Christmas. Breakfast this morning is a thick protein shake, and surprisingly, my stomach feels full. Several times, I had to stop drinking because I felt like I was choking. Ethan had to remind me again to tuck my chin before swallowing. Hopefully, once I see the speech therapist, this will become easier. I need to gain weight. This morning I had a good look at my body and didn’t like what I saw. I look emaciated, and I’ve lost a significant amount of weight.
Since my hair is still short, I spike it up with styling gel, and Ethan helps me to get dressed. None of my clothes fit me, and so I have no choice but to wear sweatpants with a drawstring to keep my pants from falling down my legs. I topped off my plain outfit with a tee shirt and sweater. I’m sitting up in bed drinking a cup of tea with Thicken in it. I read the label, and it's just cornstarch, but it helps me swallow without aspirating. The consistency once added to my tea is more like thick honey. Ethan wants me to drink at least four protein shakes a day, in addition to the baby food. I don’t know if my stomach can handle all of this, but the shakes are only eight ounces at a time, and if I spread them out throughout the day, I should be okay. I hear the doorbell ring and the voices of two women. This must be Linda and Patti arriving. Ethan stops them at the door, and I hear him talking to them.
“I want to let you know that there has been a change in Diane’s condition since you last saw her on Wednesday. We spent the night in the emergency room. I just want to prepare you for what you are about to see.”
“Is her condition worse that it was on Wednesday?” one of the nurses asks him, her voice full of concern. They are going to slap him when they see me.
“No, her condition is not worse, just…different. You’ll see how different in a minute.”
“Oh, okay.” I hear another voice say. “Whatever it is, we’ll deal with it. She’s our girl now, and we will take care of her.”
Her words touch me deeply. I don’t know these women, but for the last six months, they have been my lifeline, because I know it down to my soul, that without their care and compassion, I would not be physically where I am now. I can’t wait to meet them. I hear Ethan opening the door, and I place my teacup on the table next to me. I feel nervous, and the thought of that has me laughing to myself. When the door opens, and two young nurses walk into the room, they stop, slack-jawed, and stare at me. No one is moving, and I find this hilarious for some reason. A laugh bubbles up and out of me, and I reach out my hands to them.
“It’s so nice to finally meet the two of you. Ethan has told me so much about how you have taken care of me, and I want to thank you.”
The blond-haired nurse is the first to move, and she catapults herself into the room and is by my side in a matter of seconds. I look at her name tag. This is Linda. “Oh my God, I can’t believe you’re awake. Look at you! You’re gorgeous! I’m so happy for you.” Then she starts to cry, and I cry with her.
The other nurse, Patti, is standing on the other side of my bed. “This is a fantastic day for us Diane! We’ve taken care of you for so long, that all of you have become a part of our family.” She turns to Ethan and asks, “What is on the agenda as far as
physical therapy?”
Ethan reaches for a folder and hands her several sheets of paper. “Craig gave me a workup when we left the hospital Wednesday. Today I need to make an appointment for the first consultation regarding speech therapy, and we will see where I go from there. For today, keep up what you have been doing, but increase the time by fifteen minutes. Craig gave me a prescription for several items, and I am going to the hospital this morning to get the items on the list. We’ll need leg weights, resistance bands, a walker, an adjustable cane, and I think I want to get several rubber floor mats in the event Diane loses her balance. It’s just a precaution, but one that I believe we may need.”
“You also need to pick up an electrical stimulation machine with eight pads,” Patti said. “We need to work on the calve muscles which will swell once she starts putting pressure on her legs. The stimulation will help heal the muscles quicker.”
“Okay, I’ll get everything on the list and if you think of something else, text me. I’ll be back in a few hours.”
Ethan leans in and kisses me. Patti and Linda sigh as they watch us. I laugh as I watch Ethan leave the room.
“You have an incredible husband Diane,” Linda said to me. “He has been by your side every day. He slept in this room every night. You are so blessed to have him.”
My throat tightens, and my eyes tear up because I know she speaks the truth. “Yes, I am so very blessed. Ethan and I have been together for twenty-seven years. I still do not have my memories before the accident, but I’ve decided that life is too short to worry about it. We can make new memories.”
Patti reaches out for my hand. “Well, then I suggest we’ll get started with your therapy. What we are going to do today are basic stretches, leg lifts, and massage therapy. We’ll also work on your arms. I have one-pound weights, and we’ll take it slow. If you feel pain or discomfort, please tell me, and we’ll stop. I still can’t believe that I’m talking to you.”
Two hours later, I can honestly say that every muscle in my body is screaming at me. I’ve had enough for one day and said so to both Patti and Linda. “Enough. I can’t take it anymore. We need to stop.”