“I slept in another bedroom for a few months because I couldn’t stand to look at your mother. I did not see how she had been suffering. I only thought about what I had lost. I stewed in my anger until one day when my mother called me to tell me Catherine was in the hospital. She overdosed on sleeping pills. I almost lost her that day, and I have never forgiven myself for leaving her alone. After months of therapy, we learned to live with our loss, but we never forgot Gail and Carol. We visit them every year, and we will always love them.”
“I tell you this because I do not want you to play the blame game. No good comes from it. Bad things happen to good people. Your mother or I could have been on the road that day. Keep your focus on the future, Ethan. Diane needs you now more than ever. Don’t you think she questions her actions daily? I can assure you Diane struggles with this as well. Support each other, and you will survive this difficult time in your life.”
“How did you and Mom get past the grief?” My dad leans forward and holds both of my hands. The expression on his face has me tearing up again. I see the love in his eyes, and it humbles me.
“We had our rainbow baby. We had you, Ethan. I never wanted you to know just how much you saved us, son. I love you and your brother deeply, but I feel a special bond with you, Ethan. I love you so much, son.”
“God, Dad, I love you too. I am so sorry. I don’t know what else to say.”
“What can you say? It happened forty-five years ago. I sometimes wonder what they would have looked like. I still cry when I think about my babies, but at the end of the day, we must celebrate and be grateful for the life that we have now. Be grateful Ethan. You have Diane and two beautiful children who love you. Live in the moment and do not let what happened to Diane derail your lives. In time, you will learn to live with the event, but you will never forget it. Make each day special and be happy son. Let’s go home.”
*****
“Where did you go?” I hear Diane ask me as I close the bedroom door.
“I went for a drive with my Dad. I had to clear my mind, honey. No need to worry.”
“I am worried. I know what I said today upset you. I’m sorry if I upset you. I just needed to get it out of me. Can you understand?”
“I do now Diane,” I say as I climb into bed with her. “I understand, and I want us to talk about it. I don’t want you holding in your feelings, good or bad. It’s not healthy. How do you feel after our first appointment?”
“I’m scared, Ethan. I want my life back. I don’t want to be a burden to all of you.”
“Honey, you are not a burden to me. Please don’t say that to me again. I would do anything for you. I love you, Diane.”
“I love you too, Ethan.”
“So, how do you feel?”
“I feel a little less burdened now that someone other than our family knows what happened to me. Sometimes it seems like it happened to someone else, and not me. I am tired of pushing it to the back of my mind, because at night, I have dreams, vivid dreams, and it scares me. I hope that by talking about it, the dreams will go away. I don’t want to live my life always being afraid of everything. I know I should leave the house. I know I must live my life. I don’t want to always look behind me in fear of someone approaching me.”
“Dr. Carpenter will help you with this honey, and so will I. Today is the first step in your recovery, and I know that with time, we will get past this difficult time in our lives.”
“How do you feel, Ethan? I know something happened after you left the house. Can you tell me about it?”
“I was so angry after hearing what happened in the park. I had no outlet for my anger, and my father knew it. He said he could see it all over my face. We took a drive to the cabin that my dad uses when he goes fishing. I lost it, Diane. I stood next to the car and screamed for a good five minutes. I had to get the rage out of me. I couldn’t bring that into our home. I did not want the kids to see me so out of control. It hurts Diane. It hurt seeing someone that you love suffer.” I then tell Diane about my sisters.
Diane buries her head in my chest and cries, not only for what my parents lost but also, for what we lost. The two of us finally grieve for the loss of what made our marriage so important to us. It almost feels like we buried that part of our lives, and we came out on the other end still intact. It feels like a rebirth, and in some ways, that’s exactly what it is.
Chapter Thirty-Six
Diane
Three months later
So much has happened to me in the last three months. My legs have completely healed, and I can walk on my own two feet, without anyone’s help. It is such a wonderful feeling to be able to climb the stairs, go for a walk, or just stand in the kitchen and wash the dishes. I feel happy again, and I never want to lose this feeling. Ethan went back to work last month, and the house is quiet during the day with the kids in school. Today is our last appointment with Doctor Carpenter, and today’s session will be different from the others. Ethan and I get to ask each other questions, and I’m a little nervous about what he will ask me. We are on our way there now, and neither of us is talking in the car. The silence creeps me out.
“Are you okay, Ethan?”
“Yes.”
And, we continue our drive in total silence. When we arrive at the hospital, Ethan doesn’t say a word as we make our way to her office. I can feel his eyes on me, and I don’t know what’s bothering him. Whatever it is, I’ll find out soon enough. As we wait for our appointment, I watch Ethan as he bounces his leg up and down. He’s twitchy, and the constant movement of his leg makes me crazy. I put my hand on his leg to stop the twitching. He looks over and smiles at me.
“Mr. & Mrs. Miller, the doctor will see you now.”
Here we go, I think to myself. Today we are in her office, and not in our regular therapy room. I already feel uncomfortable.
“How are you today Diane? I see you are walking quite well now.”
“I’m good Marilyn, and happy that today is our last session. No offense, but I’ve had enough therapy to last a lifetime.”
Marilyn laughs. “No offense taken Diane, I want my patients to leave me at some point in time.”
“Ethan, how are you today?”
“I'm all right.”
Marilyn and I exchange glances with each other. Even she notices something is bugging Ethan.
“Ok then, let’s get started. Since this is our last appointment, I want to give the two of you some time to ask each other questions. We’ve discussed many different things in the last three months, and this is your opportunity to ask whatever you feel is left unsaid between the two of you. Diane, what would you like to ask your husband?”
I look down at the piece of paper in my hand, and I suddenly feel awkward, but I have a question that needs answering. “I only have one question. Ethan, it’s obvious to me that I will never remember our life together. You tell me every day that it doesn’t matter to you, but are you actually telling me the truth, or are you just saying what I need to hear?” Ethan doesn’t say anything for several very long seconds before he answers my question.
“I won’t lie to you Diane and say that it doesn’t bother me because it does. We’ve known each other for half of our lives, and it breaks my heart that you have no memory of what we have shared together. It upsets me deeply that I cannot talk to you about the past, or share memories with you. Sometimes I don’t know how to talk to you, and when I do, I have to filter what I say because I don’t want to upset you. Every day we make new memories, but it’s not the same honey. It will never replace what we’ve lost.”
“I have been so focused on you that I failed to see that I’ve also lost something important to me. I’ve also lost our past because I can no longer share it with you. I’ve dreaded the day when you would ask me this question because there is no easy answer. It is what it is, and I have a hard time reconciling my feelings with the overwhelming relief that you are still my wife. I suspect the kids feel the same way, although I’ve nev
er discussed this with them.”
“Diane, how do you feel about what Ethan just said to you?”
“If you treat me differently, I will never feel normal. I don’t want you filtering what you say to me. Do you think I don’t see how you are with me? You keep me at arms-length sometimes. You hold me in bed; touch me a certain way, but it never goes further than that. I want a real marriage Ethan, and if you hold back from me, we will never get over this. I am your wife, and when I decided it was time to live with you, I made a commitment to make this work between us. Sometimes, I don’t feel that coming from you. I’m walking on my own now, and I feel good physically. I’ve gained weight, and I feel stronger every day. It’s time to move forward Ethan. Can you do that for me?”
I don’t know what I expected, but it certainly wasn’t Ethan laughing at what I just said to him. I am very confused. He doesn’t say two words to me all the way here, and now, he’s laughing at me. Marilyn is as confused as I am.
“Ethan, can I ask why you think what Diane just said to you is funny?”
“I’m sorry. I don’t mean to laugh, but I can’t help it considering what my question is for Diane. Can I ask her now?”
“Yes, please Ethan.”
“Oh, Diane, do you have any idea how much I love you. I know I tell you often enough, and I am sorry if I haven’t shown you how I feel. The past few months have been stressful for everyone. My focus was on your physical health, and I’m sorry if I neglected other aspects of our marriage. The truth is, I want you every minute of the day, and that’s why I need to ask you this question.”
I watch in disbelief as Ethan kneels in front of me, and takes my hand in his. He takes off my wedding ring, puts it in his pocket, and then slides my engagement ring from my finger.
“Diane my darling, I love you with all that I am. I want many more years with you sweetheart, and I thank God every day for bringing you back to me. I want today to be the first day of our new life together. Here is my question. Will you, Diane Susan Miller, marry me again, and make me a happy man? Will you live with me and love our children and me for the rest of your life?”
Ethan is looking up at me and waiting for my answer. Oh, God, is this happening? It is, and I am so happy. I choke out, “Yes, yes, I will marry you.”
Ethan puts my engagement ring back on my finger but keeps the wedding ring. Both of his hands cradle my face, and when he kisses me, I just melt into him. Doctor Carpenter watches us with a smile on her face. Several seconds later, we break the kiss, and when Ethan sits down again, I go to him and sit on his lap. He reaches for his phone and makes a quick call.
“Hey Mom, Diane said yes. Don’t tell the kids. I want them to be surprised. We’ll be at your house by five. Make sure the kids are there before we arrive.”
I hear my mother-in-law screaming on the other end of the line, and I laugh, I mean I really laugh, and it feels wonderful.
“Well,” Marilyn said, “I think we are having a happily ever after moment. I am so happy for both of you, and I hope I get an invitation to the wedding.”
“You will be the first name on the list,” Ethan said.
Ethan holds me in his arms, and we stay like this for several minutes, then hand in hand, we walk out of the hospital and into our new life together.
Ethan
“The kids are going to go nuts when they hear we’re getting married again. I can’t wait to see their faces.” I reach over to hold Diane’s hand, and her fingers link with mine. It just feels so right. “Are you happy honey?” Diane squeezes my hand.
“I had no idea when I woke up this morning that this would be the happiest day of my post-injury life. Now I feel guilty about my question. I’m sorry Ethan.”
“Why should you feel sorry? We both agreed we would be honest with each other, and you were. There’s nothing to be sorry about, because at the end of the day, I have what I want, and that’s you, sweetheart.”
Diane laughs and squeezes my hand again. “Is this really happening? It feels like a dream!”
“Yes, my darling, it is actually happening. When do you want to get married?”
“You don’t waste time, do you?”
“Nope, I’m not letting you get away from me. I want us to be married very soon.”
“I remember Dad saying they have a house near the beach. Could we get married on the beach?”
“That’s a fantastic idea. We could have a small intimate sunset wedding. We could have a tent erected on the beach, and have the food catered. I’ll ask Dad to apply for the beach permit. Why don’t we get married in June? That will give you time to buy a wedding dress.”
“Oh, I can ask Mom to go with me. This is so exciting. I’m so happy Ethan. I love you so much.”
“I love you too, sweetheart.”
“Where do you want to go for our honeymoon?” I ask Diane. I’m thinking about Italy, and her answer surprises me.
“I want to go to Atlantic City. I want to walk on the boardwalk, ride bikes, eat junk food, walk on the beach, and curl up in bed with you every night to watch a movie and eat ice cream.”
God, I love her so much. Whatever she wants I’ll be more than happy to give to her. “I think that is a fantastic idea honey.”
*****
The minute we walk into my parent’s house, Kellie is all over me.
“Granny said you have a surprise. Is it for me?”
“Why do you think every surprise is for you, munchkin?”
“I’m a kid and kids like surprises. Mommy, are you going to tell me?”
“No honey, not now. Where is your brother?”
“He’s in the kitchen with Gramps. I’ll get him for you.”
Kellie runs towards the kitchen screaming, “Joey; Mommy and Daddy are here, and they have a surprise for us.”
I groan. “God help us when she’s a teenager. Let’s start drinking now.”
“I heard that,” I hear my Mom say behind me. I turn around and open my arms. My mother walks into my embrace, and I see tears in her eyes. She whispers in my ear, “I love you, my rainbow child.” Taken aback by her comment; I look down into her eyes. I don’t know what to say. “I talked to your father this morning, and he told me he spoke to you about the girls.”
“I’m so sorry Mom. I don’t have the words.” I hold her tight against me and feel her slender body shake against mine.
“It’s okay son. It happened a long time ago. I hope your father helped you that day.”
“Yes, he did. More than you know, Mom.”
I hear my Dad’s booming voice. “Hey, get your hands off my woman!”
I laugh as I pass my mom to him. Diane is watching the dynamics between us, and I can see that she is a little confused. I whisper to her, “I’ll explain later.”
Before I have a chance to speak, Diane said, “I have something to say before we give the kids their surprise.”
The look on her face is so serious. I give her the floor.
“I have learned through months of therapy that is important to tell the people around you how you feel about them. I never thought my life would be as it is now. It is hard living without the past, and the odds of me remembering anything is slim to none. I’m not going to worry about it any longer because all of you hold a special place in my heart. I don’t have to tell any of you how difficult the past several months have been for our family. As I laid in my, for lack of a better word, coma, I heard all of you speaking to me. It’s hard to explain in words. I felt trapped in a dark room with no doors or windows, but at the same time, I felt safe from the outside world. What happened to me forced my mind to shut down to protect myself, and in the process, weakened my body.”
“Ethan, you never gave up hope. You took care of me when I was at my most vulnerable. I felt you near me. I felt you touching and kissing me, but I was too entrenched in the darkness to respond. I felt all of you around me. Kellie honey, George was a good companion for me. Joey, I am so proud that you had the courage to leave ho
me to start your college education. I’m sure it wasn’t an easy decision for you, and I am happy you are home once again.”
“Mom, Dad; I have no words to tell you how much I love you. You took care of me when I was unable to take care of myself. The two of you showed infinite patience while I acclimated myself to this new life. I want to apologize to everyone for the pain I caused by leaving the house that night. I still do not know or understand why I made that decision, but it’s changed all of us. We will never forget what happened, but starting today, I want to put it behind us. Today is the first day of my new life with all of you. The only tears I want to see going forward are happy tears.”
Diane reaches out for my hand, and I stand next to her. “We have a surprise for everyone. Ethan and I are getting married…again, in June.”
I bend down to pick up Kellie, and she hugs me tightly. “Does this mean that Mommy will never leave us again?”
“Yes, honey. Mommy will never leave us.”
Joey jumps out of his chair and propels himself towards Diane. He lifts her off the floor and spins her around the room. “I love you Mom, and I am so happy you and Dad are getting married again.”
“I love you too…son.”
I have an important question to ask my son. “Joey, I would be honored if you would be my best man.” I open my arms to my son, and for the first time in almost a year, I can finally relax.
“I would be honored, Dad. I am so happy for you and Mom.”
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Diane
The Dreams
I am wearing a pink prom dress, and I have a lovely corsage on my wrist. I’m excited about going to the prom with Ethan. He’s a little geeky, but he is so cute. My girlfriends think I am crazy for going to the prom with him, but I sort of like him. Ethan left sweet notes for me and stuffed them in the vents of my locker door. I know he likes me.