I removed my hands while I tried to analyze where this pang was coming from. My mind raced to figure out a way to make it stop.
As we continued to sit there, William's eyes drifted back to the poster, then over to the bulletin board hanging next to it. He gingerly rose to his feet and walked directly over to the board. Something must have caught his eye.
He reached up and traced the decorative scrollwork on the border of Maja's wedding invitation with a long index finger. "This is nice work. Hand drawn."
"That's my sister's wedding invitation. Apparently, her fiance likes to draw as a hobby."
He nodded and moved to get a closer look, his eyes skimming over the text. They were lovingly handmade invitations instead of the fancy, mass-produced kind. And Maja had taken care to have some printed in English to send to her old friends in the US. "In June," he said quietly. "Will you be attending?"
I shrugged. "I thought I'd go back for a couple weeks...spend some time with my family before the Faire moves north at the end of the month."
He nodded but said nothing before turning back to me.
There was something so refreshing about William. So unassuming. He was comfortable in his own skin and didn't try to make himself out to be something he wasn't.
And he never boasted. The offhanded way he'd let on that he was beyond financially secure was evidence of that. The car he drove, the house he lived in...both were nice, but not over the top. Nothing about him screamed small-penised man trying desperately to overcompensate. He was Doug's polar opposite in practically every way.
I had to admit to myself, if to no one else, that I wanted William. Maybe the card I'd pulled last night really was calling me a fool. A sudden wave of sadness washed over me.
I leaned back on my hands. "I think I could use a drink. How about you? Do you drink?"
"Sometimes. But not to excess. And not when I'm driving."
"Let's get drunk, Wil." And before he could answer, I pushed up to stand and turned to leave the room. I didn't want to chance him detecting my melancholy--or that strong pull I was feeling toward him. With alcohol, I could convince myself that it was all about my vulnerable state and blind attraction to a handsome guy. Nothing more.
And as with everything else, this, too, would pass.
Chapter 10
William
I'd come over to spend time alone with Jenna--and to work on this crowd issue, too, I guess. I never imagined I'd be sitting in a circle of my friends playing drinking games and watching my cousin get inebriated while his fiancee laughed. In fact, I'd never seen Adam drunk before.
"Never have I ever...watched Star Wars in just my underwear," Mia says with a smirk while looking straight at Adam.
"Aw, shit," he says and then grabs his glass of beer and chugs it. "Half of this should count as a shot."
"Not according to the FDA's alcohol content guidelines. Drink up, son, or hit the hard stuff," says Heath, who holds up his shot glass and clinks it with Adam's beer mug. Heath downs his shot while the women laugh.
"Fine." Adam sighs, then holds his mug high in the air and lets out a huge belch. Everyone is laughing and teasing him, especially Mia.
"Damn, I'm gonna need to switch to light beer or donkey piss. They taste about the same," he mutters.
"Oh no, we're getting you wasted tonight. I plan to use every opportunity to make you drink," says Heath. "C'mon, everyone, who wants to see Adam Drake soused?"
Everyone raises their hands but Adam and me.
"Me! Me, definitely me!" Kat laughs, and Mia makes a face at her.
"The Force is with you, young Bowman, but you are not a Jedi yet," Adam says to Heath. I wonder what the quote has to do with the drinking game.
And this game is a strange one. We are supposed to make a statement about something we have never done, and if the other people in the room have done it, then they are supposed to drink. The object of the game, of course, is to get intoxicated. I wonder why we need a game to do that. Why don't we just sit around the table and drink?
"My turn, then," Adam says, and he gets a funny look on his face. I've seen him make that face before...when he's planning something devious. "Never have I ever sucked a dick."
"Ah, come on!" Heath and all the women clink glasses and drink. Adam looks extremely happy with himself.
Me, I'm not happy at all. As I watch Jenna laugh and drink, I feel that same tight curl of jealousy inside. Who is she thinking of? Doug? Another man? Other men? Suddenly, I want to hit something. I don't like imagining her with other men.
I only want to imagine her with me.
But I've trained myself not to go there. If I expect something, I don't handle the disappointment well when it doesn't happen. Suddenly, though, I am imagining it.
Her head is turned up to mine, her pale hair cascading over her shoulders. Her mouth is open and she's kissing me like she did last weekend...like the heroine in a movie. Like Arwen kissed Aragorn in The Fellowship of the Ring. Though we aren't standing by a giant waterfall and that annoying music isn't playing super loud in the background.
The others are continuing the game and I'm ignoring everything that's going on around me, caught up in that image.
"Earth to William!" Alex is saying. I haven't had to drink once tonight. I doubt it's going to change now.
"What?" I ask.
"I said, 'Never have I ever had sex with a woman,'" Alex repeats.
Everyone is looking at me, though I suspect Adam already knows the answer because he's talking now, saying let's just move on to the next one. He's trying to protect me. Since he came to live with us when he was thirteen and I was eleven, it's always been like that. We might genetically be cousins, but in many ways, he's my older brother.
But this time, instead of accepting his help, I shake my head. "Neither have I," I say. And I make it through another round without having to drink.
It's Heath's turn. He glares at Alex. "Well, since Alex stole mine, then I need to amend what I was going to say. So...never have I ever made out with a chick."
The other men drink and so does Jenna. Everyone makes noises of surprise. After she downs her shot, she looks up, eyes round and wide. "What?"
Alex starts laughing. "Don't mind the men, they are all just picturing it--and getting turned on."
"Yep. I kissed a girl--and I liked it!" She starts to sing the Katy Perry song and everyone else laughs.
Finally, I have a chance to drink, so I down a shot and immediately start coughing and sputtering. I've had tequila before, but I don't really like it. Beer is much better. Maybe I'll be like Adam and switch to beer.
"William!" Heath says, slurring his words. "You devil... Details! I need details."
I shake my head. "You aren't going to get them. Play your game. I guarantee that you aren't going to get me drunk before you pass out."
"Challenge accepted!" Heath says.
It's Mia's turn again. "Shit...this is getting hard!"
"That's what she said," replies Adam with a smirk.
Mia frowns, looking at him between narrowed eyes. "You'd better change that pronoun, mister. And quickly, unless you want damage to your most favorite body parts."
"Hey, they're your favorites, too. Okay, how about....that's what you said?"
Mia laughs, snorting through her nose. "Much better. All right, let's take this game in a nonsexual direction..."
"That's no fun," says Jordan, who is elbowed by his girlfriend, April. She still seems flushed and angry from the previous round, when Jordan was the only one who had to drink to, "Never have I ever been in a threesome."
We end up playing three more rounds. Jordan's challenge, "Never have I ever kissed my step-cousin," elicits a lot of swearing and rude gestures from a now fully intoxicated Adam.
Just as I'd predicted, I end up the only sober person at the end of the game. I'm silently gloating about it, and I don't even care.
Afterward, everyone sits around, either talking or continuing to drink until t
hey pass out (Heath), or trying to sober up by making coffee (Adam). I end up going back into Jenna's room to get my shoes and stop short when I find her curled up on her bed, crying.
It's not loud sobbing. In fact, there's hardly any noise coming from her, and the noise that does come out sounds like a kitten. She doesn't even notice I'm here. Do I grab my shoes and leave, or do I try to comfort her? I have no idea how I can comfort her, and I could end up making it worse. I'm frozen with indecision until she wipes her cheeks with the back of her hand and sighs. I perceive that she's no longer actively crying.
I sit down on the bed next to her and, without understanding why I'm doing it, I stroke her hair...like I'm stroking a kitten. She rolls over and looks at me, then sniffs loudly. "Turn off the light and come back here," she whispers.
I do as she asks and then feel my way back to her bed. She reaches out, grasps my wrist and tugs. I think this means she wants me to sit on the bed again. I do so, but she tugs again. "Would you lie down next to me? I just need to be with someone right now."
Someone? Just anyone? Or...me?
In spite of those questions whirling around in my brain, I lie next to her. But I try not to touch her. In seconds, she has scooted over, resting her head on my shoulder, pulling my other arm around her.
I'm so tense that I'm sure she can feel it. She shifts her head, settling closer against me, and I can smell her hair again. That same smell. It fills me with...something. Makes it seem as if my blood is speeding up, rushing through my veins faster. And it's hard to swallow, too.
"Relax, Wil. Take a deep breath. Or does this bother you? Would you rather not be touched?"
I inhale a deep breath and let it go. She adjusts her head to look at my face, though it's dark so I can't imagine what she can see. I can't see her very well, either, but I can definitely smell her. The cloud of her scent enveloping me. It's enough to cause vertigo. And it really does feel like the room is spinning.
I clear my throat. "Why are you crying, Jenna? Are you sad about your tiara?"
She shakes her head and is silent for a long time, then she sniffs again and swipes a hand across her cheek before leaning into me. "I get like this sometimes when I drink too much."
"Drinking makes you sad?"
"Only if I'm sad before I start drinking. It just amplifies it." I picture a microphone echoing in a loud room, screeching, hurting my ears. Her sadness is hurting her like that?
"Then you shouldn't drink when you're sad."
She lets out a quiet, gentle laugh. "Impeccably logical, Wil. You should have been a Vulcan."
"I've been told that before. Why are you sad?"
She's suddenly still and very quiet, then she shrugs. "Just a long day...got off to a bad start. I'll be okay once I sleep it off."
I turn my head but just slightly. Her hair is tickling my nose, so my choices are to turn away so I no longer feel it or press my face more firmly into her hair. I chose the latter. I've heard of people talking about a "head rush" before--this must be what they're describing.
Jenna's hand is moving across my chest. It's a light, fluttery touch, and I hate that it makes me uncomfortable. I capture her hand under one of mine to stop it.
"Do you not like that?"
I take a moment to think about the question and how I want to answer it. "I don't like light touches. It feels like my skin is crawling."
"So you don't like to be touched at all, or...?"
"I don't like to be touched lightly."
Suddenly, the pressure from her hand increases as she presses harder. My heart starts to race directly under her hand, which rests firmly on my sternum.
"How's that?"
"Better," I answer, but my voice is a rasp. It's suddenly harder to speak and my mouth is dry. I'm almost obsessed with the thought of kissing her again.
It's a weird word, kiss. With so many different meanings, it confuses me sometimes. A kiss can be a kind of chocolate, it can be a kiss of death, it can be truelove's kiss. It can be the chaste pressure of lips against a cheek in greeting or a momentary show of affection. But that same word can also describe incredible, unfathomable passion. Like Jack and Rose's forbidden kisses in Titanic, though their love was a doomed one. Or that expression of undying love and a promise of self-sacrifice, like Arwen's promise to Aragorn when she declares she will give up the immortal life of an elf in order to be with him as a mortal.
"Was that true...what you said during the game?" she says in a quiet voice.
"I don't recall lying during that game."
"When you said you've never slept with someone--I mean...are you a virgin?"
I think about how I want to answer that question, and the silence stretches on.
She shifts, turning toward me. "I don't think less of you because of it, if that's why you aren't answering. In fact, it's just the opposite."
"Really?"
"I'm actually just surprised. You're very handsome. There are women in the clan who would jump at the chance to...jump you." All that does is produce images of people jumping in my mind--on a pogo stick, on a trampoline, off a cliff--though I'm vaguely aware that she's referring to sex and not actual jumping.
"I've had the opportunity. I chose not to."
Her head lifts from the pillow. "Really? You didn't want to?"
"I want to. With the right person." I wait for her to react in the number of ways I've heard before...disbelief or disgust or with questions about my sexuality.
"That means that sex means more to you than it does most guys."
She's right, and something inside of my chest twists at her words. It sounds as if she admires that difference, which has been both a blessing and a curse to me in my life. I am different.
But Jenna understands me. It's been a long time since anyone really has.
And I can no longer resist. I want more of what we shared last weekend. I turn to her and press my mouth to hers. She lets out a little gasp, and I might have pulled away if I wasn't already desperate for her.
Chapter 11
Jenna
William's tongue breached my lips, slipping in effortlessly without asking permission this time. He'd assumed authority and I happily ceded it to him--even more happily when his hand slid from my head, down my back, to my hip and then slowly to my butt.
What the hell was this? My body was trembling like I was the virgin, not him. Suddenly, I couldn't catch my next breath. There was so much here in this moment, and I was almost overwhelmed by the swift rush of feelings.
I wasn't drunk on liquor anymore. I was drunk on him. His smell. His taste. The feel of his hard, masculine body beside mine.
Twenty minutes ago, I'd retreated into the dark, accompanied only by aching thoughts about today's visit to the cemetery and my potential lifetime of loneliness. I'd been licking my wounds when William had entered and immediately honed in on my emotional state. It was humbling to have him here, but impulse alone had driven me to ask for his comfort.
And he'd offered it with no aim to take it any further. He'd stroked my hair and held me in his arms, where I felt so safe. Like I could sleep for a decade wrapped in his iron embrace. Like I was Hera asking Hypnos, the god of sleep, for the blessings of peaceful, uninterrupted rest.
What did this mean? And why was it making me ache with even more longing than before? For the love of the goddess...
My heart raced, but it wasn't just from the pangs of desire. It was fear. Pure, screaming fear put me in fight-or-flight mode while playing tug-of-war with hungry, burning lust that wanted more, more, more.
When William's callused hand clasped the tender skin of my neck, desire won out. The rough feel of his fingers was maddening, ratcheting up the lust a few more notches from the already blazing level of our kisses.
I placed my hands on his firm chest, sliding over every plane. I itched to get under his shirt and vowed to have his clothes off in the next half hour. This hot hunk of man-virgin was not going to stay that way much longer if I had anythi
ng to say about it.
Needing to be even closer to him, I pushed my breasts hard against his chest.
He let out a long, hot breath against my mouth, which was cut short by a noise at the door. Another person in the room. "Hey Jenna, have you seen my--?"
I froze, only now realizing that William was lying completely on top of me at this point. In the dim light spilling in from the hallway, I could just make out Mia standing frozen in her spot.
Slowly, sluggishly, I straightened while my entire body protested being pulled away from William. He rolled back, freeing me from under him, and then he immediately sat up without looking directly at his cousin's fiance. His eyes were on the floor like a chastened schoolboy, and that kind of annoyed me.
What on earth did either of us have to be ashamed of? We were both consenting adults who weren't in any sort of committed relationship with other people, for heaven's sake.
We sat next to each other on the bed and I adjusted my shirt, thinking that if he were any other guy, he would have had his hands up my shirt during the first minute of that kiss.
But instead, he'd gently cradled my head in his big hands. How incredibly sweet. I glanced at him and then at the doorway, where Mia was still standing with her mouth hanging open.
I met her gaze, raising my brows.
"Uh...oh, sorry. Adam's finally decided he's not going to be sober enough to drive home anytime soon, so he called for a car to come get us. Heath passed out, and we've been drawing all over him with a Sharpie to pass the time. He's probably spending the night on your living room floor. I came in here looking for my phone."
"It's on my desk. You plugged it into my charger, remember?"
Mia was staring fixedly at her stepbrother's bowed head and didn't respond right away. Finally, she roused herself. "Oh, yeah...um. That's right. Duh...losing my memory at the old age of twenty-four."
I looked away and William fidgeted beside me, folding his hands over the sizeable bulge in his jeans. So awkward.
Mia walked over to my desk and pulled her phone off the charger, then stuffed it into her back pocket. Turning back at me, she said, "Jenna, can I...talk to you for a sec?"
William stood from the bed, still conspicuously covering his crotch area. "Excuse me. I need to use the bathroom."