Mia watched him go with concerned eyes and then closed the door after him. I reached over and flipped on the desk lamp, blinking at the unwelcome light. My friend was staring at me like a reproachful mother who had found birth control pills in her teenage daughter's purse or something.
"Can I ask what's going on between you and William?"
I clenched my teeth. How was this any of her business, stepsister or not? "You can ask."
She tilted her head and grimaced at me.
I sighed. "Well, the only thing you saw was kissing, right? So that's what was going on between us. Kissing."
Mia blew out a breath, also expelling a self-conscious laugh. "I don't mean to sound like an asshole. I'm just...be careful, okay?"
"We're all adults here, Mia. We know what we're doing."
Her uncomfortable smile grew and she shifted from one leg to the other. "I know that--I know. It's just that you're leaving soon. And given your dating history..."
I blinked. Now Mia was singing the same song as Alex--and Helena! "The number of guys I've dated is irrelevant. Just because you never dated anyone before Adam--"
"That's not what I meant. I'm sorry. Of course you can date whoever you want and for however long you want, and you know that you'd get no judgment from me. At. All. I'm just worried about the whole dynamic going on here. What happens when you date and then break up? We're all a part of the same group of friends--"
"Oh, you're worried about that? Ross and Rachel did just fine." I shrugged.
Mia's jaw dropped. "Ross and Rachel aren't reality. They dated and broke up over and over again and hung out with their mutual friends with no consequences. Life isn't an episode of Friends, Jenna. If something like that happens...it could change everything."
And if anyone had learned lessons about the hard realities of life, it was Mia. She'd had a pretty horrible year last year, having been sick with a life-threatening disease. I looked into her dark eyes and saw the tiniest hint of something I hadn't seen before--an almost haunted look from unspoken traumas that I wasn't privy to.
"But I'm going away anyway." For some reason that I didn't examine too closely, my voice trembled.
Mia took a step toward me. "I'm sorry I'm being a pain. But...William means a lot to me, and I'm going to be the one picking up the pieces when you leave. Don't hurt him, okay?"
"I don't want to hurt him, Mia." And it was true. I had no desire to hurt him.
But I did want to be the one to pop William's very delicious cherry. Why not? He had to lose it sometime, and if the kisses we'd shared had been any indication, it could be very, very fun.
There was a tap at the door. Thinking it was William, I decided to end this awkward exchange. "Come in!"
The door open and another dark-haired man--who actually looked a lot like William--poked his head in. "You ready to go?" Adam said. "I really need to get home and crash."
Mia turned to him with a grin. "Oh, did all that beer finally catch up with you? Poor baby...even if you do fall asleep right away, you're going to be up half the night peeing it all out."
Adam's mouth curved in a lopsided smile, and he looked at her with sleepy eyes filled with love. "I love it when you talk dirty to me."
Mia laughed so hard she snorted, and Adam and I both teased her about it as we headed to the living room. It was as she said. Heath was passed out on the floor with drawings on every inch of his exposed skin. Someone had given him a wicked Victorian-style handlebar mustache and pointed goatee, along with Vulcan eyebrows and a pirate-style eye patch drawn over one eye. He had writing all over his arms, neck and even the part of his stomach where his t-shirt rode up and showed his belly.
I laughed. "Man is he going to be pissed when he wakes up and sees that."
"Meh..." Mia shrugged. "Serves him right for getting so hammered."
I studied Mia's best friend on the floor. "Connor's leaving to go back to Ireland soon, isn't he? Maybe Heath really needed to get drunk. Are they breaking up?"
Mia looked at him with concerned eyes. "I'm not clear on all the details of what's going on between them. Heath's not talking much. But we should make sure he's not alone for the next little while."
Adam rolled his eyes. "I officially want no part of babysitting him. Kat can do it. She's his roommate."
William walked in from the direction of the bathroom and stood quietly beside me.
Adam and Mia offered Kat a ride home, which she enthusiastically accepted.
"Can you make sure Heath makes it home all right tomorrow?" Mia asked her as they walked out.
"Yeah. I'll come get his hopeless ass."
They bid us goodbye and then left. With Heath passed out on the floor, William and I were the only two conscious people in the living room.
"So, um, will I see you tomorrow at the regional market?" I asked him, already knowing the answer.
William brightened. "Yes, I have to deliver some items to clan members. I've been in the workshop all week after work."
Suddenly, I envisioned him hammering away, biceps bulging and flexing, wearing nothing but his leather apron over those jeans.
"Would you like a ride there?" His innocuous question jolted me out of my lust-filled vision.
I swallowed, then glanced at him out of the corner of my eye. "Sure...how about we share some breakfast first?"
"How early would you like me to come get you for breakfast?"
I bit my lip, flummoxed by his oversight of my obvious hint. Then I stepped toward him, took his large hand in mine and said, "You could just...stay the night."
His reaction was subtle. With his eyes fixed on our interlocked hands, his dark brows lowered as if in concentration. "I'm not certain what you are asking, but I have an idea. And if it's the wrong idea..."
"You're not misreading me, okay? I want you to stay and spend the night with me."
He visibly--and noisily--swallowed, and his fingers closed around my hand. "Well, as I told you in the bedroom, I haven't been--"
"I know that. It doesn't matter to me." In fact, in some ways it made it even hotter. I found the idea of being his first powerfully arousing.
I took another step toward him so that my torso pressed against his. Angling my face up so that my lips were just a few inches from his, I said, "Did you feel it, too? When we were kissing?"
He exhaled, his breath tickling my nose. "Feel what?"
"That connection between us? The chemistry?"
"All I know is that it felt good." His hand tightened around mine, almost painfully so. "And I want more."
I brushed my lips against his. "Me too...so stay with me."
He stood stock-still for a long moment, and I brought my hand around to brush along his back as if to further my case.
"No." He said it with cold finality and completely divorced from emotion.
I frowned. "You don't want to?"
"Oh, I want to."
My lower abdomen brushed against him, and I felt it--he was erect again. I shamelessly used a little friction to sell him on the idea. "I want you, Wil."
His head bent to rest on my shoulder. "I don't want something temporary, Jenna. I want more than just once."
I froze. William lifted his head, his gaze not quite catching mine before skating away and fixing on the middle of my forehead instead. I cleared my throat. "Well, it doesn't have to be a one-night stand."
He sighed, stepping back and releasing my hand. "I won't have sex with you knowing that next week or next month you'll be with someone else. If I have you, I want it to be permanent. Forever."
I shook my head. "I don't do permanent, William. Ever."
He scowled. "I understand. Good night, Jenna."
My jaw dropped. Was this really happening? When had a guy ever turned down my proposition to go to bed? I didn't extend them often--I didn't have to--but the answer was never 'no.' Not until this minute. What the hell?
William turned to leave, but my voice seemed to be caught in my throat. His rejection was
hitting a lot harder than it should. I grabbed his hand. "Wait. Don't you want to just...get it over with?"
He froze in his tracks, his body language stiff, but he didn't pull his hand away from mine. Slowly, he turned back to me and said, "I'm surprised you don't understand. You said in the bedroom that it means more to me than it does to other guys. Why would you think I'd ever want it to be something to 'just get over with'? I've had that opportunity before and didn't take it..." His voice died out and he shook his head forcefully. "Good night, Jenna," he said, tugging his hand gently from mine. "I'll pick you up at nine-thirty for the regional market tomorrow."
"Good night." I felt a weird lump in my throat as I watched him go. William was stubborn...resolved. I'd already worked those things out about his personality. But he was a man, and he was obviously attracted to me. How long could he hold out? He wasn't a superhuman, after all. I'd respect his wishes while secretly hoping he had a weak spot somewhere in there.
Alex entered from the kitchen moments after the door closed. She took one look at Heath spread out on the floor and said, "That doesn't look comfortable. Can you do me a favor and grab the extra pillow off my bed? I'm gonna get a blanket for him."
When I got back into the living room, she was crouched beside him, trying to roll him over. "Ugh, can you help me with this? I want to put him on his side in case he gets sick, but he's so damn huge."
Heath was at least six-four and extremely well built. He must have weighed two-fifty, at least. And Alex was a slight five-foot with a curvy build. I was taller, but stick thin. I had no idea how the two of us were going to move him, but somehow we managed.
"I'm exhausted," I said, stifling a yawn. "And I have the regional market tomorrow. I'm hoping to make some decent money doing readings."
"At twenty bucks a pop for fifteen minutes work, I'll say! I'd do it too if my mom wouldn't lose her shit about me playing with cartas del Diablo. Speaking of which...when do you start full-time at that? And when are you going to quit the refugee center? I bet they're bummed you're leaving."
Yawning loudly, I didn't meet her gaze when I said, "I'm about to pass out, cutie. Let's chat tomorrow."
I turned to go into my room, but Alex followed me inside. "They don't know you're leaving yet, do they?"
Reaching into my t-shirt, I unhooked my bra and pulled it out of my sleeves. "They will...soon."
"Still don't have the courage to break it to them?"
I shrugged. "They know I'm strapped for money and they can't give me a raise. I don't have the heart to even ask. They'll understand when I tell them I have to move on."
Alex cocked her head to the side. "It's not just about the money, though, is it? Are you really feeling antsy to move on, or is this all just some weird philosophy of yours? It's like you're that lady in the movie Chocolat. She always went where the wind took her, too."
I rolled my eyes. Romantic notions were Alex's bread and butter. "We've been over this before. I do need the money so I can make it back to Maja's wedding."
"Hopefully with the tiara."
My heart lurched. "Yeah, hopefully."
"So how's William coming along? Is he any closer to being able to win the big duel?"
I sighed. "He's getting there, but I'm hoping to take him to another crowded place. Problem is, it needs to be something entertaining enough to entice him. I'm thinking the movies or...I don't know."
"Why not Disneyland? It's five miles away."
I sighed dreamily. "You know how much I love that place, but...I don't have the funds to go to Disney right now."
She shrugged. "That's easy. I can still bum discount tickets off my former colleagues. I think you should go for it. After all, it is the happiest place on earth, right? Who could say no to that?"
Chapter 12
William
I shake my head as I grip the steering wheel tighter. "No," I repeat.
"But it's Disneyland! Who could say no to Disneyland?" Jenna asks.
"I just did." I keep my eyes on the road and stop at the red light. Jenna is laughing, but I can't tell if it's at my answer or me. Maybe both.
"When was the last time you went?"
The memory of that visit flashes through my mind. I was six. My mother had started taking us for regular visits again but had insisted that she couldn't handle me for long periods of time. Things had gone all right until that horrible trek through Adventureland.
We'd been walking very close to the Jungle Cruise ride when shots were fired--from a cap gun. I was terrified by the sudden loud noise and unequipped to overcome my fear. I couldn't breathe, and when she tried to pull me along, I'd refused to walk, lying down on the ground while other park guests filed around me. I'd screamed and cried as she dragged me alongside her, cursing the entire time. Typically, when I had my episodes--my mom called them "meltdowns"--she became mean, yelling and calling me all the same things the kids at school called me.
"Why do you have to be such an idiot, Liam? I brought you and your sister here to have fun, and now you're ruining it. Britt's crying because of you. Stop it right now."
"Hey." Jenna puts her hand on my shoulder. "You okay?"
I tense and then shake my head. "I don't have good memories of that place. Especially the Jungle Cruise."
She turns and looks at me. "Well then, we could make some good memories. What about the Indiana Jones ride? Or the new version of Space Mountain? Were those there the last time you went?"
I shook my head. We'd never made it to Tomorrowland. My mother had called my dad and insisted he come get me. She'd spent the rest of the day there with Britt and hadn't brought her home until the next day. I'll never forget overhearing her telling my dad about how much fun they had together after I left. Or the words Britt said to me as she handed me candy that she'd bought with her very own spending money.
"I'm sorry, Liam. I wish you could have gone on more rides with me."
I'd always wondered why my sister was sorry. My mother wasn't.
She'd never tried to take me again after that, but continued to take Britt a few times a year. In fact, I was rarely invited over to my mother's house, and when I was invited, it seldom happened. Dad had tried hard to make me feel better, saying those were special father-son days. But he'd never succeeded. The only thing I felt was broken...so broken not even my mother could love me.
"I'm sorry, Wil. Do you want to talk about it?"
I blink, surprised by the realization that I do want to talk about it. "I had a bad experience at Disneyland as a child. And then my mother...she took my sister there often, but not me."
Jenna shifts her eyes back to the road, her hand slipping down my arm. "Oh. I'm sorry. Did she do that a lot? Favor your sister over you?"
"She didn't know how to handle me. It was difficult for her."
"You don't have to make excuses for her, William. And that statement makes it seem like you blame yourself for her shortcomings."
"I do. And how is stating the truth making excuses for her?"
"Because the way you state it shapes how you think--about her and about yourself. When the voice inside your head is saying negative things about you, then you have to find a way to change it."
"There are no voices in my head, Jenna. Just pictures. Lots of pictures."
"You have feelings."
I signal a right turn at the stop sign and follow through. "Yes, I have feelings too."
"You also have the power to rewrite your history, you know."
Her words run over me like a rushing river. I picture stacks of history books and an ancient parchment with an old-fashioned quill and ink. "I have no idea what that means," I say as I pull into the parking lot at the Yorba Regional Park--a beautiful, natural space situated along the bank of the wetlands of the Santa Ana River.
"It means you can change those negative associations and your attitude toward past events. You can change your perspective. Like...you can reprogram and frame those memories in the context where you're not blaming you
rself, because you weren't to blame."
I turn to her, and for a split second our eyes meet. Her gaze stabs through me like a pointed lance. "Do you do that? If you did, maybe you wouldn't have to run away to a new place."
Her mouth drops open and then snaps shut, her blue eyes wide. I don't move a muscle while I wait for her answer. Her face flushes dark and she turns to gather her bag before climbing out of the cab of my truck then slamming the door--too hard. I slip out of my seat and go to the back of the truck. She faces me there, her arms stiff, her fists balled up, her face still flushed. She's just as beautiful as ever, and every time I notice, it makes it hard to swallow and sometimes hard to breathe.
"That wasn't nice of you," she says between her teeth.
"What?"
"What you just said."
"About how you run away? Why does the truth make you mad?"
"Because I'm not running away."
"So you're...walking away?"
She blows out a breath and her eyes roll up to the sky. "You make me crazy."
"I get told that a lot."
She licks her bottom lip with her small, pink tongue, and I immediately think about how it felt to have that tongue in my mouth. I've kissed exactly three women in my lifetime. One was a girl who said I was her boyfriend in high school, even though we never went on dates. Another was my roommate for a few years when I first moved out. She tried kissing me on different occasions and had made a similar offer to Jenna's last night. I'd told her no, too.
And now the third--Jenna.
But her kisses were different. It felt like I was drowning and waking up and suffocating and winning an impossible victory, all at the same time. It was overwhelming but also calming. My body felt like it was on fire and shivering in ice, standing perfectly still and also speeding incredibly fast down a racetrack.
I want that feeling again. I want her. And not just her kisses. I want everything. Everything she offered me...and more.
But I don't want it once. I don't want it for a week or a month, or even a few months. And that's what will happen, too. I'll be left here alone, burning for more of her.
I don't like that I feel like this already--that she has this much power over my thoughts and feelings. It makes me feel vulnerable. I don't like that feeling.
"I'm sorry you're angry," I say. And I really am. "I just speak the truth. I say what's on my mind, and I have no idea when it's appropriate or not."