Chapter Ten
I missed not having stars on the ceiling.
They usually helped me get to sleep.
I couldn’t sleep at all tonight.
I wanted my own bed.
I always lay on my back with both arms behind my head. One week when Sam was waiting for her king-size bed to arrive she slept in my bed. The last night she said, ‘I don’t know how you sleep on your back all the time. I can’t do it.’
‘I like looking up at the stars and always remember the first time you stuck them up there for me. That helps me get to sleep.’
‘Really? That’s so sweet.’ She kissed my cheek and hugged into me.
Another thing that helped me sleep was sucking my thumb. I was reformed after the braces incident but took it up again when Mum died.
I was addicted like a smoker. I could imagine forgetting myself one day and taking in one long puff only to exhale a big long breath of confused anxieties. If only it were that simple, I’d have taken up smoking in a flash. Just so long as I didn’t get that whooping like cough.
Before I went to sleep every night I had to make sure everything was turned off and everything was tidy. My blinds all had to face the same way and be crack-free and my pillowcases free of stains. I had to take the TV plug out and check it three times because I was scared of having a fire in my room.
When I was younger my obsession with checking the TV plug became so desperate I could never escape the thought of fire.
Mum found me one night crying and pulling at my TV plug when I was four. ‘What on earth are you doing? You’ll electrocute yourself,’ she said.
I whimpered and said, ‘I don’t know what to do, Mummy. I need to make a fire in my room because I can’t get the thought of it out of my head.’
I remembered the still look on her face. ‘But Keisha, if you don’t want a fire in your room then why are you trying to make one?’
‘Because if I do, the horrible thoughts might go away and I need them to.’
Fortunately the Zoloft helped control those thoughts now.
When I woke up in the motel it was to Dad’s presence. He was standing over me and weeping.
He had the red face.
And the tics.
I was sure to inherit both.
How could I not?
‘I’m so sorry, Keisha. Sam told me.’
I sat up. ‘Have you been to see Stan yet?’
‘No – no, I wanted to find you first, but I’m going to kill that son of a bitch for doing this to us. Why didn’t you tell anyone where you were going? We were worried sick.’
‘Sam didn’t want me to come so I came without telling anyone. She didn’t want you to know.’
‘I know. I drummed it out of her. When I went into your room to get you up for school I saw your bed made and you were nowhere to be seen. I called Sam. She came into your room and started balling, so I shook it out of her. I’m not denying it took hours but I found out eventually. I think the poor girl must have cried so many tears she won’t have any left.’
‘Where is she? Is she okay?’
‘She’s at home. She was still crying when I left. I had to get a last minute flight to the Gold Coast. Jessica is looking after her though.’
I had caused all this stress.
I shouldn’t have come to see Stan.
But I had to.
‘Poor Sam. Didn’t she want to come with you?’
‘No, I didn’t want her to come. It wouldn’t have been good, and besides, I don’t think she’d want to see what I’m going to do to Stan.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Oh, never you mind. All I can tell you is that it won’t be pretty.’
‘Dad! You know hitting him isn’t going to solve anything. What’s done is done. How is beating him up going to help?’
‘It’ll make me feel a whole lot better, I can tell you. What that rapist has done to my Sam… whoa, the man deserves nothing but a quick kick to hell.’
‘But really, Dad, what is it going to solve? You’ll be just as bad as what he is.’
He shook his head. ‘No, I won’t. What that man did is evil and he deserves everything he’s got coming to him.’
‘And do you think that’s what Sam wants?’
‘No, but it’s what he deserves.’
I sat up straight. ‘Well, I’m going to come with you.’
‘No, you’re not. You’re going to stay here. I’ll go and see Stan, then come back for you, and we’ll go home.’
‘No, Dad, I’m coming with you, whether you like it or not.’
‘Okay, but you’re to stay behind me, you hear?’
‘Yes. By the way, how did you find out I was here?’
‘When Sam finally confessed, it was obvious you’d come to the Gold Coast, and I rang almost every Gold Coast motel before I found you.’
An hour later we were outside the front of Stan’s house.
Dad rang the bell.
We heard hurried footsteps.
Then silence and faint voices.
Dad rang again and waited a minute before Stan answered. Stan’s face had experienced a transformation. Now instead of stopping traffic he could blind drivers with his deathly white skin.
And he had tics.
‘Come in,’ he whispered.
Dad walked straight through the doorway, shouldered Stan and stood in the hall with his arms firmly by his side.
‘What can I do for you?’ Stan said
He kept his eyes locked on Stan’s moon-face.
‘You’ve got a nerve, you great son of a bitch.’ Dad was barely able to get his words out.
‘Come on, we can talk about this sensibly. Let’s go and sit in the study.’
Only so the old scarecrow didn’t hear.
She hadn’t done a good job of scaring me and Dad away though.
‘No, we’re not going into the study. We are going to stay out here.’
‘Okay,’ Stan said watching the stairs. ‘But let’s please be civilised about this.’
‘How dare you! Were you being civilised when you raped Sam?’ and he darted over to Stan.
He threw his hands around his neck.
He held him up against the wall.
I hadn’t seen Dad like this.
‘Please – please, Tony, let’s not do this. Let’s talk about it. We can do that, can’t we?’ Stan said.
‘No! No, we’re not going to talk about it because what you did was disgusting. It was sick. Do you know what that poor girl went through? Do you, Stan? You filthy old bugger!’
Nell was walking slowly downstairs with her hands over her mouth. ‘Stan – Stan, what’s going on?’
‘Er, nothing, darling. It’s all okay. It’s just a family tiff. It’ll be over before you know it,’ he said looking up.
‘Just some family tiff, eh? What a load of pig’s waddle! I see you haven’t told the poor woman yet, Stan, but that’s typical of you, isn’t it? I don’t know how you’ve kept it a secret this long. Sam only did because she didn’t want me to kill you, which is precisely what I’m going to do.’ Dad tightened his grip.
Nell stared at them. ‘Stan, tell me what’s going on. What has Sam got to do with all this?’
‘Tell her, Stan. Go on, tell her what you did to Sam.’
Stan had tics in full strength.
His face was going into an annular eclipse.
He looked at Nell, then at Dad and back at Nell.
‘Well, if you’re not going to tell her I will,’ Dad said.
‘No! No, please don’t,’ and he started to cry.
‘Oh, don’t start crying, you big old wus.’
‘Will someone please just tell me what the hell is going on,’ Nell said and ran downstairs.
‘Oh, I’ll tell you what’s going on, Nell. Your wonderful husband here is a rapist,’ Dad said.
‘He’s a what?’
?
??He’s a rapist. Do you want me to spell it out for you?’
‘But – but, he’s never raped anyone in his life.’
‘That’s right, darling, I haven’t,’ Stan said.
‘See, he’s telling you he hasn’t raped anyone. What more do you want?’
She was more naive than I thought.
Her scarecrow brain was certainly scarce of a brain cell or two.
‘Come on, Nell. Your husband is a rapist! He raped Sam when she was thirteen, for God’s sakes.’
‘No – no, that’s not possible. He always loved Sam. He loved all the girls and he would never have done anything to hurt them.’
‘What? How do you think Keisha came into this world?’
She gasped unexpectedly.
It was a loud gag-like gasp.
Surely she wouldn’t throw up at a time like this.
‘No – no, Stan would never do such a thing.’
‘Well, what about Keisha? She’s his daughter.’
She looked at me and said, ‘no, she’s not his daughter. She doesn’t look anything like him.’
Dad looked at me too, and back at her. ‘That doesn’t mean a bloody thing. Keisha has very blue eyes like Sam. She doesn’t need both parents to have them.’
Dad seemed to know his genetics.
I had underestimated him.
I had underestimated his temper too.
He didn’t seem to fit the big soft bear category anymore.
‘Dad, watch what you’re doing. You’re going to suffocate him,’ I said as I watched his grip get tighter.
‘And you think I care? The son of a bitch deserves it.’
‘Dad, do you really think killing Stan is worth it? Please just stop it now. Let’s go.’
‘No! No, I’m not going to let him go. He harmed our Sam.’
‘Please, Dad. Killing or injuring him won’t be good for anyone. You’ll both end up getting hurt or you will end up in prison. Do you really want to stoop that low for him?’
Dad looked at me and paused before saying, ‘I don’t care, Keisha, so long as he pays for what he did.’
‘Dad, he is paying. He’s paying now, isn’t he? Look what you’re doing to him. Just let him go. You don’t want to go to prison just for his sake, do you? You know you’d hate it in there.’
‘Of course I don’t want to go to prison, but if it’s what I have to do...’
Nell and Stan were looking at me.
They looked like albino twins with Tourette’s.
‘Do you think Sam would want you to do this? No, of course she wouldn’t. That’s why she didn’t tell you in the first place. Do you really want her to have to deal with a rape as well as a father who’s a murderer?’
Dad frowned.
He had the tics too.
They all had them.
‘Dad, think about it. She’s been through a lot. She doesn’t want to come and visit you in prison. None of us do. Even Alex. And that’s what it’ll be. All for the sake of some pathetic rapist who just isn’t worth it.’
He turned quickly to Stan. ‘He isn’t worth it alright.’
‘Good, well let go of his neck.’
He loosened his grip.
‘Come on, Dad. You can do it. Let go of him and we’ll go.’
He sniffed and took a hand away to wipe his nose. ‘No, I can’t.’
‘Look at it this way, Dad. I know I don’t necessarily have a good father, but aren’t you happy I came into this world?
He looked at me. ‘Oh, Keisha, of course I am.’
‘Well, please stop what you’re doing. Please, do it for me. Do it for Sam.’
He took his hand away.
There were four red fingermarks on Stan’s neck.
Dad came over to hug me.
He was hot and sweaty.
Thriving with germs.
‘I’m sorry, princess, I never want to hurt you or Sam.’
He hugged me tighter.
Now I was thriving with germs too.
Nell had her hands up against her mouth while Stan was coughing and wheezing on his knees.
Dad turned to Stan and said, ‘what do you think your sister would’ve thought of what you did? I bet she’s turning over in her grave right now, doing a full one hundred and eighty degree turn.’
I must have gotten my imagination from Dad.
‘I know what you’re saying, Tony, and I know what I did was wrong and I’d love to go back and change it but I can’t, so I have to live with it.’
‘Yeah, well I hope you live in hell for the rest of your pitiful life.’
Dad looked around and paused. ‘Typical for a man like you to get what he wants, hey? This house. All that money. But you’ll be sad for the rest of your life, just you wait and see. You’ve committed a deadly sin and you’ll pay for it. The evil thing you did will eat away at you, chew at your insides so badly that you’ll feel nothing but pain for the rest of your life.’
I definitely got my imagination from Dad.
Suddenly Nell broke in. ‘What? What’s going on, Stan? You told me you didn’t rape the girl. What’s going on?’
Stan had forgotten about his wife.
‘Nell, I’m so sorry. I did have um - you know - with Sam when she was young. I’m really sorry. I should’ve told you but she was a very impressionable teenager. She came onto me and I couldn’t help myself.’
Dad flung his arms towards Stan’s neck again.
I ran over to him.
‘Stop this, Dad. You know he’s lying. Sam would never have done that. Come on, we’ll leave now so they can discuss it.’
He relented and let go of Stan.
It took all my strength to pull Dad out of the house.
*****