Chapter Nine
Borrowing Sam’s credit card wasn’t as difficult as I thought it would be. She always left her purse lying around. For a super organised person she treated her wandering purse like it was a gypsy. It always had a different home.
I knew I shouldn’t have taken the card but she should have told me about my true paternity sooner. I was just fortunate we looked alike. In her driver’s licence photo she had long dark hair like mine. All I needed was the makeup. And a fair bit of it too. I couldn’t remember a time when I saw Sam without her veil on. She always had foundation caked to her skin and eyeliner doodled around her eyes. Actually her makeup wasn’t that bad. I was just being nasty.
I booked an early morning flight so I could leave without anyone knowing. I had enough money for a cab to the airport. I rummaged through my suitcase and checked it for the eighth time. I had to check it twelve times before I checked in.
I had t-shirts and shorts because the Gold Coast was hot.
A long jacket and jeans just in case it was cold.
My toothbrush, makeup, and hairbrush.
Cleaning wipes and soap.
Medication.
I thought about leaving a vague note for my family to let them know I was safe but I didn’t because I didn’t want them to find me in a hurry. I could just picture Dad and Sam running after the taxi in the dark.
Sam would be saying, ‘quick, Dad, go back and get the car!’ while puffing and panting trying to gather up speed.
Dad would say, ‘no, Sam. There isn’t enough time. Come on, we have to hurry before the cab gets up to the main road.’
Poor Dad, sometimes I wondered how he raised four girls. Not only was he a big soft bear but he was quite often a space cadet as well. And I loved him for it.
I was just lucky no-one heard me come down the stairs and outside to the taxi. I had planned my escape the night before. I would be a Charlie’s Angel in no time.
I unlocked the front door when everyone went to bed.
I only wore socks until I was inside the taxi (and replaced them as soon as I was in the cab. You never knew what germs were growing on the pavements).
I rang the taxi service to warn the driver not to beep his horn.
I was quite the sneaky conspirer.
The last time I went on a plane was to Sydney with Mum when I was five to see one of umpteen specialists.
‘Well, he wasn’t really any good, was he?’ Mum said when we were walking out of the shrink’s office.
‘I guess not.’ I was quiet because the specialist had implied there was nothing wrong with me and that I was looking for attention.
‘And to think what he’s going to charge us.’
‘Yes, Mum,’ I said half-heartedly while staring at an ominous stain on the window.
While I was in the cab I pondered over a conversation I had recently with Alex. It was like trying to have a conversation with a mute. I remembered saying to her, ‘what do you think about?’
She looked at me and said, ‘what?’ so I repeated the question.
‘You really are mad, more retarded than I thought. It’s a good thing you’re seeing all those shrinks. That’s all I can say,’ and she continued watching TV.
So it was true.
I really was odd.
I had my own encyclopaedia of confusion in my mind.
I had thoughts I didn’t know how to control.
Thoughts that didn’t seem to belong to me.
Thoughts I wanted to be free of and thoughts I never wanted to leave.
When I was at the airport I had an hour to board and another two checks to go. I had to empty out my suitcase.
I parked my case on a chair and opened it up.
An old skinny lady stopped and said, ‘is everything okay?’
I didn’t know what to say back so I smiled, but she continued to stand and stare.
‘It’s just you look like you’ve lost something,’ she said and coughed. It was horrible and gag-like.
I quickly bunged everything back into my case, zipped it up and walked away.
She called out after me but I was scared she would throw up.
Check-ins had begun and I still had two of my own checks to go. The lady had interrupted my first check so I had to do that one again.
I went into a baby’s change room.
I checked the case in there and put on some foundation and eyeliner.
Now one more check to go.
I walked towards the check-in counter worried I was going to miss the flight. I knelt down in the queue and opened the case to make my final check, but it was like walking in a strapless thong tied to the case while going through it. I just had to keep moving.
People stared and frowned.
I didn’t care; I needed to check.
Otherwise the plane might crash or even worse, the person next to me on the flight might throw up.
When I was finally at the counter I did my case up (I was surprised the zip hadn’t broken under my constant pulling at it) and handed over Sam’s licence. I crossed my fingers behind my back.
‘There you go,’ the check-in lady said, handing me back the licence. ‘You’ll be boarding at 6.55am,’ and she smiled.
I smiled back.
I had passed off as Sam.
Makeup and all.
The woman I sat next to didn’t seem like she was going to throw up but the ailment she had wasn’t much worse. She had a cold so bad it sounded like her nose had a life of its own.
She sounded like a train.
She was chugging.
She was whistling.
I would get a cold for sure.
I put my left hand over the side of my face and made sure I didn’t get close.
Once the plane was in the air the stewardess handed me a small bottle of juice that I wiped down with one of my wipes.
‘Can I get out please? I need to use the toilet,’ the train nose asked as I took my first sip.
‘Er, yeah, sure,’ I said, shocked she could talk with all that gunk clogging up her nostrils.
I stood up quickly and walked half way down the aisle hoping she wouldn’t pass me on the way. Luckily she went in the opposite direction.
When she came back I did the same again.
I thought about my family and if they had discovered I wasn’t at home yet. Sam would have gone into my room to wake me up and found my bed empty. I did not bring her credit card with me because I had some money of my own. I didn’t want her to check her readings to find out where I was until I’d had a chance to see Stan.
Even though Dougall was my best friend I didn’t tell him because I couldn’t risk anyone knowing I was going to the Gold Coast. I knew my family would track me down eventually though.
I took my hand away from my face because the train nose was facing the window. She was asleep and thankfully so was her nose.
I was surprised the landing was easier than expected. In fact, I enjoyed it. I took a taxi to my cheap motel.
‘Is it always so hot here at this time of the morning?’ I asked the driver.
‘Yeah, love. It gets even hotter than this some mornings. Where yar from, love?’
I didn’t want to continue the conversation but he seemed nice enough. ‘I’m from Melbourne.’
‘Ah, nice. You come up to visit yer folks, have ya?’
‘Er, yeah – yes, you could say that,’ and I looked out the window to imply I didn’t want to talk anymore. I think he got the hint.
It was so humid here.
Germs bred quickly in the heat.
My room wasn’t bad. You couldn’t complain at seventy dollars a night for a place on the Gold Coast. At least it was clean even if it was only a bed, wardrobe, toilet and shower in a shoebox.
I lay on the bed for a while thinking about Sam. How she thought she could keep the secret from Dad, I had no idea, but I found it fascinating to think we have thoughts and feelings so
deep down inside us we deny even to ourselves they are there. It is like we build up a barrier to prevent the negative emotions getting too close to our full consciousness. A defense mechanism we use to survive.
I unpacked.
I had some lunch.
And I decided to go to Stan’s.
I couldn’t believe I was standing there on my biological father’s turf. And what a whopping share of turf he had. A garden so full of palm trees the ants would have had a field day.
It was a beautiful place housing not such a beautiful man. He was so different in my mind he had become a stranger.
He was no longer the chubby little round man with a smiley face.
He was desperate.
A man with no grasp of humanity or morality.
He was disgusting.
Everyone had become a stranger to me lately – Sam, Dad, Jessica. I was worried I was going to turn into a xenophobe. Fortunately for Alex though I always knew where I was with her. She was like a lagoon – depthless and way too predictable.
I screwed my nose up at the enormous house, a big creamy hunk of brick with small windows.
I knocked on the front door, a tall chunk of black wood.
I heard footsteps on a wooden floor.
Polished wooden floorboards, no doubt.
Nell answered. ‘Hello. Oh, Keisha, what are you doing here?’ and she peered over my shoulder for the rest of the family, I guessed.
‘I um came to see Stan actually.’
She frowned. ‘Oh? Well, that’s nice, Keisha, but – but why?’
‘Do you mind if I come in please? I’ve come all the way from Melbourne.’
‘No, of course not. Come in, please.’
I walked into the foyer. It was huge and even more disgustingly appealing than the front of the house. To my left was a white-carpeted staircase.
‘Come this way. Stan’s in the kitchen.’
I looked around. The benches were made of black marble, and the fridge, dishwasher and stove of chrome. Polished floorboards ran all the way through to what I thought could be the dining room.
There he was.
Sitting on a stool, eating a sandwich.
He smiled and clumps of meat and bread squeezed through his teeth.
That smiley face made me cringe.
‘Keisha, what are you doing here? It’s lovely to see you.’
He stood up and came over to give me a hug but I pulled away.
‘Is something wrong, love?’ he asked and looked me up and down. ‘Wow, how much you’ve grown. How long has it been now?’
When I didn’t answer he turned to Nell who was filling the kettle. ‘Nell, how long’s it been since we’ve seen the girls?’
‘Oh, I don’t know. I’d say two or three years,’ and she rubbed the back of her neck. She had lost weight and aged so much she wouldn’t have looked odd in a field of crop to scare the birds away. Stick her in their garden and she could have scared the likes of me coming around to abuse Stan.
Then she looked at me and said, ‘we can’t get down to see you so much these days, love. You know, with Stan and his heart, it’s not good we travel as much.’
‘That’s not good. How long has he had a bad heart for?’ I asked. It was the first I’d heard about it.
‘Oh, it must be almost a year now, love. Yes, he has something called angina. It means we can’t travel in a plane. The doctor said so.’
That was like saying I couldn’t travel in a plane because of all my obsessions. It was the first I’d heard about angina getting worse with flying. He had more of a chance dying in a plane crash than of a heart attack up in the sky. After all, great hunks of metal weren’t made to fly. Gravity was there for a reason, and we should leave flying up to the birds.
‘No, that’s okay,’ I said.
My heart started to palpitate.
My hands clammed up.
I was feeling hot and cold.
How was I going to approach it?
‘Are you okay, love? You’re looking a bit pale all of a sudden,’ Nell asked.
‘Yes – yes, I’m fine. I’ve just been feeling a bit odd since the flight.’
‘Oh, you poor dear. Come over and sit down on the couch for a while. I’ll get you a hot drink.’
I knew I had to tell them now. If I didn’t the anxiety wouldn’t stop torturing my mind. It took all the courage I had to ask Stan if I could have a moment alone with him.
‘Of course, love. We’ll go into my study.’
I sat down in a large black chair, cleared my throat and kneaded my hands together.
‘Stan, I – I’ve come here to tell you that you’re my father.’
He stared at me.
His eyes were wide and still.
‘What? What did you just say?’
‘I said you’re my father.’
‘And – and how have you come to that conclusion?’ He had Dad’s office talk. The office talk must have been reserved for men who didn’t work in an office but wished they did.
‘You raped Sam when she was thirteen.’
He leaned back in the other big black chair and covered his face with massive hands. I thought they would’ve been hairier but there were only some little clumps of hair below the knuckles.
I was glad I hadn’t inherited them.
He didn’t say anything for ages.
Finally he looked up at me. His face was red and raw. He hadn’t been crying, just pushing his hands hard against his cheeks.
I was glad I hadn’t inherited that red face either. If I’d have inherited both his red face and Sam’s I would’ve been able to stop traffic in no time.
‘And who told you this? Sam?’
I nodded.
‘Does the whole family know?’
‘No, only Sam and me. I forced her to tell me who my father is. I only found out a few days ago.’
I suddenly felt calm.
I felt I had some control of this powerless man.
‘You’re not going to deny it then?’ I asked.
He paused before saying, ‘no – no, I can’t deny it now. I’ve wanted to forget about it, forget it ever happened, and here it is stabbing me in the butt again.’
At least I hadn’t inherited his foul tongue either.
He heaved and continued. ‘I didn’t know she had a kid out of it though. I always thought you were the product of some kid she met at school. My sister told me you weren’t really hers but Sam’s. She kept up that lie because she didn’t want the neighbours or kids at Sam’s school to know.’
‘So you thought Sam was having sex with boys at thirteen? You’re sicker than I thought.’
Now I felt my face go red.
Maybe I was going to inherit it after all.
I just hoped I didn’t get the tics too.
‘I never really thought about it. I thought I always had trouble conceiving. That’s why Nell could never have children, because my sperm count was too low. That’s why I never considered you were my daughter.’
‘So, it never occurred to you at all?’
‘No, not really.’
‘What is that supposed to mean? Not really. That it did occur to you or it didn’t?’
‘Oh, it might’ve flashed through my head once or twice, but I quickly disregarded the thought.’
‘And what if it’s Nell who could never have the children? Were either of you ever tested?’
‘No, we weren’t. We tried having kids but it never happened, so we gave up trying. I guess we never wanted them badly enough.’
‘Why did you do it, Stan?’
The big red heifer had tears in his eyes.
Tears of regret or tears of guilt?
Or just tears of anger at being found out?
‘I don’t know, I really don’t. It’s something I hate myself for now though and I don’t ever want to do it again. I don’t even want to think about it.’
??
?So you think you can just do what you did – and more than once too – without it having any effect on anyone else? Is that what you think?’
He shook his head slowly and said, ‘no, no, of course I don’t. I know what I did to Sam must’ve hurt her, but I don’t like to think about it.’
‘You don’t want to think about it? Can you imagine what goes through her mind every single day? That poor woman’s life has been affected by what you did to her. She was never the same girl. I didn’t realise that when I was little but now I know what happened to her, I know why she was the way she was.’
‘What do you mean, the way she was? What was wrong with her?’
‘She became a little flirt, trying to pick all the boys up, even at the age of nineteen, but when they got near her she scolded them. It was as though she wanted to attract them but when they got too close she pushed them away. It was kind of like she was trying to punish them for something they didn’t do.’
‘Well, that’s kind of how she was with me and with me being a weak old man, I just couldn’t restrain myself.’
He couldn’t restrain himself.
If every man said that we would have a world full of rapists.
‘That’s a poor excuse and you know it, Stan. In fact, there is absolutely no excuse on this earth for what you did, especially since you did it so many times to her. You’re pathetic.’
There was a knock at the study door. ‘Is everything alright in there? I can hear arguing,’ Nell asked.
‘Er yes, dear. Everything is fine,’ he called back.
‘Good. Just remember what I told you about not giving money,’ I heard her whisper.
‘Are you going to tell her then?’ I asked.
He looked across at his huge desk and said, ‘I don’t know, I really don’t. I suppose I’ll have to now.’
‘Well, she’ll end up finding out.’
‘I know.’
There was silence.
I was angry but the shock had finally gone.
By seeing him and talking to him, and seeing the way he reacted, I was softening to Sam’s decision not to tell me sooner.
‘Where do we go to from here then?’ I asked.
‘Do you want me to give you some money? Is that why you’ve come here to tell me this? Because you need money?’
‘I don’t know what you’re thinking, Stan. I wasn’t even thinking about your stupid money so Nell has nothing to worry about. For all I care, you can throw it all away on grog or at the pokies. It doesn’t bother me. I just wanted to see my real father, see you for who you really are instead of the person I thought you were.’
‘So why come and see me now even though you saw me so much when you were young?’
‘Because back then I loved you to death. As I said, you were my idol. You could do nothing wrong in my eyes. Now, I wanted to see your face and see if it was as smiley as I once remembered, those eyes as kind as I once thought they were.’
‘And are they?’
‘No, I don’t know what I saw in you, Stan. I really don’t. It’s as though that Stan is a different Stan to the one I’m standing in front of now. It’s funny how you perceive someone completely different once you know them, and I mean really know them.’
He looked sad.
I calmed my voice.
I didn’t want old Nell pussy-footing outside again.
‘So, what are we going to do now?’
‘I have no idea, Keisha. What do you think we should do seeing as you’re so mature about everything now?’
‘Maturity doesn’t even come into it. I’m just trying to deal with things.’
‘Well, if you ask me, I think we should just let everything lie for the moment and keep everything as it is, for the sake of peace.’
For the sake of peace.
And was it peace he thought about when he was raping Sam?
No, he didn’t want to damage his precious life and reputation.
‘I don’t think so, Stan. You know we can’t keep all this quiet. It’s not fair on Sam or me, and it will eventually come out.’
‘But if you start telling the family you know what’ll happen, don’t you? Your father will come at me with a wooden axe.’
‘Yeah, and it’s probably something you deserve. I’ll make sure he doesn’t though. As for Sam, she doesn’t even know I’m here.’
‘She doesn’t know. Why not? I thought she might’ve sent you.’
‘No, I came out of my own free will. She tried to stop me, persisted with me in fact. She knows what Dad is capable of.’
‘Yes, exactly. She’s a wise girl, trying to stop you from coming.’
‘What do you expect? You raped Sam - the girl up until a few days ago, I thought was my sister. Then I find out you’re my father while I’ve been thinking all this time Dad is my real father. Don’t you have feelings for anyone but yourself?’
He came closer and grit his teeth before saying, ‘of course I do, but what do you think this is going to do to Nell and the rest of the family? Keep your voice down.’
‘She’ll find out eventually, so why not now?’ My voice grew.
‘Because I want to tell her in my own time. I don’t want her to find out like this. Can you at least give me that?’
‘I don’t want to make trouble but I do want what is fair.’
There was that same old Nell knock at the door.
‘Are you both okay in there? I can still hear shouting and you’ve been in there a long time.’
‘Yes – yes, we’re fine. Keisha is just about to leave.’
‘Fine, I know when I’m not wanted,’ I said.
He leaned in close to my ear again.
Sweaty skin and onions.
I cringed.
‘Can we settle this? I can give you some money, say fifty grand, to keep it quiet.’
‘You’ve got to be joking, haven’t you? Haven’t you listened to a word I just said? I don’t want your filthy money.’ I hurried to the door but he grabbed my arm.
‘Just think about it.’
Hot onions in my ear again.
I hoped I didn’t inherit the bad breath gene.
*****