16: Struggling Onward
Robert sat in his car in silence. He knew leaving like this would cause concern and maybe some tax payer dollars, but a part of him said that his family deserved to be worried. After all they didn’t care about him, only that he did what he was supposed to do, which was live the same lives they did. But what if they thought he was going to kill himself, which he was sure it had already entered their minds. Well, they worry too much anyway, maybe this would teach them. He felt so confused. Why was his life so complicated? Everything had been fine before the Marson case. Then his life had taken a bad turn. So there was a lesson God had wanted him to learn, but why did that mean he had to change everything about his life, at least that is what it appeared everyone else wanted.
Robert got out of the car and started packing his stuff. Once done he set off, there was no going back; he was going to do this. Get away from all the questions and all the answers to his problems. He had no job and no commitment to anything. His fiancée didn’t care and neither did his family. Oh they would come looking for him, but they didn’t care what he was going through, just what they got out of it. It was high time he got something out of it.
He set off walking enjoying getting the energy out, taking his frustrations out with each step. His mind was racing through all the events and all the people who thought they were trying to help. Each step also brought more confidence in what he was doing and that he was right; he was justified. When he finally came out of his thoughts the sky had grown dark. He could just make out a few stars from under the trees towering over him. He turned around and found he has just crested the top of a mountain. He looked out over the rolling mountains. How far had he come? He couldn’t guess, but he had started at the edge of the mountains and now he couldn’t make out the where they ended. He continued to look out over the vast expanse and admire the scenery as it slowly lost its third dimension to the gathering darkness. As a child he would have been scared to be out in the dark, after all he had gone through he still should, but he continued to watch and soak in the different world under the stars. He stood till the moon came up over the mountains and brightened up the world till Robert could make out the details of the trees around him. He decided to set up camp.
Robert started the fire and got out his first meal on the trail to cook over the fire. The smell of the stew reminded him that he had not eaten since the small snack in the car. After he had enjoyed his meal he found himself thinking again. After an hour of arguments he decided he was tired of thinking. He lay down on his sleeping bag and listened to the night noises. He could hear an owl off to his left, hooting lonely into the night. He could hear animals scuttling around his camp sight and the sizzling of the fire he had just put out. A mosquito buzzed by his ear and landed on his neck, he left it alone, he was tired of doing; he just wanted to let things lie.
Robert woke from a deep sleep, something he hadn’t had in a long time. He took in a death breath of the cool air and lay their listening to the birds singing and the critters running about. The sun was just coming up over the mountains. He once again slipped back into thoughts of self pity, but this time felt his own defense of his actions losing ground. By the time he had finished his thoughts it was midday. He was slightly surprised to find he was in a different spot and all his belongings had been packed. He was losing his mind. He had packed up and didn’t even know it, or at least consciously. Was he crazy? By nighttime he had once again found himself on the top of a mountain. He decided to camp near a cliff edge. Once again he slept deep, deeper than the night before if possible. When he stood up he found his legs were aching, he was not in the right shape for this, but he didn’t care. He packed up after breakfast and taking a last glance out over the cliff he set of again. His progress that day seemed hindered by his soreness, but he pressed on, and soon found himself awake in the morning. He noticed his fire was still going with his dinner still stewing in the pot, if stewing could describe the tar he found inside. He had fallen asleep before eating and hadn’t put the fire out. He packed up once again, though more slowly than even the day before and set off once again. His thoughts today all but betrayed him. His arguments felt flimsy, built on a foundation of self pity and stubbornness. He started to notice some of the faults he carried in this whole affair, especially leaving without telling anyone. He came to a particularly difficult incline and struggled to walk up it. His legs were aching and his feet were sore from the blisters that had sprung up from his lack of hiking in the past. Each step became painful and came with sharp breaths of air; he wasn’t sure why he continued. By the time he reached the top the weight of his feet as well as that on his mind almost had him in tears. He was about to collapse when he saw a bench up ahead. The bench was unusual in itself as he hadn’t passed one yet, or hadn’t noticed. On the bench sat someone he hadn’t expected to see, at least not here. He had expected his dad or brother, but this took him by surprise. He straightened up, not wanting to show his weakness and slowly limped his way to the bench.
Abigail said nothing; she didn’t even look at him. Part of Robert just wanted to keep walking, but the last climb had left him weary, weary in body and spirit. He sank onto the bench with a thud, releasing his pack to the ground. They sat there for what seemed an hour, aware of the birds singing, the trees swaying in the wind, and of each other.
“I wish to apologize.”
Robert hadn’t expected these words from her.
“I don’t understand.”
Abigail turned to him and looked him in the eyes. “I have been thinking Robert and I feel I owe you an apology. I have also been asked to carry some other apologies, but let’s not talk about those yet. I want to ask forgiveness for not taking the time to understand what you are going through and for expecting things to be as I wanted them.”
Robert had to think this over; he had expected arguments and expressions of disappointment.
“Robert, look at me, in order to make this work we both need to understand that neither of us is perfect and I have to accept that I have fault in this as well. I ask forgiveness and I hope that together we can overcome any burdens that you currently bare and together work towards glorifying God.”
The remainder of Robert’s defenses came crashing down, he had no argument. He couldn’t forgive her without admitting to his own faults, and now he had the clarity to see through his self pity to see them. Back in the cave of Trent Frennur he had placed his life in God’s hands, but not completely. He still held on to part of his life, he still wanted his freedom. He was no freer of himself than his feet were of blisters.
“I forgive you and I ask yours in return, for running off without word and for continuing my hold on to this world. I have been hiking for three days now and am painfully aware of how the world continues without me. I have been so absorbed in thought that I haven’t even noticed what I was doing, yet each step continued as if told to by someone else. I think I realize now that I need to let go of everything. My life doesn’t matter, the life I want to live that is. It doesn’t go anywhere and doesn’t lead to anything. I expected to have a purpose after my encounter with Trent Frennur; I expected to be stronger and only found myself getting weaker. I found things I cared about before held no meaning anymore, not in the grand scheme of things. Instead of taking this and trusting God to give it meaning, I tried to hold onto what the world offered, and I see now that is hasn’t led me anywhere.”
“I forgive you Robert and I want you to know that my life or your families isn’t perfect either. We all descend into the valleys and have to climb back out, but I realized that unlike God, who helps us in every way, I expected…I wanted you to climb out yourself. I know longer want that; I want to be part of that climb. Only then can we come out the better, together.”
Robert stared at her and decided it was time to go home, and his feet felt that thought was the best as well. “Thank you for coming and find
ing me. I think it is time we get back and begin this journey of ours.”
Abigail gave him a big hug, putting her head on his shoulder, he returned it warmly. After a while they got up and Robert felt his whole body protest. Abigail seemed to notice.
“Shall we take your car or mine?”