The gun under the ship was basically a hole with a ladder, leading to a seat with a transparent bubble and the gun. TCB0 fumbled with the ladder for a moment, trying to bend down enough to put his useless hands on the bars.
Suddenly the ship jolted and CB0 screamed as he fell down the hole.
“Oh,” he said, looking around in surprise. He hand landed butt first into the gun’s seat. “How fortunate.” Through the transparent metal CB0 could see two ships with cockpits placed vertically over their blaster machine guns. They were tall, but smaller than the Buzzard overall. They were circling around the Buzzard and shooting blaster bolts, which bounced off of the ship’s shields.
CB0 looked around and noticed a headset propped on the gun’s controls. He fumbled with it before he fitted it onto his head.
“Droid!” came John’s angry voice. “Listen to me!”
“Yes, Captain Solar,” replied TCB0. “I must protest Captain, I am not a--”
“Shut up!” replied Solar. “I’m focusing on the blue ship. You shoot the yellow ship. Got it?”
"I have never shot one of these but I--”
TCB0 was interrupted as the Buzzard lurched hard, hit by a blaster bolt that had made it through the shields.
CB0 put his metal hands on the double triggered controls for the turret. The seat, glass bubble, and gun swiveled with his movements. Unfortunately the droid’s servos were not the least bit capable of smooth or precise movement, and the bubble and gun began to speed and buck rapidly.
“Oh, no!” screamed CB0 as he was thrown around wildly in his seat. “I can’t stop!”
“Shoot that yellow one!” John shouted back over the headset. “He’s right in front of you!”
CB0 willed himself to ignore his dizziness program and instead focus on the enemy ship and on his gun’s triggers.
He pressed the triggers and held them in. The bottom turret of the Buzzard sprayed red blaster bolts wildly in every direction.
CB0 tried to stop it, but he couldn’t. The gun began to point higher and higher until…
CRASH!
TCB0 shot all four barrels of the quad laser gun directly at the Bizarre Buzzard’s hull, sending a spray of yellow sparks.
“I did it,” proclaimed a dismayed TCB0, “I have shot the Buzzard.”
The blasted paneling of the ship glowed in an angry orange color.
“Quit messing around down there, CB0!” ordered John. “We only need a few more seconds!”
“Oh, what does this button do?” asked CB0, seeing a glowing yellow button. It looked like just the thing to help him hit the yellow enemy ship.
He pressed the button and blaster fire began to shoot out of the turret continuously, directly into the Bizarre Buzzard’s underbelly.
Hairy rumbled something over their headsets.
“Great, Hairy,” replied Solar. “Take us to FTL. Punch it!”
“Yes, Hairy!” cried TCB0, watching in horror as his blaster turret fired explosive plasma into the Buzzard’s hull, dissolving more and more of the ship's armor with every shot. “Punch it quick!”
CB0 felt himself pressed into his seat as the stars outside blurred. The Bizarre Buzzard shot off into FTL space, safe from it's attackers.
CB0 sighed in relief as the FTL safety kicked in and disabled the laser turrets. All was right with the world again.
That was, until a moment later when the droid heard John cry in outrage, “TCB0! What did you do to my ship!?”
Chapter 9
A New Dinner Guest
Neia, over the past hour, had done what she could to get the kitchen back into shape and, looking around, decided she'd done a pretty good job. She'd cleaned up most of the soot, fire extinguishing powder, and water off of the linoleum floor and counters and had aired out all of the rooms in the house. She'd then shut the windows and set up air fresheners. It wasn't bad, everything considered.
After Zader had ripped the sink out of the counter water had gone everywhere. They then found that they didn't have the right wrench to shut off the water so Neia had been forced to call a plumber. Zader was now standing over the pipe where the kitchen sink used to connect and holding back the water with the fizz.
Nuke and R1 were nowhere to be found, assumedly they were still working on cleaning up the house, but it didn't look to Neia like they had done much, or anything for that matter.
Just then the back kitchen door burst open and TCB0, Hairywonka, and John, frozen goose under his arm, walked into the house.
“Honey, I'm home,” announced John.
“Where have you been!” demanded Neia. “You should have been back hours ago!”
It was 3:30 and Emperor Eugene was expected to arrive at exactly 4:00. John had left in the early morning.
“That's because nobody told me it was Dark Side Friday,” said John. “Then we ran into some bounty hunters.”
Neia rolled her eyes. “You always run into bounty hunters, it’s your excuse for everything!”
“Yeah, well,” said John, “this time it really happened.” He sat down at the kitchen table, put down the goose, and stuck his feet up on the tabletop.
“Luckily,” John said arrogantly, “I escaped somehow. Anyway, I've got the goose.”
"Well, John,” said Neia, “go stick it in the freezer and get us some pizza.”
John almost fell back in his chair.
“What?” he said. “Do you know what I had to go through to get this thing?”
“Daddy broke the oven,” Neia recounted with false patience, Zader slumped sheepishly at the story, “it's 3:30, and the emperor's going to be here in half an hour. Now go get us some pizza.”
“Why can't he just fix the oven? I thought Zader was good with machines.” asked John mockingly.
“Not since the accident at the volcano...” Neia whispered.
“You know Neia,” said Zader, “I think I can fix this myself--” Zader stopped using his fizz pushing powers and water sprayed into his helmeted face.
“Uh-- no, I guess not,” said Zader. “My leg is short circuiting...” One of his legs kicked out at a strange angle, causing Zader to fall to the floor.
“We already called the plumber,” said Neia. “Now just hold that water down.”
“There's no way I'm stepping foot at Peperoni Hutt right now,” said John. “The bounty hunter I ran into was Odo Jett. He's probably flying around there now, waiting for me to show up.”
Neia looked ready to argue but...
Ding ding, rang the doorbell.
“Oh, good, that must be the plumber,” said Neia. “John, go answer it.”
“What if it's the emperor!” gasped Zader. “Do you think he could be early?”
“It's not the emperor,” Neia reassured. “He's a dark wizard, I'm sure he'll arrive precisely when he means to, at 4.”
John stepped out of the room. Neia heard the front door open.
“Don't worry,” John called from the other side of the house, “It's just Zando.
“Great,” said Neia under her breathe. “Just what we need.”
Zando, who had once administrated the mining city of Sky Town, had betrayed them all to Zader when Zader was still evil. Zando had later redeemed himself by helping to free John from Peperoni Hutt, where they'd been keeping him in a frozen state as a trophy, but Zando's personality stilled rubbed Neia the wrong way.
“Hey John, old buddy,” said Zando as they walked into the kitchen, “I brought a pizza. Whoa,” he said, noticing the missing sink and burned out oven. “Looks like you had a bit of trouble.”
“What are you doing here, Zando,” asked John, ignoring the comment.
“Don't you remember, John?” asked Zando, playing like he was hurt. “We're gonna catch the game on your big screen.”
“What's he doing here?” demanded Zader. “Get out!”
“Don't you dare let him leave,” ordered Neia. “We need that pizza!”
“But I don't like Zando!" complained Zader.
/> “Well I don't like him, either,” said John, “but he did bring the pizza.”
“Hey!” shouted Zando. “I'm right here!”
“Hey, don't worry about it,” said John, putting his arm around Zando. “Sit down. The emperor's going to be here any minute.”
“Oh, my!” exclaimed CB0, “I thought that was canceled!”
“Why would you think that?” asked Neia in exasperation. “Of course he's still coming!”
Neia took the box of pizza from Zando's hands and looked longingly at the oven.
“Hopefully this stays warm...”
Chapter 10
Emperor Eugene Comes to Dinner
“The Emperor is going to be here any minute!” exclaimed Zader as he flapped his hands and jumped around nervously. Water shot from the sink pipe since he wasn't holding it with his fizz powers anymore, Zader noticed and cared less.
“Oh, what am I going to do?” said Zader through Neia's complaints about the water. “Everything's going wrong. The house is a mess, Zando's here, we're having pizza, and Zando's here. This is a disaster!”
Ding dong, came the sound of the doorbell.
“That must be the plumber,” said Zader. “Idiot,” he ordered to John, using his favorite nickname for the oaf, “go answer it.”
“Great,” complained John as he left the room, “a plumber. Now I get to spend the next three hours looking at a man’s crack while he rips me off.”
Zader heard John open the door.
“Is that,” came a crackling ancient voice, “how you greet your... emperor?”
Zader gasped. He used the fizz to tie the sink pipes into a knot, which began to expand slowly like a balloon, and ran up to the house's front door.
Emperor Eugene was standing there, a man with grotesquely white, wrinkled skin, and sunken yellow eyes. He was wearing a plain black wizard robe. Behind him was a landed imperial shuttle and two columns of helmeted and crimson clad royal body guards. Even more impressively, hundreds of white armored shocktroopers lined the suburban street (neighbors eying them fearfully), newly produced fly fighters paraded in lines through the sky, and several grey triangular star battleships were distantly visible through the planet's atmosphere.
“Zader,” the emperor cracked, “I'm early. Mmwa, ha ha ha!” he laughed loudly and evilly. “Now bow to your former master. You know, the one you threw down the 30 mile shaft?”
“Oh, master!” Zader exclaimed as he went to one knee.
Several years ago Zader had brought Nuke to Emperor Eugene aboard the second Doom Sphere, their plan being to turn Nuke to the dark side of the fizz. Nuke had refused and Eugene had begun to electrocute him with Gith magic. Zader had, then, thrown the emperor down a shaft to the space station's reactor core to kill him. The emperor had survived, somehow, and was running the Cosmic Empire as though nothing had happened.
“You may rise now,” croaked Eugene, “my backstabbing apprentice.”
“Everyone," shouted Zader, “family line up!”
The family gathered and lined up quickly, as though they had practiced this several times.
Zader looked down the line to make sure everyone was in proper position. He went through a mental checklist, then noticed that Zando was in line in Nuke's spot.
“Hey, you're not Nuke!” said Zader.
“Nope,” said Zando.
Nuke wasn't in the line at all.
“You,” said Zader pointing to Zando, “back of the line,” then bellowed, “Nuke, get out here!”
"Uh... just a minute...” came Nuke's squeaking adolescent voice, “I'm not done yet...”
“Get out of my study,” Zader ordered. “The time for cleaning has passed.”
“That's my study!” corrected Neia. “You just put all of your stuff in there!”
“Didn't that use to be my den?” asked John.
“You'll be sorry...” Nuke warned.
“Nuke Dukem Landhopper,” shouted Zader, using Nuke's full name, “Get out here NOW!”
A moment passed before Nuke came shamefacedly into the living room and took his place in line.
“I see,” said the emperor, “that you have assembled the rebel leaders--” the emperor smacked his face in irritation. “I mean… your rebel family. Blast! I mean…” his face screwed up in concentration, “your family.”
“Yes,” said Zader, “this is my family.”
One of Eugene's bodyguards stepped up then and barked, imperiously, “Alright everyone, up against the wall and spread 'em!”
The bodyguards positioned everyone against the wall using varied levels of force then began to frisk them by hand and with wands.
“Hey,” said John indignantly, “poke that thing someplace else!”
A particularly rough guard was assaulting John's privacy with a metal detecting wand. Another guard, after checking out TCB0, came to assist and made to take John's blaster pistol.
“You’ll get this when you pry it from my cold, dead hands,” John warned, holding on tight to his weapon.
Nuke had also gotten into a shoving match with a guard over his laser sword.
“Boys,” said Neia diplomatically, “just give them what they want.” Nuke and John made to complain, but she continued. “We’re having a peaceful dinner. We won’t need weapons.”
“Alright,” said John, smacking his gun hard into a guard's chest, “but I’d better get this back.”
Zando handed over his blaster, and both Nuke and Zader gave the men their laser swords.
“I don't like this,” complained John.
“Don’t worry, John,” said a cocky Nuke, “my most powerful weapon is the fizz, and they can’t take that away.”
“Yes,” said the emperor, " and that's why I've brought these!”
A bodyguard approached holding two furry zebra striped vests.
“These,” said Eugene happily, “will block the fizz so you can’t use your powers at all. Not one bit.”
“I’m not going to wear that!” Nuke shouted. “It looks so stupid, and besides, I need the fizz.”
“Don’t worry, Nuke,” Zader consoled, “it’s just to keep everyone safe. Look, I’m putting mine on.” He slipped on the ridiculous vest over the apron he was wearing.
“Well why doesn’t he wear one then!” shouted Nuke, pointing at the emperor. “He’s got the fizz too!”
“Because I’m the guest,” said the evil wizard, sneering. “Besides they look completely ridiculous!” The emperor cackled in delight.
The emperor took out a camera and snapped a quick holophoto. “There,” he said, “nothing to worry about. I’ve already loaded it to my SpaceBook page. Now,” he continued, “let me see this family of rebel scum-- oops, did I say that out loud?” The emperor smiled, clearly intending to say the words out loud. “I mean... this family of rebel scum-- blame it!” This time he looked very angry at his actual accident. He raised up his hands and proclaimed “Fizz forget the last 30 seconds."
Zader's mind went blank at the magical command. Everyone but Eugene looked around with confusion.
Zader shook his head. “Well,” he said, “this is my family. I have them line up in order of value. The first is myself...” Zader took no time to explain this, his reasons were obvious. The family knew not to complain about this by now.
“Next is Neia,” Zader continued, “because she's my baby, and she's a princess, and she makes so much money."
"Welcome to my home," said Neia, pointing up her chin proudly.
"Yes,” said Eugene, rubbing his hands together, “one of the highest leaders of the Revolution. Perfect!”
"Next is Hairy,” continued Zader. “He's such a good wonka. He brings me my slippers at night, and he yells whenever someone comes to the door, and--"
“Get on with it!” yelled the emperor. “I don't care about your smelly pets! That animal needs to be put down.”
Hairy growled in protest at the idea of being murdered.
“Moving on--” said Zader,
“though I don't want to! I just want to stay with you Mr. Fluffy!”
Zader rubbed Hairy's belly quickly before moving on.
“Next is R1-21. He's an astro droid. And then there's Nuke, he's--”
“Yes, yes, yes!” laughed Eugene with excitement, steepling his fingers. “This is the young Meti who blew up my first Dome Sphere." He overenunciated these last words, as he did every time he said them.
“Nuh-uh,” said Nuke, “I blew up both of them.”
“Actually,” interjected Zando, “I blew up the second one.”
“Oh, don't worry, space pirate,” said the emperor darkly, “you'll be quite... compensated. And as for you, Meti, remember when we first met? I hope I wasn’t too… shocking for you!” A little bit of lightning arced across his ancient fingers.
“You’re a mean, mean old man!” Nuke shouted childishly.
Zader cleared his throat. “So, yeah, that's my son. He’s kind of a let down. These kids, you do what you can to raise them right, but sometimes you just can’t help how they turn out.”
“You cut off my hand!” Nuke shouted.
“Yes, yes, we’ve heard plenty about that,” said Zader dismissively. “And next is TCB0. He's useless, but he says I built him."
“Oh, yes master," said the droid, "you most certainly did. I’m like your robotic son.”
“I don’t remember that,” said Zader. “Then we have the idiot-- Hey! Wait a minute.” He exclaimed, noticing that John was next in line in order of value. “I've got to switch some things around.” He pulled Zando up one slot and put John at the back of the line.
“There,” said Zader proudly, “the idiot has to be at the end, where he belongs. This is the idiot's friend, Zando. We both have 'Z' names, and he wears a cool cape like me. And this...” he said, coming to the end. “This is the idiot. He's pirate scum. He shoots first, no matter what anyone says. And I think he sells drugs.”
“It's just spice,” said John with air quotes, “for legitimate business.
“Yes,” said the emperor, rubbing his hands together again, “more rebel leaders. So,” he said, turning to Zader, "this dinner had better be good. I haven't eaten all day! I didn't want to go anywhere, the traffic is horrible on Dark Side Friday!"
“Tell me about it,” John agreed.
“Why is he talking to me?!” demanded the emperor in horror.
“You! Idiot! Silent for the rest of the night,” Zader ordered.