“It was a boring conversation anyways...” John mumbled.
“I prefer awkward silence over irrelevant chit chat,” declared the emperor.
Neia took the lead then, and said, “While our droids make the final preparations for our meal, would you please join us in our living room for some refreshments?”
They all agreed and made their way to the living room.
Chapter 11
A Long, Uncomfortable Party
The family, plus Eugene, made their way over to the couches and chairs in the front room for refreshments, while guards took up positions around the house.
Zader noticed that Nuke seemed to have done no cleaning whatsoever, as bits of cereal, loose socks, dishes, and tissues littered the floor. Zader felt furious, though he forced the feeling down. He was, after all, trying to be on the light side of the fizz. But if Nuke didn't clean then what had he been doing all day? Best not to know, Zader decided, thinking no more about the matter.
Everyone took their seats, unfortunately Emperor Eugene and John accidentally sat down together in John's big comfy chair.
“Zader!” Eugene shrieked. “Now its touching me! Stop it, stop it!” shouted the emperor, smacking John with his wrinkled hands. “I don't like it! I'm gonna kill him!”
John held up his arm to block the emperor's impotent assault.
“You,” barked Zader, “over there, now!” John didn't move fast enough. Zader picked up John by the arm and put him on an antique chair, the type that most people have in their home and that nobody actually likes to sit on.
“But that's my chair!” complained John. “I won it in a game of gazaac!”
“Why did you win this?” said Eugene, wrinkling his nose in digust. “It's so lumpy and ugly.”
“If you don't like it then why don't we switch seats?” asked John through gritted teeth.
“No,” said the emperor, sneering, “I think I'll stay right here.”
"So, Lord Zader,” the emperor began with false pleasantness, “do you remember the time you lifted me into the air and hurled me down a 60 mile reactor core into outer space?”
“Uh... well…” Zader stammered. “I don't, uh..."
“Well don’t think that I'll ever forget,” declared Eugene.
“CB0,” Zader ordered, “drinks!”
“My father's very sorry about that,” said Neia. “He was just having an off day. Weren’t you daddy?”
“Uh, yes,” said Zader nervously. “An off day. I, um, short circuited. It was all a misunderstanding.”
“Since then he’s gotten a lot of work experience,” continued Neia. “Daddy tell him about that... management position you had.”
“No, no,” said Zader, feeling embarrassed. “I don’t want to talk about that.”
“Come on, tell him!” She turned to the emperor. “He took over SpaceBucks coffee shop and really turned it around. It wasn’t your fault that your management style was lethal,” she said to Zader. “But,” she began, turning to the emperor again, “that's just the kind of thing that you want in the galactic empire.” She said this brightly, if a bit biting.
Eugene looked disdainful.
“I have come with beverages!” TCBO announced, waddling into the living room holding a serving tray with a dozen drink filled glasses.
“About time!” bellowed Emperor Eugene, “I couldn't stand being sober with these people for one more minute. I need alcohol!”
Eugene picked up one of the offered drinks and poured it into his mouth.
His face changed from an angry sneer to furious revulsion.
He spat the drink out onto the living room floor in an obnoxious spray that got on everyone.
“What the frak is this?!” the emperor demanded.
“Hot apple juice,” CB0 said proudly.
The emperor pulled his arm back then shattered the glass against the droids unflinching metal face.
Neia gasped.
“Oh my,” said CB0, “this is quite messy!”
"Get out, droid,” roared Zader, “you're making him angry!”
The family waited in nervous silence while Eugene rubbed his hands off, onto his robes.
“Zader,” Eugene finally said, “why is this house so small? The ceilings are so low! And why aren't the walls made out of polished metal?”
“I like to think of it as homey,” Neia answered politely, inflecting the last word brightly.
“Well, I like to think of it as crappy,” mocked the emperor, inflecting the last word just like Neia had.
“This might be a good time to move to the dining room,” said Neia, her voice steady.
She turned her head to call toward the kitchen, “I’m sure dinner will be ready soon, right CB0?”
“Oh, heavens no!” came the droid's shocked answer.
Chapter 12
Dinner, with a Side of Betrayal
Despite TCB0's lengthy time estimate for dinner the family and their guests moved to the dining room and seated themselves around the large table, Zader leading the way.
Zader was shocked at how bad this dinner was going, and he shuddered to think of how much worse it was going to get. Shame filled his heart at the thought.
Emperor Eugene seated himself at the head of the table, with Zader at his right and Neia at his left. John sat next to Neia, and Zando sat by him on the farthest side of the table. On the other side of the table Nuke sat next to Zader, with Hairywonka next to Nuke and across from Zando.
“So, you're the emperor...” said Zando, making conversation.
“Uh-huh,” said Eugene like he was talking to an idiot.
“You know I'm an administrator myself,” said Zando smugly. “I used to run a city. I can relate a bit."
“Oh, really?” jeered the emperor. “A whole city? You really do understand me and my problems!"
“Yeah, I do. And I’ll bet you know a good investment opportunity when you see one.”
“Zando…” said John warningly.
“Don’t worry,” Zando whispered under his hand, “I know what I’m doing.
“I’ve been dabbling in trade lately,” said Zando louder, “And I’ve got an opportunity where you can double, no, triple your investment. All I need to start is a shipping fleet and a few signed trade treaties, and we can get this thing going.”
"Oh,” said the Emperor, leaning forward menacingly, “I don’t think you’ll need to worry about that for a much longer.”
Zando went quiet and looked disconcerted.
“Now,” Emperor Eugene began to say to Neia with a sarcastic pleasantness, “looking at this home I can see that you’re poor. Seems there’s not a lot of money in rebelling.”
"Actually, no, we’re not poor,” said Neia, clenching her jaw, “I am actually quite wealthy. We just like the neighborhood. They have great schools, and its very safe. It's really quite nice."
"Was nice," said John.
“You're not poor, eh?” said the emperor. “Tell me, how many galaxies do you own?”
“None,” Neia answered flatly.
“Do you know how many I own?” asked the emperor. “Hmm? Countless."
“That's impossible,” bellowed Nuke, “you just have one.”
“It is too possible,” argued Eugene. “I sent out scout ships to every galaxy and now I own all of them!”
Zader shook his head when Eugene wasn't looking to show the others that this wasn't true.
“There's no scout ship that can cross the technobabble barrier!” Nuke answered.
“They can so,” responded the emperor. “I designed them personally!”
"You did not,” said Nuke, his cheeks reddening. “You're lying!"
“You're stupid!” replied Eugene.
“You're old!”
“That's it!” shouted the emperor, rising from his chair. “I'll zap some respect into you, you insolent child.”
“Ah!” Nuke squeeled. “Help me father!”
“Now, now,” soothed Zader, “se
ttle down, my master.”
“Well he started it!” cried Eugene.
“Well he's a liar,” appealed Nuke.
"Zader!” raged the emperor. “Why don't you ever let me zap him? You remember the last time I zapped him? You threw me down a radioactive reactor core shaft into the freezing cold of outer space. Us elderly people have thin skin, and I was wearing my summer robes! I was agonized by the cold. I wish I had died!"
"He's not the only one," mumbled John.
Zando and Hairy laughed uproariously.
“Oh, don't say that master!” pleaded Zader. The emperor ignored him. Seeing John and the others laughing, he reached up one of his hands and sent a little arc of blue electricity across the room.
It hit John and he spasmed her a second.
“Hey!” exclaimed John, his hair standing on end.
“Now who's laughing?” asked the Emperor smugly.
“Why'd you do that?!” demanded Neia.
“Well why not,” sneered the emperor.
“Droids!” Neia called, “Get that food in here now, this evening's going bad fast!”
TCB0 came in moments later holding a tray of pizza, R1-21 followed with a tray of (non apple juice) drinks on his head.
CB0 put a single slice on the emperor's plate, who poked at it with his finger.
“What the spell?! Cold pizza?!” the emperor demanded. “Cold pizza. You have the supreme ruler of the galaxy over for dinner and you serve him cold pizza?”
Zader looked at his feet.
“Luckily for you I like cold pizza,” said Eugene, leaning back in his seat.
"Really," asked Zader, looking up hopefully.
"Of course not!” Eugene shouted in reply. “Who the frak eats cold pizza?! Pizza's supposed to be hot!”
“You heard the man, warm up his pizza!” Zader commanded.
“I'll go heat it up right away,” said TCB0, but before he could pick up the slice R1-21 rolled up to the table, took out his blow torch and began to spray the pizza slice with intense multicolored flame.
Sparks quickly spread from the plate and showered the table.
“Aaahh!” The emperor screamed. “I'm on fire!”
Zader saw, to his extreme shock and horror, that the supreme emperor of the galaxy, his former Gith master, did indeed have a growing fire in his lap.
“Put me out!” Eugene squealed. “Put me out! Us old people are like tinderboxes, one spark and poof… no more me!”
“Quick,” squealed Zader, “put him out!”
R1 put away his blowtorch tool and pulled out his fire extinguiser. Using it for the second time that day he sprayed the emperor down with white powdery chemicals.
For a full minute nobody said a word.
“That's it,” the emperor finally said with quiet menace, “I'm going to kill all of you.”
“But master,” Zader complained, “I haven't had a chance to show you the special gift I made for you.”
“I don't think you want to do that,” Nuke warned.
“Of course I do,” said Zader confidently. “Why wouldn't I? It’s just the thing to help the emperor Eugene forget what a horrible disaster this evening has been.”
“Somehow I don't think that's going to happen,” Nuke said.
“Nonsense, son, now help me bring it in.”
Zader and Nuke left, then came back moments later with the red-veiled statue that Zader had commissioned. Zader couldn't have felt more excited.
“Master,” said Zader, beginning his practiced speech, “we met each other long time ago, in a place that is far away from here, and I felt that now was--”
“Oh just get on with it!” interrupted the emperor.
“Oh,” said Zader sadly. “Very well.”
With a fantastic flourish Zader unveiled the priceless statue.
“What the spell is that?” demanded the emperor.
“It’s you,” answered Zader proudly, not looking at the statue.
“It’s hideous!” shouted the emperor in rage.
Nuke's eyes were wide and afraid. John, Zando, and Hairy busted up in laughter. Some of the body guards stifled chuckles. Neia’s head was in her hand, a disappointed and resigned smile on her face.
Zader turned around slowly to look at the statue.
His prized masterpiece, a statue that cost an actual fortune, made out of priceless material and presented to the singular most powerful man in the galaxy, looked mostly like the emperor, but it's head was loosely held on by pink chewing gum, had a carrot for a nose, a white furry arm that looked like it hand been cut off of a yeti, and, for some reason Zader couldn't guess, was wearing orange swim trunks.
Zader moaned slowly. He felt humiliated, angry, and afraid.
“That’s not what I bought master,” he tried to explain, “you have to believe me!
“Nuke!” he shouted to his son. “What did you do?!”
“Well...” he began slowly, “I cut off the head, and we glued it on backwards. Then one thing led to another, and things just got outta hand…”
“Lord Zader,” roared the emperor in rage, still covered with white powder, his robe singed, “this is, by far, the worst evening I've ever had, and that includes the time you threw me down a 200 mile radioactive reactor shaft and I was ejected into the cold lonely abyss of outer space, where I had to watch my death star blow up in my face and shower me with shrapel! I ought to electrocute you into oblivion right now!”
His face cleared darkly before he continued. “But, as per our deal, I'll be taking the prisoners with me now, and your position in the empire is restored.”
This was the moment Zader had been dreading.
“What?!” screamed Neia, as shocktroopers entered the dining room.
“How could you?!” cried Nuke.
“You lying sack of--” began John.
“Oh my,” shouted CB0, “even I saw this coming!”
“Bee boo bee,” R1 agreed.
Hairy growled sadly at Zader.
“Yes, that’s right,” said the emperor delightfully, “your father sold you to me for my favor. He is as tricky as he is evil, truly my servant. Only a Gith could sell his own family.” The family all looked at Zader with faces of betrayal. “Now, guards, take them away.”
Zader had never felt more ashamed in his life.
“Not me,” exclaimed Zando, “I’m not part of this!”
“Oh yes,” said Eugene disdainfully, “you especially. I’m afraid this is the end of your investment opportunity.”
“Daddy you can’t do this!” demanded Neia. “This wasn’t part of the dinner at all!”
"I am altering the dinner,” Zader said darkly, looking toward Eugene, “pray I don't alter it any further.” Under his breathe he urgently added to Neia, “Don't worry, I'll get you out. It was the only way to get my job back.”
And it was, so far as Zader had seen when he made the deal. A family dinner had seemed the perfect way to gather everyone in one place, while also allowing the empire to surround and disarm everyone without a fight. The emperor had refused any offer short of these Revolution leaders.
“I can't believe I stuck up for you,” Neia said, looking absolutely disappointed.
“Don't make me destroy you,” Zader threatened boldy. Zader looked again at Eugene for approval, who grinned his yellow and black teeth. Zader turned to Neia and whispered, “I'm sorry.”
“You’re going to pay for this, Zader,” John said.
With no small amount of struggle, including Hairy ripping out some arms, the guards subdued the prisoners and took them away, droids and all.
All that was left was Zader and his newly reconciled master.
“Zader,” the emperor said darkly, “this dinner was really, really bad. I was this close,” he showed his fingers just a hair's width apart, “to killing you. Maybe I still will. Well,” he said brightly, rising from his seat and walking toward the living room door. “See you on Monday!”
The door slammed and Z
ader was left alone.
Chapter 13
Zader Alone
Zader walked around the big empty house for a while. He went up to the family's rooms. Neia's papers, Nuke's video games, the idiot's garbage. The droids' wires and oils.
Hairy's chew toys. Zader picked one of them up sadly and threw it across the room, half hoping and expecting to see the man/dog/bear run across the house to retrieve it.
I really am going to spring them out, Zader thought to himself, but the thought felt hollow.
Zader walked into the dining room. The pizza still sat out, cold, and the chairs were flipped over from the momentary fight.
Zader left this, went into the kitchen, and opened the fridge.
Nothing looked good. He shut the door.
“I’m lonely,” Zader realized sadly.
Behind him the pipes he had knotted together finally burst. Water exploded out, drenching the room.
“Oh...” he groaned, “now I’m lonely and wet.”
Zader made a decision then. He was going to get his family out, even John Solar if he absolutely had to, and he would do it soon. He just needed to figure out how...
THE END
Afterword
This is the end of Family Wars: The Forced Dinner. Will Skyhopper, Solar, the Princess, and the others escape? Will the Emperor Eugene invest in Zando’s company? Will Zader show up for work on Monday? Is this part of a multipart series? (Of course it is!)
Follow us on Twitter and Facebook, and visit our website to find when the next riveting installment of this story is released, and the answers to these questions revealed!
“Funny Stories for Kids”
Did you know that “Family Wars” is not the only series written by the famed Dweezel and Pallie? The “Funny Stories for Kids” series is designed to make fairy tales less crappy. We take the best classic stories and make them more exciting and far more hilarious.
“Lily White and the Horrible Dwarves”
"[A] funny and clever little book... I like this version even better than the original story."
Chytach18, Reviewer for OnlineBookClub.org
What would the story of "Snow White" be like if the princess was an idiot, the evil queen was completely incompetent, and the dwarves, instead of being happy and silly, were instead super gross and mean? The answer: "Lily White and the Horrible Dwarves," a comedy short story that is so awesome you'll have to read it to believe it!