Here's how the story begins:
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the palest woman of them all?” asked a woman with a slender face and high cheekbones. She was fair skinned, with black hair, a dark dress, and a silver crown.
“Why, Your Majesty,” answered the mirror’s ghostly face in a spooky voice, “That would have to be the fair maiden… Lily White!”
“Lily White?” asked the Queen, sneering. “Who is this? Show me now, I command you!”
Green smoke swirled in the mirror, then vanished as a picturesque village came into view. The image zoomed into the village market, with a bustling crowd moving about amidst the red glowing lanterns of the shops. In the crowd, with skin that was so white it was almost like snow (you get it?), a plain looking girl with a rather stupid grin on her face pranced from shop to shop, peering in as though looking for something in a particular.
“That is the whitest girl I’ve ever seen…” said the Queen, trailing off. “That little fetcher! I find this most disturbing. Doesn’t she know that the palest girl or woman in the land is made the Queen? How dare she?!” She picked up the magic mirror from off of its stand.
“What are you doing?” asked the magic mirror, its voice trembling.
“This!” said the Queen, and smashed the mirror to the floor.
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“The Big Fat Mermaid”
She's nasty, she's gross, and she's anything but little. All Aria the mermaid princess wants is to stuff her face full of food, but what happens when her dad, the king, tries to stop her? The answer: laughs beyond belief! Watch as Aria deals with her mean dad, a chubby-chasing prince, a harpoon wielding sea captain, and, in a grand final battle, the monstrous water witch herself.
Aria will bite, belch, and fart her way into your heart in this second installment of the Funny Stories for Kids series, brought to you by the famed Dweezel and Pallie.
An excerpt:
Look at my stash, see all the treats?
See all the cupcakes and pickled pigs feet?
You can see I'm a mermaid
who wants to eat... everything!
I eat every second I'm waking
I'm so fat that I'm breaking the floor
Double chins?
I got twenty!
But so what?
I don't care!
I want more!
I need to eat what the humans eat
I'd like to eat when the food is still dry
I want to eat some fresh...
Uggh... beef!
Down in the brine the food tastes so bad,
when all you're allowed is some seaweed to live by,
None of that stuff that's so salty and...
mmm mmm mmm... Sweet!
What do I care
if all the laws
say we have to stay hidden?
And what do I care
if eating of meat
is strictly forbidden?
I'm addicted to food
but it tastes so good
so I don't give a single crumb about rules;
want more yummies, dipped in honey,
no one to intrude.
Off by the ships
I get just get what drips
off of the sides, or they throw in barrels.
No primo stuff like
fresh dip and…
uggh...* chips!
I want to munch,
I want to brunch,
I want to eat the thing they call lunch!
Sweets and the meats...
I need to eat
all of that food...
To read the rest of this awesome story visit https://www.dweezelandpallie.com/ebooks/mermaid for download links.
Thanks again for reading our story.
Read and laugh on, true believers!
Table of Contents
Title
Introduction
Opening Crawl
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Afterword
Table of Contents
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