CHAPTER XIII.
_A Daisy Cutter, with his Varieties._
In the month of July, 1780, Doctor Geoffery Gambado was visited, fromBirmingham, by the celebrated cutler, Mr. John Green, a gentleman whohad become uncommonly dyspeptic from a great excrescence, wart, or wen,that grew out of his right temple, almost covering his ear. It gave himno particular pain, except when he chanced to recline upon that part ofhis head; yet, as every body looked at it, who came into his shop, andwhen he appeared at church, or in any public place, he grew uncommonlyirritable and nervous. The faculty pronounced it too large to be cutout; and, if the truth be told, Mr. Green himself had such a horror ofcutting, that, though a dealer in cutlery and in the very first steelarticles, he had an unconquerable distaste to the knife being used uponhis own person.
Like many other good kind of men, he dealt in articles that othersmight use; but he himself had no wish to use them. Those who use thesinews of men, that is, of other men, for their own speculativepurposes, and actually abhor the use of the very things they sell,should be careful of the exciting, inciting, or foolish words theyutter, lest their language should superinduce others to use thosearticles in which their traffic is, to their own destruction. Mr.Burton, the great Quaker, was a dealer in Burton ale to a great extent,though he was himself a rigidly abstemious man; yet, as his trade was agood one, and paid well both in the north and south, he could afford togive considerable sums to temperance, or even total abstinencesocieties, without feeling any loss in his trade. The fact is, until thebright men of traffic shall find out that the ruling principle of theirsouls is coveteousness, they will never reform the world by a spuriousprofusion of words and calculations, which have only that one principleto appeal to as their own support.
Mr. Green dealt in swords, and knives and forks, in guns and pistols, inlancets and razors; but he would not suffer the lancet or the knife totouch his own flesh. He was a dealer in weapons, not in blows. A man ofpeace, yet, like many a man styling himself a friend to humanity, andassuming apostolic liberty, he could find fault with every thing andevery body; yet, for trade's sake, he had no objection to the demandfor swords, guns, or pistols. He could supply the government with anyquantity from his stores in Birmingham.
It must be confessed, that his nervous affection, and melancholydisposition arose more from the wart upon his brow, and all its externalirritations, than from any qualms of conscience, arising from any kindof self examination, self accusation, or self condemnation. Few men'sconsciences so trouble them in the day of their prosperity.
He was recommended to consult the great nervous Doctor of the age,Doctor Gambado. So he went to town, had an interview with the Doctor,described all his agitating ails, and received this advice:
"Ride on horseback."
"But do you think that will do me any good?"
"I am quite sure it will do you some good,--to what extent it isimpossible to say,--that must depend upon your patience andperseverance. One thing you can always do, namely, wear a hat that willcover the appearance of the excrescence, and I should not be surprisedat its being the means of reducing its size considerably."
Little did the Doctor himself imagine how a cure, by his advice, wascompletely effected.
"Oh, Doctor!" exclaimed Mr. Green, "what would I not give could it beentirely eradicated by such gentle means as horseback exercise. I am nogreat rider, but I would ride any distance, and almost any horse, to getrid of this awkward protuberance."
"Well, my dear sir, we will try. Nothing like trying."
"I have heard, Doctor, that you have large stables, and keep horses ofall kinds."
The Doctor could not help smiling when he thought of his own fame, as ahorse keeper, horse doctor, and horse furnisher.
"I have large stables at the back of my house, and I have three horsesof my own; but I never kept one for sale, or sold one myself. I let offmy stables to a livery-keeper, who has ten or a dozen horses here,namely to Mr. John Tattsall, who has the credit of being able to suiteveryone, only each must pay well to be suited."
"I should not mind what I had to pay, if I could be suited to my mind."
"Let us go and give him a look. If you can at all describe to him thesort of horse you want, I think he will soon be able to accommodate you.You may be sure, if the horse can be had, he will get it for you, if itis not at this time in his stable."
The Doctor's fee was cheerfully paid, L10 10s. neatly wrapt up in tissuepaper. He had been told nothing less could be expected from a mastercutler.
Mr. Green put on his large slouchy broad-brimmed hat that covered halfhis face; and the Doctor and his patient were soon in the presence ofthe great Mr. Tattsall.
"John, this gentleman wants a horse."
"Glad of it, sir. Pray what sort of horse do you want, sir?"
"A good one."
"Every body wants that, and I have a great many good 'uns;' but I liketo know the sort of good 'un that a gentleman requires. One man likes abay, another a gray, another a roan, another a chestnut; but the colouris not always the description. One likes a high action, another a gentlegoer, another a thunderer, another a prime bang up; one likes athorough-bred, another a hunter; some require cobs, others carriagehorses, others ladies' horses, others park horses; but if you candescribe the sort of animal you want, I can soon tell you if I can suityou."
"I did once see a horse," said Mr. Green, evidently calling up to hisrecollection days long gone by; "I did once see a horse that made me sayto myself, 'There! if ever I ride on horseback, I should like to getjust such a horse as that.' It was gentleness and elegance personified.It was a beautiful creature. It turned out its toes, just lifted onefoot above the other, with a kind of quick cross action, and then setit down with such elegance and ease, that it seemed to trip along overthe ground, exactly like a dancing master. Proud was its bearing, headup, and tail high," and Mr. Green most poetically described it in thesewords:
"It brushed the morning dew, And o'er the carpet flew, With all becoming grace. So gentle, and so nobly bred, Give it alone its upshot head, 'Twould go at any pace."
"Sir, I perceive you are a poet."
"Not a bit of it. I only cut them out of the Poet's Corner, in the Star,and I think the author's name was 'Anon;' but it mattered not as to whowas the author, it described the very horse; and I thought then, and Ithink so still, that by a very short transposition it would suit mywife, and perhaps many others. What think you, sir?"
"She brushed the evening dew, And o'er the carpet flew, With all becoming grace. So gentle, and so nobly bred, Give her alone her upshot head, She'd go at any pace."
The Doctor and the dealer could not help laughing.
"I perceive, sir, you are a wag; if you are not a poet. I congratulateyou upon having so charming a creature for your wife; and I only wish Imay be able to suit you with as good a horse."
"Have you a horse of this description?"
"I have a mare exactly of that kind, and we call her the Daisy Cutter."
"Pray, let me see her."
"Shall I ride her, to show you her qualities?"
"If you please."
"Bring out the Daisy Cutter."
She was brought forth, and John soon set her off to advantage.
"Just the very thing! Just the very thing! Will you send her down toBirmingham? I am not exactly in riding trim, or I would ride her downmyself."
The animal was paid for, sent home, and proved to be the very creaturesuited to Mr. Green's case.
He rode his celebrated Rosenante every evening, and greatly improved inbodily health. He actually became cheerful, and his wife blessed thegood Doctor Gambado for having restored her husband to himself again.
Alas! for human infirmities, or for human vagaries! One of the mostwonderful complaints of nervous hypochondriacism, was actually cured,together with
its cause, by a momentary spree.
One beautiful evening, the little man was riding in the gaiety of hisheart toward Aston Hall, visions of future greatness passing before hiseyes, when, just upon the greensward in front of the park gates, therelay in his way a great black hog, on the very edge of the road. Hethought within himself, that he should like to take a leap smack overthe animal's back; and just looking round to see that no eye shouldbehold his spree, he gave his "Rosenante" an unwonted kick with hisheels.
She was certainly surprised at her master's unwonted action, and in thespurt of the moment, cocked her tail, lifted her head, and quickened herpace;--but whether she did not see the hog, or could not leap over it ifshe did, she ran directly over the animal, and fell over it, awaking itin a horrible fright to scamper grunting away;--but, alas! she pitchedher own head, and her master's head also, without his hat, upon the hardroad. They both went the whole hog. Mr. Green lay senseless on the road,in a pool of blood, arising from the severity of the blow, which toreaway the whole scalp of the forehead, together with the entire wart orexcrescence which grew thereupon. His Rosenante affrighted, returned toBirmingham,--was soon recognized,--and Mr. Green was soon carriedinsensible to the hospital. He remained there some days, recoveringhimself and his senses.
Thus the Daisy Cutter and his vagaries became a proverb in Birmingham.And that which skill could not, or rather through nervous apprehensionwas not, permitted to try, a black hog, one of the most unlikely thingsin the world, was instrumental in effecting.
When spirits mount in cheerful glee, Beware of leaping for a spree; For sprees create a fall: And when you leap alone in-cog, Beware of going the whole hog; Better not go at all. Yet sometimes good from ill may spring,-- One spree may prove satiety: If Daisy Cutters wisdom bring, Rejoice in the variety.