CHAPTER XIV.
_A Horse with a Nose._
DID any one ever see a horse without a nose? It cannot, therefore, bemeant, at the heading of this chapter, to draw any distinction between ahorse with a nose, and a horse without one. We say of a dog, he has gota good nose; that is, if, as hound, pointer, or retriever, he can scentor find his game _well_. A man we have seen without a nose, and a verypainful sight it is to see any feature of the human face in any waydistorted; but that such a man can "smell a rat," denotes not that hehas a peculiar quality of scent, but that he is a cunning fellow, andcan look a little deeper into the artifices of men and their motivesthan others are aware of. Some men have indeed the smoothest faces, andthe simplest manners, and yet retain the utmost cunning, or, if men likeit better, wisdom in the world. They can smell a rat,--they can discovera flaw in the indictment,--they can see how an adversary may beoverthrown, and can quietly stir up strife and pick the pocket of friendor foe, without of course doing any thing wrong; defrauding any one, orin any way letting the sufferer himself suppose that he is the victim ortool, or goose to be plucked by the cunning craft and subtlety of thedeceiver.
If men will ruin themselves, whose fault is it? but, if they do so,there are plenty to rise upon their ruin, and to laugh at their folly.Conscience, they say, makes cowards of all men; but that conscience mustbe founded, not upon any man's judgement, but their own. There never wasany man who did no wrong that could be afflicted by his own conscience;but there never was a man, who by his own unaided judgment, ever didright so perfectly, that his conscience could entirely acquit him ofevery base and sordid motive. Many may be very highly honourable andupright men, and yet have a great many rogues to deal with, and scarcelyknow how to deal with them. The best way is to say nothing, but avoidthem.
Doctor Gambado had a patient come to him of this kind, and he was alawyer who stood _very, very_ high in his station one hundred years ago.
He was provokingly ill,--ill in his body,--ill in his mind,--ill at easewith himself,--and dreadfully afflicted with such disturbed thoughts atnight, that his sleep went from him, and his conscience had no rest.
It is very provoking to have a troublesome conscience; but it is moreprovoking still, not to be able to quiet that conscience by any commonor uncommon means. Simon Deuce, Esq. who actually attained the eminenceof high authority, not in the court of Conscience, or in the court ofEquity, but in Chancery, had retired from business and left hisson-in-law, Sir Charles Dubious, his house in Billiter-square. Hehimself took a mansion on Blackheath, and there he sought in vain forthat enjoyment of rest and contentment, which good men only inherit intheir latter end.
Physic was in vain,--advice, such as most men give, produced nocessation of anxiety. He became moody, sullen, morose, irritable,dogmatic, and all but absolutely irrational. His faculties werepiercingly sound, his memory most acute, his legal knowledge clear, andhis discovery of transgressions of law were every day displayed beforehis eyes, from those who rode in a coronetted barouche, to those whorode in a donkey cart. He loved, actually loved to make complaints, andto see the law carried out; and in petty acts of tyranny he was soabsolute a persecutor, that he was a terror to all who lived around him.
Generosity was never in his nature, neither did he ever pretend to teachit, or observe its laws. In fact, every one was considered by him as aweak fool, who did either a kind or generous act, beyond the positiveobligation of the law.
What happiness could such a man have in his retirement? His greathappiness was the accumulation of money in the funds, and theseoccasioned him a momentary excitement. His friend, Samuel Ryecross, ofRyecross-house, Blackheath, advised him to consult Doctor Gambado.
"Do you mean Gambado, the horse dealer?"
"He is not a horse dealer."
"I say he is a horse dealer, and ought to take out a licence for horsedealing. He does not do so, and I have half a mind to have him up, andbring him into court for cheating, defrauding, and robbing thegovernment."
"I think you must have been misinformed. I believe he is really a veryclever, honest man, and gives good sound practical advice to all hispatients."
"Yes, so I have heard; and all of it is 'Ride on horseback.' If I wentto consult him, I should only get that advice. I know it before hand,and have no inclination to throw away a guinea for it."
"But is it bad advice in your case? would it not do you good to try it?Why, if you know his remedy, do you not pursue it?"
"Because I do not think it would do me any good."
"Well, you have tried a great many doctors. Let me drive you in myphaeton to Bread-street, and let us hear what the Doctor says."
"Will you pay the Doctor?"
"Yes, if you will follow his advice."
"Done, we will go."
They did go.
The Doctor knew the man he had to deal with, and yet he had confidencein the horseback exercise as the best cure for him, and he told him so.
"Have you got a horse that would suit me?"
"There is a fine strong horse in my stables, that I think would suityou."
"May we go and look at him?"
"I will go with you."
Samuel Ryecross was rather surprised; but Simon Deuce gave him a look,as much as to say, '_I told you he was a horse dealer_.'
When they went to the stables, John Tattsall was there himself, and notbeing known to either of the gentlemen, they both supposed him to be thegroom in the employ of Doctor Gambado.
"John, I have brought a customer to look at the great brown horse. Is heat home?"
"He is, sir; I will lead him out."
He led him out,--rode him,--and Mr. Deuce asked the Doctor what hisprice was. The Doctor said, "John, what did you say the horse wasworth?"
"Ninety guineas, sir, and not a farthing less. I would not let thegentleman have him for one guinea less."
"Will you order him to be sent to my house on Blackheath?"
"Shall I ride him there now, and bring back your cheque?" said JohnTattsall.
"You may, if you please, my man."
John bowed, and after ascertaining the name of the abode, Billiterhouse, Blackheath, he rode off.
"In what name, Doctor, shall I write the cheque?" for, presuming thatthe Doctor was not professionally a horse dealer, though he consideredthat he had bought the horse of him, he had a mind to see if he shrunkat all from the responsibility.
The Doctor replied, "In the name of the very man who delivers him, JohnTattsall; and I hope the horse will suit you, sir, and do you good."
"There," said Mr. Deuce to his friend Ryecross, "what say you now to theDoctor dealer? hey! Is not my deal with him this day sufficient toconvict him before any bench of Magistrates in all the counties ofEngland. If I do not take the shine out of this Doctor Gambado, then saythat Simon Deuce knows nothing of the law."
When they got home, the horse had arrived.
The cheque was written:
"Pay John Tattsall," &c. &c.
John touched his hat, walked off with his money, took a cab toLombard-street, got the cheque cashed; and called and thanked the Doctorfor his recommendation.
The very next day, the Doctor received a summons to answer the charge ofbeing a horse dealer without a licence for that purpose. The suit waspreferred in the name of Deuce _v._ Gambado.
Of course, all these things are put into regular process of law, withwhich we shall not entertain the public. In due time, the case came onin the proper court, and Mr. Deuce swore that he bought such a horse ofDoctor Gambado, and that the Doctor's servant, John Tattsall, deliveredthe horse at Billiter-house, Blackheath. Samuel Ryecross was witness tothe transaction. The cheque was produced in court, and Mr. Deuce waslauded very highly for his sense of justice in not allowing thegovernment to be defrauded, and more in not allowing that highlyrespectable profession of M.D. F.R.S. to be a covering to the tricks anddegradation of a horse dealer without a licence.
Never, however, was Deuce more confounded i
n all his life, than by thecross examination of Serjeant Sharp.
"Pray, sir, may I ask--Did you go to consult Doctor Gambado for anycomplaint?"
"I went purposely, by the advice of my friend, Samuel Ryecross."
"For what purpose, Mr. Deuce?"
"To consult him."
"Were you ill at that time?"
"Decidedly not well."
"May I ask the nature of the complaint for which you consulted soeminent a physician as Doctor Gambado?"
Mr. Deuce hesitated.
"I have no desire to know more of the complaint than you may think rightto tell us; but all who have heard of Doctor Gambado's patients, knowwell that they are mostly afflicted with nervous depression. May I askif such was your case?"
"Yes, it was."
"You were deranged, sir; were you not?"
Mr. Deuce, with great vehemence, "No more deranged, sir, than you are."
"Do not be angry, sir, when I used the term _deranged_. I meant thatyour system was a little deranged, disorganized, or so out of sorts, asto produce a kind of physical disarrangement of the organs leading tothe brain, so as to create unpleasant sensations, dyspeptic habits,sleepless nights, and a little of that irritability which we have justseen, so as to render you a little impulsive, and not unlikely to bemistaken."
Deuce did not like this at all, but he could not help saying
"It might be so."
"Oh! It might be so! Now, Mr. Deuce, I must put rather a strong questionto you:
"Did you ever accuse Doctor Gambado of being a horse dealer?"
"Not that I am aware of."
"Not that you are aware of! Now, sir, I must get you to tax your memory,and I ask you plainly, did you not go on purpose to trap Doctor Gambadointo the selling you a horse, that you might bring him into a court ofjustice?"
Mr. Deuce paused. He did not reply. He seemed nervous.
"Pray, sir, take your time. You are a member of the law, you know thelaw, and the usages of a court of justice; and I am sure you will giveus a plain, straightforward answer."
"I did not go exactly with that intention. My friend, Mr. Ryecross,persuaded me to consult him about myself."
"Now, sir, I shall cross-examine your friend, Mr. Ryecross. Did you ordid you not, at the very time that you went to consult this eminentphysician, say to your friend, that he, meaning Doctor Gambado, was ahorse dealer, and not a physician?"
"I might have so said."
"Pray, sir, do you understand the law of libel? I shall stronglyrecommend my client, let the result of this action be what it may, tobring an action against you, sir, for one of the grossest acts oflibellous intention this court has ever heard of; and, if I mistake notthe judgement this day will decide, whether a gentleman like yourself isto utter a libel of a ruinous tendency to so high a professional man,with impunity.
"Then you did say he was a horse dealer?"
"Yes, I did."
"Pray, sir, had you any previous acquaintance with Doctor Gambado?"
"None whatever."
"Then, I presume you acted in this manner entirely upon hearsayevidence?"
"I certainly did."
"You had no quarrel with Doctor Gambado?"
"None whatever."
"Was it a sense of justice to your country, that entirely induced you totry and _smell a rat_ in this gentleman's character?"
"It was."
"And on that account you laid this information against him?"
"I did."
"It was not from any morbid indulgence of any splenetic humour withwhich you were at that time afflicted, that induced you to bring thisaction?"
"Oh, dear, no!"
"I may say then, sir, you considered it entirely pro bono publico?"
"Quite so."
"You have told the court, sir, that you purchased the horse of DoctorGambado?"
"I did so certainly."
"You are sure he sold it to you?"
"I am quite sure."
"Pray, sir, did you ask him, if the horse was his that you bought?"
"I asked him if he had any horse that would suit me."
"What was his reply?"
"To the best of my knowledge, it was that he had one in his stables thatwould suit me."
"Now, sir, did he say, that _he had a horse_ in his stables that wouldsuit you?"
"I understood him so."
"Pray, Mr. Deuce, be sure; because I should be sorry to convict you of awilful and direct falsehood. I pray you to be sure. Did he say _he had ahorse that would suit you_? or did he say, _there was a horse in hisstables that would suit you_?"
"It never struck me before,--he might certainly say, _there was ahorse_; but I took him to mean, that _he had one_ that he could sellme."
"Come, sir, I am very glad to find that you have a disposition tocorrect the evidence you have given for the prosecution. You havesufficient legal acumen to distinguish between a man saying, _there issuch a horse_, and _I have such a horse_; the latter sentence would goto identify the ownership of the horse, or a declaration to thateffect."
"He might then say, _there was a horse in his stable_?"
"Well, I think he did say so."
"And you did not ask whether the horse was his or not?"
"I did not."
Let Mr. Samuel Ryecross be called.
"You are the friend of the last witness,--are you not?"
"I am."
"You have known him for some years?"
"I have."
"Did you persuade him to consult Doctor Gambado?"
"I did."
"Upon what grounds?"
"Because of his dyspeptic habits."
"Did they not almost amount to monomania?"
"I considered that at times they did."
"Was he not very splenetic?"
"Very."
"I ask you, if he has not, in the neighbourhood of Blackheath, thecharacter of being very litigious?"
"He is very unpopular."
"He quarrels with everybody?"
"He makes himself conspicuous for finding fault with all transgressorsof the law."
"Is he not very angry?"
"He is very easily provoked."
"Now, sir, I think, when you proposed to consult Doctor Gambado, that heobjected?"
"He did so."
"Upon what grounds?"
"Upon grounds that would, if true, disqualify any medical man, forprofessional consistency."
"What were these grounds?"
"He said he was a mere horse dealer,--that he would give him advice toride on horseback, and would sell him a horse to do so."
"Did you believe his assertion?"
"No. I not only doubted it; but stoutly contradicted it."
"You had a better opinion of Doctor Gambado?"
"I had."
"Now, sir, did not your friend actually say to you, that he would havethe fellow up, meaning Doctor Gambado, for being a horse dealer withouta licence?"
"He did."
"Did he not go to the Doctor with that intent?"
"I verily believe he did; but I certainly did not accompany him with anysuch intent."
"You recommended him purely for his health?"
"I did; and, moreover, I paid the Doctor's fee, upon the promise that hewould follow the Doctor's advice."
"Are Mr. Deuce's habits penurious?"
"Extremely so."
"Then how comes he to be so litigious?"
"He finds that costs him very little, if any thing in the end."
"He considers, then, in this case, that my client will be mulcted incosts?"
"I have no doubt he does."
"Were you present when he consulted Doctor Gambado?"
"I was."
"What was his advice?"
"Ride on horseback."
"Did you consider that good advice?"
"I did."
"What question did your friend put to the Doctor about the horse?"
"He asked him, '_Have you
got a horse that will suit me?_'"
"What was his reply?"
"There is a fine strong horse in my stables, that I think would suityou."
"Are you sure that was his reply?"
"Quite sure."
"Did you consider that reply as affixing the ownership of the horse tohimself?"
"I confess that I did so."
"Did you see any triumphant glance, or recognition of Mr. Deuce'ssagacity, at having fulfilled the declaration of the accuser, that hewas a horse dealer?"
"Yes, I did."
"Did you think the horse was the Doctor's own?"
"I own, I did."
"Did you ask him if the horse was his?"
"No, I did not. I concluded it was so."
"Did you see the horse sold?"
"I did."
"Who do you consider sold the horse?
"I considered, to my great surprise, that Doctor Gambado sold thehorse."
"Then you altered your opinion of the Doctor."
"I did so, considerably."
"Was your friend very warm upon the subject of the Doctor's horsedealing?"
"Very."
"Did you know of his resolution to bring this action?"
"I fully considered he would do so."
Mr. John Tattsall was then called.
"You are a horse dealer?"
"I am."
"You know both the plantiff and defendant?"
"I know the former, from having sold him a horse, have known the lattermany years."
"Pray, sir, do you hire Doctor Gambado's stables?"
"I hire stables of Doctor Gambado."
"How far from your own stables?"
"The back premises of each join."
"How long have you hired the Doctor's stables?"
"Fifteen years."
"How many horses do you generally keep there?"
"Ten, twelve, fourteen, and sometimes sixteen horses."
"Pray, are you in partnership with Doctor Gambado?"
"No, I am not."
"Has he any share in your business?"
"None whatsoever."
"Has he any horses?"
"Three of his own."
"In a separate stable?"
"In a stable adjoining to those I hire of him."
"To your knowledge, did the Doctor ever sell a horse?"
"Never."
"Has he any horses to sell?"
"None."
"You positively affirm upon oath that the Doctor is not a horse dealer?"
"I swear it."
"Did he ever sell a horse for you?"
"Never."
"Did you ever authorize him to sell a horse for you?"
"Never."
"Pray was the horse that the plantiff, Mr. Deuce, bought, your propertyor the Doctor's?"
"Mine."
"Did the Doctor give the price of the horse to the gentleman, or didyou?"
"I did,--the Doctor asked me what I had said was the price of the horse,and I told him,--and I told the gentleman I would not take one guinealess for him than ninety guineas."
"Then, really and truly, you took the money for your own horse, kept it,and did not give the Doctor a farthing?"
"I gave him nothing but 'Thank you, Doctor, for introducing to me acustomer.'"
"Had the Doctor seen the horse before?"
"Frequently, and admired him for the strength of his limbs, and for hisproportions."
"Do you remember what he said, when he brought the gentleman into youror his yard?"
"Yes. 'John, I've brought a customer.'"
"You knew what that meant?"
"Of course I did, and I led out the brown horse myself, and paced him,sold him, took the money; the cheque is, I suppose, in court: it waswritten for me, and I had no idea the horse was sold by anybody but me,to whom it belonged."
At this stage of the proceedings the solicitor for the prosecutionintimated that his client wished to withdraw his case.
Serjeant Sharpe said, "He hoped his Honour would direct a verdict forthe defendant, his client; and that the world would see what a shamefulaction it had been. He told the solicitor for the prosecution that hewas glad that his client felt ashamed of himself. He could never makehim amends for what he had done; that it was disgraceful in the extremeto seek the advice of so good a man, and to treat him in the way he haddone. He was quite sure that he would shortly have an increase of hismalady, and that even his friend, Mr. Ryecross, would no longer pityhim."
The judge dismissed the case, with a high compliment to Doctor Gambado,and with full costs to be paid into court by Mr. Deuce.
This action had some good effect upon this unhappy man, though it didnot cure him of hypochondriacism. He rode out on horseback--on his newhorse;--but whenever that horse came to the sign of the Red Cross, onBlackheath, directly opposite the four cross ways, he would lift up hisnose, stand stockstill, and as if he would have his rider see thecross, and think upon it, he would not be persuaded to move. In vain didthe lawyer tug at him, chuck his bridle, kick his sides, and use themost violent gesticulations to get him on. Whether he had a _nose_ forthe stables, or had been accustomed to Blackheath Red Cross on formerdays, he certainly had a nose, and until some one gently led him fromthe spot he would never be compelled to leave it. So he went by the nameof _Old Deuce's Horse_, or, _The Horse with a Nose_.
Hast thou a nose to smell a rat? Beware thou get not tit for tat. 'Tis better far to keep thy nose, Than have it split by angry foes. Avoiding strife, go, follow good, No harm will reach thee in such mood.