Page 11
Author: Lisa De Jong
“I’m going to make sure Nolan comes back and then we’re going to talk. ” I nod and wait to hear the door click shut before I lean forward, placing my head in my hands. This is too much. It feels like every time we settle into each other, something throws us off balance. I think fate brought us together, but I feel like it is also constantly testing us.
I grab my phone out of my purse and quickly call Jade. She’s the only person besides Dane who can put me in my place. I trust her, and she doesn’t sugar coat anything. “Hi,” she yawns into the phone.
“Jade,” I say, trying not to cry. Hearing her voice reminds me of how much I miss her.
“Alex, is that you? Are you okay?” Her voice is panicked.
“Yeah, it’s me. I had a really bad night, that’s all. ”
“Oh, honey, what’s the matter? Did something happen to Dane?” she asks, her voice full of concern.
“No, he’s fine,” I sigh. “We ran into Dane’s ex. ” I’ll never get the image of Nolan screwing Bree on the couch out of my head.
“What? Where?” she asks, raising her voice a few notches.
“Well, she sort of slept with his brother tonight, in our apartment,” I say, biting my lip.
“What?” she gasps. “Why is his brother in your apartment?”
“He’s staying with us for a couple days. It’s a really long story. Anyway, Dane told her to leave, but she kept going on and on about something that happened a couple months ago, and I’m so confused. What if he slept with her? We weren’t together, but he told me there was no one else. How can I trust him if he can’t be honest with me? And why did it have to be her?”
The tears are rolling down my cheeks again. I’m emotionally spent. Dane and I have only been back together for a week and our relationship is already a roller coaster ride. Is this how relationships are supposed to be?
“Are you sure he slept with her?” She sounds angry. Maybe I’m not overacting.
“No, I mean, I don’t know what to think. She knows something, and it was pretty obvious that he didn’t want her to tell me. He couldn’t get rid of her fast enough, and it wasn’t just because she was making us both uncomfortable. ” I’ve gone over it repeatedly and I can’t think of anything else. I keep seeing the grin on Bree’s face and it eats away at my heart. The thought of them together before I met Dane is hard to swallow, but thinking of him with her after is choking me.
“You need to talk to him,” she says in her best “don’t argue with me” voice.
“I know. I tried to leave, but he said I always run from things and called me weak. ” He was right. I always want to run.
She laughs. “He has a point. You’re living with him now. You can’t just run whenever something happens and upsets you. ” She stops laughing. “But seriously, Alex, you’re stronger than you think you are. You need to hear him out. Always. ”
“Okay,” I whisper.
“But call me if you need me. I can come get you if you need me to. You always have a place with me. ”
“Thank you. I’ll call you later. ”
“You better. Good luck,” she says before I hear the phone click. She convinced me that I’m doing the right thing by listening to what he has to say, but it doesn’t help the uneasiness in my stomach.
I throw my phone onto the bed and return my head to my hands. It’s throbbing more and more with every second that ticks by. I’m not sure how much time passes, but the tension is overwhelming when Dane finally returns to the room. He looks so tired, and I am too, but I can’t go to sleep right now and pretend like today never happened. I need to find out what he’s hiding from me. I just hope it doesn’t ruin us. I can’t stand the thought of not being with him again, but I’m not going to be in a relationship that isn’t honest and true. I learned all too well what secrets do to a relationship.
“Did you find Nolan?” I ask, not bothering to look up.
“Yeah, he’s in the other room. He says he’s still going tomorrow. I told him if he doesn’t, he’s out of here. ”
I feel the bed dip next to me followed by a heavy sigh as I brace myself for what I’m about to hear. “What was Bree talking about earlier?” I ask. I don’t want to tiptoe to the truth. I need to know now.
“Look at me. I need you to see me when I tell you this,” he says softly, placing his index finger under my chin to turn my head in his direction. “I didn’t do anything with Bree. We talked, and she tried to kiss me, but I stopped her. Nothing happened. ”
“She seemed pretty sure that something did. If nothing happened, why were you so defensive earlier? You couldn’t wait for her to leave. ” I grab his wrist, pulling his hand away from my face. When I look in his eyes I see pain, but I’m not backing down. Bree knows something that I don’t, and I want to know what it is now.
He runs his hands through his hair as he pulls his eyes away from mine. “Alex,” he shakes his head. “I don’t know if you want to hear this. ”
“Maybe I don’t, but I need to,” I reply. I feel sick to my stomach. What can be worse than the man you love being with someone else?
He sighs. “The morning after you left me the note, when I came to your dorm room, it completely broke me. I was lost and hurt, and I needed something to take the pain away. It’s how I’m used to dealing with things. ” I remember Mason and how I tried to use him to take my pain away. It didn’t work for me. In fact, it made things worse and forced me to open my eyes to everything around me.
“What are you trying to say?” I ask, feeling the pain in the back of my throat as the words leave my mouth.
“Alex,” he says, swallowing hard.
I take a deep breath. “What is it? Just say it. ”
“I went to hang out with some old friends that night, and I relapsed. I couldn’t stop the pain, so I tried to cover it up. I needed it to go away,” he says, standing to put some space between us.
I wince. He will never tell me it’s my fault, but it is. I stomped on his heart that day then expected him to be okay. “I’m sorry,” I say, letting the tears fall down my face.
“What?” he asks, startled.
I stand and slowly walk toward him, grabbing his face in my hands. “It’s my fault. I’m sorry. If I hadn’t left you like that, there wouldn’t have been any pain to cover up. ” He melts in my hands, letting the pain wash over his face as a single tear rolls down his cheek. I want to kiss it away, but he grabs my wrists and removes my hands.
“I hated myself the minute I did it. I had seconds to make a choice and I made the wrong one. I spent days getting it out of my system, but I realize the temptation will always be there. I’m the one who’s weak,” he says, pointing to his chest, pleading with his eyes.
“You’re not weak. You’ve just been through so much more than anyone else I know, and you made it through. You can’t win every fight the first time,” I say, placing my hand over his heart.
“I’ve been going to meetings again and I see my counselor once a week. It only happened once, and I’m working to make sure it never happens again. Please, Alex, don’t leave me. I can’t go through that again. ” His voice cracks, showing his vulnerability. He’s broken, but he’s falling into me instead of running. For once, I need to catch him. I need to show him that he’s worth unconditional love.
I wrap my arms around his waist and rest my cheek on his chest. I can’t pull him close enough. “Why didn’t you just tell me?”
“I don’t know. You weren’t here, and then you were, and I just couldn’t find the right time. ” He pulls back, resting his hands on my hips. “I can’t lose you, baby. ”
“I’m not going to leave you, especially when you need me the most,” I say, running my fingers along the line of his jaw. He closes his eyes and his shoulders relax. All this time, he’s been waiting for me to run out the door. I almost did, but I can’t. Leaving him isn’t an optio
n anymore.
He opens his eyes. “I’ll always need you. ”
“I know, and I’m not running,” I say, standing on my tiptoes to kiss his soft lips. Dane is always holding me up, but for once, I feel like I have something to give him in return. He needs me to love him through this. He needs my strength, love and encouragement, and I’m going to give it all to him. “Is there anything else you want to tell me? Since we are getting everything out in the open. ”
“No, you know me better than anyone else ever has, or ever will. No more secrets,” he whispers pulling me closer to his body. His lips touch mine and work to release all the lingering doubts that today brought to us. His kiss is soft and sensual; he’s not asking for anything more than this. I use my tongue to lick along his lower lip, encouraging him to open for me. There’s something in our motions that I haven’t felt before. He’s giving me every piece of himself, and I’m drawing on the strength I didn’t know I had before today. A million stars could be shining in the sky right now, and all I’d see is Dane. I softly press my lips against his one more time before pulling back. “We should go to bed. It’s been a long day,” I whisper against his warm skin.
“As long as you’re with me, I’ll go anywhere,” he whispers in reply. I quietly thank God for second chances. I feel like this whole part of my life is a second chance.
I put on one of his t-shirts while he checks on Nolan one more time. In a way, I’m grateful that today brought out the truth because I’m sure it was killing Dane to keep it inside. Now we can talk openly about it and work through it together; we need to work together to help Nolan through his addiction. He’s only been here for two days, but I’ve seen enough to know this isn’t the way a person would choose to live their life. I’ve seen two sides to him, and I know without a doubt that he can’t live like this for much longer. It’s going to tear him apart like a speeding train hitting a stalled car if he doesn’t get the help he needs soon.