Page 12
Author: Lisa De Jong
And Dane. . .
I think I love him even more today than I did yesterday. We’ve removed some things that stood between us and I feel closer to him than ever before. True love is the hardest thing to find, but it’s also the hardest thing to lose.
Dane steps back in the room, quietly closing the door behind him. “He fell asleep. I feel like we’ve been thrust into parenthood,” he says, climbing into bed behind me. I completely relax into him when he wraps his arm around me, splaying his hand on my stomach.
“He’s probably tired. He’s barely slept since he got here,” I yawn.
“Go to sleep,” he says, lifting his head to kiss my cheek. “We can talk more tomorrow. ”
I place my hand over his and close my eyes. The whole apartment is silent, and for once I’m not thinking about yesterday or tomorrow. Right now is where I want to be.
Chapter Eight
A person can’t change unless they really want to. I began my journey to finding myself a few years ago and today it’s Nolan’s turn. When I went to rehab, the number of counselors who were recovering addicts themselves surprised me. But it makes sense; only someone who has struggled with addiction problems can understand what the body and mind go through during recovery. I listened to so many idiots ask why I didn’t just stop. It’s not that easy. Addiction gets a hold of you and refuses to let go. Some people die never being able to escape it, but I’m not letting that happen to my little brother.
“You ready to go, man? They want you there by noon for check in,” I say, grabbing the one bag Nolan had with him when he came to my apartment. His whole life is probably in this bag.
“Yeah, do you think I should say goodbye to Alex?” he asks, rubbing his hands together. He hasn’t used since yesterday and I can tell it’s getting to him. He won’t stop jittering, and a sheen of sweat glistens on his face.
“She’s still sleeping. I’ll tell her you said goodbye. ” I start walking toward the door when I hear the bedroom door swing open.
“Are you guys leaving?” Alex asks, standing there in nothing, but my t-shirt, wiping the sleep from her eyes.
I set the bag down and close the distance between us, wrapping my arms around her body to shield her. This body belongs to me, and I don’t need anyone, including Nolan, seeing it. “Why don’t you go put some clothes on? We’ll wait for you,” I say, quickly kissing her full pink lips.
“Do you want me to go with?” she asks, sleepily.
I look toward Nolan, who nods his approval. “Yeah, but you only have five minutes to get ready. Nolan has to check in by noon. ”
“I’ll be quick,” she says, making her way back into the bedroom. I never considered asking her if she wanted to go with us, but I’m glad that she is. Nolan’s been really quiet all morning and I don’t see that changing on the ride to the rehab facility. I keep waiting for him to change his mind, but he hasn’t yet. I hope this is it.
“Are you nervous?” I ask, crossing my arms over my chest. I was terrified when I entered rehab. I knew what my body felt like when it was going through withdrawals: it was scary as hell. Nolan has a long road ahead.
“I don’t know. I’m just so f**king tired of living like this,” he shrugs.
I grab him and pull him into a tight hug. His body is tense, but after a few seconds he relaxes, wrapping his arms around me. “I’m proud of you, man. ”
“I hope you stay that way. I want to have something to look forward to, you know?” he says, his voice trailing off.
“Yeah, I know exactly what you mean,” I reply, looking toward my bedroom door.
I wasted so many years doing nothing but looking for my next high. I would wake up, usually in the afternoon, call some of my so-called friends to see what the plan was for the day, and then we would spend hours drinking and getting high. I didn’t feel anything, but that was the point. The moment I started feeling again, I found another way to forget. It’s not the way for anyone to live.
“Ready,” Alex announces, coming out of the bedroom in a light blue t-shirt and white skinny jeans. She’s cute when she gets all dressed up, but I like her best when she goes casual. I think it suits her.
“Let’s do this,” I say, letting go of Nolan and grabbing Alex’s hand.
We all squeeze into the back of a cab and ride out of the city to the same rehab facility that I went to a few years back. It’s not an upscale place, but it’s quiet, and the staff knows what they’re doing. This gives Nolan the best chance at getting clean, there’s no doubt in my mind. He won’t be able to call on friends, and if he wants to leave he has to wait for a cab to come get him. I called one my third night there, but by the time it arrived, I changed my mind and stayed.
The car ride is quiet after I give the cab driver directions. Nolan is sitting to my left, his knees constantly moving up and down, bumping against mine. He’s resting his forehead against the window, biting what’s left of his nails. His head is probably racing with all the reasons he doesn’t want to go and all the reasons he should go. Alex is on my right with her head resting on my shoulder and her hand on my thigh. If she feels at all uncomfortable doing this with us, she doesn’t show it.
We pull up to the rehab facility and everyone sits up straight, looking out the front window. The property is secluded, hidden from the road by mature trees and surrounded by a wooden ranch style fence that says A Hope for Tomorrow at the driveway entrance. It’s so peaceful out here.
“We’re here,” I announce, taking in the place that gave me my life back. There’s nothing fancy about it, but there’s a well-maintained house, a horse stable and an old wood working shed. I scoffed the first time I came here, but I ended up riding a horse almost every day to clear my mind. “Have you ever ridden a horse before?” I ask, turning to Alex.
She shakes her head. “I’d really like to someday, though. ”
The car stops in front of the old wrap around porch and I watch Nolan as he grimaces. “I don’t know if I can do this,” he says, shaking his head.
“Yes, you can,” I say sternly. Alex opens her door and we both slide out her side of the car. I open Nolan’s door for him, and he exits hesitantly. I instruct Alex and the cab driver to wait for me outside as I walk Nolan in. This is something I need to do myself. I need to have one last moment with my brother before he starts his journey.
As soon as we are inside the door, he turns to me. “I don’t think I can f**king do this. I already feel sick as hell and look at this place. What is there to do here?”
I grab both of his shoulders, forcing him to look at me. “You need to do this. You’ll feel so much better when you’re done. ”
I watch as he crouches down, wrapping his fingers through his hair. “I can’t f**king do this right now. I can’t. ”
“I know you were young when Jenna was still with us, but do you remember the way her dimples would appear when she smiled? Do you remember the way her eyes would brighten when we let her play with our toys? She had so much life, Nolan, and she was taken from us way too soon. Now, you have the chance to live, to have what she can’t. We owe our lives to her. It could have very easily been one of us in that car with mom that day, but it was her,” I say, kneeling down in front of him. “Do it for her. ”
He completely breaks down in front of me, letting his back fall against the wall. I haven’t seen my brother cry like this since we were kids. The big brother in me wishes I could do this for him. I wish he had more of a support system to help him through, but I remember how I did it with no one, and I feel hope that he will come out with a similar result.
“Are you ready?” I ask, reaching my hand out to him.
His body continues to shake as he waves my hand away, getting up on his own. He’s a mess, but to me this is a good sign. I was the same way the day I walked into rehab. I couldn’t stop wondering where my life went so wrong. I finally decided to l
et it go so that I could make my future right. I owed it to myself.
I help Nolan check in and give him one last hug before walking out of the house. Alex is sitting on the front steps staring at the miles and miles of country land. I wonder what she’s thinking about as I sit down next to her.
“Hi,” she whispers, grabbing my hand.
“Are you ready to go?” I ask, glancing toward the cab driver who’s smoking a cigarette behind the car.
“Yeah, although I have to admit I could sit out here for hours,” she says, bumping my shoulder with hers.
I stand, offering her my hand. “Come on. We’ll come back and visit in a couple weeks. ” Nolan will be here for at least thirty days if all goes well.
When we step into the cab, she immediately wraps her thin arms around my neck; she knows that I need some comfort right now. I lean in to kiss her lips before settling my head against the back of the seat. I let the motion of the car against the bumpy road relax me before drifting to sleep.
“Hey, we’re here. ” I open my eyes to see we’re parked in front of the apartment building. The streets are full of people, and the sounds of sirens and horns fill the air.
I miss the country already.
I stretch my legs before paying the cab driver and stepping out of the car. I can’t believe I slept the whole way home, but then again, it has been an exhausting couple of days. I have to work tonight, but I wish I didn’t. I want to stay home, curled up on the couch with Alex.
“You want me to make you something to eat before you have to leave for work?” Alex asks, looking up at me.
“You’re going to cook for me?” I tease. Usually I’m the one who does the cooking.
“I was going to try,” she smiles. I can’t look at her pretty face and not touch her.
I pull her into my body and kiss the spot right below her ear. “We could just go eat in the bedroom,” I say against her neck.
“Aren’t you hungry?” she whimpers, curving her body into mine.