Page 32
Author: Lisa De Jong
“Don’t forget we have someone to meet at 3,” I remind her.
“Why won’t you tell me who?” she asks again. We’ve been going over and over this since I told her about it early this morning, but I can’t tell her. I’m afraid she won’t go then.
I close the distance between us, wrapping my arms tight around her body. “I’m nervous,” she whispers.
I pull back and look into her face. “About what?”
“About taking the bike on the interstate. What’s the speed limit? Ninety? And I’m nervous about this meeting you won’t tell me anything about. Why can’t you just tell me who we’re meeting with?”
My body tenses. I’m not sure how she’s going to react. A part of me wants to tell her, but the other part of me doesn’t want her to have time to think about it, or back out. She might hate me for this, but I have to do it…if I don’t, she will regret it later. I know that from experience.
I pull back, pressing my forehead to hers. “Just trust me on this one, okay?”
“Okay. ” She lightly brushes her lips on mine. “We better get going then. ”
I hold her hand in mine as we walk out of the apartment. I grip her a little tighter than usual, knowing she’s going to need me later. I hope I’m doing the right thing.
I think I am.
We strap my bag and the sleep gear on my bike, leaving Alex’s bag on her back. I can feel the tension in her body as she climbs on behind me, pressing her body close to mine and wrapping her arms tight around my waist. I turn to make sure her helmet is strapped on correctly, and she smiles tightly at me. I smile at her one more time before easing my bike out of the parking garage and onto the street.
The city has settled down from the morning rush, and we ease down the streets without much trouble. Alex may not realize this, but I haven’t been out of the city since I was nine, with the exception of rehab, of course. I sometimes think to find yourself, you have to leave your environment, go where you know no one, and just live. You can do what you want and say what you want because you’re not being judged by anyone you’ll ever see again. I’m hoping to learn something about myself during this trip, and hopefully Alex and I can learn something about each other. About us.
The funeral was two days ago, and I still haven’t seen or heard from Nolan. I know what he’s doing; he was high that day. What kind of man goes to his mom’s funeral high as a f**king kite? The day of the funeral he asked for money, but I didn’t give it to him. He’s really on his own now, so all I can do is sit back and wait for him to hit bottom. I can’t lose him, but I can’t watch him kill himself either.
As we pull toward Greenwich, I feel Alex’s arms squeeze me tighter. I know if she thought I could hear her right now, she would be panicking. I’m panicking for her.
When we enter town and stop at the first stoplight, she leans in close to my ear. “What are we doing here? Dane, who are we meeting with?” Her voice is full of edge, teetering on panic and anger.
“Calm down. It’s going to be okay,” I say, rubbing my hand over hers. The light turns green, and my bike rumbles to life again. I feel her cheek resting against my back as we pull into the parking lot of the coffee shop. I look around for any sign that he’s already here, but I don’t see him. I park, putting the kickstand down, and wait for Alex to disconnect herself from me. When she finally does, I say a little prayer that this goes the way it’s supposed to. That he’s here to do what he told me he was going to do, and nothing more. I’m not a very trusting person, but for Alex I have to believe him.
I help her pull her helmet off and hook it on my bike with mine. Her eyes are scanning the parking lot, but she doesn’t say anything. I think she knows I’m not going to tell her any more than I already have. Grabbing her hand, I lead her toward the front door. Through the glass, I can see him sitting at a table in the back corner. He waves at me and I feel some of the pressure on my chest ease. He doesn’t look like a man who came here to tear his daughter in two. He looks like a man who feels broken and wants forgiveness.
I open the door and pull Alex in with me. The moment she sees him, she stops dead in her tracks, looking back at me with her mouth hanging open. She seems to be searching for words, but unable to find them.
I grab onto her hand again a little tighter this time and walk her over to the table. He’s called me almost every day for a couple weeks. He wants to talk to Alex, said he has something to tell her and that he needs her forgiveness, but he doesn’t want to do it over the phone. After what happened with my mom, I couldn’t let Alex have the same guilt someday. I’m not a guy who doesn’t make mistakes, but I am one that learns from them.
Chapter Twenty-One
Dane had been secretive about who we were meeting today, and while I had many ideas running through my head, my dad wasn’t even a blip on my radar. I had thought of Gwen, or maybe Jade. Even someone in the art industry crossed my mind, but not this.
The minute I stepped into the coffee shop, my heart started to work overtime in my chest, and I couldn’t find any words. Why would Dane bring me here to meet my dad? I glance at Dane; his back is stiff and his muscles rigid. He feels my discomfort, or maybe he’s worried about my reaction.
He grasps my hand firmly in his and moves us toward my dad’s table. My chest starts to tighten with every step, and I can’t breathe. Dane stops right in front of my dad, guiding me to stand in front of him. He’s holding onto the back of my arms like he knows I could fall at any minute.
My dad does something I don’t expect. He smiles up at me, gesturing for me to take the seat across from him. I turn back to Dane who nods and helps pull the chair out for me. If someone told me aliens landed on Earth, I would believe that over this.
“I’m going to go grab us some coffee. I’ll be right back,” Dane says, breaking the deafening silence. It wakes me from my daze, and I try to grab for him, but he’s out of my reach. It’s just us now.
“Hi, Alex. You look like you’re doing well in the city,” my dad says, looking right into my eyes. I’m not used to the contact, and my first reaction is to break it, but I don’t.
My eyes widen as I realize he called me Alex instead of Alexandra. I told my parents over and over again that I preferred it, but no one cared. It wasn’t distinguished enough. For years I wanted this moment, for him to notice me as a person and not as a doll to be shown around town. I wanted him to see me as Alex the artist, and quit pushing me toward medical school.
A little bit of hope rises in my chest.
“I bet you want to know why I had Dane bring you here today. First of all, I want to say how sorry I am,” he stops, removing his glasses to wipe his fingers over his eyes. Is he crying? “I treated you like you didn’t matter, and you do. Alex, I’ve always been so proud of you, but for some reason it wasn’t enough. I let others influence my opinion of you, when deep in my heart I knew you were the daughter any man would love to have. ” He stops again, trying to reach for my hand across the table. I pull back. I’m not ready for that.
“Why did you keep doing it? Why did you keep pushing me?” I feel the moisture pooling in my eyes, but I try to hold it in. I’m so used to not showing emotion in front of my parents, I don’t know how he’ll react to it.
“I guess I was weak. I’m so sorry, Alex. If I could go back and start time over, I would. I would give you back your childhood and make sure you were happy over anything else,” he says, pulling his glasses off again to wipe his eyes on a handkerchief.
I press my lips firmly together and glance toward the counter in an effort to hold back my emotion, but I see Dane, his soft eyes urging me to move forward. This is the moment he never got, and he’s giving it to me.
“Why now? Why are you here?” I ask.
He tries to reach for my hands again, and this time I let him. A tear finally rolls down my cheek; this is the first time my dad has shown me thi
s type of affection. I never in my life imagined this.
“I thought I was sick, Alex. I wasn’t feeling good, so they ran a bunch of tests. ” I feel myself crumble. There’s no way to hold the emotion in now. “When you think your days are numbered, your whole life flashes before you. I was living my life worried about what everyone else thought instead of living it how I wanted. I’m so proud of you and what you’ve become. You’re so much stronger than the rest of us. ”
“Are you going to be okay?” I ask, glancing toward the register. I need Dane.
“So far everything has come back normal. I’m feeling better, and the doctors have given me a clean bill of health. I’m sorry. No matter what happens, I’ll always regret what I put you through. If I live for one year, I will spend it showing you how sorry I am. If I live for twenty, I will do the same,” he says, his voice cracking more with every word.
I leap out of my chair and wrap my arms around him. His body tenses, but he quickly wraps his arms around my back. Never in a million years did I think I would be sitting across from my dad today, hearing “I’m sorry. ”
Never.
I pull back from his tear stained t-shirt. “What about Mom?” I ask nervously. She’s not here, but maybe.
He looks up, avoiding my eyes for the first time since I walked in here today. “She doesn’t share my new outlook on life. I asked for a divorce. ”
My eyes go wide. “What?”
“I spent too many years pretending. You get one life, Alex. Just one. ” I can’t believe it. Maybe that explains why she was at the Hamptons. She must be staying at Ryan’s family vacation home there.
“I’m sorry, Daddy,” I say, hesitantly.
He smiles again. He’s a handsome man when he smiles. “You haven’t called me that since you were five. ”
You haven’t smiled at me since I was five is on the tip of my tongue, but I hold it in, not wanting to ruin the moment.