One day I was coming back with some coffee, and I heard Jon’s voice coming out of the room.
“I know you love my sister.
“And I know she loves you.
“This is killing her.”
I thought about walking in. But I wanted to hear whatever else he had to say.
“I know we haven’t gotten along.
“You think I think you aren’t good enough for Harleigh.
“But that’s not it.
“Nobody would be good enough for my little sister.”
I wished Shaun could hear him.
“It’s not you.
“So maybe you aren’t the kind of guy I thought she’d end up with.
“But she loves you, and you love her.
“And I guess that’s all that matters.”
I tried to hold back the tears.
“And I don’t know how to tell her that you’re hanging on by a thread.
“That you’re probably never gonna be the man she fell in love with again.
“I watch her here, holding your hand and talking to you, and I want to tell her.
“But I can’t.”
* * *
Rose was the kind of friend you could tell anything to, the kind of friend you could trust to discretely tell you if you had something hanging from your nose or stuck in your teeth.
“So is it pretty serious with you and Mr. Parker?”
“Yeah, it is. It’s probably the most serious relationship I’ve ever had although that’s not saying a heck of a lot because I never really dated much because I was always so busy studying.”
“Ahhh, the life of the college valedictorian.”
“A date every weekend with my books and a pack of highlighters.”
“Yeah, but I’m sure it’s much more exciting to curl up with Shaun in bed than with some text book.”
“Well…”
“Harleigh, are you holding out on me?”
“Here’s the deal.”
“What deal?”
“We’re not exactly curling up in bed so to speak.”
“Harleigh, what are you saying? Are you saying what I think you’re saying?”
“We aren’t sleeping together.”
“This is almost as disturbing as when I found out there was no Santa Claus.”
“Don’t be so dramatic, Rose.”
“You have been dating Shaun Parker for seven months and you aren’t sleeping together? Why the fuck not?”
“I’m the big V, Rose.”
“The big V?”
“I’m still a…”
“Ohhh... You’re still a… the big V. Got it.”
“Don’t laugh.”
“Am I laughing?”
“It’s just maybe I’m really naïve and foolish and moronic but I just want it to be with one person and I want it to be with someone special. And I really… I want it to be with the person who’s going to be with me for the long haul.”
“I’m just stunned by your self-control and Shaun’s. I don’t even want to imagine what his masturbation factor is.”
“Rose, enough.”
“Sorry, just thinking out loud.”
“Anyway, I really haven’t told Shaun yet. And I don’t really know how to.”
“Can’t help you there, Miss Murphy. I haven’t had that conversation since my freshman year in high school.”
* * *
Sometimes I would sit there and make up in my head what I would say to him when he opened his eyes.
I knew he would open them.
“So I’ve gotta go back to school next week.
“I thought I should tell you where I’ll be.
“But I’ll be back every day after school’s out.
“And if you wanna wake up while I’m gone that’s fine.”
I leaned over and kissed his forehead.
“Hey, Shaun.
“I love you.”
* * *
We were curled up on his couch under a blanket.
“Harleigh, I was thinking.”
“No, really?”
I was giggling.
“Stop that.”
“OK, I’m sorry. So you were thinking?”
“Yeah, I was thinking that you’re lucky to have me.”
He grinned.
“Oh, am I?”
“Yup.”
“And why might that be, Shaun?”
“I’m perfect.”
I couldn’t stop laughing.
“You want me, Harleigh. I know. You want me bad.”
* * *
After school on Monday, I rushed back to the hospital.
I expected to find Mike or Jon in the room. But there was a nurse I had never seen before.
She turned when she heard me open the door.
“Hi.”
“Hi. Is everything OK with Shaun?”
“Yeah, everything’s OK. Are you his girlfriend?”
“Yeah, I am.”
She extended her hand to me.
“I’m Shelly. I used to date Shaun a really, really long time ago.”
Another part of his past.
“I’m Harleigh.”
“I’ve heard about you. His friends talk a lot about you, saying how much you’ve done for him and stuff.”
“I love him.”
“He’s a good guy. I just wanted to stop in and see how he was doing.”
“It was nice meeting you, Shelly.”
* * *
We sat on top of my bed.
Shaun had slipped my shirt off over my head and was kissing my back.
“I love you, Harleigh.”
I turned and faced him and put my hands on his chest.
He looked at me.
“Harleigh, you’re shaking.”
I kissed him, my lips barely parting.
He gently lowered me back until my head rested on the pillows.
His hands ran up and down my sides.
“I love you so much, Harleigh.”
He started to unbutton my jeans.
“Shaun…”
He was kissing my chest.
“You’re amazing, Harleigh, I...”
“Shaun…”
He was slowly kissing his way down my stomach.
“Do you know how much I’ve wanted to make love to you?”
“Shaun, stop.”
He looked up. He saw my tears.
“What?”
“I can’t do this.”
“Harleigh, what’s wrong? Hey, don’t cry.”
“I can’t do this.”
“We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.”
“Shaun, I’ve never…”
He was holding my hand.
“You’ve never what?”
“I’ve never you know.”
“No, what?”
“Shaun, I’m still a… I’ve never made love… I’ve never slept with someone before.”
“Ohhhh.”
He pulled away and started to put his shirt back on.
“No, Shaun, don’t. I’m sorry.”
He took my hand again.
“You don’t have anything to be sorry about.”
“It’s just…”
“You don’t have to explain, Harleigh. I respect that.”
“You do?”
“Yeah. So you’ve never?”
“Never. This is the furthest I’ve ever gone.”
He looked guilty.
“I’m sorry. I probably rushed you into this.”
“No, you didn’t. Shaun, I love you.”
“I can’t believe you’ve never. Wow.”
“I just want it to be with one person, and I want it to be really special.”
“It should be special.”
He looked even guiltier.
“I’m just not ready.”
“That’s OK, Harleigh. You’re worth waiting for.”
“Shaun…”
“Yeah?”
?
??How many women have you, you know, been with?”
“I don’t… too many.”
“Three?”
“Just too many when it wasn’t special.”
“How many, Shaun?”
“Harleigh…”
He couldn’t make eye contact with me.
“How many?”
“It depends.”
“On what?”
“On what you mean by been with.”
“OK…”
“OK, Harleigh, I’ve only slept with maybe fifteen girls, but I’ve done a lot of stuff with a bunch of others.”
He now didn’t just look guilty – he looked ashamed.
“Only fifteen? Bunch of others?”
“They never meant anything. They were mistakes. I was messed up then.”
I knew he had. I didn’t want to admit to myself that he had.
“It’s OK, Shaun.”
“It is?”
“I understand. Do you?”
“Yeah, Harleigh, I understand.”
“And this is OK with you?”
“Yeah, I’ve got two hands.”
He grinned. I hit him.
* * *
Mike smiled at me when I walked in after school.
I hadn’t seen him smile like that since before the accident.
“Mike, what happened?”
“He squeezed my hand today, Harleigh, I know he did.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
“He looks a little bit better today, too. What did Jon say?” I moved over to Shaun’s bed and took his hand in mine.
“He said it’s a good sign. He wanted them to run some tests.”
“He’s gonna be fine, Mike, he’s gonna be fine.”
* * *
“So Shaun treats me now like I have the virginity plague.”
Rose couldn’t stop laughing.
“It’s not a plague. It’s not very widespread.”
“You aren’t helping, Rose.”
“So what’s he doing?”
“It’s like he’s afraid to touch or kiss or hold me now. It’s weird.”
“That’s what happens when you’re dating a tweenybopper twenty-something.”
“Last night when I left his apartment, he gave me this ridiculous peck, this kiss like you would give your grandma.”
“He’s probably just confused about what the limits are of your hanky panky.”
“I saw this TV show once where these men married virgins and then they didn’t want to sleep with them. They wanted to keep them virginal so they were sleeping with all these other women.”
“Sweetie, relax. Everything is going to be fine.”
* * *
After the accident, I had left his things exactly where they were in my apartment.
His clothes. His razor. His things.
Jon made me breakfast one morning before school.
“Harleigh…”
“What?”
“Never mind.”
“No, what? Is it about Shaun?”
“Kind of.”
“Well, go ahead.”
“Was Shaun living with you?”
His conservative colors were shining through.
“No.”
“OK.”
“Jon, we weren’t sleeping together, either.”
“I didn’t ask.”
* * *
I got another grandma kiss the next time we went out.
Shaun had walked me to my door after we had gone to a movie.
I wasn’t going to let the night end that way.
“OK, Harleigh. Why are you looking at me like that?”
“Why did you just kiss me like that?”
“Like what?”
“Like that.”
“Like what?”
“Like you were kissing your grandma.”
“It’s just… I don’t…”
“Is this about the other night?”
“Yeah. I just don’t want to rush you or push you or make you uncomfortable or…”
I was somewhat amazed that he was willing to go along with my 5 mile per hour relationship speed limit.
“Shaun, if you don’t kiss me, really kiss me right here, right now, I’ll…”
“You’ll what?”
His arms wrapped around my waist.
“I’ll have to kiss you, really kiss you.”
“That’s not very much of a threat.”
He started on my neck and worked his way to my mouth.
“Satisfied, Harleigh?”
“Mmmmm hmmmm.”
* * *
I rushed into his room with a bag under my arm.
The room was so sterile, so cold.
Shaun’s eyes were still closed. The machines were still running.
I kissed his forehead.
“Hey, honey.
“Wait until you see what I brought you today.”
I pulled out the stack of cards from the bag.
“Today in art class, Rose had my class make get well cards for you.
“I’m gonna hang them up here on your walls.”
I held some up and read them.
“Look at this one Molly did.
“She drew you and me.
“And she wrote you have to get better so you can marry Miss Murphy.”
* * *
Rose had gone to school with Shaun. She graduated two years before him.
She became my best friend almost as soon as I started teaching at the school.
“So, Miss Murphy, how’s your man?”
“My man is fine, thank you.”
“How long has it been now?”
“About a year and a half. Crazy isn’t it?”
“Yeah, I never thought Shaun would have a relationship that lasted more than a month or two.”
“I can’t imagine him being any different than how he is now, but I know he was.”
“I’m glad you never met that Shaun.”
“Sometimes I wish I had.”
“No, Harleigh, trust me, you don’t.”
“Rose, do you think it’s too soon?”
“Too soon for what?”
“To know he’s the one.”
* * *
I was just sitting there, holding Shaun’s hand when Mike came in.
He hugged me.
“How’s he doing?”
“OK, I guess.”
“Has his doctor been in tonight?”
“Not yet.”
He sat down beside me and pulled a photo album out of his briefcase.
“I want to show you these.”
“What are they?”
“Some pictures of Shaun before you met him. He’d probably kill me if he knew I was going to show these to you.”
Mike flipped through the pages, and I saw the Shaun I never knew. Shaun in his Little League uniform. Shaun in Halloween outfits. Shaun at high school dances.
There was a picture of Shaun, Mike and their parents on the beach.
“When was this taken?”
“About a month before he died.”
“I’m sorry, Mike.”
“It’s OK.”
“Shaun looks so much like him.”
“Yeah, he does.”
I flipped through some more pictures. There was a picture of Mike and Shaun and a woman. It couldn’t have been more than a couple years old.
“Who’s this?”
“That’s Meghen.”
* * *
I was standing by the kitchen sink, chopping up some vegetables for a salad.
“Hey, Shaun, can I ask you something?”
He came in from the living room.
“Yeah, what?”
“Why doesn’t Mike ever date?”
I saw his face change.
“What, Shaun? What’s wrong?”
“Nothing. It’s my fault, I guess.”
“I don’t understand.”
“He dated this girl Meghen all through coll
ege and stuff. They moved in together and everything when they graduated. Then I came along.”
“What happened?”
“I just messed it all up for him.”
“I’m sure you didn’t.”
“No, Harleigh, I’m sure I did. I was out of control then. And they used to fight all the time about me. It wasn’t real pretty.”
“It wasn’t your fault, I’m sure.”
“Mike had proposed to her. She had the ring and everything. But then I started to get into harder drugs and stuff. Meghen said she wasn’t ready to be the mom of an out-of-control teenager. She left him.”
I couldn’t believe what he was telling me.
“She just left him?”
“Yeah, she said she loved him, but she couldn’t deal with this. She couldn’t deal with me.”
I threw the vegetables into the bowl.
“But what about now? You’ve been clean for a while now?”
“I think she moved to New York or something. She crushed Mike’s heart.”
* * *
Mike and I were both in Shaun’s room one Friday night.
“How many weeks of school do you have left, Harleigh?”
“One more. Then I can spend more time with Shaun.”
“Have you thought about it?”
“About what?”
“That this is it. That he’s not gonna get any better.”
I lied.
“No. He’s gonna get better.”
“Harleigh, you don’t have to spend every day here.”
“I love him, Mike.”
“But, Harleigh…”
“Trying to push me away from him now isn’t going to make it any easier.”
“I know. I’m sorry.”
* * *
It was almost Valentine’s Day — the worst twenty-four hours for any single person.
“Shaun, I want to hook Mike up with someone.”
“Uggghhh. You wanna play matchmaker?”
“Yeah, and I think she’s perfect.”
“Who is she?”
“She works with me. Her name’s Sue.”
“And you think she’s perfect for Mike?”
“She’s pretty. She’s funny. She’s really smart.”
“I don’t know, Harleigh.”
“We could double date with them.”
“It’s just that…”
“Don’t you think Mike is lonely sometimes or that he’d like to have someone to go out with once in a while? He practically lives in his office.”
“He’s just not over Meghen yet.”
“But …”
“Harleigh, if you just left me all of a sudden, it would destroy me. Mike’s still trying to pick up the pieces.”
I looked at him and pouted.
“OK, you can ask him.”
* * *
Mike was sitting with Shaun while Jon and I went down to the cafeteria.
“Harleigh, I’ve gotta head back home soon.”
“OK.”
“I don’t want to leave you like this.”
“I’m fine, Jon.”
“You are not fine. You don’t eat. You don’t sleep. You’re falling apart.”
“School’s almost out. Then it’ll be better.”
“Harleigh, he’s not getting any better.”
“But he’s not getting any worse.”
“Look …”
“No, Jon. Listen. They didn’t think he would make it out of surgery. They didn’t think he’d make it the first couple hours. He’s gonna wake up.”