“But what if he doesn’t?”
“That’s not going to happen.”
“How can you be so sure?”
“Because he wouldn’t leave me.”
* * *
Sue and I were sitting in the teachers’ lounge the day after the big date.
We didn’t double. I couldn’t talk Shaun or Mike into that.
“So how did it go, Sue?”
“It went well; it went really well.”
“Anything else you would like to tell me?”
“Mike’s a great guy. He’s the perfect gentleman. He’s polite. He’s funny. He seemed kind of nervous, though. But that was kind of sweet.”
“He hasn’t dated for a while.”
“That’s what he told me.”
“So is there going to be a second date?”
“We’re going out for coffee tonight.”
* * *
I heard voices inside Shaun’s room so I stood outside and waited.
“Mike, one of my friends called and told me what happened.”
“He’s doing OK.”
“I’m so sorry, Mike.”
“He was doing so much better. He was clean and sober. He’s got this amazing girlfriend. Things were going really well for him.”
“Sounds like he’d really changed.”
“He wasn’t the same Shaun you met.”
“I’m so sorry about everything.”
“It’s OK, Meghen.”
It hit me.
They kept on talking, and I could hear the pain in Mike’s voice.
I knocked on the door and peeked inside.
I saw the tears in his eyes.
“Hey, Harleigh.”
He wrapped his arms around me so tightly that I didn’t think he was ever going to let go.
“Hey, Mike.”
He kept ahold of my hand.
“Harleigh, this is Meghen.”
* * *
Shaun and I were having Mike over for dinner.
“So how are things going with Sue?” I smiled at Mike.
Shaun stood up.
“I’m gonna clear the table, make myself useful or something.”
“I think we’re just gonna be friends, good friends.”
“So it didn’t work out?”
“I don’t know. She’s ready for a serious commitment. I’m not.”
“I’m sorry.”
“You did great, Harleigh. It’s me.”
* * *
“So that was Meghen?”
“Yup, that was Meghen.” Mike’s voice was distant.
I held onto Shaun’s hand and wished I could hold onto his brother’s at the same time.
“How are you doing, Mike?”
“I can’t believe she came.”
“Yeah.”
“She said she was doing some business a couple hours from here. I haven’t seen her since she left.”
“Is she gonna be around for a while?”
“A couple days, I guess.”
“Are you gonna see her again?”
“I don’t know. I don’t know if I can.”
“I understand.”
“Shaun blames himself for her leaving. But if we couldn’t make it through that together, who knows how long we would have lasted?”
“You deserve someone special.”
“Do I?”
* * *
Mike and I were making a surprise dinner for Shaun — he had gotten a promotion at work.
Mike came down to my apartment alone. He was going to ask someone he worked with to come.
“Where’s Nina?”
“She’s got a boyfriend.”
“Ouch.”
“Yeah, ouch.”
“It’ll be OK, Mike.”
“Can you believe I always had a girlfriend during high school, college, always?”
“Of course, I can. You’re a great guy.”
“Now I have to scrounge around and I still can’t find a date.”
“That’s not true.”
“I think I’m cursed.”
“You are not cursed.”
“I am cursed.”
“OK, Mike, why are you cursed?”
“Because I wasn’t there for Shaun when he needed me. I was so busy with Meghen that I didn’t see what he was slipping into.”
“Don’t do that, Mike.”
“I cared more about that stupid bitch who split as soon as things got a little bit rough than I cared about my own brother.”
“That’s not true.”
“Yeah, it is, Harleigh.”
part ii
Even though Shaun’s eyes were closed, I wondered how much of it he could see.
Me reading him cards my class had made him.
Jon checking in on him.
Meghen coming back and surprising Mike.
And I wondered what he thought of all of it.
I fell apart that day.
I watched the lines and numbers flash on machines that were keeping him alive.
I watched the slow steady drip of the IV.
I watched his eyes remain closed.
My heart – and my world – were shattered.
“Come on, Shaun, wake up.
“I know you can hear me.
“I love you so much.”
My tears were falling onto his hand I was holding.
“You can’t do this to me.
“You can’t leave me.
“I love you so much.”
I was starting to shake.
“What do you want me to do?
“I’ll do it, whatever you want, I’ll do it.
“Shaun, please wake up.”
Nothing changed except I started to cry harder.
“Shaun, I can’t take much more.
“I need you so much.
“I need you here with me.”
Through my tears, I could barely see.
“Dammit, Shaun, please wake up.
“Wake up, please.
“Shaun…”
I felt Mike’s arms wrap around me.
I buried my head in his chest and cried. And cried. And cried.
“Shhh. Harleigh, it’s OK. I’ve got you.”
“I can’t do it anymore, Mike.”
“I know. I know. He’s gonna be OK.”
“I love him so much. Why won’t he wake up?”
He pulled me closer.
“He’s fighting, Harleigh. He’s fighting to come back to you.”
* * *
The construction company Shaun worked for was helping out on a huge project about three hours away. Shaun was part of the crew that went.
He called me every night.
“Hey, Harleigh, it’s me.”
“I still recognize your voice, cutie.”
“I miss you.”
“I miss you, too.”
“We’re a little bit ahead of schedule so I’ll be home in about a week.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, really. I think about you every day.”
“I think about you every day.”
“I love you, Harleigh.”
“I love you, too.”
“I’m coming home soon.”
* * *
As I sat by Shaun’s bed, my cellphone started to vibrate. It was Noah. I went out into the hall so I could talk to him.
“Noah, it’s so good to hear from you.”
“Jon’s got me pretty worried about my favorite sister. How’re you holding up?”
“I’m doing fine.”
“You never were a very good liar.”
“He’s gonna wake up, Noah.”
“I know he is, Harleigh. He’s got you right there by his side.”
“I need him to wake up. I can’t have that fight be it. It can’t end that way.”
“It won’t be.”
* * *
We were just lying on my bed, and his arms were wrapped around me.
&nbs
p; “This is perfect, Harleigh. This, just this. I don’t want it to ever change.”
“I love you, Shaun.”
He kissed the top of my head.
“Harleigh, someday I want to marry you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”
My body began to tense. My mind began to race.
“I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately, Harleigh. I mean it doesn’t have to be soon or anything, but I want to marry you.”
In 2 ½ years, we had never talked about marriage. As a couple, we had been very much one-day-at-a-time kind of people.
I couldn’t imagine marrying anyone but Shaun. But I was panicking. I didn’t know how to react. I pulled away from him. I thought if I told Shaun I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, too, suddenly somehow it would all end.
My irrational thoughts overwhelmed my rational emotions.
“Hey, what’s wrong, Harleigh?”
I sat up with my back to him.
“I’ve really never thought about it.”
His voice sounded crushed.
“What?”
My tears started to fall as I realized what I’d said. But it was too late.
* * *
It was about 3 a.m. that Saturday morning, about three weeks after the accident. Mike was asleep in a chair.
I was holding Shaun’s hand, just watching him – I was supposed to have left hours ago, but I hadn’t.
I barely noticed at first or else I just thought my tired eyes were deceiving me.
So I looked again.
His eyelashes were starting to flutter.
I kissed his hand.
“Shaun…”
Slowly his eyes opened.
I tried to wipe the tears from my eyes, but it was pointless.
“Shaun, oh my God. I love you so much.”
His eyes looked blank.
“Mike, Mike! He’s awake.”
“What?”
Mike stood up and looked down at his brother.
“Hey, Shaun.”
“I knew he was gonna be OK, Mike; I knew he was gonna be OK.”
“I’m gonna go get a nurse.”
Shaun just kept looking up at me.
“I love you, Shaun.”
* * *
It all confused me — falling in love with Shaun.
I had had a two-year relationship in college with a guy named Ron.
But I didn’t love him. I could have lived in passive congenial bliss with him forever.
I wanted more.
With Shaun I thought it was love. I knew it was love.
“Rose, it’s happening.”
“What’s happening, Harleigh?”
“The love thing.”
“You’re falling in love with him, aren’t you?”
“I think so.”
“What do you mean you think so?”
“How do I know? I’ve never loved loved someone before.”
“What about Ron?”
“Not even Ron.”
“I think you’ll know if it’s love.”
“What if I’m just being stupid?”
“How do you feel, Harleigh?”
“I feel like a mess. Like I can’t stop thinking about him. Like he’s the best friend I’ve ever had when I haven’t even known him a year. Like we seem to just click.”
“So I think you know.”
“I know I know. I just wanted a second opinion.”
* * *
Mike and I had gone for a walk outside after all the doctors and nurses had rushed into Shaun’s room.
Mike squeezed my hand.
“I’ve never been so happy to see my brother’s eyes before.”
“I know. I saw his eyelashes starting to flutter. Then his eyes opened.”
“Do you think he knew where he was?”
“I don’t think so, Mike.”
“I wish they would let us back in.”
“He needs us there.”
“What do you think they’re doing to him?” I could tell Mike was trying to hold back his tears.
“I don’t know. I bet he’s scared.”
“Harleigh, he’s awake.”
* * *
The first time Shaun spent the night I felt guilty.
Nothing happened. I just fell asleep cuddled up beside him.
I woke up early, and he was still sound asleep.
He looked so peaceful, like he didn’t carry any of his past with him.
I don’t know how long I watched him before he started to wake up.
He smiled when he saw me watching him.
“Good morning, Shaun.”
“Morning, Harleigh.”
“I was just watching you sleep.”
“I watched you last night.”
“Hey, Shaun.”
“Hey what?”
“I’m glad you stayed.”
He pulled me close to him and kissed the top of my head.
“I like just holding you.”
“I like when you hold me.”
He got out of bed and slipped his jeans on over his boxers.
“You stay put, Harleigh. I’m making you breakfast in bed.”
Brown Sugar Cinnamon Pop-Tarts.
* * *
Dr. Matthews looked at Mike and me, almost in disbelief.
“That’s one strong guy in that room there.”
“Is my brother gonna be OK?” Mike’s voice was full of fear.
“I can’t promise you anything.”
“But what about permanent injuries? Is there any kind of brain damage?” Mike’s voice was now overflowing with fear.
“None of the tests have shown any. He’s got some internal injuries that are going to take awhile to heal. But he’s awake.”
That’s what I kept telling myself.
He’s awake.
One step at a time.
* * *
I was correcting spelling tests when I heard my doorbell.
It was Shaun.
He kissed me after I opened the door.
Something was wrong.
“Hey, Shaun.”
“It isn’t OK that I’m here. I probably should have called or texted. You’re probably busy.”
I took his hand.
“No, you know you never need to call.”
We sat down on the couch.
He looked at the stickers I was putting on the spelling tests.
“I never got stickers when I was in little kid school.”
“Do you wanna tell me what’s wrong?”
“I went to my meeting tonight.”
His AA meeting.
“Did something happen?”
“There’s this guy there. He comes to every meeting.”
“Did something happen to him?”
“He’s been sober for ten years, ten years. He messed up, Harleigh. He messed up bad this weekend.”
“He drank again?”
“After ten years.”
I wasn’t sure how this all related to him.
“I count every day, Harleigh.”
“I know you do.”
“I can never stop counting those days, every day because it’s never going to go away.”
* * *
Mike waited outside in the hallway. He wanted to give me a couple minutes alone with Shaun.
His eyes were closed again.
I took his hand.
“Hey, cutie.
“I’m so glad you’re back.
“I missed you so much.
“You know how much I love you.”
His eyes slowly opened again.
I started to cry again.
“Hi, Shaun.”
He just looked back up at me.
“Don’t be scared.
“Mike and I are right here.
“We haven’t left you.
“You gave us a pretty big scare.”
His eyes closed again.
“We thought we lost you.”
I s
aw his tears starting to fall.
I ran my hand down along his jaw.
“Don’t cry, Shaun. You’re gonna be just fine. You’re gonna be just fine.”
* * *
I made Shaun go shopping with me.
I think that’s a sign of true love.
His hands were full, carrying my bags.
“So we’re done now, right?” It had been at least an hour since he had smiled.
“We’re just getting started.”
“You’re kidding right? Harleigh?”
“I’m kidding. One more store.”
“One more store?”
“If you’re good, I’ll buy you a pretzel and ICEE when we’re done.”
“Are you trying to bribe me?”
“Maybe.”
“Harleigh, I’m going to die of exhaustion soon.”
I led the way into Banana Republic.
“I think you’ll make it.”
* * *
For about the next week, things didn’t change much.
Shaun still couldn’t talk to us. But his eyes would open.
Those were the moments I waited for.
I had just come back from getting lunch, and his eyes were open.
The tears were pouring out of them.
I took his hand in mine.
“I’m here, Shaun.
“Don’t cry; please, don’t cry.”
His eyes didn’t seem so blank now. They seemed to recognize me.
“Your doctor says you’re getting stronger every day.”
He squeezed my hand.
“I bet it hurts a lot, huh?
“But it’s gonna be OK. I’m right here, Shaun. I’m not going anywhere.”
* * *
It was a warm spring night, and Shaun and I went for a walk in the park.
I wrapped my arm around his.
“Hey, Shaun.”
“Hey what?”
“Who was your first?”
He stopped walking.
“What did you just ask me?”
I grinned.
“Who did you lose your virginity to?”
“Why? Do you think you know her?”
“I’m curious.”
“Her name was Beth. I was seventeen. She was 19.”
“An older woman? Interesting.”
“It was bad, Harleigh, real bad.”
“That’s nice. I don’t want details.”
“I had no clue what I was doing. And she was… she was experienced. God, it was fuckin’ awful.”
“But you still remember it?”
“Yeah, no matter how bad it is, it’s something that sticks with you.”
“I shouldn’t have asked you this.”
“I’m not gonna leave you because you’re not ready yet.”
He put his arm around me.
“After all, I am the king of abstinence.”
* * *
Mike was sitting beside his bed, reading the newspaper when I went into Shaun’s room.
He had a funny smile on his face.
“Morning, Harleigh.”
“Hey, Mike, how’d he sleep last night?”
“Good. He slept the whole night. He’s awake now.”
I looked at him and saw his brown eyes looking back up at me.
“I’m gonna go talk to his doctor, Harleigh.”
I took Shaun’s hand.
“I’ll stay with him.”
Mike smiled at his brother as he left.
“Guess what I brought you today.”
Shaun just looked up at me.