‘Very well,’ she resolved, ‘let him not come, but it is he who is my guru, my own guru.’ An absent guru exerts a much greater influence than one present in the flesh. For then the heart compensates from within for that absence. Where Sucharita would have argued with Gora if he were present, she now read his works and accepted his statements unresistingly. If she did not understand them, she told herself he would surely have explained if he had been there.
But it was not easy, indeed, to quench her hunger for the sight of Gora’s radiant image, and to listen to his words, charged with lightning like thunderclouds. Her insatiable inner yearning seemed constantly to erode her physical being. From time to time Sucharita would think, achingly, of the many people who had ready access to Gora, night and day, though they could not understand the value of such a sight.
One afternoon, Lalita came to Sucharita and embraced her.
‘Bhai Suchididi!’
‘What is it, bhai Lalita?’
‘It’s all arranged.’
‘What date has been fixed?’
‘Monday.’
‘Where?’
‘I don’t know about all that. Baba knows.’
‘Are you happy, bhai?’ asked Sucharita, putting her arm round Lalita’s waist.
‘Why would I not be happy!’
‘Now you’ve got everything you desired, you have no reason to quarrel with anyone about anything. That makes me fear you might lose your enthusiasm.’
‘Why? Why should I lack people to quarrel with? Now I need not look beyond the home.’
‘Is that so!’ cried Sucharita, rapping Lalita on the cheek. ‘Are you plotting such things already! I shall warn Binoy. The poor fellow still has time to put himself on guard.’
‘Your poor fellow has no time left to put himself on guard, my dear,’ Lalita retorted. ‘There is no saving him now. What was destined for him has come true, now he can only smite his forehead in despair, and weep.’
‘How can I tell you how pleased I am, Lalita!’ said Sucharita gravely. ‘I pray that you should prove yourself worthy of a husband like Binoy.’
‘Indeed! Is that so! And must nobody prove themselves worthy of me! Just try discussing it with him once. If you hear his opinion once, even you will regret that you failed to appreciate such a wonderful person, all these days. How blind you were!’
‘Never mind,’ Sucharita responded, ‘at last we have found an expert on jewels. No point crying over the price he offers, for now you will no longer need appreciation from ignorant people like us.’
‘Shan’t I, indeed! Of course I shall,’ Lalita insisted. She pinched Sucharita’s cheek so hard, she cried out in pain. ‘I want your appreciation always. You can’t evade that and offer it to someone else.’
‘I shall not offer it to anyone else, anyone at all,’ Sucharita assured her, placing her cheek against Lalita’s.
‘Anyone?’ Lalita persisted. ‘Not to anyone at all?’
Sucharita only shook her head.
‘Look bhai Suchididi,’ said Lalita, moving away a little. ‘You know bhai that I could never tolerate it if you cared for anyone else. I didn’t tell you all these days, but I tell you now, when Gourmohanbabu used to visit … No, Didi, you can’t do that, today I must speak my mind—I’ve never concealed anything from you, but that’s one thing I could never bring myself to tell you, I don’t know why, and that has troubled me all along. I can’t bid you farewell until I have told you about it. When Gourmohanbabu visited us I used to feel very angry. What made me angry? Did you think I didn’t understand anything? I noticed you wouldn’t even mention his name to me, and that would infuriate me even more. I found it intolerable that you should love him more than you loved me. No, bhai Didi, you must let me speak—how can I tell you what I suffered on that account? Even now, you won’t discuss that subject with me, I know. But even if you don’t, I’m not angry anymore. I would be so delighted, bhai, if your …’
‘I beg you, bhai Lalita, don’t utter those words!’ pleaded Sucharita, quickly placing her hand on Lalita’s mouth. ‘I want to sink into the ground when I hear that suggestion.’
‘Why, bhai, is he …’
‘No, no, no!’ cried Sucharita in great agitation. ‘Stop saying such crazy things! One must not utter the unthinkable.’
‘But this is too much, bhai,’ protested Lalita, annoyed at Sucharita’s embarrassment. ‘I have been watching very closely, and I can tell you for sure …’
Breaking free of Lalita’s grasp, Sucharita rushed from the room. Lalita ran after her and dragged her back
‘Achchha, achchha, I won’t mention it again,’ she swore.
‘Never again!’
‘I can’t make such a big promise,’ Lalita responded. ‘I’ll mention it if I turn out to be right, not otherwise. That much I promise.’
These few days, Harimohini had hovered close to Sucharita, keeping a strict watch on her. Sucharita had realized it, and Harimohini’s wary vigilance weighed heavily upon her mind. Though inwardly desperate, she could not say a word. Now, after Lalita had left, Sucharita wept in exhaustion, head between her hands, elbows on the table. When the attendant came to light the lamp, she forbade him. That was the hour for Harimohini’s evening prayers. From the upper floor, having seen Lalita depart, untimely she came downstairs and entered Sucharita’s room.
‘Radharani!’ she called.
Secretly wiping away her tears, Sucharita quickly rose to her feet.
‘What’s going on?’ Harimohini demanded.
Sucharita offered no reply.
‘I fail to understand what’s going on here!’ declared Harimohini harshly.
‘Mashi, why do you watch me like this, day and night?’ Sucharita demanded.
‘Don’t you understand why? All this fasting, all these tears, what do these things mean? Am I a child, not to understand something so simple?’
‘I tell you Mashi, you have not understood anything at all. You have misunderstood things so terribly, I’m finding it harder to endure, every moment.’
‘So if I have misunderstood, why don’t you explain things to me properly?’
‘Achchha, let me explain then,’ said Sucharita, determinedly subduing all her diffidence. ‘From my guru I have learnt something new, something it takes a lot of strength to accept. It is that strength I seem to lack now. I can’t cope with the constant need to fight you. But Mashi, you have a distorted view of my relationship with him. You have insulted him and sent him away. Whatever you said to him was wrong, and your view of me is false! You have wronged us! It is beyond your power to degrade a man like him. But why did you torment me so? What have I done to you?’ As she spoke, Sucharita’s voice became choked. She left the room.
Harimohini was stupefied. ‘Never in my whole life have I heard such words!’ she said to herself. Allowing Sucharita some time to compose herself, she called her to dinner. Then she said:
‘Look Radharani, I am not so young, after all. Since childhood I have followed what the Hindu religion says, and heard a lot about it as well. You know nothing about such things, that is why Gourmohan can beguile you, posing as your guru. I have heard some of the things he says; there is nothing genuinely traditional in his words, those scriptural truths are of his own making. We can detect such things because we have been trained by gurus. I tell you Radharani, you need not follow any of those injunctions. When the time comes, my Guru, who is not so false, will himself offer you the mantra of initiation. Have no fear, I shall get you into the Hindu community. Never mind that you were part of a Brahmo family. Who would ever know? You are indeed a little too mature, but there are so many girls like you, older than required. Who will check your birthchart after all? And since there is money, there will be no hurdles, everything will be accepted. I have myself seen a low-caste kaibarta pass off for a higher-caste kayastha. I shall marry you into such a good Brahman family in the Hindu community that nobody will dare gossip, for the family would themselves be the leaders of the co
mmunity. For that, you won’t have to suffer, worshipping a guru and shedding so many tears.’
While Harimohini was waxing eloquent, Sucharita discovered she had lost her appetite, and her food seemed hard to swallow. But she silently forced herself to eat. For she knew that even her lack of appetite would invite the sort of comment she would not find at all palatable.
Finding Sucharita unresponsive, Harimohini said to herself: ‘One must hand it to them! Shedding all these tears in the name of Hinduism, and then ignoring such a great opportunity! No need for penance, no excuses required, just spending a little money here and there to gain easy entry into the community—if even that fails to enthuse her, can she call herself a Hindu!’ Harimohini was left in no doubt about the extent of Gora’s duplicity. But trying to determine the motive behind such deception, she felt it was Sucharita’s wealth that was at the root of all this mischief—that, and Sucharita’s youthful beauty. The sooner she could rescue this girl, company documents and all, and confine her in the fortress of her marital home, the better. But without softening her mind a little more, the plan would not work. In the hope of softening Sucharita’s mind, she began to constantly sing the praises of her own in-laws’ family, for Sucharita’s benefit. Using diverse examples, she extolled their extraordinary influence, their impossible achievements in community affairs. How even blameless persons suffered social opprobrium for trying to oppose this family, and how many people supported by this family managed to survive comfortably within the Hindu way of life even after consuming chicken cooked by Muslims—Harimohini authenticated all these anecdotes with names, addresses and detailed descriptions.
Borodasundari made no secret of the fact that she did not want Sucharita to frequent their house, for she prided herself on her bluntness. She often announced this virtue when being unabashedly harsh to others. Hence Sucharita had plainly received the message that she should not expect any warmth in Borodasundari’s household. Sucharita also knew that Poresh would have to face tremendous domestic discord if she visited their house regularly, so she did not go there unless strictly necessary. Hence Poresh would drop by at Sucharita’s house to see her, once or twice a day.
Poreshbabu had been unable to visit Sucharita for a few days, preoccupied with various concerns and responsibilities. Sucharita had eagerly awaited his arrival, yet privately she too had felt rather uneasy and hurt. She knew for sure that her deepest ties of harmony with Poresh could never be severed, but was tormented by the painful awareness that some major outer strands were threatening to snap. Meanwhile Harimohini had made her life more intolerable by the hour. Hence, braving even Borodasundari’s displeasure, Sucharita now arrived at Poresh’s house. At that hour, the late afternoon sun had slanted to the back of the three-storied building on the western side, casting a giant shadow. And beneath that shadow, head bowed, Poresh was walking slowly on the garden path, all by himself. Sucharita joined him.
‘Baba, how are you?’ she asked.
Poreshbabu’s trend of thought was suddenly broken. ‘I am fine Radhé,’ he replied after a brief pause, gazing at her face. The two of them strolled along together.
‘Lalita is getting married on Monday,’ said Poreshbabu.
Sucharita thought of asking why her advice or assistance had not been sought in organizing this wedding. But she too felt hindered now by a certain constraint. Formerly, indeed, she would not have waited to be asked for help.
Then Poresh raised the very subject that was on her mind. ‘I couldn’t send for you this time, Radhé,’ he said.
‘Why Baba?’
Poresh looked at her without offering any reply. Sucharita could bear it no longer.
‘You thought I had undergone a change of heart,’ she said, lowering her face.
‘Yes, that is why I thought I would avoid embarrassing you with any request.’
‘Baba, I had planned to tell you everything but I didn’t get to see you at all. That is why I have come here today. I don’t have the ability to properly communicate my innermost feelings to you. I am afraid I might not manage to convey the exact truth.’
‘I know such things are not easy to communicate clearly,’ Poreshbabu assured her. ‘There is something you have discovered in your heart, through your emotions alone; you feel it, but its nature is not yet known to you.’
‘Yes, exactly!’ said Sucharita, relieved. ‘But my feelings are so strong, how can I describe them to you? As if I have found a new life, a new awareness. I have never viewed myself from such a perspective. All these days, I felt no connection with my nation’s past or future, but so powerfully has my heart now recognized the great reality of that connection, I simply cannot drive it from my mind. Look, Baba, to tell you the truth, I could never have declared earlier that I am a Hindu. But now my heart vehemently and unabashedly proclaims: “I am a Hindu.” That brings me great joy.’
‘Have you considered all aspects, all angles of this matter?’
‘Have I the capacity to consider everything as a whole? But I have read a lot on the subject, and discussed it extensively too. Before I learnt to take a large view of the matter, I used to magnify the petty details of what it means to be a Hindu. That made me very contemptuous of the whole business.’
Poreshbabu was surprised at her words. He clearly realized that Sucharita had developed a certain awareness, that she undoubtedly felt she had attained something real. She was not merely adrift on a vague tide of emotion like one entranced, uncomprehending.
‘Baba,’ persisted Sucharita, ‘why should I say I am an insignificant person, divorced from my country and my community? Why can’t I say “I am a Hindu”?’
‘In other words Ma,’ laughed Poreshbabu, ‘it is me you are asking, why I don’t call myself a Hindu. When one thinks about it, there seems to be no major reason why. One reason is that the Hindus don’t acknowledge me as a Hindu, and another is that the people who share my views on religion don’t identify themselves as Hindus.’
Sucharita was silent, lost in thought.
‘I have already told you,’ Poresh continued, ‘that these are not major reasons, merely outward ones. One can ignore such obstacles. But there is also an internal, deeper reason. There can be no entry into Hindu society. Or at least, there is no front gate, even if a backdoor exists. This community is not for the whole of humanity, it is only for those who happen to be born as Hindus.’
‘But that is true of every community,’ Sucharita protested.
‘No,’ insisted Poreshbabu, ‘it is not so with any major community. The gates of the Muslim community are open to the whole of humanity, and the Christian community also welcomes everyone. The same law applies to all communities belonging to the Christian world. If I want to become an Englishman, it would not be entirely impossible: by living in England and obeying their laws, I can gain entry into their society; I need not even become a Christian. Abhimanyu knew how to enter the battletrap but he did not know the way out. With Hindus it is the exact opposite. The way into their community is completely shut, but there are a hundred thousand ways out of it.’
‘All the same, Baba, the Hindu community has not declined to this day. It still survives.’
‘It takes time to sense the decline of a community,’ explained Poresh. ‘Before this, the backdoor to Hindu society was open. Non-Aryan people then felt a certain glory in entering the Hindu world. Later, during the days of Muslim rule, the Hindu kings and zamindars exerted considerable influence almost everywhere in the country, hence there was no limit to rules and restrictions against leaving the community easily. Now British rule offers everyone protection under the law, so it is no longer so easy to use such artificial means to guard the doors leading out of the community. That is why for some time we have seen a constant decline in the number of Hindus in Bharatvarsha, while the Muslim population increases. If this continues, the country will gradually develop a Muslim majority. Then it will be unjust to even call it Hindustan.’
‘Baba, shouldn’t we try to prev
ent it, all of us?’ cried Sucharita in distress. ‘Shall we too abandon the Hindu world and aggravate its decline? This is indeed the moment for us to cling to it with all our might.’
‘Can we keep someone alive at will, by clinging to him?’ said Poreshbabu, affectionately stroking Sucharita’s back. ‘To gain protection, there is a worldly law to be followed. One who rejects that natural law is naturally rejected in turn by everyone else. Hindu society insults people, excludes people, hence in today’s world it is becoming daily more difficult for it to protect itself. For it can no longer remain in seclusion, now that all roads to the world are open, and people from everywhere are coming into contact with the community. Now it cannot dam or fortify itself with the shastra-samhitas, to somehow shield itself from contact with everyone else. If the Hindu community does not foster within itself, even now, the power of conservation rather than the disease of decay, then this unchecked encounter with people from outside will become a lethal blow to its survival.’
‘I understand nothing of all this,’ declared Sucharita, in agony. ‘But if this is indeed true, I cannot bring myself to reject the community today when all of you are ready to abandon it. As its children born in times of need, we must now attend upon its sickbed.’
‘Ma, I shall say nothing to contradict the feelings that have arisen in your heart,’ Poreshbabu assured her. ‘Steady your mind with prayer, and judge everything by the truth, the ideal of greatness, that you carry within. Gradually everything will become clear to you. Don’t regard the greatest One as inferior to the nation or to any human being. That will not be beneficial for you or your nation. With this in view, I wish to surrender myself wholeheartedly to Him. Then I can easily remain true to the nation and to every human being.’
At this juncture, someone delivered Poreshbabu a letter.
‘I don’t have my glasses, and the light has waned,’ said Poreshbabu. ‘Please see what the letter says.’