“You can’t. Next topic or get the fuck out because frankly you’ve used up about all of my patience, and it’s probably best if you’re not around me right now.” I swear my anger must roll off me and slam into her, because she just stares with her mouth agape. “That’s what I thought. Thanks for the chat. Now if you’ll see yourself out…,” I say as I turn to the barely there closet where my suitcase is stowed to get some gym shorts, dismissing her and her surprised eyes.
“I’m sorry. I made a mistake.” My step falters at the contrition in her voice, causing me to turn to stare and wait for her to continue. The silence between us stretches, and I can tell that my gun sitting out in the open unnerves her by the way her eyes keep flickering to it. Does she agree with the brass? Think I’m losing it too? “Tanner…”
“You didn’t tell me you were fluent in Dari.” Screw waiting for her and her placating tone. I’m a man of action, and we need to get to the bottom of this right here, right now.
“You’ve been so busy holding a grudge against me, you didn’t care to ask.” She sets her camera down on the nightstand, and with her shield now gone, her posture changes and becomes more defensive.
“Don’t you think that’s something that was important for me to know?” I lean my hip against the edge of the dresser, but my eyes never leave hers. I’m trying to gauge her body language by her responses.
“Why didn’t you —”
“I’m the one asking the questions here. Not you.” I cut her off. I want answers, and I intend to get them. “Who are you working for?”
Her eyes widen slightly, and her brow narrows in confusion. “Worldwide News?” She answers hesitantly, drawing the words out as if asking me if it’s the correct answer.
“No. That’s who you’re pretending to work for. When you steal my story, who are you going to report for and take the glory for yourself?”
Surprise flickers across her face instantaneously at the same time as she starts shaking her head back and forth. “You’re a crazy asshole – you know that?” she says, voice rising as she steps toward me. “A neurotic, controlling one at that!”
“Get used to it, sweetheart!” I step into her space, welcoming the fight I see flashing in her eyes. “No one takes what I’ve busted my ass for, for themselves.”
“Certifiable!” she mutters with a roll of her eyes, and the simple action sets me off. Who the hell is she to question me when she’s the one trying to play me for the fool? “I screw up, and you think I’m trying to steal your story from a source I’ve never even met before?”
“Let’s add it all up, because one and one sure as fuck isn’t equaling two here.” I need to pace, work through the anger eating me from the inside out. The space in my room is small, but I manage to find a path. “You hit on me in the bar, we sleep together, but the next morning you swear that you didn’t know you were going to be assigned to me. Bullshit!” I cough the word out and hold up my hand to cut her off when she tries to argue. “You were freelance for how long before within the blink of an eye, my partner? Let me ask you… As a freelancer, were you a reporter, a photographer, or were you both? Why be just one when you can have it all, right?”
“Fuck you,” she spits out, and it takes everything I have not to be an even greater asshole than I’m already being and tell her, No, thanks. Been there, done that.
Just as she’s about to say something else, I continue. “Then you miraculously know I’m on a possible story… how? By the way I walked out of the lobby? I mean how the fuck did you know to follow me up to my room and ask? And then of course being the good guy that I am… I bring you with me where you proceed to spook the fuck out of my contact when you bust out in Dari, and then…” I turn to face her, and she steps back so that her shoulders are against the wall. I can tell she’s rattled, but I’m glad because I’ve learned that when you’re rattled, your true colors show, and I’m waiting for hers to light up this room like a damn rainbow. “And then you take his fucking picture? A man who is giving me information about high-level meetings of terror officials and you take his picture?” My voice escalates with each word as I take another step forward to where I’m so close I can feel the heat of her body in the space between us even though we’re not touching. “One and one is adding up to a whole bucket full of bullshit that seems a little hinky to me.”
We stare at each other, eyes locked, jaws clenched, anger emanating off us in invisible sparks in the space between us that I can’t see but can sure as hell feel. I’m so fixated on my spite and anger that she catches me off guard when she shoves against my chest to push me away from her. My hands close around her wrists and she tugs, only serving to bring us closer together.
“Let me go!” She struggles, but I hold tight.
“I want answers.” I grunt out in amusement because even though she’s so damn petite, she’s also quite strong, and holding her still takes some concerted effort.
“Like I said, fuck off.”
“It seems to me your mouth needs to be washed out with soap. Not real classy for a lady to keep repeating words like that.”
“Oh, I’m a whole lot of classy. I just reserve all my fucks for assholes like you who deserve them.”
“I deserve them if I’m wrong, and yet you are doing absolutely nothing to prove that point.” She tries again to yank her hands away, and I just grip tighter. We keep brushing into each other, the physicality of it all setting off every one of my body’s damn nerve endings. Still, I just want to tell them to shut up. I don’t want her. No way in hell.
Not now. Not ever again.
But damn it is a hard thing to ignore when heart rates pick up speed, bodies are inching closer, and muscles are tense.
I know a perfect way to get her to stop. “Look, if you’re into the whole rough thing, it’s not really my cup of tea, but I’m sure I could bend my ways for you.”
Bingo! She stops struggling immediately with a shocked expression on her flushed cheeks. She blinks her eyes rapidly as she processes what I’ve just said. “Ever heard of sexual harassment?”
With her wrists still in my hands, I lean in close enough so that I can hear her quick intake of air at my unexpected response. “I’m pretty sure we threw the idea of harassment out the damn window the moment we slept together and you walked out without a word… but please, feel free to call Rafe and explain how you were trying to get in good with me.”
She holds her own in the glare department in our visual standoff. I can see so many emotions swim behind her eyes, but it’s the one I don’t expect, vulnerability, that throws me off. “I’ll answer your questions. All of them. Just let me go.” Her voice is so quiet and unexpected in the midst of her feistiness that I slowly release her and step backward.
“Well?” It’s all I say because something about the look on her face causes me to shut my mouth.
She takes in a deep breath, steadying herself as she steps back from me so that her shoulders are flat against the wall. “I told you, I knew who you were. I mean who doesn’t know of Tanner Thomas?” She starts to ramble and speed up her speech but stops when I hold my hand up.
“I don’t want you to kiss my ass. I want the truth.” She has another think coming if she believes I’m going to let her off the hook with flattery.
“I’m serious.” She holds her hands up to emphasize her point. “I was in the bar celebrating having gotten a call for a job. Rumors were running all over the place about you, most of them saying that you had hopped ship over to CNN… so when Rafe called me, he didn’t specify anything other than to expect a text the next morning about when and where I’d meet my counterpart. I should have asked who he was teaming me up with, but I was just so damn glad to not be here on my own anymore… to actually be working for a company, that I didn’t ask.”
I don’t want to believe her but once again find myself falling under her undeniable pull. I’ve been there before, when the draw to report was so damn strong, I grabbed my video recorder and my passpor
t and took off to where the action was to try to make a name for myself. I can’t fault her for that if she did the same thing.
A small part of me admires her right now. Her determination to be here out of pure love to tell the story. A woman in this tough career and even rougher country.
“So are you a reporter or a photographer?” I cross my arms across my chest as if the motion will prevent me from letting my guard down too quickly with her.
“I’ve done both.” She looks into my eyes when she delivers the answer and doesn’t waver in her resolve. There are so many things I want to say to her, but I want her to finish her explanations first before I give her my two cents. “I went to Dartmouth and focused on Middle Eastern studies… learned Dari as something to make me more valuable in the job sector, but then in my final year I picked up a friend’s camera and fell in love with what life looked like through the lens. Shit started happening over here, and while my job with the local newspaper covering human interest stories was okay, it didn’t call to me like this did. I applied everywhere.” She shrugs as she sinks down and sits on the edge of my bed, eyes now concentrating on the nervous fidgeting of her fingers. “You know how it goes, though. Hundreds of applicants for a job that no one is giving up anytime soon. So I took matters into my own hands and started traveling and reporting freelance to try and build up a portfolio worthy enough to get me a job… and here I am.”
She looks up and her eyes find mine. I want to believe her and what I think I see in the emerald of them but am so damn leery of everyone that I can’t help but hold that close even now. Besides, for someone who wasn’t giving me any information before, her data dump of facts seems a little too convenient. Add to that she still hasn’t answered all of my questions.
I nod my head subtly as I digest her words, figuring out if I believe them wholeheartedly or not as her eyes flicker over my shoulder again, because certain things just don’t jive.
“I want to see your phone.” I hold my hand out as confusion flickers across her face, followed by her shaking her head from side to side as she tries to comprehend why I’m asking.
“Why?” She crosses her arms over her chest and lifts her chin in obstinacy.
“Because I want to see who you’re sharing information with.” I make the comment knowing full well I’d tell someone to go to hell if they asked the same of me. “Prove to me right now that you weren’t in the back of the cab texting someone the information.”
“Over my dead body. Who I text is none of your damn business,” she says, her tone even with each word.
“I beg to differ.”
“Differ all you want. This is a job, not a strip search, so if you have a problem with how I do it, talk to my boss.”
“Strip search? And I thought we were leaving sexual harassment off the table.” I can’t help the sarcastic comment. I’ll push her buttons all goddamn day if it ends up getting me the truth. “If you’re not texting anyone, then it shouldn’t be a problem to show me, right?” I step toward her, and she moves to put her hand on her back pocket where her phone is resting.
Fuck yes, I’m having an asshole moment here, but I hate that gut instinct that tells me there is something more to her explanation. It’s the same instinct I’ve used to make a career out of getting the story no one else can get.
The worst part is, though, whereas I’d expect someone to shout at the top of their lungs how crazy I am at the accusation, she just keeps her voice soft, unbelieving. I want fiery denials and someone who fights against me to prove that they’re lying to keep their cover. But she’s doing nothing of the sort, and it’s what I expected.
And I might live my life by the unexpected, but this time, I’m not too happy about it.
Beaux falls silent and just shakes her head. “Obviously you have trust issues. I’m not the one who screwed you over, and I refuse to stand here and have the shit verbally beaten out of me for whoever it was. You want another photographer? Call Rafe. You want to know why I took a picture of Omid? See for yourself.” She reaches for her camera and opens a little door on the side of it. She messes with something momentarily as I try to figure out what she’s doing.
When Beaux finishes, she looks me in the eye as she extends the memory card out to me. I refuse to take it, even though I’m curious because now I suddenly have a feeling that I’m going to end up being the royal prick when all is said and done. When I just hold her gaze, she purses her lips and gives a resigned sigh before walking back to the nightstand. She sets the card down and heads to the door, but stops before stepping through it.
“I quit.” She announces the words in a quiet whisper, but they reach across the distance and hit me like a sucker punch as she leaves.
So I stare at the closed door for a few moments, completely at a loss for words over how the day turned us from partners to fighting to this, completely disassociated. All things considered, I should be happy; I just got what I wanted. The temptress who played me for the fool is now gone, and I can continue as a one-man jack-of-all-trades.
So why do I not feel victorious? Why do I keep glancing at the memory card, wondering what it is she wants me to see?
Don’t do it, Tanner. Don’t walk into another one of her mind games by doing what she intentionally left for you to look at.
Screw that. And yet curiosity killed the damn cat. Fucking cats and their nine lives.
Chapter 8
“S
he – she quit?” Rafe’s stuttering tells me he’s displeased with the sequence of events. And of course he has every right to be. “Is it that hard to keep your asshole tendencies to a minimum? Fix this, Tanner.”
When I hear the dial tone in my ear, I don’t even flinch at the fact that he didn’t give me a chance to explain myself. Instead I’m transfixed by the photos on my computer screen. I keep the slide show running over the thirty or so pictures, mesmerized by what Beaux has captured in such a short time frame.
After I successfully ignored the memory card for most of the day, it sat there taunting me when I came back from my rooftop haven where I escaped into the memories there to calm down. And of course curiosity got the best of me, the need to know rooting itself into my thoughts until I couldn’t resist any longer. When I inserted the memory card into the computer, I was shocked when my own image looked back. At first I was pissed that she took pictures of me. It took me a few seconds to realize she snapped them yesterday from across the lobby when I was looking out the window lost in thought.
And the anger and outrage that I’d usually hold on to with my type A personality dissipates when I look at the pictures again. I can’t stay angry. She captured something in my eyes – more than just the expression on my face – that reflects everything I’m feeling inside but thought I was hiding so well: loneliness, anger, bitterness, grief, and temerity. You can’t escape the truth in your own reflection – and everything she’s drawn out through the curve of the lens hits me like an inescapable ton of bricks.
I can’t stop staring at my image, for the first time really comprehending how other people see me, and when I’m finally able to tear my eyes from the lines and shadows of pain and loss written all over my face, I click the next set of pictures. The images depict the daily aspects of life here that we saw on the way to the meet but in a unique perspective. Objects are crisp but people are blurred; yet the images tell a story about each person with such a definitive clarity, I’m overwhelmed. It’s eerie and beautiful and haunting and poignant all at the same time.
Each image is more compelling than the last. Each one holds my interest and engages my imagination. And it scares me that she can see through things so well, because that means she’s probably seeing everything that I’m trying to hide.
I proceed through those images, and when I come to the picture of Omid, I’m staggered once again. Chills chase over my flesh as I stare at his face close up and see the exact same thing in his eyes and expression that she captured in mine. Identical.
We ar
e two men with extremely different backgrounds and experiences in life, and yet it’s unmistakable how similar our stories are. I stare at his picture for quite some time, wondering what atrocities he has seen, what life-changing events he has experienced, and can’t help but feel ten times closer to this man whom I’ve only known from our limited forms of communication.
Clarity comes at me loud and clear: Beaux wasn’t trying to steal my damn story. She was trying to capture a moment in time that relays an entire encyclopedia’s worth of information in a single snap of her shutter.
For hours, I get lost in the images. Over and over I flip through them until I have to take a break, because you can only look at the truth staring you in the face so long before it becomes a sign of your own stupidity. Sighing, I lean back against the headboard and consider how I could possibly make this right. Because as hard as it is to admit, I was wrong. Beaux’s an incredible photographer.
No one will replace Stella, and I need to come to terms with that right now before I waste more time fighting something that’s not even in front of me. While Stella was an incredible photographer, she looked through her lens at the world in a different light than Beaux does. It feels silly to justify it this way, but it’s so true.
Now, I need to figure out how to eat some crow… served right alongside a dash of praise. Problem is the very notion sticks in my throat like a blob of peanut butter. No one likes to admit they misjudged someone.
Especially a man.
For a while I debate my options, but eventually I figure straightforward is the best way to go about this; the least painful of all routes. I suck it up, knowing I’ll need to go find her, but just as I close my laptop, my phone rings. The screen shows a random sequence of numbers that appears to be a satellite phone, which causes excitement to charge through me like a current, and I immediately pick up.
“Thomas here.”
“Tanner, it’s Sergeant Jones,” the rigid voice on the other end of the line says as my hopes rise higher.