Chapter 22
It was the second week of June, and Kelly’s body was finally returning to normal. She still felt weak, but the doctor said her body had done its job. She was no longer pregnant. Even though being pregnant and actually carrying the baby would have been the end of life as she knew it, a terrible sadness filled Kelly’s heart. Whether it was for the best or not, Kelly felt a loss. The affair was wrong, terribly wrong, but the connection she felt with Andrew, especially after finding out they had created a life together, was still painfully real. She had run into him a couple of times while shopping and they chatted for a few minutes, but Kelly couldn’t let herself be near him for too long. She felt as if her heart was being torn from her body. The CD Andrew had given her caused her to sob, but she frequently listened to it, allowing the tears to flow freely. Subconsciously, she felt the need to punish herself. And, even though it made no sense, she still longed for Andrew, and she couldn’t let go.
On June 14th, Kelly was reading a book and simultaneously watching television when her cell phone rang. She answered it on the third ring.
“Hey Kelly, it’s Andrew.”
“Hey,” Kelly said, trying to make her voice sound nonchalant. “What’s going on?”
Andrew sighed into the phone. “Well, I was reading the emails we have exchanged and thinking about the spring. I miss you. I really want to see you again.”
Kelly’s heart leaped in her chest, but she made herself take a few deep breaths before answering. “I’d like that. When do you want to get together?”
“How soon can you be here?” Andrew asked, chuckling.
“Well, Mike’s at work, and I don’t think I can find someone to watch the boys that quickly. Are you busy tonight?”
“Nope. What time?”
“How about 6:30? I’ll even bring us some supper.”
“Don’t worry about the supper.”
As Kelly hung up, she was conflicted. Her heart had been so heavy and convicted after the miscarriage. But the pull she felt toward Andrew was stronger than any conviction she felt. She needed to be with him. Loneliness had become her greatest companion. Turning back to her book, Kelly’s heart felt light. Then the cell phone rang again.
“Kelly, it’s Andrew again. I hate to do this, but I just can’t meet tonight. I know it’s wrong, and I just can’t do it. I’m sorry.”
Kelly was disappointed and, she had to admit, a little irritated. She felt a rollercoaster of emotions, but she kept her voice light. “No problem. I don’t want you to do anything that makes you uncomfortable.”
After they hung up, Kelly cried. She was acting like a fourteen-year-old. Having plans and then canceling them was worse than not hearing from Andrew at all. She needed to talk to him, to clear the air. She decided to put herself on the line one last time. This time she wasn’t looking for an intimate encounter. She just wanted to get things straightened out. Somewhere inside, she felt that their friendship was on the line; that was, if they had a friendship.
When Mike arrived home, Kelly told him that she would like to go out to dinner with Jenny and Megan. Mike was glad she was finally feeling better. He told her to take as long as liked and enjoy the time with friends. She felt sick; it was so easy to deceive Mike. When had she become so…evil?
Andrew’s bell rang at 6:45. He was getting ready to go out with a few friends at 7:30. He had made sure he had plans so that he wouldn’t change his mind and call Kelly. Andrew had also deleted every email they had ever sent back and forth, hoping that would quell any temptation he felt. When he answered the door, he was surprised to see Kelly standing on her doorstep.
“I promise I’m not here to seduce you. But I think we should talk.”
“I think so too,” Andrew said as he tucked in his shirt.
“Are you about to go somewhere?”
“In a little while. I have a few minutes.”
Kelly and Andrew sat on the couch. The two feet of cushion that separated them seemed like miles. “Andrew, I am sorry that all this has happened. I never meant for things to get so out of hand. I know you have felt pressure. I’m not sure what is wrong with me.”
“Nothing is wrong with you. Look, Kelly, I really feel badly about all this. I think when we got together; I may have led you on. I knew you had strong feelings for me. I never should have let it go on for so long. And being together again will just make it harder for both of us.”
“So we go back to being friends? Or is that even possible?”
“I really want us to be friends, Kelly. You are important to me. But I am going to leave that up to you.”
Kelly thought for a second; she was desperate, needing someone, anyone. She decided to tell a lie that put her heart at risk. “You didn’t lead me on, Andrew. I may have given you the wrong impression too. Even though I care about you, I knew this could never be permanent. You’re good friend, and I hope this doesn’t sound selfish, but you met a need that has gone unmet for over a year. It’s still not there, and it probably never will be. To be honest, the frustration gets so high sometimes. We women in our late thirties have lots of...hormones.” Kelly tried to smile.
Andrew thought for a moment, and then he smiled at her. “Well, if you really don’t have the kind of feelings for me that could hurt you, I’d love to help you out,” he smiled. “Unfortunately, I am supposed to eat with friends in about a half hour, and I can’t call them and cancel without creating suspicion.”
“Well,” Kelly smiled flirtatiously. “You got any time tomorrow to help me out?”
“I can probably make myself free tomorrow night. Call me after dinner.”
“Okay,” Kelly said. “Listen, I’d better get out of here before your friends come. See you tomorrow.” Before leaving, she pulled Andrew to her and gave him a kiss that was suggestive of things to come. Since her talk with Andrew had been brief, Kelly decided to do some shopping; she hadn’t done that in a while. She went to the local dress shop and found a couple of great bargains. On her way home, Andrew called her cell.
“My friends ended up calling to ask me to wait an hour. Too bad that didn’t happen while you were here. Tomorrow seems too far away.”
“Oh, well. Patience is a good thing,” Kelly laughed.
Mike had decided to take the afternoon off the following day, so Kelly didn’t have to try to find a sitter. At 6:30, she announced that she was going to do some shopping for summer clothes for the kids. She drove to the fast food restaurant parking lot a few blocks down from Andrew’s apartment and called him. “Hey, what you up to?”
“Not much,” Andrew replied. “You?”
“Oh well, just wondering if you still want some company.”
Andrew was silent for a moment. “Kelly, I am so sorry to do this again. But I thought about it a lot last night. I just can’t. I can’t justify it. I want to, but I just can’t”
Kelly’s heart fell again, but she acted casual. “No problem. I understand. I was feeling a little wrong about it too,” she lied. “You know what? Maybe we should go back to just being non-benefit friends.”
“Sounds like a good idea. I’m glad you understand.”
“Don’t mention it. I’m going to get some summer clothes for the kids. Talk to you later.”
Tears didn’t come, but Kelly felt heavy. Her mind was swirling. There was relief that she hadn’t made another mistake. There was disappointment that she wasn’t going to have the affection she needed. There was the knowledge that another bit of time together would make it harder to rid her heart of the feelings she had for Andrew. She decided to clear her mind and concentrate on her shopping. But the whispers dogged her every step as she walked through the mall.
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins. Your word have I hidden in my heart, that I might not sin against you. No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful, wh
o will not allow you to be tempting beyond what you can bear; but He will provide a way of escape that you may be able to bear up under it. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of you mind….
Verse after verse came at Kelly in her dreams that night. She felt as if she was losing her mind. The driving, restless energy was back, stealing her sleep and compelling her to move, to talk. She was aware that she was becoming overbearing, irritable. The roller coaster of emotion was more than she could take. She just couldn’t do it anymore. Was it the antidepressant? Was it the mitral valve prolapse? What could be wrong with her? A visit to the doctor was definitely in order.
The next day, Kelly was sitting in a doctor’s office again, wondering why her body seemed to be rebelling against her. Her knees juggled and she looked through a magazine, anything to occupy her racing mind. Waiting for her name to be called was driving her to distraction. It had only been ten minutes, but it felt like an eternity. Finally, a nurse came to the door and said, “Kelly Bowling.”
The nurse weighed her, took her blood pressure, and asked her what her symptoms were. Kelly told her about the changing moods, the exhausting drive, the dark sadness, and the continual roller coaster that had drained her for nearly a year. Then she was lead to an examination room where she waited again. Feeling restless, she paced around the room, looking at the charts and reading the information on the walls.
“Well, Kelly,” the doctor said as he entered and closed to door. “The nurse tells me you’ve been bouncing from mood to mood.
Once again, Kelly recounted the symptoms that were worrying her. Then, wanting to be completely honest and knowing she was protected by the confidentiality, she told him about her marriage, her fears, and her affair. The doctor left for a moment and came in with a clipboard.
“Kelly, I am going to give you these questionnaires, and I want you to rate yourself and your moods. When you are done, we will discuss them. I’ll be back in a few minutes.”
The surveys were full of questions about her sleep patterns, her feelings, and her behaviors. As she looked down the list, she realized that she had almost every symptom on the list, that she had for some time. On a scale of one to four, she marked three or four for each statement.
Dr. Little came back in and looked over her questions. Then he asked her several questions about her family history, her early adulthood, and her overall moods. After a barrage of questions, he laid down his clipboard and scooted closer to her.
“Kelly, based on what you have told me, I believe I may know what is wrong. Have you ever heard of bipolar disorder?”
Kelly’s throat went dry. “Is that like manic depression?”
“Yes it is. Bipolar is what it is called now. You have the classic symptoms.”
“Why is it so bad now? I have never felt this bad before.”
“Sometimes when someone with underlying bipolar takes antidepressants, it triggers a manic episode. Your manic symptoms became very pronounced a few weeks after you started taking antidepressants. I am sure that you have bipolar disorder.”
Tears filled Kelly’s eyes. “What can I do about it?”
“I’m going to take you off of your current antidepressant and begin giving you a drug called Seroquel. I’ll give you a sample dose pack. The dosage gradually increases from 25 milligrams to 100 milligrams. I want you to make an appointment to come back in three weeks to see how you are doing.”
With a bag of medicine and an appointment card, Kelly left the doctor’s office. She still felt numb. It was somewhat of a relief to know what had been wrong with her all these months. But being told she had an actual mental illness was a devastating blow. What would her family say? What would her church say? She decided that only her immediate family would know. She was afraid of what others’ reactions would be, afraid that her friends would shy away from her. Just like her adultery and her miscarriage, her illness would be a closely guarded secret.