Chapter 23
It was July, and the mania was gone. The Seroquel made Kelly drowsy, and that meant better sleep. The rest helped her body restore itself, and Kelly began to feel some sense of normalcy for the first time in a long while. The only thing that hadn’t changed was the incessant whispering of the Holy Spirit. The events of the first part of the summer had left Kelly broken, and God was using that brokenness to draw her back to Himself. For the first time in nearly a year, Kelly allowed herself to consider the truth of God’s whispers. However, something in her still resisted, rebelled. She couldn’t let go of the memories of her time with Andrew and the inward connection she still felt with him. The words of a keynote speaker at one of the youth retreats she attended burned in her memory. He had told the teenagers that God had created sex for several purposes: procreation, enjoyment between a husband and wife, and that one-flesh bond that connects them. He explained that when two people come together, that connection occurs. And, in order to break it, a little of oneself had to be lost. That was one of the reasons that it was so important to wait for marriage. No one wanted their heart spread among several people. Kelly understood now what the speaker had been trying to say. She had taken a gift from God and experienced in a way that was not His will, and now her heart was torn. But still she felt divided between the memories and the need to repent.
Resistance to God’s voice was taking its toll. Kelly’s heart became heavier and heavier. A deep sadness engulfed her. Her heart was split between hanging on to the experience and finally surrendering. She couldn’t choose even though she knew she had to.
On a Saturday near the end of July, the answer came in the simplest of ways. Kelly was on her way to the grocery store listening to a new CD. A song began playing that pierced the hardness of Kelly’s heart:
We’ve hidden all our failings, hoping God will never see,
And still his mercy reaches past
To break our chains and make us free
Kelly’s heart began to cry out, the truth finally thawing the coldness in her soul.
Return to him, fall into his waiting arms,
Finally laying down your broken heart.
Kelly began to crumble. She drove into the Kroger parking lot, and once again she found herself locked in a car, sobbing from somewhere deep inside her being. She couldn’t do this, couldn’t go through it alone. So she called a friend she hadn’t talked to in months. She called Karen. Karen was five years older than Kelly. She was open and godly and real. Karen was the only friend she had who would tell her the truth in love no matter what
“Hello,” Karen answered the phone on the third ring.
“Hi, Karen, it’s Kelly.”
“Hey, stranger, it’s good to hear your voice. What’s new?”
Kelly tried to answer. Instead, fresh tears came, and a small sob escaped.
“What’s wrong Kelly?” Karen voice was filled with concern.
“Karen,” Kelly managed to choke out, “I need h-h-help. I need someone to talk to.” She broke down again.
Karen spoke softly. “It’s okay. I’m here to listen. Take your time. Cry it out if you need to. I’ll stay on the line.”
For a few minutes, Kelly continued to cry. She fought to regain her composure. “Karen, I have to tell someone. It’s so horrible. I’m so horrible.”
“Slow down, Kelly. You are not horrible. No matter what has happened, you are not horrible.”
With that, Kelly spilled the entire story: the moodiness, the anger at Mike, the diagnosis, and, finally, the affair.
Karen was silent for a moment. “Kelly, God loves you. Nothing ever changes that. In your heart you must know that. Does Mike know about the affair?”
“No,” Kelly whispered. “I can’t tell to tell him. It would crush him. I can’t do that to him.
“Kelly, I’m going to tell you this because I love you. You need to tell Mike. God cannot truly work in your life or your marriage until you confess to Him and to your husband. You have already hurt him – you had an affair. This will eat you away if you don’t come clean.
Kelly began to cry softly. Then she said shakily, “I’m so afraid of what will happen.”
“Oh, Kelly…I can’t imagine how hard this is for you.” There were tears in Karen’s voice. “I’ll help you however you need me to. I’ll watch the kids, I’ll be with you when you tell him, I’ll pray.”
“I need to think. I’m not ignoring what you said. My mind is so jumbled. I have to think all through all of this.”
“And pray, Kelly. Don’t forget to pray.”
“How can I pray after all I have done? How can I ask God for help?”
“God’s love is everlasting. You’re His child, Kelly. He’s waiting for you to come to Him.”
Kelly sighed. “Thanks you so much, Karen. I’ll think about what you said, and I’ll pray. Please pray for me.”
“I will. Love you, Kelly.”
“You too,” Kelly said. She dried her eyes, wiped her face, and went into Kroger to buy groceries.
Karen’s words haunted Kelly throughout the day and into the night. She thought about the truth of what Kelly said. The thought of telling Mike terrified her. He would never forgive her. She had known Mike since college. When someone let him down, he rarely forgot. It wasn’t that he carried a grudge exactly. But forgiveness was hard for him. If those people couldn’t be forgiven, how could she? Exhausted and desperate, she finally cried out to God.
“God, I have no right to talk to you. I have done so many terrible things. I’ve sinned against you; I’ve sinned against my family. I need your help. Karen says I should confess the affair to Mike. Thought of him knowing…I don’t know what to do, Lord. Please help me, please.” She held her breath and waited for an answer.
Confess your sins to one another…the truth shall set you free…
Kelly trembled at the thought of telling Mike what she had done, but for the first time, she was more afraid of what would become of her life if she didn’t. She had her answer; and even in the midst of her fear, she knew that telling Mike would be an act of obedience to God. Kelly fell asleep praying, asking God for the strength to do what she needed to do.
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me…my God shall supply all your needs according to his riches in glory…Be anxious for nothing…From whence cometh my help? My help comes from the Lord…
Even as she slept, God’s words swept over her, giving her the smallest glimpse of peace. The next morning, after Mike had left for work, Kelly called Karen.
“Karen, its Kelly.”
“Kelly, I was just praying for you. You were on my heart all night.”
“God heard your prayers, Karen. And mine. I know I have to tell Mike. I have to tell him tonight, before I am too afraid to follow through with my promise.”
“Is there anything, anything at all that I can do to help, Kelly? What do you need?”
“Could you watch the kids at your house? They can’t be here when I talk to Mike.”
“Yes, of course. Bring them over whenever you need to. I’ll keep them here as long as you need me to. If they need to, they can spend the night.”
Kelly began to cry softly. “Thank you so much. I’m so afraid, so afraid I won’t be able to do this.”
“Kelly, could I pray for you right now?”
“Please,” Kelly whispered hoarsely.
“Lord Jesus, I come to you on behalf of Kelly. Please wrap your arms around her and give her reassurance that she is doing your will. She is so afraid, Lord. Please comfort her and give her peace. Help her to have the words to say when she talks to Mike. Please soften his heart and help him to be able to forgive Kelly. Help them both Lord. Strengthen them. Help them to feel your love and presence tonight. Do a miracle in their hearts and in their marriage. In Jesus’ name, amen.”
Kelly thanked Karen again and hu
ng up the phone. While Karen was praying for her, Kelly had felt better. But now, sitting on the couch, she felt a dread settle over her. She would tell Mike, but before she did, she knew there was a phone call she needed to make. Shakily, she dialed the number.
“Hey, this is Andrew.”
“Andrew, it’s Kelly.”
“Kelly, how are you? I haven’t heard from you in a while. What going on?”
“Andrew, there’s something I need to tell you, and it won’t be easy to hear. You may be angry with me, and I don’t blame you. But God has gotten hold of my heart, and I have to obey him.”
“What is it, Kelly? Whatever it is, you can tell me.”
Kelly paused, fighting the urge to cry. “The guilt is weighing so heavy on me. No matter how bad my marriage to Mike may have gotten, he is still my husband, and I need to learn to love him the way God wants me to. I want God to restore our marriage, and there is something I have to do if that is going to happen.”
Andrew was silent for a moment, and then he sighed a deep sigh. “You’re going to tell him, aren’t you?”
“I have to. I have cried and thought and prayed about this. I will never be able to be close to Mike with this thing between us, this huge, awful secret.”
“Are you going to tell him who?”
“I don’t know. But Andrew, if he asks, I will tell him the truth. I’m so sorry. So sorry I pursued you, so sorry for what we did, so sorry that I am breaking our confidence.”
“Kelly, I understand. I want you to be able to fix your marriage if you can. I guess I should have known that we couldn’t make that kind of mistake and not have some consequences.”
“Thanks for understanding. Listen, I shouldn’t talk too long.”
“Kelly, I’m sorry too. No matter what you told me, I think I knew you had feelings for me. I am sorry if I hurt you.”
Suddenly, Kelly wanted him to know about the miscarriage. She thought he needed to know. “Andrew, there’s something else I think need to say, something that might explain why I have had such a hard time. I don’t really know how to say it.”
“Does it really need to be said?” Andrew asked. There was anxiety in his voice; it was obvious he didn’t want to hear what she had to say.
Kelly thought for a moment and then changed her mind. Knowing about the pregnancy wouldn’t change anything. “No, I guess it really doesn’t. Goodbye Andrew.”
“Maybe we can be friends in time. Not right away. A few years ago another friend and I did something pretty awful. It took a year, but we finally became friends again. Maybe that can happen with us.”
“Maybe so,” Kelly said, even though she knew that would never happen. Mike would never want her to see Andrew again. “Well, take care.” And she hung up the phone.