Chapter 25
Kelly was drowning. It was the middle of the week, and she didn’t know how she could continue with work and life and regret. Each morning Kelly didn’t think she could face going to work, but she had no choice. She was shrouded in a terrible darkness. Placing her head on her desk that Wednesday, she let her body go limp and allowed the despair to settle over her. There were no tears, only an aching emptiness. Though none of her colleagues knew, Kelly felt like Hester Prynne in Nathaniel Hawthorne’s classic; she felt as if she had a scarlet “A” on her chest.
Sitting there alone in her office, a realization began to take root in Kelly’s mind. She didn’t have the strength for this: the guilt, the darkness, and the chore of continuing her life. She was so tired, more tired than she had ever been in her life. She needed peace. She needed it to end. And so a plan began to take form. Kelly’s prescription for Seroquel was running low; she could probably get the next refill. If she worked late, she could finish the assignments she had been given. There was a hotel on the way to Roswell, a small one that Mike had probably never noticed. Kelly could leave on a Saturday, saying she was going to the grocery store, but instead she would drive to the hotel. After she checked in, she would lock the door, unplug the phone, turn on the television, and take the entire bottle of Seroquel. By the time the maid managed to get in the next day, it would be over. And if she did it at a hotel, her family wouldn’t have to be the ones to discover her body.
Kelly mulled over her plan, finding comfort in the promise of relief for her pain. All she needed to do was complete it would be to write several notes: one to Mike and the boys, one to each of their families, and one to Andrew. The letter to Andrew would be the most difficult because Mike was checking her email regularly. How would she send it to him? She thought. Of course! She could place it on his desk before she left work. Kelly typed the letter on her computer, printed it, deleted it, and then emptied her recycle bin. She placed it in an envelope wrote Andrew’s name on the outside. On her way out of the offices, she slipped into Andrew’s office and placed the envelope on his computer keyboard. She wasn’t concerned about Mike finding out; she had made it very clear to Andrew in the letter that she was terrified of what Mike would do if Mike found out she had written to Andrew. All of this took place on Wednesday afternoon.
Kelly spent most of the day in her office on Thursday. She wasn’t sure if Andrew had ready her letter yet, and she hoped that she wouldn’t be around when he did. She spent the day preparing all of the things she had to do for the next couple of weeks. Just in case she went forward with her plan, someone else would be able to step in and easily pick up where she had left off. She tried everything possible to keep her mind occupied so that she wouldn’t think about what was coming after work – the dreaded doctor’s appointment
One of the things that Mike had asked her to do was to get tested for sexually transmitted diseases. It was something he had every right to ask, but Kelly still felt dirty, and she dreaded telling her doctor. Kelly slipped out of the office so that she could be on time for her 3:15 appointment. She picked up the boys early because their teacher had somewhere she needed to go that afternoon. The doctor was behind in seeing patients, so Kelly sat there for forty-five minutes, her boys contently playing their handheld games. Finally, Kelly’s name was called, and she braced herself to tell the doctor.
He listened quietly and then told her that he needed to take some blood and to examine her. Kelly could see the pity on his face. The nurse’s face reflected the same pity as she took Kelly’s blood and observed as the doctor examined her. Kelly was so humiliated; she felt like a prostitute. The doctor sent her away with a pat on the shoulder and reassurance of speedy test results. Once Kelly got to the car, she blinked back her tears and called Mike for moral support.
“Hello,” Mike said his voice heavy.
“I’m on my way home from the doctor, Mike. It was pretty awful, but they should have the results soon.”
Mike didn’t respond.
“Mike, are you okay? You seem a little strange.”
“Have you written any letters lately?”
Kelly felt a moment of panic, and then she lied. “I don’t understand, Mike. I don’t know what you are talking about.”
“Then why did I just get an email from Andrew telling me you had written him a letter?”
Kelly felt as if she was falling. Her mouth was dry and she felt dizzy. She didn’t know what to say, how to answer. After a full minute of silence, Mike slammed down the phone. Kelly drove around with the boys in the back seat, trying to figure out what she should do. She called Mike again, and he answered on the fourth ring.
“What do you want?!” he asked. He uttered an expletive and hung up again.
After driving around for several more minutes, Kelly pulled into a drugstore parking lot. Her whole body was shaking. She was afraid to go home, afraid of what Mike might do. She jumped when her cell phone range.
“Where are you?” Mike’s voice was low and controlled.
“I’m sitting in the CVS parking lot.”
“Come home,” Mike said through clenched teeth. “Now.”
Kelly’s voice broke. “I’m - I’m afraid to come home.”
“I really don’t care. Come home now or I’m gone. My bags are packed.”
“But…what will you do? What’s going to happen?”
“Get here now, or me leaving is what’s going to happen!” Mike shouted.
So Kelly drove toward home. The boys were in the car, and she had nowhere else to go – at least not yet. As soon as Kelly, Mikey, and Sam walked through the door, Mike said, “Boys, stay in your room and play video games. Your mom and I need to talk.” The boys exchanged worried glances and did as he said.
Kelly sat on the edge of the chair farthest from Mike. She hugged her purse to her chest and looked at the floor, she couldn’t look at Mike. She felt the weight of his anger even before he spoke. She felt a twinge of anger herself. Not at Mike, but at Andrew. She couldn’t believe that he had told Mike after she had made it clear how afraid she was? Did he enjoy the thought of Mike’s wrath; did he really hate her that much?
“Why? Why after I asked you not to, after you promised me you wouldn’t?”
“I’m sorry Mike. I needed…I needed to apologize to Andrew. Needed to let him know it was all my fault.”
“So what you’re saying is, telling Andrew how you felt was more important than keeping your promise to me.”
“No, I didn’t want to break it…I just…I just needed to close things up.”
“Well, your little plan didn’t work. Andrew didn’t take your letter too well.”
“What did he say?”
“Let me read it to you,” Mike chuckled. “Here it is: ‘Mike, thank you for doing as I asked and not contacting me. I received a letter from your wife today. She can tell you about the contents. Please ask you wife not to contact me again. Andrew’” Mike looked at Kelly triumphantly.
Kelly felt sick. “Your wife,” Andrew had said. He wouldn’t even say her name. He hated her just like Mike hated her, just like their families hated her. She couldn’t survive all that hate, even if she deserved it. She made the final decision sitting on the edge of the chair. It was Thursday. She would find a way to make it through Friday. Then she would go to the hotel on Saturday and free all of the people she had hurt. Her demeanor changed in that moment. In light of this decision, Kelly was able to look at Mike and remain calm.
“I can’t trust you, Kelly. You betrayed me by sleeping with another man, and then you contacted him after you promised not to. What’s worse, I asked you directly and you lied to me. Are you really repentant? Are you in love with him? Do you even care if we stay together?”
Mike’s barrage of questions didn’t disrupt the calmness that had settled over her. It would end soon. He could go on, and her pain would be over. “
I am sorry Mike. No, I am not in love with Andrew. I don’t want Andrew. I want you to be better, to be free of this hurt I have caused you. I want everyone to be free of the hurt I caused.”
Mike looked at her intently. How could she be so calm after she had just betrayed him again? There was something wrong. Kelly seemed too calm, almost resigned. “Kelly, what are you thinking?”
“Nothing. I just want to make things right. I want you and the kids to be happy. You deserve better than this. I know what has to be done. I just need to do it.”
Mike looked puzzled, and then a realization began to dawn on him. “Kelly, where is your new prescription?”
“What do you mean?” Kelly asked, trying not to let her expression or body language betray her.
“Answer my question. Where are the pills?”
Kelly couldn’t answer; she looked at the floor again. In an instant, Mike grabbed her keys from the coffee table and ran outside. Kelly didn’t move. He came back in with a pharmacy bag. “Kelly, what are you doing? What is this?”
Kelly didn’t answer for a moment. Then she raised her head with tears in her eyes. “I just want to stop hurting everyone…”
“And you’re going to kill yourself? You think that will stop you from hurting everyone?”
Kelly began to cry. It was all falling apart, her marriage, her sanity, her plan to end the suffering. Why wasn’t she allowed to end the pain?
“I’m calling the doctor now,” Mike said. Kelly heard him in the next room. “Dr. Little, Kelly had a stash of pills under her seat. She has been depressed over our problems, and she says that she wants to end our pain. I think she is suicidal… Yes, I’ll put her on the phone.” Mike handed her the phone. “Please talk to him, Kelly.”
“Kelly,” Dr. Little asked her gently. “Have you been thinking about harming yourself?” Kelly began sobbing so hard that couldn’t answer. “Kelly, Mike thinks you have a plan to kill yourself. Tell me the truth. Is this something you have been planning?”
Kelly continued to sob, her cries echoing through the house. “I just want it to end. I can’t do it. I can’t stand to keep hurting everyone.”
“Don’t you think that harming yourself will hurt them too?”
“No, not after the shock. They will be so much better. And I can have peace. I am so tired, so awful.”
“Kelly, what else did you do besides hide your pills? Did you make any other plans?”
With the doctor’s coaxing, Kelly spilled her plan, the paperwork, the letters she would write, and the hotel. As Mike listened to her talk to the doctor, he fell onto the couch and put his head in his hands.
“Kelly, I think that Mike needs to take you to the emergency room. Are you willing to go to the emergency room?”
“I don’t know.”
“Could you put Mike back on the phone?” She handed the phone to Mike. “Mike, it’s Dr. little. I am very concerned about Kelly. I have asked her to go to the emergency room. She doesn’t know if she wants to do this, but I think it’s important that she gets help immediately. Do you think you can convince her?”
Mike put the phone down and slid to his knees beside Kelly where she lay crumpled on the floor. “Please, Kelly. Please don’t do this. Please let me take you to the emergency room. I don’t want to lose you,” Mike choked out. He put his arms around Kelly and pulled her to him, holding her tightly.
Primal, inhuman cries came from deep inside Kelly. She shook furiously, clinging to Mike for dear life. Finally, she nodded, and went limp in Mike’s arms. Mike picked up the phone. “She says she’ll go.”
“I’ll meet you all there.”
Mike placed Kelly on the couch and covered her with a blanket. She continued to cry softly. He called Karen and asked her to come over to watch the kids; told Karen that Kelly was suicidal. Within minutes, Karen was at the door. “Thank you Karen,” Mike said. His face looked haggard, and fear haunted his eyes. “I’ll tell the kids we have to go somewhere for a while. Would you stay with Kelly?”
Mike went back to the boys’ room. “Mikey, Sam, Mommy is feeling really sick, and I am going to take her to the hospital.”
Mikey’s eyes grew large. “Is Mommy going to die?”
“No, Mikey, Mommy is not going to die. We are taking her to the hospital so she can get all better. Mrs. Karen is going to baby-sit you while we are seeing the doctor.”
Karen sat on the couch beside Kelly and took her hand. Kelly looked up at her, tears sliding down her face. Karen’s heart broke. Kelly’s eyes looked dead from pain. As Kelly continued to cry, Karen whispered to her, “Shhh. It’s going to be okay. God loves you. He will wrap His arms around you right now. We all love you; we all need you, all of us.”
Mike helped Kelly into the car. He drove faster than usual, feeling urgency to get Kelly somewhere where she would be safe from herself. Kelly stopped crying and laid her head against the window. She looked as if she was slowly dying inside. Her face was slack, and when Mike took her hand, it was cold and lifeless. He pressed the pedal harder, begging God to help them, to keep Kelly safe.
Dr. Little was already there when Kelly and Mike arrived. He had a wheelchair ready, and Mike helped Kelly sit in it. She stared blankly ahead as they took her to triage. The nurse took her blood pressure, pulse, and temperature. “Now, Mrs. Bowling, can you tell me what happened today?”
Kelly wanted to talk, but no words would come. She was paralyzed. She looked at Mike with hollow eyes, willing him to understand.
“Well, Kelly was recently diagnosed with Bipolar. She had a manic episode in April, and while she was manic…she had an affair with a coworker. We’ve, well, we’ve had a hard time since she told me a couple of weeks ago. I knew that Kelly was depressed. All sorts of things seemed to just collide today. I found some pills under her seat, and she had planned lessons and begun writing letters to people. She had a plan to go to a hotel and take all the pills. I’ve never seen her like this.”
The nurse made notes, spoke to the attending physician, and Kelly and Mike were led to a small room. There was an examination table stripped of the instruments, stirrups, and other paraphernalia. The table had no sheet and no pillow. There was a folding chair, but there was no other furniture or items in the room. Kelly climbed up onto the bed and immediately brought her knees to her chin and held them tightly. She lay there, facing the wall, her eyes unblinking. Mike stood and rubbed her back, but it was if she couldn’t feel his hand. “Oh Kelly, did you really think this was the only answer? How could you think this was best for us? Me, the kids, our families, even your colleagues…they would be devastated if anything happened to you.”
Kelly didn’t answer; she couldn’t answer. She had sinned; she had brought this on herself; she deserved God’s judgment and the consequences of her terrible choices. She didn’t deserve to live, and life was too painful. The only thing that she could think was that she should have never let Mike find the pills. And she never should have mailed that letter to Andrew. Maybe if she lay still long enough, she would disappear.
Kelly noticed that the room was very sparse. No bedding, no extra furniture, no needle receptacle. In two corners there were rounded mirrors. Mike followed her eyes and looked at the mirrors. “Those are cameras, Kelly. This room is designed to protect people who are suicidal and to make sure they don’t harm themselves. That’s why there’s no bedding and the table has been stripped down, so you’ll have nothing to use to kill yourself.” He pulled his chair closer and stroked her hair. As he did so, Kelly remembered a dream she had had over and over during the summer. In the dream, someone was stroking her hair while she slept. But every time she tried to awake, the face would disappear. She couldn’t see who it was. And for some reason, this memory made her cry softly. “That’s it,” Mike said. “Cry if you need to.”
The attending physician called Mike out into the hall. Kelly couldn?
??t tell what she was saying, but she didn’t really care. Finally Mike and the doctor came back into the room.
“Kelly, I’m Dr. Camden. So you have been very depressed?” Kelly nodded. “Your husband says that you had a brief affair and that you just told him. He also said you were recently diagnosed with bipolar?” Again, Kelly nodded without looking at the doctor. Then the doctor turned to Mike. “Could we speak in the hall for a few minutes?”
As she lay in the small, sterile room, Kelly was vaguely aware of the doctor’s conversation with Mike. Words like “suicidal,” “hospital,” and “admittance,” floated across the fog of darkness and into her thoughts. In a corner of her mind, Kelly cried out, protesting the thought of being admitted to the psychiatric ward of a hospital. However, she couldn’t feel the fear of being a patient enough to express it. She couldn’t feel the sadness, the despair, the anxiety that crowded around her. The remorse she felt over her actions, the anger she felt at Andrew, and the sorrow she felt in the knowledge that she had hurt Mike so deeply, became abstract and disconnected. The only emotion she could feel was the crushing disappointment that she wouldn’t be allowed to die.
“Kelly, can you hear me?” Mike placed his hand on Kelly’s shoulder. She turned over quietly and looked at him. “Kelly, we need to talk about the hospital. The doctor wants to admit you; they have a bed available. I think it’s the best thing. I am so afraid you are going to do something…something to harm yourself.” Mike’s voice shook on the last phrase.
Kelly’s heart lurched at the sight of Mike’s face, so filled with pain and desperate worry. But she knew Mike was right. If she left the hospital, Kelly would kill herself. And even though what Kelly wanted more than anything was to die, she saw in Mike’s eyes just how much pain it would cause the people she loved. So she nodded and rested her face on Mike’s hand.
“Kelly,” Doctor Camden said, “We’re going to move you upstairs, and a nurse will give you something to help you sleep and get you settled into a room.” He looked at Mike. “Would you like to ride up with her?”
Before Mike could answer, Kelly shook her head emphatically. “I don’t want you to go up there. I don’t want you to see me there.”
Mike looked hurt, but he nodded and kissed Kelly on the hand and on the cheek. “I’ll see you as soon as I can.”
The elevator opened then, and Dr. Camden handed Kelly over to a nurse who looked kind and concerned. As the elevator door closed, Kelly looked away from Mike and allowed silent tears to slide down her face.
As Mike drove home, he felt a deep heaviness; his wife, in the psychiatric ward of a hospital. He walked into the house and told Karen that Kelly had been admitted. She gave Mike a quick hug and exited the house quietly. Mike put the kids to bed, hugged them tightly, and sat in silence on the couch. Once it was clear they were asleep, Mike fell to the floor beside the bed and sobbed. He was too broken to utter a prayer, but from somewhere deep in his soul, he cried out to God to save them both from this hell they were in.