Chapter 24
Mike walked in the door at 5:15. The boys had been at Kathy’s since 4:30, and Kelly had spent most of that time praying. She had put a casserole in the oven, and it was ready when Mike got home. She knew he needed time to eat and unwind and decompress from a long day’s work. Even though her heart was jumping around and she wanted to get the awful task over with, she gave Mike the time he needed.
As he ate, Mike told her about some new developments in the business. He was being given the opportunity to expand, and grew excited as he continued to talk about the possibilities. Kelly was happy for him, but the longer he talked, the greater her anxiety became. He finally lost steam and began flipping through the channels on the television. Kelly took a deep breath and began.
"Mike, can I talk to you for a few minutes? I really need to talk about something.”
Mike looked concerned. “What’s wrong, Kelly? Are you sick? Is there something wrong with your medicine?”
“No, nothing like that. It’s a long story, and it’s really hard to say…”
“Tell me Kelly.”
“Well, I have this friend. Just an acquaintance for a while. But we started spending more time together. We had a lot in common. We ended up starting to feel attracted to each other. Then, last spring, we…” She felt powerless to continue.
“Kelly, did you have an affair?”
“Yes, I did. I am so sorry. I have sinned against God and you. I won’t blame you if you hate me or if you walk out that door. I can’t believe I did this to you.”
Mike paused for a moment. “It was Andrew, wasn’t it?”
Kelly looked up. She guessed she shouldn’t have been surprised that he knew. Andrew was really the only person it could be. “Yes, it was.”
“How long, Kelly? How long did it last?”
“A month or so.”
Mike closed his eyes for a moment. “I was always afraid this would happen, especially the past couple of years. I knew that something like this would eventually happen. And I suspected that Andrew was attracted to you. I think I even remember telling you that.”
“I know, but I didn’t believe it then. I just thought you were paranoid. I’m still not sure it was true that long ago. But the main thing is I did this horrible thing. I am so afraid you will leave me, but I know I can’t expect you to stay.”
Mike was silent for a moment, and she knew he was crying. He asked her a few questions, and she began feeling as if she was living a dream, a nightmare. She pulled her knees up and wrapped her arms tightly around them. She wanted to cry, but she was too numb. Then something amazing happened. Mike reached out and pulled him over to his side of the couch. He put his arms around her and laid her head on his shoulder.
Kelly began to cry softly. She had devastated Mike, betrayed him in the worst way, and he was comforting her? How could she have doubted him all this time? How could she have thrown away their marriage in exchange for something so meaningless and empty? Her heart was breaking all over again, and she knew Mike’s was as well. They sat like that for a long time. Mike asked her a few more questions, but he seemed too numb and drained to react much.
“Where are the kids, Kelly?”
“They are at Karen’s house. I didn’t want them to be here when I told you.”
“How long have they been there?”
“I dropped them off at 4:30.”
“Well,” Mike sighed. “It’s almost 9:00. I think you should go get them. We can talk after they go to sleep.”
After Kelly left, Mike sat on the couch in silence. As the truth of what Kelly had told him sank in, he felt a physical pain that grew worse as the minutes passed. A cry came from deep inside him. He leaned his elbow on the arm of the couch, put his head in his hand, and wept. Kelly returned with the boys a few minutes later, and Mike left the room, he didn’t want Sam and Mikey to see him crying. They were wired from playing with Karen’s children, and it took them nearly an hour to wind down. Finally, at 10:30, they were asleep, and Kelly came back into the den and sat on the couch. Her eyes looked tired and empty, but Mike had a hard time feeling any sympathy for her.
“Kelly, have you taken your medicine?”
“No. It makes me drowsy, and I don’t want to be sleepy when we probably need to talk.”
“Kelly, why don’t you go ahead and take it. I just can’t talk right now. It’s too much. We can talk in the morning. I’m not going to work tomorrow. I can’t”
“Okay,” Kelly said. She took her medicine and settled back into the couch. She stared at her hands, her shoulders slumped. Mike sat in silence too. Finally, Kelly became drowsy, and her eyes were heavy.
“Kelly, before you go to bed, I need to ask you something. I want all of the passwords to every email account you have. And I want your cell phone.”
Kelly rattled off the passwords and got her phone out of her purse. She looked at him for a long moment. “I am so sorry, Mike.” Then she went to bed. The Seroquel and the emotionally draining task of confession had left her exhausted. She fell asleep almost immediately. At approximately 2:00 am, Kelly felt herself being shaken awake. Mike was sitting on the bed, hurt and anger etched across his face. In his hand he held several sheets of paper.
“How about explaining these,” he said, his voice clipped. Kelly sat up and began reading. They were the emails that had been exchanged between her and Andrew. As Kelly read them, she felt sick to her stomach and imagined how much the emails must have hurt Mike.
“So,” Mike said, his voice rising slightly, “This was not a case of some guy going after my wife. You pursued him. You practically seduced him, didn’t you?’
Kelly started to protest, to tell Mike about the compliments, the tension that cut both ways, the innuendos. But she knew she had no right. Mike was correct. In the final analysis, she was the one who made the first move.
“You need to answer me Kelly. Did you make the first move?”
“I made the first verbal move,” She answered.
“What is that supposed to mean?”
“I mean, I brought it up first. But the first time I went to his house, he was the one who made the first physical move.”
“That doesn’t matter Kelly. He never would have made a physical move if you hadn’t made it plain you wanted him to. In fact, you probably wouldn’t have even been there in the first place.”
“I’m so sorry Mike.”
“You keep saying that. You need to stop. I don’t care if you’re sorry. You betrayed me. You hurt me. I’m not ready to hear you say you’re sorry. In fact, I’m not ready to talk to you anymore at all. Since you seem to have no trouble sleeping, just go back to sleep.” With that, he walked out the door and closed it behind him.
Mike returned to the bedroom two more times that night with more questions. Kelly did her best to fight the exhaustion that had overtaken her and answer them. She knew if she lied to him at all, he would be gone before morning. Even after the questions ended, Mike did not come to bed. When Kelly awoke the next morning, she found Mike in the guest bedroom asleep, his laptop lying open beside him.
That day, there was heaviness in the house. Even Mikey and Sam noticed it, and they tread carefully, spending as much time in the back yard as possible. Mike didn’t speak to Kelly at all except to ask her more questions. Kelly didn’t speak at all except to answer them. She wondered if she had made the right decision in telling Mike. He was so hurt. They would never be the same. They would never be able to recover from such a blow. Still, she knew that she had to tell him. She had to give him the opportunity to leave if he wanted to leave. That was what she deserved. Kelly took a shower just to clear her mind, and when she dressed and walked back into the den, Mike was on the phone, crying. He saw her and hung up after a few more seconds.
“Who was that?” Kelly asked softly.
“I called my mother. I needed to talk to someo
ne.”
Kelly’s heart dropped. She couldn’t believe he had told his parents. But then again, they had a right to know how she had betrayed their son.
“Don’t you want to know what they said?”
“If you want to tell me,” Kelly answered her voice small.
Mike laughed an angry laugh. “After Mom told me how sorry she was and that she would be praying for me, she actually said, ‘I told you that you didn’t need to be taking Kelly for granted. I was afraid that something like this might happen.’ She acted like it was my fault.”
“It’s not your fault, Mike. It’s mine. I am the one who cheated. I am the one who deceived you. I am the one who betrayed our marriage.”
“You’re right, Kelly. You are. I wonder, though, how sorry you really are. I haven’t seen you cry once since you told me. It’s like now that it’s off your chest, you feel fine.”
“I don’t feel fine. I feel so terrible. For some reason I just feel numb. I want to cry. It just won’t come.”
“Whatever,” Mike said. He picked up his car keys and headed toward the door.
“Where are you going?”
“I don’t know Kelly. I don’t know.” He walked out and slammed the door. Kelly curled up into a tight ball. The past couple of days’ conversations kept replaying in her mind. In addition to Mike’s questions and accusations, Kelly had learned something else that broke her heart. Mike had never cheated on her. His passwords were changed because every time he had a birthday, he changed his age at the end. The pills were missing because the doctor had recommended taking two or three without acting on them to see if he experienced an unsafe drop in blood pressure. There was a logical explanation for all of Kelly’s suspicions. This made her feel even worse about what she had done. She had used her suspicions to try to justify her choices, and they weren’t even true. She was disgusted with herself.
The next several days were like a fog of pain. She had told Bob she had the flu and would be out the rest of the week. Mike had sought her out several times, actually wanting to touch her, and though it made her feel safety in his love, it also pierced her heart that he would want to touch her after what she had done. But she clung to those times for dear life, hoping against hope that Mike would stay. Time was not on their side, however, and before Kelly knew it, she had to return to work. Even though she knew Andrew wouldn’t be working with her, she dreaded going back. The first few days were absolute torture, but she found a way through until the weekend. Maybe when she began her next assignment she would be able to focus.
Mike had become distant again, and she knew he was struggling with all of this emotions. He was angry; he was hurt; and he was afraid. He was afraid that he might never be able to forgive Kelly. How could he? He knew that if he ever did something like that, she would be out the door. He also knew that her manic episodes had contributed to her vulnerability. But she had still made a choice. This scared Mike most of all. Was he going to have to deal with this type of thing every time she was manic? That was something he could never handle. The first couple of weeks after Kelly told him there were times he wanted to be with her so badly. He was so afraid of losing her. Now he couldn’t imagine touching her after Andrew had touched her. Part of him wanted details, but he knew that he wouldn’t be able to deal with them. He spent a lot of time thinking, wondering what would happen to them. As time went on, he saw Kelly spiraling downward, but he was too hurt to be much comfort. He felt himself slipping into despair as well. Eventually, they both retreated into their own worlds, in too much pain to do anything else.