Chapter 30
At the same time that Mike and Kelly slept in each other’s arms, across town Andrew was still nursing his anger. Was this ever going to be over? When would Kelly let him get on with his life? He knew that she had cared about him; he knew that except for Mike, he was the only man she had ever slept with and that made it hard for her. But it was over, and it had already messed up his life enough. He was trying to focus on his relationship with God and his job, and now he was supposed to wonder every time he opened an email who he was really talking to? When was he truly going to be able to forget what was behind him and press on unhindered?
As Andrew showered and got ready for work, he forced himself to calm down. He thought about the email he had sent Mike. He was sure that Mike had no idea that Kelly had another email account or that she had been emailing him, so he should probably have backed off a little. After all, it wasn’t Mike’s fault that Kelly had lost it. That wasn’t fair, he knew. In his email to Mike he had practically accused Kelly of stalking and had all but said he’d have her arrested or something if she ever contacted him again. He thought about what it must have done to Mike to find out Kelly had betrayed him again, and he wondered if Mike was still at home. He was slightly uncomfortable at the thought of Mike leaving Kelly and the boys. But it had really been Kelly’s fault. Why couldn’t she let it go?
Still, Andrew’s email to Mike bothered him. As he drove to the office, he felt he should probably send another email to Mike, a calmer one explaining what had been going on in his life. He decided that even if Kelly was out of control, he could at least be civil to Mike. During his lunch hour he closed his door and began composing an email to Mike.
“Mike, I am emailing you again for only one reason. I was very angry last night, and I blasted you. I am sure that you were shocked, and I’m sorry about that. The reason that this upsets me so much is that I am trying to be a different person. I have spent more time alone the past couple of months than I ever have, digging into God’s word and praying more than ever just to have Him change my life. I want to forget what lies behind me and press on like Philippians says, but I can’t do that if there is contact with you or with Kelly. Kelly is part of the old man, and I want to be a new creation. That means I just can’t have her in my life at all ever again. I am sure that is what you want me to do as well. I hope that you and Kelly will be able to work things out. This is the last email I am sending, now that I have told you about me. Again, I am sorry about my part in all of this. But it is time for me to be able to go on from here. I hope you understand that, and I hope you can make Kelly understand too. Andrew”
Mike read the email twice. He felt sympathy for Andrew despite the knowledge that he had been a party to the whole situation. Andrew’s life had been affected too, and he had been hurt. He was trying to get things right. Mike hoped that this time Kelly was doing the same thing. He decided to call her and tell her about Andrew’s email. Even though he didn’t agree with Kelly’s need to know, he felt she needed to hear it.
“Hello,” Kelly answered drowsily.
“You still asleep?” Mike asked. “You okay?”
“No, I’m just resting on the couch waiting for the Excedrin to kick in. Are you okay? Is work okay?”
“Yes,” Mike cleared his throat. “Kelly, I got another email from Andrew.”
Kelly’s heart lurched. “Is he – is he going to call the police or anything?”
“No, no, nothing like that. He explained some things to me, and I thought maybe you needed to hear them too.” He read the email to Kelly and waited for her to respond.
“Mike, I am so sorry. I feel so ashamed. Here he is, doing a better job than I am of turning back to God, and he doesn’t even have a family that’s falling apart. Last night was real, Mike. God finally broke me. I know it will take a long time for you to believe the change is real. But I will spend the rest of my life living it before you, whether you decide to stay or not,” her voice trembled on the last part.
“Kelly, I love you. Am I hurt? Yes, terribly, more hurt than I have ever been in my life. But I can’t stop loving you, even if I wanted to. I don’t know what will happen in the future. But for now, I’m not going anywhere.”
Kelly fought back tears. She had cried so much that her head was pounding and her eyes were almost swollen shut. But there were tears in her voice as she told Mike. “I love you, Mike. I don’t deserve you.”
“I know you love me, Kelly. I’ll see you this afternoon. And I’ll pick up the kids. You just rest.”
After she hung up with Mike, Kelly reached for her Bible again. She had decided to go through the entire book of Psalms over the next few weeks. She still felt too jumbled to write out thoughts or analyze God’s Word the way she used to. All she could do was copy verse after verse as they spoke to her heart. Before long, God’s words were speaking comfort to her. She felt His love and forgiveness in a way she hadn’t in months. And she was more determined than ever to cling to Him, to turn from her sin. She read for about an hour and then slipped to her knees again, thanking God for His love and for Mike’s love, and pleading with Him to change her life. When she stood up, she felt peace, but she also felt energized. She spent the afternoon doing some of the things she hadn’t done in weeks: cleaning bathrooms, doing laundry, and washing dishes. She couldn’t wait for Mike to get home, not just because she loved him, but also because she knew he would be so surprised that she had cleaned. She chuckled at the thought. He had always been so patient with her scattered messiness. Just another thing about him that amazed her.
When Mike came home that evening, Kelly met him with a hug and the news that she had prepared his favorite dinner. Hugs and fried chicken couldn’t assuage his pain, but at least maybe he would know that she wanted to change, to be there for him. The boys ate in silence, still confused about what had been happening over the past few weeks. But it at least seemed to them like Mommy and Daddy weren’t as upset anymore. For that brief half hour, the house almost seemed normal. After dinner, Mike went into the den and began watching his favorite game show. Kelly snuggled next to him. He didn’t put his arm around her, but he didn’t seem to mind the contact. They didn’t say much, but it was a bit of a relief for both of them. The talking, questioning, crying, and shouting had become too much, and the much needed quiet comforted them both. Before long, Kelly became drowsy and got up to go to bed.
“Kelly, can I talk to you for a few minutes?” Mike asked.
“Of course,” Kelly replied, sitting back on the couch.
“I want to believe that you are truly serious about changing. And I do love you. Last night was wonderful. But you have to understand that I might not always feel like that. Some days, I want to hold you and not let go, but sometimes when I look at you, I see you and Andrew, and even though I have never asked for details, I can imagine what it must have been. On those nights, I just can’t touch you or have us be together. I know that affection is important to you, but I may have a hard time with it sometimes.”
Kelly took his hand. “Mike, I consider myself blessed any time you touch me. Sometimes I don’t see how you can. I understand. Good night,” she kissed him and went to the bedroom.
Mike sat awake for a long time that night. His heart seemed to jump from emotion to emotion. The last three months had felt like years. Sometimes he was so angry; other times he just felt a horrible sadness. A part of him wanted to forgive Kelly; another part of him wanted to get as far away from her as possible. He cried out to God again, praying for the strength to do whatever God asked. He read verses about forgiveness and love and compassion, but they almost seemed like a foreign language to him. He believed Kelly was broken, but he was also afraid that if she ever had another manic episode, it might all happen again. He could only pray that she would truly and change and would continue to take her medicine. He had read that some people with bipolar disorder
stopped taking their medication once they feel better. That was one thing Kelly could never do. Mike knew he couldn’t tolerate that. After thinking through all of the emotions he was feeling, he decided to go to bed.
Kelly was asleep, her arm over her head and her hair spread out on the pillow. Her nightgown had slipped off her other shoulder, and she looked like a dream. Even though the last few months had been more like a nightmare, he still felt a love for her that he couldn’t explain. He slipped under the covers, kissed her lightly, and went to sleep.
Water was everywhere. It was seeping in through the windows and the doors. There was no rain outside, only water that was rising higher and higher. Kelly tried to swim, but the ceiling was fast approaching. She took deep breaths, straining to keep her mouth above water in the small space between the water and the ceiling. But the space became smaller and smaller. Finally, there was no more space; the room was completely full. Kelly struggled to hold her breath, but her lungs felt as if they were about to explode. Finally, she could stand it no longer. She exhaled, and when she inhaled involuntary, water filled her lungs, burning her, taking her breath…
Kelly awoke gasping for breath, and sweating. She looked quickly at Mike. He was still sleeping peacefully. She didn’t want to wake him, so she forced herself to breathe more regularly, to calm down and stop shaking. Eventually she grew sleepy again, and her eyes closed.
Everyone was shouting. They were angry, shouting over and over. Kelly saw them surrounding her, fists waving in the air. In their hands they held rocks. Then she looked down. She was standing on a platform, a scarlet “A” on her dress. What were they shouting? She strained to make sense of the noise. Then she understood the words, terrible words she couldn’t repeat. Judgment, condemnation, and disgust. She looked down again, and she was covered with mud. Then the mud turned to blood, and she cried out in anguish.
“Kelly, Kelly, wake up,” Mike was shaking her. She continued to cry out. “Kelly, please, you’re dreaming.”
She awoke then and clung to Mike, taking in gulps of air between sobs. He held her tightly and tried to quiet her. Eventually she stopped fighting him and held him. Once again, she made herself take deep breaths in and out, but she couldn’t stop the crying.
“What was it? What were you dreaming?” Mike asked, his voice full of concern.
Kelly didn’t want to tell him. She was too ashamed. She buried her head in his chest like a little girl. “They were all shouting at me, and the dirt turned into blood, and I couldn’t get away…” Kelly began sobbing again, unable to shake the terror of the dream. Mike stroked her hair and spoke words of comfort to her. His touch hurt; she felt so unworthy. She pulled away from him. “I want to take a shower.”
“Honey, it’s 2:00 in the morning. Please go back to sleep.”
“I can’t sleep! I have to take a shower. I have to get it off!”
“There is nothing on you, Kelly. You were dreaming. It was just a dream.”
“No it wasn’t. I have to take a shower.” She tore away from his grasp and ran to the bathroom. She turned the water on, then slumped over the toilet and gagged. Then her gown was on the floor, and she was standing under the hot spray. It was too hot, hotter than her normal showers, but she allowed the spray to wash over her. She took a loofa sponged and scrubbed her arms, legs, and stomach. She kept scrubbing. After she was done, she crouched in the corner of the shower and wept again. Mike pulled back the curtain and turned off the water. He reached out his hand, and Kelly took it. After wrapping her in a towel, Mike helped her again. “I wish I could do something to stop this, Kelly, for both of us.”
For the rest of the night, Kelly slept fitfully. Mike stayed up and watched her struggle. His fear for her came rushing back. Was Kelly spiraling downward again? Would she even remember her dreams the next morning? He prayed that God would spare them another emergency room nightmare. He prayed that God would keep Kelly safe. Lastly, he prayed that God would help him to take care of his wife when he was still hurting so badly.
Over the next few nights, Kelly continued to have nightmares. At Mike’s urging, she went back to the doctor. Once again, she had her medication adjusted and the nightmares stopped. Both she and Mike hoped that this time, the improvement would last awhile. But her spiral had scared them both. She would have to live with this forever, this disease that affected her brain and emotions and seemed to at times threaten her very sanity.