Chapter 29
On Friday, Kelly’s desperation had subsided somewhat, but she knew she was still unstable. The doctor changed the dosage of her medication and talked with her for a long time. Kelly was amazed at the time and care Dr. Weaver took with her patients. They discussed Kelly’s need to try to forgive herself, and Dr. Weaver told her to be patient with Mike. After all, it was understandable that his trust in her was shaken to the core, and trust couldn’t be rebuilt overnight. She was honest with Kelly, telling her that it might take months before Mike could truly forgive her and begin to trust her and that it sometimes took up to a year to find the right dosage and combination of medication. This deflated Kelly somewhat, but she was glad that the doctor was honest with her. She wanted to know what to expect in all of this chaos.
Over the next few weeks, Kelly finally began to feel “normal” again. Her racing thoughts were fewer and farther between in frequency. She didn’t feel the same dark weight. She still grieved over the pain she had caused Mike, but she began to try to open up to him and give him every detail of her day. He was often distant, but she knew he was trying work through his own pain. She knew there were no guarantees, but she was thankful that he was still here for now.
There were two things, however, that Kelly couldn’t seem to let go of. She couldn’t forgive herself, couldn’t forget what she had done and how she had done it. And she still felt a pull at times toward Andrew. It wasn’t because she had feelings for him. It was one of the consequences of taking something that God had designed to bond people and experiencing in a way that was completely outside His will. She just wished she knew how he was doing, if he would ever forgive her. She didn’t share these feelings with Mike, however. She knew that her desire to know these things would hurt Mike.
However, in late October, she began to be consumed with the desire to know what Andrew was doing. Was he suffering the way she was suffering? Did he think of her? Had he been with someone else since they had…been together? She needed to somehow find out what he was thinking. Kelly should have known that something was wrong. These thoughts were irrational. She was slipping into depression, and she wasn’t equipped to make any type of decision. She was being swept away by her own obsessive thoughts. But she had to know; she had to find out something, anything. She decided to visit his site.
www.adgenius.com. That was the name of Andrew’s web page. She had been there before. He was gifted with technology, and it was a great site. He posted a lot of the latest goings on in his life, information about music and movies he liked, and some of the ads he had done. As Kelly lay awake the following night, she wondered if he had posted anything new. Maybe that was a way she could find out some things. Maybe there would be some word somewhere that would give her the freedom to get past it all. Maybe he even had a girlfriend. That would surely bring complete closure. So early the next morning she typed in the web address. Her breath caught as she saw his picture. He looked different somehow, but she couldn’t put her finger on it. She looked around the site. There were a few notes about his recent life, but nothing specific. He had, however added a new contact email address. Above the email address it said, “What do you think of my site?”
In a moment of weakness and on an impulse, she wanted to email him. But she knew she couldn’t be honest about who she was. The part of her that knew this idea was deceitful and stupid and wrong was persistent. But her need to know was stronger. Something took over the rational part of her brain. Before she knew it, she had found a site with free email and set up an account. Then she emailed Andrew with a brief note that said, “Like your site. Did you do it all yourself?” She signed the name Elise. It was her middle name, but Andrew didn’t know that. For a split second she felt as if she had just jumped off a cliff into a deep chasm, but she wouldn’t let herself think about it. She would just email once or twice, and then her curiosity would be satisfied.
Later that day, during her lunch break, she decided to check the new account. She had one message, a message from Andrew.
“Yeah, I did. Thanks for the compliment. Do you have a site I could check out?”
Kelly responded quickly. “I don’t have a web site yet. I just opened this email account recently. I’m not exactly a technology genius.”
After Kelly pressed send, she realized that her heart was pounding. The logical side of her brain screamed, stop this, it’s a lie! You’re deceiving your husband! You need to break this cycle! But another part of her mind was driven to find something out even though she had no idea what that was. The Holy Spirit’s voice whispered, guard your heart, for out of springs the well of life; Turn to me; my ways are not your ways… For just a moment, Kelly thought about cancelling the new account she had created. But she couldn’t. She had to have the closure she hadn’t found that summer.
For the next couple of days, she and Andrew sent casual emails back and forth, and Kelly grew comfortable. Then she made a mistake. She mentioned in an email something about one of his accounts. She sent it without realizing that Andrew had not mentioned that particular account on his site or in any of the emails. That night, when she checked her account, there was no response. There was also no response on Friday or Saturday. On Sunday morning, Kelly sent another email. “Where’d you go?” Still no response. That night, a strange nervousness began to form in the pit of her stomach. But she dismissed it and went to bed.
Someone was shaking her. Across her dreams she heard a voice that didn’t fit. As she fought off the dream, she realized that it was Mike. He was shaking her awake and saying something she was too drowsy to understand. Then, Mike raised his voice and said, “Kelly! Wake up!”
Kelly rubbed her eyes and looked at Mike. He had a strange look on his face, somewhere between disbelief and hurt. “What is it? What’s going on?”
Mike’s eyes narrowed, “Why don’t you tell me, Elise?” Kelly sat there for a moment, shock on her face. “That’s what I thought,” Mike spat and started opening and closing his drawers forcefully. He threw clothing into a bag and began rummaging in the bathroom for his toiletries. The medication Kelly took made her extremely drowsy, but she fought to wake up, to gather her senses.
“Mike, it isn’t like it seems. I just wanted to know….” Her voice trailed off when he turned around and looked at her. His face was angry, but behind the anger he had the look of a wounded animal. “Mike, please,” her voice was small.
“No more contact, Kelly. You’ve promised me twice, and twice you have broken the promise. You care more about yourself than you do about this family or me. How much are you going to hurt me? Are you seeing how far you can go before I really leave? Well, you’re there. I can’t do this, this lying and deceit and roller coaster.”
Kelly struggled to sit up. She threw her legs over the side of the bed so she could go to Mike. “I love you,” she whispered.
“No you don’t. Do not get out of that bed. There is nothing you can say. Oh, but I do want you to read something.” He threw a piece of paper at her and left the room. She heard the front door slam. Kelly fumbled with the bedside lamp. As she read the message she began to cry softly.
“Mike, I have asked your wife not to contact me. A few days ago I got an email from someone who called herself Elise. I didn’t think anything of it, really. But then she said something about one of my accounts. I knew I hadn’t mentioned it, so I got suspicious. I went back and read the messages, and I know its Kelly. It sounds exactly like her. I’m tired of this; it almost amounts to stalking. If she contacts me again it will not be a good thing. You had better tell her that. I don’t expect to hear from her in any way ever again. Andrew”
Kelly read the letter again, and then the dam broke. Kelly fell on her face by the bed. After her sobs subsided, she prayed.
“God, I’m sorry. Why can’t I do this? Why am I so rebellious? You know I have repented; I have turned
away from this. Why am I doing this?”
God looks at the heart…bear the fruit of repentance…return to me…give yourself as a living sacrifice
Slowly and painfully, Kelly saw the truth of her heart. She hadn’t repented. She had felt badly about hurting Mike, she had been disgusted with herself; she had even felt guilt and remorse over what she did. But she hadn’t repented, not really. She was still holding on to things, searching for things she had no business knowing. Just like the Bible said, the scales fell away from her eyes and she saw herself, a woman who felt guilty but still wanted control.
Kelly sat up and reached for her Bible. Not once in all the chaos had she picked it up. But now she was desperate for direction, comfort, even conviction. She began with Psalm 32, then Psalm 51, then and other passages about needing God’s mercy. She cried them aloud. She begged God not to let her emotions deceive her. She begged him for real repentance. She pleaded with Him to remove this ugliness from her heart no matter what it took. When the sun began to come up, Kelly was still on her knees, alternately reading God’s word and crying out to him. When she stood up, her legs were wobbly and her head was pounding, but for the first time, she felt peace, real peace. She was too weak and fragile from her night of wresting with God, so she slipped into the den to sleep on the couch. She had to figure out where Mike was and how to talk to him. And even though the sin and its consequences were still very real, she felt…clean. Her heart was broken, however. If only she could have found this place before Mike had left. She climbed back onto the bad and fell asleep, exhausted.
At 8:00 Kelly woke up in a fog. Her body felt as if she had been in a war; and so she had, just like Jacob in the wilderness when he wrestled with God. She knew that God had won the victory, but Kelly was afraid that her marriage would be a casualty. The pain she had seen in Mike’s eyes the night before was even deeper than the pain she had seen the night she confessed the affair. Kelly didn’t have time to allow it to sink in, however; the boys were already late for school. She woke up Mikey and Sam, laid out their clothes, and drove them to school. Then, having no other place to go, Kelly went back home.
The silence seemed to mock Kelly when she walked back into her empty house. Kelly walked back to the bedroom and once again opened her Bible, alternately praying and weeping. Once again, she saw clearly what her choices had cost everyone around her. But Kelly began to feel something else as well – God’s forgiveness and unconditional love – and she was amazed by it. Even the shame of her sin and the sorrow over the possible end of her marriage couldn’t dim the light God was placing in her heart, giving her reason to hope. As Kelly drank in God’s Word, scripture after scripture spoke comfort to her:
Psalm 40:1
Psalm 139 passage.
Around noon Kelly decided to take a shower. Her muscles were aching from sorrow and weeping and kneeling on the floor for so many hours, and her hair was matted with tears and sweat. The steamy water relaxed Kelly’s muscles. She washed her hair and applied conditioner. While she lathered her arms with soap, the words of a song escaped her lips, and she found herself singing with a heart full of praise.
“My faith has found a resting place not in device nor creed.
I trust the ever living one; His wound for me shall plead.
I need no other argument; I need no other plea.
It is enough that Jesus died and that he died for me.”
Stepping out of the shower, Kelly grabbed a towel from the rack and began drying, still humming. She combed through her wet hair and put on her robe. Clean and refreshed, she walked into the den.
What she saw brought her to her knees again. Mike’s bag was on the floor in the entryway, and he was sitting on the couch. He was home. Kelly began crying again, thanking God and grieving for what she had done, and hoping against hope that there was still a chance for them. She wanted to look at him, but she couldn’t. Shame covered her like a blanket. She fell on her hands and knees in front of him and sobbed, choking out words.
“Mike, I am so sorry. Truly sorry from my soul. God broke me last night. I had never truly repented. I felt bad and wanted to change, but I hadn’t let go of my sin. I just hid it with good intentions. I can’t do this without turning away from all of it. I know that. I want to so badly. I want to be different…” she became silent.
For a long time Mike remained silent. Kelly was sure he doubted her, that he thought this was just another empty promise in a long line of empty promises. But then she heard him stir. From the corner of her eye she could see him slide off of the couch and sit in front of her. Slowly and gently, he took her shoulders and pulled her into his lap. He was crying, and his tears fell on her. He stroked her arm and looked her. She still couldn’t look at him. She was too ashamed. Her took his other hand and turned her face toward his. Then he lifted her up so that they were facing each other. Tears were still sliding down his face.
Kelly looked into his eyes and stopped breathing. His face was moving closer to hers, and then his lips brushed hers. She brought her hands to his face, and he kissed her more deeply. They clung to each other and wept while they kissed. Mike pulled her close to him and held her tightly. Kelly’s world spun as he held her and kissed her. Then he stood and reached out his hands to her. She took his hands, and they met again face to face. He touched her hair, her cheek, and traced her lips with his finger. Then he twined his fingers with hers and led her to the bedroom.
With the afternoon sun shining through the window, they held each other and came together in a way that was full of longing and sorrow and hope. She allowed herself to stay in Mike’s arms and marvel at his unconditional love. A verse came to her mind from Ephesians five: Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church. That was how Mike loved her, completely and truly and unconditionally. After a while Kelly lifted her head and smiled at Mike. “I have to get the boys.”
“In a minute,” Mike whispered, burying his face in her hair. “I need to hold you for one more minute.”