Kelso moved from the doorway and walked over to the bed. “What’s not a good idea?” he asked.”
“What were you expecting us to do once we got here? I mean, I know it’s our wedding night and that usually means—“
Kelso grabbed Ashleigh’s hands and sat her down on the bed. He looked her in the eyes. “I’m not asking you to do anything you don’t want to, Ash. I just want you to feel like this is your night and I wanted to do everything I can to make it special.”
“Kelso, you don’t have to give me fancy clothes or a fancy room to make me feel special. All I really want is to be with you.”
“Well, here I am, baby, warts and all.”
Ashleigh leaned over and kissed Kelso. They fell back onto the bed and Kelso’s hand grazed Ashleigh’s side.
“Kelso,” Ashleigh whispered, “We shouldn’t be doing this.”
“Ashleigh, we’re just kissing.”
Ashleigh pushed him away and looked into his eyes. “Well, this kissing is going to lead to more than just kissing and as much as I want it to continue, it wouldn’t be good for your health or mine.”
“I just want to touch you, Ashleigh. We’re married. Can I at least have that gift?”
Ashleigh got up from the bed and walked over to the window that was overlooking the ocean. She crossed her arms over her chest as if to protect herself from anything that might happen. She prayed for God to give her an answer of what she should do, but it seemed he wasn’t giving her what she wanted. Kelso grabbed his cane and limped over to her. He put his hand on her shoulder.
“Ash, are you scared of me?” Kelso asked.
She couldn’t speak, but shook her head “no.”
“Please talk to me. I don’t want you to be scared of me. I don’t have much longer here, y’know. This day is just as important to me as it is to you. I don’t want our last night together—“
Ashleigh turned toward Kelso. “This isn’t our last night together.”
Kelso cupped Ashleigh’s face with his hand. “In all honesty, it probably is. Don’t be scared of me. Let me hold you this one last time before I go.”
Ashleigh sniffed back her tears. Her hands were trembling. “Kelso, I . . . I . . .can’t. I’m sorry.” She ran out of the room.
Kelso dropped to his knees and gasped for air. He could barely cough.
Ashleigh came back into the room and saw Kelso struggling. She picked up the phone and dialed the nurse.
CHAPTER 28
Ashleigh walked out into the hospital lobby. Her face was pale and tear stained. Dashelle walked up to her.
“How is he?” Dashelle asked.
Ashleigh sniffled. “The doctors give him,” she stopped to gulp back a sob. “A few more hours.”
“Oh, honey.” Dashelle grabbed her best friend in a bear hug.
Heidi put her hand on Ashleigh’s back. “What do you want us to do for you?” she asked.
“I dunno. Just keep me company for a little bit, okay? I don’t want to be here alone when he—“
“Okay, you don’t have to say it,” Court said. “We won’t make you say it.”
“Thank you, Court.” Ashleigh and Dashelle let go of each other and Ashleigh plopped down on one of the sterile hospital chairs.
The rest of the gang took Ashleigh’s cue and sat down in the chairs in silence along with her. Court looked over at Ashleigh. He was like a big brother to her when her own brother wasn’t around. He had been there when her mom died of cancer. He had been there when her brother had been temporarily paralyzed in a car accident. He had been there when she had met Kelso and found out about his disease. Why was he always there for her during the bad stuff?
“Ashleigh,” Court whispered as to not startle anyone.
She looked up at Court. “What?”
“Let’s go take a walk. I think you and I have this routine down by now,” Court said. He held out his hand so she would get up.
“No, I can’t do that this time, Court.”
“You have to. If you don’t you’ll just sit here and get sadder and sadder. Now, c’mon, let’s go.”
“Court, I don’t want to go,” Ashleigh protested.
“Ashleigh, you need to go,” J.T. said.
“I am staying right here! No one can convince me otherwise. I don’t want to leave my husband. Just let me stay right here in this chair and sulk if I want! Just please, leave me be!” Ashleigh screamed.
Court’s eyes showed the pain Ashleigh was going through. They were kindred spirits. “Okay, Ash, I’ll take a rain check. I’ll just sit and leave you alone for a little bit, but I’m not happy about it at all.” He sat down in the chair next to Ashleigh.
“Ashleigh, is Kelso awake?” J.T. asked.
“Sort of. They have him on morphine to try to ease the pain.”
“Can I go talk to him?” J.T. asked.
“Yeah, I guess. He needs to see someone that isn’t a blubbering mess.”
“Okay.” J.T. grabbed Heidi’s hand and headed into Kelso’s room.
J.T. walked towards the bed where Kelso was lying. He was off all the life saving machines and just had a morphine drip. His eyes were open, but they were glazed over.
“Kelso, it’s J.T. Are you sure you want to go out like this? I mean, a needle got you into this mess and you want a needle to take you out.”
“I don’t have,” Kelso stopped. He struggled to get the words out of his mouth. “a choice.”
“I’m not sure if Ashleigh is going to be able to deal with this. She’s a tough lady, but she’s seen death more than any of us here. What do you want us to do to help her through this?”
“Tell her . . .I’m . . . I’m . . . sor . . .sorry.”
Ashleigh peeked into the room. Heidi was standing holding hands with J.T. She could tell that Heidi didn’t know what to say or what to do with death staring in her face. Heidi was avoiding making eye contact with Kelso or any other item in the room. J.T. was trying his hardest to help, because that was his nature. He was a fixer. If something wasn’t going the way it should, he always stepped in and tried to fix it. He may not even know you, but he would always help.
Ashleigh walked in the room and J.T. looked up. “We’ll leave you two alone,” J.T. remarked. He squeezed Heidi’s hand and they left.
Ashleigh knelt at Kelso’s bedside. She took his fragile skinny hand in hers. “How can the best day of my life be the worst day of my life? I was so happy for us and then I am so sad for us, because there isn’t going to be an us for much longer. Kelso, why did you have to love me so much? I can’t take it. I just want all this pain and sadness to go away. I’m not blaming you for anything and I’m not going to accept your apology. I’m not sorry one bit for loving you. I’m sorry that we didn’t get to spend more time together.” She stood up and kissed his cheek. “I love you, Kelso Aaron Stark.”
She walked away from the bed and looked out his window. “Okay, God, this isn’t funny anymore. You can bring Kelso back at any time. I know that I’ve made some stupid decisions in my life, but I don’t regret this one. I just want my husband to be my husband for more than one day. I can’t be alone, God. Don’t make me be alone. I can’t do it, anymore!” Ashleigh yelled and fell to her knees. She put her head in her hands and let wailing sobs escape her. Her friends heard her in the lobby, but no one moved. Court and J.T. looked at each other. They both knew someone needed to go comfort her, but Court knew that Ashleigh didn’t want to deal with him. He nodded to J.T.
J.T. went into the hospital room by himself and didn’t say a word. He knelt down beside her and put his hand on her back. “God, please be with my friend, Ashleigh. She’s hurting so much right now and she just needs to know that you are doing what is best for her. You sent her an angel and she’s having a hard time dealing with the departure. We can’t stand to see her or Kelso in pain. So, if it is time for Kelso to go, please let him go peacefully in his
sleep and let Ashleigh know that you have plans for her that will help her cope with the loss.” J.T. felt a warm hand on his. He looked over and noticed that Heidi had knelt down beside Ashleigh on her other side.
“Amen,” Heidi whispered.
J.T. got up from his knees and helped Ashleigh to her feet. “We will always be here for you. You will not be alone.”
Ashleigh wiped her tears with the back of her hand and nodded. “Thank you.” She walked over to Kelso again and touched his face. “It’s all right, you can go. I was being selfish, but I know that you don’t want to live like this. No more pain and no more tears.”
Kelso slowly turned his head towards Ashleigh. His face twitched as he tried to smile. He wanted the last thing he saw before he laid into rest to be the beautiful face that he loved-the love of his life. Before he could say anything, he needed to take a deep breath.
Ashleigh watched the monitor next to him and saw that his heart rate was slowing. The nurses had gone over what the machines meant one last time with Ashleigh before they gave him the morphine. They told her that if his heart rate took a dramatic drop that he probably was going to be leaving her soon.
Kelso took a deep breath. Ashleigh leaned in to him so he did not have to struggle. He tried to get out his words, but he could not speak. He gasped for air and tried again. Ashleigh had not said anything to him through his strain. He just needed to hear her voice one more time.
“What is it, Kelso?” Ashleigh asked. She knew he was struggling and whatever he wanted to say was important or he wouldn’t be trying so hard.
Kelso tried again. But, his voice had gone and his will was fading. Ashleigh looked at the monitor again. His heart rate had dropped even more.
“Stupid machine. Why are you dragging this out?! Let him go! He wants to go!” Ashleigh ripped the cord out of the wall. A loud beep rang throughout the hospital. Nurses came running into Kelso’s room.
“Get out!” Ashleigh screamed. “Leave! Let him be! Just go away and leave us alone!” Ashleigh shoved the nurses out of the room and slammed the door.
Court looked over at the shut door. He ran his fingers through his hear and knotted his hands on top of his head. “I can’t take this! I have to go in there.” He rushed to the closed door and opened it. Ashleigh was kneeling next to Kelso just staring at him. She turned around and Court could see the tears in her eyes.
“He’s gone, Court,” she whispered.
“Oh, Ash.” He walked over to her, picked her up from the floor, and let her cry all over his shirt.
Chapter 29
Ashleigh sat on the flawless white couch that was in the middle of Kelso’s apartment. She sat curled up hugging a picture of Kelso and smelling the scent of his cologne on his shirt that she had put on. A week had passed since he had died and Ashleigh had not left his apartment-their apartment. She hadn’t been to any classes or answered any calls from her friends. Instead, she sat in the dark on the couch grieving for her lost love. Why was she having such a difficult time with this? She hadn’t felt this bad when her mom died. Not even this bad when he grandma had died. Why was Kelso pulling her into this deep depression?
Her thoughts were interrupted by a knock at the door. “Go away, please,” Ashleigh answered.
“Ashleigh, its Court. We’re all worried about you.”
“I don’t want to talk to anyone. Please, just leave.”
“Ashleigh, I don’t have much time. The show starts in three hours.”
“Well, don’t let me burden you, then.”
“Ashleigh, open the door.”
“No.”
“Ashleigh, don’t make me make a scene. You know I will.”
“Court, I don’t want to see you.”
“C’mon, Ash. Open the door. I need to talk to you.” Court paused. “And, I need to use the bathroom. I just gulped down one of those humungous drinks from Sonic. My eyeballs are floating!”
Ashleigh grinned. Court always knew how to get her to smile in any situation. She hoisted herself up off the couch and put the picture of Kelso back on the marble mantle. Then, she walked over and unlocked the door for Court.
“Come in, do your business and leave.” She walked away from him.
“I don’t really—“
“I know, Court. What do you want?”Ashleigh snapped.
“I-we miss you. What have you been doing?”
Ashleigh waved around the apartment with her hand at the overloaded boxes. “I’ve been sorting through all this. Kelso’s family won’t even come up to help. They said to keep whatever I want, and to throw the rest out. How am I supposed to know what’s important?” She picked up an old trophy. “What if this has sentimental value to his mom? I don’t know what to do with it.” She threw it in a box.
“Well, maybe, his family isn’t ready to deal with losing a child.”
“Oh, and I’m ready to deal with losing a husband. I’m supposed to be strong and handle all of this?”
“They are probably still dealing with their memories.”
“Memories? Memories? That’s all I have.” She walked over to the fireplace mantle. She swiped her hand across the mantle and cleared all the pictures onto the floor. “I don’t want stinking memories! I want him!” Ashleigh pounded on Court’s chest with her fists.
He let out a breath of air and grabbed Ashleigh’s wrists in his hands so she wouldn’t hurt herself. “Why, Court, why? Why does God hate me so much? Why does He take away everything I love? How come He has to punish me? What did I do?”
“You didn’t do anything.” Court furrowed his brow. He wished J.T. would have come with him. He would probably think of something to say that would help Ashleigh much more than he could. He stood in silence for a minute and searched for something to say that would make Ashleigh feel better. Court was a little new with all of this “God stuff” as he called it, but Ashleigh wasn’t. What would make her understand that God wasn’t punishing her?
“Ashleigh, God does not hate you. He doesn’t give you anything you can’t handle.”
Ashleigh looked at Court’s eyes. “I can’t handle this.”
“Yes, you can. You are a strong young lady. You have seen death so many times in your life. You can deal with it.”
“No, I can’t. I don’t know what to do. I mean, I knew that Nona was going to die and I had time to be with Mama before she died. But, this . . .this was just so sudden. I feel so lost.”
Court looked at Ashleigh in the eyes. They clouds of grief and depression covered them. He had never seen her like this before. She was right about having time to process her grandmother and mom’s death. He had been there with her for both of them. When no one else was around in the middle of the night, Ashleigh would call him to talk. Court was there for all three of the deaths that haunted his friend. He knew that Ashleigh was taking Kelso’s death the hardest. She was able to deal with her grandmother and mom’s death because there was time to prepare for it. But, Kelso had left her too soon and too fast. Court didn’t want to see her like this.
“Ashleigh, all of this will take care of itself. God put you in Kelso’s life for a reason and he took you out of it for a reason. He has plans for you. He knows that you can withstand this.” Court did not know where these words were coming from. He felt as if someone was taking over his thoughts and talking through him. He felt a silent presence in the room and was thankful that he wasn’t talking with Ashleigh alone.
Ashleigh hadn’t noticed before, but Court had some of the same features as Kelso-his hair, his nose. His eyes. The eyes that could draw her in at any moment. Eyes the color of heaven. She was too busy looking at Court to hear what he had said. She had seen his lips moving, but the words were not comprehensible to her ears. She had other plans in mind. Ashleigh leaned in and kissed Court. His hands dropped from her wrists and went to her waist. He didn’t mean to, it was just a natural instinct when a girl kisse
d him. Their lips hung on each other for a few moments, then they toppled back onto the couch. Court struggled to get out of Ashleigh’s grip.
“Ashleigh, I’m not Kelso. We can’t-I don’t-” Court strained to say through forced kisses from Ashleigh. He rose up from her grip and the couch and walked towards the door.
“Why not?” She walked over to Court.
“We tried that once. Remember? You have high standards and I have wandering eyes.” He turned around and looked at Ashleigh square in the face. “And, besides, I don’t want to be that guy.”
“What guy?” Ashleigh looked confused.
“That guy that takes advantage of the situation. The guy that preys on girls on a rebound and then gets hurt by the girl the second she has recovered. I mean, I usually am that guy, but I don’t want to be that guy to you.” He paused. “I just want to be your friend and protect you from those guys.”
“Well, why didn’t you protect me from Kelso?”
“Don’t blame me. I didn’t introduce you to him. J.T. did. Blame him.” Court looked at his watch. “In fact, you can blame him at the show tonight.”
Ashleigh turned from Court. “Oh, I’m not going,” she mumbled.
“What? You have to. I’m a nervous wreck. I need all the support I can get. What if I forget my blocking? What if I forget my lines? I mean, you know the lines better than I do.”
“Court, I can’t. It would be too hard.”
“Too hard? Ashleigh, I’ve known you a long time. You don’t give up that easy.”
“I don’t have anything to wear.”
“And you never have good excuses.” Court opened the door. Dashelle, Heidi, and Freedom were standing in the door jamb.
“All right, ladies. This is an intervention,” Dashelle remarked.
Freedom looked at Ashleigh and shook her head. “Oh, honey, what have you done to yourself?”
Ashleigh looked at herself. Her hair was knotted on top of her head. She had on one of Kelso’s old shirts and a pair of old black yoga pants with holes in them. She did look awful. “You noticed, huh?”
“We don’t have time for answers. Let’s got to work,” Heidi grabbed Ashleigh’s hand and led her towards the bedroom.
Court started to walk out, but stopped by Dashelle. “Find our friend, Ashleigh. She ‘s so lost.”