“Aren’t you hungry?” I asked.
He held my eyes a moment then answered, “Yeah.”
“Then let’s go.”
He held my eyes another moment.
Then he jerked up his chin, uncrossed his arms and swung one hand to the door.
Then we went.
* * * * *
I flipped my phone shut, slid it in my purse and then picked up my piece of bread, muttering, “Celeste and Thomas are good to have dinner with us tonight. Thanks for that.”
Then I took a big bite of bread, trained my eyes on the view of the lake and chewed.
Sam had no reply.
I put the bread down, picked up my fork and stabbed at my salad, saying, “Maybe, when Luci gets here, we’ll ask her and she’ll want to join us. Would that be okay with you?”
Sam again made no reply.
Since I asked him a direct question, I turned my head to him then stopped dead at what I saw.
He wasn’t eating. He was sitting back in his chair, forearms on the arms of the chair, hands dangling, eyes on me, face hard.
I’d never seen him look like that, ever. I’d seen him pissed. I’d even seen him angry.
But I’d never seen him like that.
“Sam?” I whispered.
“Yeah Kia, remember me?”
I blinked, set my fork down and straightened away from my food.
“Sorry?”
“Just to remind you, sweetheart, I’m the man who fucked you four times last night, twice today.”
Oh my God.
Did he just say that?
My eyes darted side to side at the busy tables around us then I leaned into him and hissed, “What on earth?”
“Good question,” he returned.
“What?”
“Not likin’ the wall, Kia.”
I felt my brows snap together and I repeated, “What?”
He leaned into me and it took everything I had not to rear back at the look on his face and he clipped, “Think I explained last night and I did it, incidentally, after I fucked you during which you came twice, somethin’ by your reaction at the time and after, he never gave you, Kia, my guess, not once, further evidence of what I explained last night and that is I am not that asshole.”
“I know that,” I snapped.
“You fuckin’ do not,” he shot back. “I fucked up earlier, pissed you off, maybe hurt you, I don’t know if it’s one, the other or both and I don’t know because you slammed up the wall to hold me back so I have no clue. What I do know is, you aren’t talkin’ about it to me, workin’ it out with me. I also know you’re sittin’ next to me but you’re so far away, I can’t reach you.”
“Sam, I said it was okay,” I reminded him.
“You lied.”
I sucked in breath and sat back.
Sam’s hand darted out, caught me behind the neck, pulled me back to him and I sucked in another breath, this one a whole lot different and I watched his eyes flare dangerously.
“Oh no, fuck no,” he whispered angrily. “First, do not pull away from me when we’re talkin’, especially when it’s about something important and second, again, do not fuckin’ mistake me for him. I’m not gonna hurt you, I want to talk to you.”
“Maybe you can do it without getting physical,” I suggested acidly and went on just as acidly, “Or without being a jerk.”
“Yeah? I asked earlier and you shut me down. Walked here with you, ordered, got served, started eatin’ and you shut me out. So I’m tryin’ other options to see if I can break through.”
My heart was beating wildly but right then my throat clogged with fear and this was not fear of Sam but a sudden, overpowering fear I was fucking up.
“I’m new to this, Sam,” I whispered. “To something being…” I paused to find a word then finished, “healthy.”
“Yeah? Well, let me clue you in, sweetheart. Shit happens, we talk it out. You do not shut me out.”
I stared into his glittering, no less angry eyes.
And there it was. I was fucking up.
“Buongiorno!” We heard called and I tore my eyes from Sam who dropped his hand from my neck and I watched Luci approach, she was fiddling with her purse, head down and talking. “I know I’m early but I’m also hungry and I like this restaurant. I’ll get some pasta, eat quickly and then,” she looked up, “shopping!”
Then she stopped dead and stared at us, her lips parting and her eyes darting between us.
Clearly, neither Sam nor I were doing a good job hiding the fact that she’d interrupted an intense conversation.
Then she muttered, “But, I think, I must go and…” she looked around her, “do something first. I’ll be back in –”
“No, that’s okay,” I said quickly, suddenly finding my body pushing back my chair. “Sit. Eat. I, um… we’ll…” I stopped talking, eyes glued to Luci, I surged up, panic controlling my movements, I grabbed my purse and whispered, “I suddenly don’t feel so well. I need to go back to the hotel and lie down. Enjoy shopping.”
Then I took off, dashing through the tables like the fraught heroine in a romantic comedy.
Enjoy shopping?
Ohmigod!
I was a nut. I was an idiot. I was a loser.
And I totally could not do this with Sam.
I wasn’t going to bore him away.
I was going to annoy him away.
God, he was so pissed.
And he couldn’t have sex with me without wearing a condom in case he caught something from me.
Something Cooter might have given me.
Before last night, I had one lover and still, he’d tainted me.
And if the tests didn’t come back clean…
I closed my eyes and nearly ran up the sidewalk, going as fast as my sandals would take me, my breath coming heavy and not from rushing, from holding back emotion. I didn’t know whether to cry, scream or find something to throw because I was so fucking angry.
At myself.
But especially at Cooter.
I slid through the doors to the hotel, raced up the stairs, pulling my key out of my bag as I went.
I was standing at my door, making my second attempt to slide the key in the lock when an iron arm clamped around me.
I choked back my surprised cry, twisted my neck and looked up to see Sam’s hard jaw, a muscle ticking in his cheek, the key was pulled from my hand, Sam inserted it and then we were in my room.
I tried to escape, pulling free from his arm but he caught me, twisting me on the way back so the front of my body hit his, his arm went back around me tight but his other hand slid into my hair, holding my head steady so I was right there when his face got in mine.
I expected him to blow, my body braced and I winced, preparing for it.
But when his voice came, it was soft, gentle but still velvet rough.
“Talk to me, baby.”
I stopped wincing and looked into his eyes.
Then I told him the truth.
“You don’t need this drama.”
“Kia –”
I cut him off. “Luci doesn’t either.”
And she didn’t. Neither of them did.
God.
God!
I ran away from the table like the fraught heroine in a romantic comedy.
How humiliating.
“Don’t worry about that shit; tell me what’s in your head.”
“Sam –”
“What’s in your head?”
“I can’t –”
His face got closer. “Tell me. What’s in your head? Tell me everything that’s goin’ through your head.”
“I’m unclean,” I blurted and his head jerked.
Then he asked, “What?”
“Sam,” I shook my head, “just let me go.”
“Kia –”
“Just let me go!” I shrieked, losing it, tearing out of his arms, taking four quick steps back, I yanked my bag off my shoulder and threw it on the bed
.
He started toward me but I lifted up a hand as if to fend him off and he stopped.
“He hit me,” I whispered, it just came out and I watched Sam’s body go rock solid but I couldn’t stop the words flowing so they kept coming. “He backhanded me and he did it so often, I had a scale, how bad it was, I’d rate it. My head whipped to the side that was a one. He took me to the floor that was a ten. And that was the worst because if I hit the floor, more often than not, he’d kick me.”
Sam didn’t move, not an inch, not a twitch, his eyes didn’t even leave me.
“He wore steel toed boots to work.”
Sam moved then, or at least the muscle in his cheek did.
He knew what I was saying.
“I tried to leave, six times, Sam, and never, not once, did I call Mom or Dad, Kyle, Missy, Paula, Teri. Even Ozzie. What was the matter with me?”
“Kia –”
“They would have helped.”
“Kia –”
“It was like, like…” I shook my head and threw up my hands, “like I didn’t actually want to leave.”
“I need to come to you,” Sam said gently but I shook my head again.
“No.” I took another step back, compounding the denial and kept right on talking. “I… he… he’d get mad when I left and he… it was bad when he got me back, Sam. I learned. I learned not to leave. And he was mean and not just mean to me. I mean mean. I tried to figure it out, what changed in him, why he wasn’t who I dated in high school. He was always cocky but he was never mean. But, after he got kicked out of college because his grades were so bad and we got married and life wasn’t so easy, he wasn’t the glory boy anymore, he had to work at things; he got mean. And I worried he’d do shit like slash their tires or get them in trouble at work or follow them, mess with them, freak them out. My Mom had a heart valve replacement, like, seven years ago. She’s okay now but it was scary before we figured out what was wrong. She couldn’t take that. Teri and Missy are single. Paula only got married last year and Rudy would never let anything hurt her, not ever but that wasn’t… she hadn’t started with him until I… until after I gave up.”
“Baby –”
I kept talking, fast, my breath coming faster, speaking right over Sam.
“He had this guy, at work, he hated him. God, he obsessed about him. Everyone liked this guy, especially Cooter’s boss. It drove Cooter wild. Just wild. He started messing with him. Screwing around with his car. Doing crazy shit. God, he’d come home, tell me what he did, I couldn’t believe it, it was so crazy but he giggled himself sick. He loved it. Every minute of it. Then there was an accident at work and the guy got hurt. It was bad. So bad, he’s on Disability now, he hasn’t worked since. Cooter never said anything to me but he calmed down after that and I don’t think it was just because the guy wasn’t around. I think it was because he made the guy not be around. I couldn’t do that to my family. My friends.”
“No, honey, that’s understandable,” Sam said softly, moving a step toward me but I took a step back and he stopped.
“But all of them, Sam, I could have rallied all of them. I see that now. These past couple of days, it’s come to me. They were there to help. Some of them even told me they were there if I needed them and they told me this because they knew I needed them. It was hurting them, watching him tearing away parts of me. And, now, looking back, I know he couldn’t have taken them all on. Especially if I talked to Ozzie. Ozzie knew. Ozzie has seen a lot in his life, his job. I knew he knew what was happening to me. I should have talked to Ozzie. He would have helped me.”
“You weren’t thinkin’ then, you were scared and protecting them and yourself.”
I shook my head. Closed my eyes then opened them and looked at him.
“He was my only lover and he made me unclean.”
“Kia, we don’t know –”
“You fuck me, you fuck him and I can’t have that for you. I can’t do that to you. So I can’t have you.”
His face changed, like an understanding, it washed over his features leaving a beautiful warmth in its wake but it didn’t penetrate even when he whispered, “Baby, that’s crazy.”
“He contaminated me and he can’t contaminate you.”
“We don’t know that.”
“We know.”
His head cocked to the side. “You know?”
“I don’t know how many women he’s been with. It could be dozens. But it doesn’t matter.” I shook my head. “It doesn’t matter.” He melted as the tears filled my eyes because it hit me and when it hit me it crushed me. “He’s already contaminated me.”
The weight of this knowledge was so heavy, my legs gave out but I didn’t hit the floor. Sam caught me in his arms, I was up then we were both down on the bed, Sam cradling me and I burrowed closer, sobbing into his chest.
“That’s right, honey, get that shit out,” Sam murmured into the top of my hair and my body bucked with another sob.
He cradled me closer and held me for a long time because I cried for a long time. Then finally, the tears came slower and I lay in his arms, held close, tight and sniffling.
“Took it too fast, movin’ on you, takin’ you to bed. Fucked up, mentioning that shit to you,” he muttered like he was talking to himself, his hand moving soothingly on my back.
I lifted my hand, dragged my fingers across my cheek, stared at his shirt and mumbled, “You should really go.”
His hand stopped moving and both arms closed around me as he asked, “What?”
“You should go.”
“Where?”
“Away from me.”
“Kia –”
I sucked in breath, lifted my head and looked at him. “I’m… you were right. He broke me and you need –”
“I know what I need, baby, you don’t. Don’t tell me what I need. Only I know.”
“Well I know it isn’t me.”
He held my eyes. Then he grinned.
Then he said gently, “Last night, I was pissed and losin’ it. That woman, rude. Takin’ our time then up in my space. She kept talkin’, I woulda said something that woulda made her kid not like me so fuckin’ much. You moved right in, sorted it out, got them what they wanted and us on our way. Been in that position too many times, Kia. Not one woman standing by my side has felt my patience go and stepped in for me. Not one woman… except you.”
I stared at him, stunned at this news. I mean, his hand got so tight in mine, how could his other women not know and, well, do something?
“Really?” I asked.
“Really,” he answered then went on quietly. “You wore those shoes you’re wearin’ now the first time I saw you.”
I felt my lips part.
He remembered.
Holy cow. He remembered my shoes.
Sam’s eyes went to my mouth and he muttered, “She gets it.”
“Sam –” I started but he immediately talked over me.
“Silver shoes the second time I saw you, blue dress.”
I closed my eyes.
I knew what he was saying.
He remembered everything about me.
“Gold when you went out with me.”
I opened my eyes and felt tears filling them again as he kept right on going.
“Your Lake Como bud, Kia, baby, she didn’t tell you about her kid because you remind her of her daughter. She told you about her kid because you remind her of her daughter and you are all she hoped her daughter would grow up to be. Beautiful, funny, friendly, classy. I know why Luci liked you at first, you looked good, pure class but effortless, not a wannabe; you looked like what she thinks would fit me. I don’t know what you did to take it beyond that but whatever it was, you did it. By the time I got to you with the champagne, you had Luci. Not one woman I’ve ever been with that she’s met has had her approval at all so definitely not that soon.”
“But –”
His arms gave me a tight squeeze and he shook his head.
“You did that, Kia, you. You talk about your family and your friends and they’re loyal to you, it’s obvious they love you and you inspire that. That fuckin’ asshole didn’t contaminate you. He was contaminated and I’ll bet he wanted to contaminate you but I know he worked hard at doin’ it. He looked at you, saw how gorgeous you are, how people care about you and he knew, you woke up, you’d see he was the piece of shit he was. So he had to drag you down so you’d never see him for what he was, leave him behind and find what you deserve.”
“But… you and me, when we’re, uh… intimate –”
His arms gave me another squeeze, pulling me up his chest so we were face to face and turning me deeper into him, tangling his long legs with mine.
Then he asked quietly, “All that you just gave me, you haven’t told any of your crew that shit, have you?”
I shook my head.
“Buried it.”
I pressed my lips together and nodded.
“Buried everything, didn’t deal, just thought you could move on.”
There it was yet again. He figured me out.
“Yeah,” I whispered.
One of his hands came up, his fingers gliding around my ear, tucking my hair behind it as he said, “Honey, shit like that, you can’t bury. You’ve gotta deal with it and part of what you gotta deal with is,” his arm went back around me and both closed tight, “that he stepped out on you and you gotta be strong enough to face another possible consequence of him bein’ a piece of shit. It’ll probably be nothing but you gotta face it, find out then put that behind you just like you need to face all this shit before you put it behind you. You can’t bury it, you gotta look right at it, see it for the shit it is, understand that completely and then put it behind you.”
I stared into his beautiful face knowing he was right. Knowing, as all this stuff came up and I couldn’t hold it back, that I had to deal with it. I wanted to bury it but that wasn’t working. So I had to face it.
And that sucked.
And I stared at his beautiful face and it came to me for the first time since we lay in bed at Luci’s house talking that this was Sampson Cooper.