Sam sucked in breath through his nose, turned to face the ocean and let it out on a quiet, “Fuck.”
“Before you got to the beach today, Luci shared that she’s cut her trip to Italy short. She’s not going back. She’s staying here.” Sam’s eyes came back to me. “At Celeste’s advice, I’m going to find my time soon and have a direct chat with her.”
“That’d be good seein’ as I talked to Vitale today after I got back from the gym but before goin’ out to the beach and he said he tried a couple of times to broach it but in the end, pulled back. Spoiled her when she was a kid. Spoiling her now. Neither time is right to do that shit but this time, he should have more balls.”
“You’re right,” I agreed.
Sam, not wearing sunglasses, looked closely at me. “You think it should be me who talks to her?”
“I think that maybe she needs you as a safe haven so if I talk to her and it goes south and colors the way she feels about me, she still has you. So, no, I think it should be me who talks to her.”
He took in another deep breath and as he did it, his arm around me got tighter, pulling me closer and he noted gently, “Not gonna be pleasant for you, baby.”
“What she said to me in Italy, what Celeste said, I don’t know but I don’t think we should ignore the signs, Sam. So unpleasant or not, it’s time for someone to step in and that someone is going to be me.”
He nodded and his arm got tighter even as his body shifted closer and he asked, “You know what you’re gonna say?”
“I’m going to tell her to sit herself down a year ago with a Gordo who knew in a year he would be gone and ask her to tell me how Gordo would feel about how she is right now.”
At that, his arm got so tight, for a second, it cut off my air but for a lot longer, it made my heart race at what might have caused that reaction.
I didn’t get the chance to ask because Sam remarked, “Baby, you don’t know him, you can’t guide that conversation.”
“You’re wrong,” I replied softly. “I know, standing here right now with you, feeling the things I feel for you, this being so good, if I found out that I wouldn’t be here a year from now, I’d tell you and I’d mean it that I’d be hugely disappointed in you if you didn’t feel what you had to feel then pull your shit together and find someone else who it was good with. And from what I know of him, Travis Gordon would say the same.”
He’d been leaning us both into the railing but at my words, he straightened, taking me with him and what we were talking about evaporated and something else bloomed. And when it bloomed, it bloomed like a mushroom cloud.
I knew it looking into his face, it was intense but it wasn’t warm. It was hard and his eyes were glittering with something, anger, definitely, but something more, something deeper, something distressing. I also knew it because his other hand suddenly came up and plunged into my hair, immediately fisting.
And lastly I knew it when he rumbled low and menacing, “Do not ever say that shit again.”
Oh God.
I’d crossed a line.
“Sam –”
His neck bent suddenly so his face was all I could see.
“Do not ever say that fuckin’ shit again.”
Oh God!
“I’m so sorry,” I whispered quickly. “You’re right. I don’t know Gordo. I don’t know what he would –”
“No,” he growled. “You’re right. Gordo would say that. Gordo would be pissed as all fuckin’ hell Luci wasn’t pulling her shit together. What I’m sayin’ is, don’t you talk about dying. Don’t you ever, Kia, fuckin’ talk to me again about dying.”
What on earth was going on?
“Sam –”
“Don’t do it.”
“Sam, honey –”
His face got even closer and he snarled, “Ever.”
Then he abruptly let me go and strode away. Not to the house, to the walkway at the side. He took it with long, angry strides, a Memphis I feared he didn’t notice bouncing at his heels, and both of them quickly disappeared.
“What on earth?” I whispered, my heart still racing, my breath coming fast and that hard look on Sam’s face burned into my brain.
* * * * *
I was in the bathroom, staring at myself in the mirror.
Earlier that evening, Sam had come back and, like I was becoming accustomed when he had an episode (with me or others), he sorted it out himself and put it behind him.
And he expected you to do the same.
The Sam who came back with Memphis after a ten minute walk was not the emotion unleashed Sam who had walked away from me on the deck. He was a laidback, mellow, clearly enjoying his beach house filled with people he cared about Sam.
Dinner was delicious. I was surprised that Maris served a fabulously succulent pork roast, buttered and herbed new potatoes and a delicious salad and not something Mexican. But I learned during dinner conversation at Sam’s big dining room table that Maris’s mother was white, her father Hispanic and Maris had unfortunately perpetuated the family misfortune when she hooked up with Sam’s Dad. Her father was not a good father, he skipped out on her family when she was a little girl and she hadn’t seen him since. Therefore, although he left her mother, her brother and Maris in the barrio, her mother was so bitter about her husband’s desertion she blocked her children learning any of the customs that surrounded them so Maris knew very little of that side of her heritage.
She also shared that Sam, too, had lost the African American side of his heritage as not only did he not want anything to do with his father, his grandparents from a very young age did not play any part in his life. Most assuredly not Sam’s paternal grandfather who was black and also who died when Sam was ten after choosing his sparring partner in a bar fight very badly, his opponent had a knife and was not afraid to use it. So he did.
I thought that was sad.
I did not share this because this was the only downer of the evening. The rest of it, we had a great time. Although not everyone got tipsy or, in Hap’s case roaring drunk, at the dinner table then when we moved to the couches, conversation was fast and fun.
It included all of us sharing amusing stories about our lives, even Celeste got into it talking about growing up in France and, with her sophisticated manner and beautiful accent, the woman could seriously weave a tale. We were all entranced.
And Hap, surprisingly but with keen attention to Luci that was hidden behind his fun-loving grins, shared about Gordo. I didn’t know why he did this but I suspected he did it because Gordo lived and Gordo was loved and Gordo shouldn’t be swept under the rug and he was making a gentle point that everyone needed to move onto happy memories.
She braved it and Sam allowed it, also smiling (though not sharing) to hide his acute attention to Luci.
Celeste and Luci left late, Maris handed out cheek kisses and went up and Hap, Sam and I shared one last drink before I went up, leaving Sam downstairs.
I was hoping he would follow me.
I got my wish. While brushing my teeth, I heard him in the bedroom.
And now I had to decide how to play it. Try to talk to him and risk being rebuffed or wimp out, risk nothing but also give nothing and gain nothing.
“Fearless,” I whispered to myself, turned from the mirror, moved to the door, opened it and exited, hitting the light on the way out.
Sam was only in jeans when I got into the room. His eyes came to me, they warmed then he moved to me, sliding his hand along my belly as he passed me and went into the bathroom, closing the door.
Memphis was lying at the foot of the bed, panting at me.
I bent over her, giving her a cuddle then I got in bed and sat cross-legged with the covers pulled up to my waist, waiting.
Sam came out, rounded the bed and when he was at his side, undoing his fly, I started.
“Can I ask you a favor?”
His eyes came to me and, like last night, he kept working his fly even as they locked on mine.
But this time they were guarded.
Not good.
“Yeah,” he answered.
“I know you don’t have a lot of room, I mean, you do just not a lot of rooms but maybe we can get an air mattress for your office or something but I’d really like to ask Mom and Dad and Kyle and Gitte out here. They’d love it.”
The guard came down and his face got soft when he whispered, “Whenever you want, baby.”
He tugged off his jeans then slid in bed beside me.
I uncrossed my legs and slid in beside him. The minute my body touched his, his arms closed around me and he pulled me on top.
I looked down at him, letting my eyes move over his handsome face then I lifted a hand, placed it against the side of his head then I let my thumb move over his handsome face.
“Kia?” he called, I stopped watching my thumb glide over his cheekbone and I looked into his eyes.
“Yeah?”
“You okay?”
“Can I tell you something?”
His arms gave me a squeeze and he whispered, “Anything.”
I shifted my thumb to his lips and whispered back, “You might freak out that it’s too soon but I know what I know. And when I say that, I know what I know. And you don’t have to feel anything but what you feel. But life is short and someone really smart who I admire told me to be fearless so here goes.” I sucked in breath, closed my eyes, opened them and kept whispering when I told him, “I’ve fallen in love with you, Sam Cooper.”
His body went solid under mine.
Oh no.
Oh shit.
Shit!
I didn’t know what I expected but that was not the response I was hoping for.
“You don’t have to say it back. You don’t have to pretend to feel it,” I said quickly moving my hand from his face to his shoulder. “I just wanted you to know –”
“Shut up,” he growled and I blinked.
“Sorry?”
He rolled so I was on my back, he was on top and he repeated, “Shut up.”
“Sam, I –”
His mouth hit mine. “Shut… up.”
Then he kissed me, hard, wet and demanding. Then I didn’t have my nightie or panties, all I had was Sam, his lips, his tongue, his hands all over me. Then, when I was whimpering into his mouth, my legs wrapped around his waist, arms clutching his back, his arm wrapped around the top of my hips, his finger building heaven between my legs and my whimpers got desperate with need, Sam felt it, heard it, knew it and being Sam, he gave it to me.
His arm around me tightened as he lifted up to his knees, taking me with him. He fell back to his calves, holding me suspended, one arm still around my hips, the other arm slanted across my upper back, fingers curled at my neck, tipping my head down. Then he drove his cock up inside me, hard and deep as he drove me down on it, impaling me. Keeping my mouth to his, he kept powering deep at the same town he yanked me down and I gasped against his lips each beautiful time I took him.
Suddenly he stopped, grinding deep, mouth moving on mine, and asked, “You feel that?”
Oh yeah, I felt it. Definitely.
“Yes, baby.”
“That feel real?”
“Yes,” I whispered.
“Open your eyes, Kia,” he ordered, voice thick and I opened my eyes, looking into his so close, they felt like they were a part of me. Then he said, “I’m not pretending to feel anything.”
I felt my eyes get wider.
Ohmigod!
Did that mean –?
“I told you you have me and, Kia, honey, you have me.”
It did.
He loved me.
My limbs tightened around him, I opened my mouth to speak but he slanted his head and kissed me. Then he fucked me. Then he made me come. Then he came.
And it was the best ever not because it was the best ever.
But because for the first time in my twenty-eight years I had fabulous sex with the man I loved…
The man who loved me.
* * * * *
Almost to dreamland, tucked close to Sam, feeling freaking phenomenal, Memphis sprawled on her side of the bed, in a voice gruff with oncoming sleep, Sam muttered, “It’s good you didn’t find a place in Heartmeadow, baby. Now you got nothin’ to sort back there and you’re just plain home.”
My eyes shot open.
Sam fell asleep.
Oh man.
Chapter Twenty-Three
You’ll Do
Two days later…
I stood at the bathroom basin brushing my teeth while Sam showered wondering how I got myself in my current mess.
This was to say, Sam thinking my declaration of love meant I was moving to North Carolina and then him telling everyone I was moving to North Carolina.
And I mean everyone.
Yesterday morning, I went downstairs only to be greeted by an excited Maris who pulled my surprised, uncomprehending body in her arms and cried, “How exciting for the both of you! Setting up house!”
Yes. That was what happened. My wide eyes moved over Maris’s shoulder and I saw Sam, who had been downstairs three whole minutes longer than me, was leaning against the counter, sipping coffee and grinning at us indulgently and he’d obviously shared this news right off the bat.
Maris’s embrace was followed by Hap wrapping his arms around me, picking me up off the floor, shaking me half a dozen times and stating, “I hang down here a lot, babe, so I hope you can cook.”
I had barely recovered from these when Luci and Celeste arrived and I knew Sam had made a call, I just couldn’t fathom when, because they arrived and Luci was beside herself with glee. This was evidenced by her racing straight to me, skidding to a halt on her stylish, flat sandals, grabbing my biceps, jumping up and down and shouting, “We’re practically neighbors!”
Celeste’s response was a little less exuberant but still openly happy.
What could I do?
I went with it.
It got worse.
And how it got worse was, over coffee and Maris’s pancake breakfast, while everyone was chatting about how fabulous it was that Sam and I had moved in together (yes, past tense), Sam’s phone rang and, for once, he didn’t move out of the room to take the call.
No.
Instead, standing by me where I sat on a stool at the kitchen bar, Sam swept my hair off my neck, left his arm around my shoulders and said, “Yeah, Ford, things are still cool. All good. Listen, Kia talked with me last night and she wants you and Essie, Kyle and Gitte to come out for a visit. Can you talk to Kyle and Essie about that? Set somethin’ up?” Pause then, “Right. Whenever you want, we got plenty of room.”
Yes, he said we got plenty of room. We!
Then my lungs froze when he went on to say, “Kia’ll need to arrange to have her shit moved here. We might come out and sort it or we might need you.” Pause then, “Yeah, she’s movin’ out here.” Pause then on a grin down at me which meant my father had somehow communicated his utter joy at Sam’s statement in the three seconds Sam was silent, “Yeah, Ford, it’s all good.”
I was blinking up at him uncertain not only what to do but also what to feel.
It couldn’t be said I was against living in Sam’s fabulous beach house with Sam in North Carolina.
It also couldn’t be said I wanted to move away from my family and friends in Indiana.
What could be said was that I would have liked to discuss both of these prior to Sam announcing it to his family, my family and arranging with my father to have my stuff moved.
Shit.
For peace of mind, I decided not to focus on Sam jumping to an erroneous conclusion and then not wasting any time acting on it. Instead, I decided to focus on the fact that Sam wanted me to live with him and wasted no time acting on it.
This was harder to do when we all climbed into vehicles in order to spend the day futzing around Wilmington.
It was harder because I also spent the day taking calls from Mom, Paula, Teri, Missy, Gi
tte and Kyle all in throes of ecstasy that Sam and I were moving in together. They all knew about it because Dad had shared. They were bummed us moving in together meant me moving to another state but they definitely felt the upside considering that included a beach house they could visit.
In fact, during Mom’s second phone call, she informed me, “Gitte and I have it sussed, honey. How does three weeks sound for you? We’ll rent a U-Haul and bring your stuff with us.” Then before I could answer she ordered, “Don’t answer. Talk to Sam. Call back. But Kyle, Gitte and I are putting in for vacation time today.”
Shit again!
Since Maris was leaving the next day, we had a fancy night out at a posh eatery in Kingston. By the time we got home, had after dinner drinks and conversation, Luci and Celeste went back to her place, Maris upstairs and Hap prepared to crash on the couch, I was exhausted from spending so much effort hiding the fact that I was freaking out.
And I was still freaking out so much I didn’t know how to broach the subject with Sam.
But even if I did, when I hit a bed with Sam already in it, I found Sam was in a different mood. Sam felt like celebrating our future togetherness, not having a chat about it. And he didn’t talk me into participating, as such, since the way he did talk me into it didn’t have words but actions. So I participated, avidly. And our celebration lasted a long, long time.
So now I was standing in the bathroom, brushing my teeth, dragging.
What had been discussed yesterday were today’s plans. Sam was taking Maris to the airport by himself so they could have some alone time. I was spending the day with Celeste so she and I could have some alone time. And Hap was spending the day with Luci then heading back to Fort Bragg.
Which meant, maybe tomorrow, I could find some time to broach the subject with Sam and today I had the time to discuss the situation with my sage friend Celeste.
I hung onto this because I was thrilled to bits that I loved a Sam who loved me but I was terrified at how fast everything was happening.
I kept brushing as the shower went off and kept brushing but commenced burying the urge to wipe down the fogged mirror in order to watch Sam alight from the shower when I heard the shower door open.