“Wheels up?” I asked.
“The plane is taking off,” he answered.
I sucked in breath and tried to pull in patience with it.
Then I said carefully, “You’re telling me you’re getting on a plane in an hour, taking off to parts unknown to do deeds unexplained and, for me, this is all at the definition of a moment’s notice.”
He finished with his watch, eyes still locked on me and he confirmed, “That’s what I’m tellin’ you.”
“And you expect me to accept that,” I whispered.
He started to look impatient. “Kia, I told you, I don’t have time.”
He didn’t have time.
He didn’t have time.
My heart started hurting, like a lot.
“You need to make time.” I was still whispering when I gave my warning.
“I cannot do this now,” he muttered, definitely impatient, he moved then bent to his bag and zipped it up.
Then, Memphis in my arms, we watched him go back to the nightstand and tag his phone. Then we watched him shove it in his back pocket. Then we watched him haul up the bag by the strap and hook it on his shoulder. Then we watched him move to us.
Then I stood immobile as Memphis shook happily in my arms and Sam gave her a head rub. Then I stayed unmoving as his hand came up, wrapped around my jaw, he tipped my head back and kissed me hard and closed-mouthed.
Then he let me go and moved to the door.
He was leaving.
Just like that. He was leaving.
I moved then.
I turned to face the door and said softly, “I love you, Sam.”
He stopped and turned to me. I saw immediately that his face had changed. His features had been guarded, the shutters down, I was shut out.
Now his face was soft, his eyes warm and intense and his lips were tipped up.
He thought he still had me.
But it would be what he would do next that would tip the balance of my heart; he just didn’t know he was being tested.
He failed at the first hurdle by whispering, “Good.”
Instantly I asked, “Do you love me?”
The guard rose up, the shutters in his eyes slammed down and my heart split right in two.
He didn’t answer.
“Do you love me?” I repeated.
“Go home,” he whispered. “Be with your family. I’ll be in contact soon’s I can.”
“Do you love me?” I asked again.
“Soon’s I can, baby.”
I clenched my teeth so I wouldn’t cry.
Maris was wrong.
It had happened.
Sam Cooper had broken my heart.
And Dad was wrong.
My heart didn’t guide me.
Not until it was too late.
When I had it under control, I said in a thick voice, “Be safe, honey.”
He jerked his chin up.
Then he disappeared.
Memphis yapped.
After long moments, I put my struggling dog down and she ran out the door after Sam as I heard the garage door going up.
I walked woodenly to Sam’s office.
I was sitting down at his desk when I heard the garage door going down.
I had the phonebook opened to movers by the time the hum of the gate stopped and I knew it had closed behind him.
* * * * *
Four days later…
The movers arrived late. They were only now just leaving.
I was pressed for time. The car that was taking me to the airport was going to be there in five minutes.
I was packed; Memphis’s crate was at the ready with my bags at the door.
I was standing at the kitchen island staring down at the note I wrote to Sam.
It said:
Sam,
I’m sorry. I can’t do this. The answer is all.
I hope you find someone who can accept the beauty you can give how you can give it.
I guess I’m just greedy.
I’ll always love you,
Kia
There was so much more to say. Then again, I wished I could find some way to make it shorter. It took four days to get the note to what it was; I didn’t have any more time so that would have to do.
I folded it, slipped it into the envelope, licked the flap and sealed it. Then I wrote Sam’s name on the front and set it on the island.
I did this deep breathing. I’d cried enough the last four days while avoiding Luci, letting the one call Sam made go to voicemail, making plans and packing. I couldn’t afford more tears. I had a trip ahead of me with Memphis in tow, I needed my wits about me and I needed energy. Tears were exhausting.
I turned to Memphis who was sitting on the floor beside me, unusually silent as she had been for the last four days. She sensed her Momma’s mood, she sensed her Momma didn’t want to talk and she was a good dog.
“Before you know it, sweetie, we’ll be home,” I whispered as I was about to bend to pick her up but I caught something out of the corner of my eye and focused on it.
Damn.
Skip.
Just like he did the one and only time he came calling, he barged right up to and through the two front doors.
I bent, picked up Memphis and met him in the living room.
“You and Sam movin’? What’s the deal?” he asked by way of greeting.
I had no idea why he was there but I knew he saw the moving van.
“Sam’s not moving, I am,” I told him, walking right by him to Memphis’s crate.
“Say again?” Skip asked my back.
I turned to him and repeated, “Sam’s not moving, I am.”
Skip scowled at me then he looked around the space before his eyes came back to me and he asked, “Where’s Sam?”
“I have no idea,” I whispered, bent to the crate and gently placed an unresisting Memphis in it.
“Shit,” I heard Skip whisper in return. This surprised me, Skip wasn’t the kind of man who whispered so after I hooked the gate on Memphis’s crate I straightened and turned to him. He didn’t delay when he caught my eyes. “Is he still doin’ that shit?” he asked quietly.
So Skip knew about “that shit”.
Whatever.
“I don’t know,” I answered. “I don’t know what he’s doing. I don’t know where he is. All I know is one minute he was here, the next minute he was gone, off to locations unknown to do stuff unknown.”
“Kia –” Skip started and I shook my head.
“I know you’re gruff and rough and speak your mind but, no offense, Skip, this is not the time and this is also none of your business.”
“Don’t give up on him,” Skip said softly, surprising me again with his tone and the intent way he was looking at me.
Seriously, I couldn’t do this now, I didn’t have the time.
And seriously, I couldn’t do this now or ever, I didn’t have the strength left to do it.
“Skip, please, this is none of your business.”
“I told you, never seen a love like what Gordo had with Luci. I’ll also tell you, closest thing to it was how Sam was with you that night at the Shack,” Skip replied.
Oh God.
Seriously! I couldn’t do this!
“You have to stop, Skip, I can’t do this. And you have to go. The car is coming to take me to the airport, it’s going to be here soon and I need to secure the house and get Memphis and my bags to the drive.”
Skip ignored me totally.
“Didn’t think Sam could be like that. Not with anyone.”
Suddenly, my hands shot up and I pressed the pads of my fingers to my forehead hard.
Then I jerked them away, twisted them palm out and pressed them toward Skip, begging, “Please, stop. I can’t do this.”
Skip’s leathery face, if it could be believed, got soft (ish).
“That boy’s endured a lot,” he told me gently.
“I know that,” I snapped harshly, scratching at
anger in the hopes it would see me through.
“You need to have patience with him. Don’t give up. What I saw of him with you, girl, he’ll –”
I shook my head again and cut him off, “No, he won’t.”
His voice got firmer and more insistent. “You have to have patience, girl.”
“You don’t know!” I cried. “You don’t know how it’s been.”
He went back to soft and gentle when he agreed, “You’re right. I don’t. I still know you gotta have patience.”
I’d had enough.
Really, could you blame me?
“It isn’t lost on me he has demons, Skip. I’ve put it together. A man doesn’t leave a professional football career to join the Army when his brother dies unless something is there, something deep, something profound. He has not shared this with me. A man does not lose his best friend and look after that man’s widow unless the bond between them is so strong death can’t break it. I know this too. He has not shared about this with me either. I’ve asked. I’ve not asked and waited for him to talk to me. We’ve fought about it. But that isn’t it. There’s a big part of his life I have no idea about. He walks away from me to have phone conversations. He leaves to meet people. I ask about this too, he doesn’t answer. He’s determined to keep those demons locked inside him, Skip, and he’s determined to keep his secrets. And I know one thing for definite about Sam Cooper. When he’s determined to do something, he’s going to do it. I tried to live with it. I tried to accept it, but I can’t. And the reason I know I can’t is, he’s gone, Skip, and it is also not lost on me that he’s not off on a goodwill mission to bring water, food and medication to drought stricken areas of Africa. He took his fucking passport. And he’s somewhere far away doing something dangerous. I know it. I’m not stupid. And I don’t have to know everything but I have to know something so I can be prepared. I deserve that. And if he loved me, he’d give me that. Whatever he’s doing means something could happen to the man I love and he should love me enough to let me decide if I want to live with that fear. And I’ll tell you what I would tell him if he’d loved me enough to give me the choice. The answer would be yes. But he should love me enough to allow me to make an informed choice, accept it and to help me learn how to live with it and prepare for the possibility that I whatever he’s doing may make me Luci. I’ve given him everything, Skip, and he’s given me so much it isn’t funny. But he’s kept important things locked away. That isn’t right. It isn’t fair. And it isn’t what a healthy relationship is based on. I can’t do it. I want it all and he won’t give it all. I asked for it and he told me I can’t have it. He told me it’s my decision and he’s right, it is so I’m making it.”
Skip took a step toward me and coaxed, “Wait it out, he’ll be back. When he comes back, I’ll talk to Hap and we’ll have a word with Sam.”
That was huge; I knew it, Skip talking to Hap to do that for me.
But I knew Sam. They would fail. If I couldn’t break through, they couldn’t.
“It won’t work,” I whispered, shaking my head.
“Woman, let us try,” Skip whispered back and my eyes locked with his.
“You know him, Skip, you know him. It won’t work.”
Skip held my eyes and I let him. This lasted awhile.
I was losing it and felt my lips tremble. Skip’s eyes dropped to them then shot back to mine.
“He gets home, I’m gonna kick his ass,” he bit off and I shook my head again.
“Don’t. Please. He thinks the world of you and he needs good people around him. You get in the middle of this, Sam won’t like it. You’re good people, Skip, and he needs you. Just let him be.”
Skip visibly clenched his teeth.
A horn honked in the distance.
The car was here.
Shit.
It was time to go.
“I have to go,” I told him quietly.
He scowled at me.
Then he muttered, “I’ll get your bags.”
I swallowed. Skip got my bags, I rushed through the house making sure the backdoor was locked, all the windows secure then I rushed back, grabbed my purse, the keys, the padded envelope I prepared and the remote on the bar. I snatched up Memphis’s crate, went to the security panel, punched in the code and hurried out, locking up behind me.
Skip and the driver were loading my luggage in the trunk when I arrived. I greeted the driver and loaded Memphis in the backseat.
Then I turned to Skip.
“Maybe one day I’ll come back and have another sandwich,” I said on a small smile knowing this was never, ever going to happen.
Kingston, North Carolina was a memory for me.
No, it was a dream, better than a memory but still, just as unattainable.
“Maybe, after I kick his ass, you will,” Skip returned.
“Skip –” I started.
“You do what you gotta do, girl, and I’ll do what I gotta do. Life’s too short to live with demons and life’s too short to miss one second bein’ with the ones you love. You gotta go, I see that. I gotta kick that boy’s ass when he comes home, I hope you can see that.”
This was Skip, I didn’t know him very well but I knew him enough to see that.
I nodded.
Sam wouldn’t like that but whatever. I’d never know. Sam said if it was all or nothing and it was my decision, he meant it.
I leaned in and kissed Skip’s cheek.
Skip surprised me again by folding his arms around me and giving me a tight hug.
I hugged him back.
“See you at the Shack,” he muttered gruffly in my ear.
I hiccoughed to swallow a sob.
Then, not looking back, I got in the car and gave the driver instructions. He did as he was told, waiting for Skip’s pickup to clear the drive, he followed and stopped.
I hit the remote.
The gate closed.
I put the remote and keys in the padded envelope, sealed it, got out and ran to the postbox mounted at the side of the gate. I shoved it through. Then I got back in the car.
I really didn’t want to, I really didn’t, I needed all my energy but as the driver drove away, I managed not to look back.
But I didn’t manage not to cry.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Tough
Three weeks and one day later…
I walked on the wet, uneven sidewalks. They were wet but it wasn’t raining.
For once.
I had not noticed London was foggy but it sure was wet.
As I rushed along the sidewalks, I couldn’t shake the feeling I was being watched. It was freaky weird and totally stupid. No one was watching me. But as I went, twice, I turned my head to scan my surroundings.
There were a sea of faces but no one was looking at me.
I rushed because I was late and I rushed because I didn’t want to get caught in rain. I had an umbrella but I’d moved out of the residential area of Kensington where Celeste and Thomas lived and into the area of Kensington where the sidewalks were rife with people. It was already a struggle negotiating the populated streets, it was a pain in the ass to do it with your umbrella bumping against and catching on everyone else’s.
Trust me, I knew this and I’d only been there a week but I still had plenty of experience.
I left Memphis behind with Mom and Dad and took off. This was, I knew, because there was a possibility Sam was back in North Carolina and I didn’t want him to come after me. I also didn’t want to be in Indiana thinking he’d come after me when he wouldn’t. He had called in the time I’d been away; he’d done it three times. All three times, I’d let it go to voicemail then deleted his messages without even listening to them, knowing it would undo me (more) if I heard his voice especially his voice coming at me not knowing we were over. I figured, with Sam, it would be the latter and he wouldn’t come after me. He might not like it and I knew he cared about me enough really not to like it but he’d accept my decision.
/>
That hurt. It shouldn’t but it did.
Then again, everything about losing Sam hurt.
Since Sam left me, I struggled with my decision. I wondered if I didn’t give it enough time, enough effort, enough patience, my mind consumed with what I might have tried, what I could have done to break through.
But lying in bed every night, tears sliding from my eyes, I knew. I knew that if Sam could see me come home from my long walk on the beach and know I came to the conclusion I came to and still not give me what I needed, he’d accept this. No amount of time, effort and patience was going to give me all of Sam.
I also gave a serious amount of headspace to considering if I should just take Sam as he could give himself to me. This was harder to come to grips with. What he gave would be enough for any woman much less me who only had Cooter as a comparison.
But something in my heart was telling me it wouldn’t work. Resentment would build. Ugliness would form. I didn’t want what Sam and I had to move in that direction. That would hurt worse.
And, bottom line, walking out on your woman to do whatever it was he intended to do without explanation, even minimal, well, that shit was not right.
So there I was, in England, with my friends, discovering new things, in the loving company of Celeste and Thomas, trying to mend my heart.
But at that moment, I really didn’t want to be out on the streets doing what I was going to be doing but Celeste encouraged me to do so. Then Thomas did.
I was at the Tate Modern museum the day before when I met him. We struck up a conversation. He heard my accent, I told him I was in London for a few weeks, he told me he’d lived in London for thirty-three years and then he suggested we should meet for coffee so he could tell me what to see that tourists didn’t normally see. Before I knew what was happening, we had plans to meet for coffee the next day.
I wanted to stand him up. But when I told Celeste about it, she encouraged me to go. Then she told Thomas and he encouraged me to go. Since it was Celeste and Thomas, they were wise, they cared about me and I cared about them, I really couldn’t say no.
And anyway, I didn’t have the strength left to fight them on it so there I was, going.