When I got to the area he told me the café was, I got a little lost. I was about to give up (and, truthfully, I didn’t try very hard before deciding to give up) when I saw the café.
Damn.
Right. Whatever. It was just a cup of coffee with a guy I met at a museum. And anyway, I wanted to see the London not many tourists got to see. Even Celeste and Thomas hadn’t been living there long enough to show that to me.
I moved inside and as I did, that feeling came back that I had eyes on me. I looked over my shoulder and again saw nothing but rushing Londoners and clueless-looking tourists.
What was up with me?
I shook it off, turned into the café and saw him.
Then it hit me I didn’t remember his name.
Shit.
Was it Jason? Jacob? Jeremy?
Shit!
He smiled at me, rising from his seat.
Shit.
Okay, just do this.
I smiled back and moved through the café. When I got there, he surprised me by rounding the table then getting in my space. Not way in my space but more than a fifteen minute conversation in front of a totally weird installation in an internationally known museum should allow. His hand came to my waist, his head bent in and his lips swept my cheek.
It was then I felt a burning intensity that was totally, totally weird. Like two laser beams were searing with pinpoint precision in my back.
I pulled away, moved back instantly, turned and glanced through the busy café.
Nothing.
Seriously, what was the matter with me?
I looked back at Jason/Jacob/Jeremy. That lip sweep was not a cheek touch or even a lip touch. It was more.
I saw the warmth in his eyes as he murmured, “Kia.”
Oh hell, he thought this was a date.
Shit!
“Uh… hi,” I replied then made a decision. “I… you…” Damn. What did I say? “Well, I’m so sorry but I’d agreed to meet you without talking to my friend, Celeste. She made plans for us this afternoon and I don’t have much time. You and I didn’t exchange numbers so I couldn’t call you and I didn’t want you sitting here, waiting for me and not knowing what had become of me. I’m so sorry but I only have a few minutes to have a cup of coffee with you. I hope you don’t mind.”
Jason/Jacob/Jeremy minded; I could see it in the flash of irritation in his eyes.
Whatever.
I didn’t have enough energy for Jason/Jacob/Jeremy’s irritation either.
“I’ll just run and get a latte,” I told him then, as he was opening his mouth probably to be a gentleman and offer to buy one for me which would make this friendly meeting into a semi-kinda-date, I dashed to the counter, stood in line and bought a small latte.
Then I went back to the table and quizzed him about what I should see in London. This lasted fifteen minutes. Several times, he attempted to ask questions about me or steer us in other directions but I kept him on target. I also sucked back my latte as fast as I could.
After the final sip, I quickly and rudely stood, announcing, “I know this is rude and thank you for giving your time to me. I really appreciate it. But I have to go. I’m so sorry.”
Then I stuck my hand at him, his head jerked to the side then he stood, disappointment on his face, and his hand closed around mine.
This kind of sucked. Standing there, his warm hand in mine, I noticed his grip was strong. I also noticed he was cute. Blond. A couple of inches taller than me. Nice eyes that were very blue. He dressed well in a layered, have to be ready for anything London type of way. He was nice as far as I could tell. And he was into me.
I just couldn’t go there. Not now. Not for awhile. Hopefully someday but at that moment or in any moment the last month, I wasn’t feeling good about that possibility.
And it was then that I got what Luci said about Gordo. Sam ruined me. The problem was, Sam was still breathing so I figured it was going to be just as hard as it was for Luci to move on. Maybe harder.
Jason/Jacob/Jeremy regained my attention by saying, “It was nice to meet you, Kia.”
He got the message. He didn’t ask for my number. He didn’t ask to meet again. He knew he wasn’t getting anywhere.
I debated telling him that the most beautiful, wonderful, sweet, loyal, fabulous man in the world broke my heart just a month ago so he would get it wasn’t him, it was me.
But I decided I probably couldn’t do that without bursting into tears so I figured I should just save him time and get the heck out of there.
“Thank you for having a cup of coffee with me. Take care,” I whispered.
Then I smiled. Then I pulled my hand from his warm grasp.
Then I got the hell out of there.
Luckily, it still wasn’t raining. Nevertheless, I rushed back to Celeste and Thomas’s. It was only a ten minute walk but I didn’t want to get caught in the rain. The wet seemed to hang in the air, waiting, threatening. It could happen any minute.
But also, Celeste and Thomas were away for the day, doing something with the team Thomas oversaw at work and their spouses. So I had the house to myself. I wasn’t good with being alone, alone made my heart hurt (more) and the thoughts that invaded when I was alone made my head hurt (more) but I was in the mood. I might even call Luci. We had only chatted briefly a couple of times because Luci got just as angry at Sam as Skip was when I called her from Indiana to tell her what was going on and I wasn’t in a place to deal with that. Now, maybe, I was strong enough to tell her I wasn’t and she could fill me in on what was happening with her.
That would be good. Take my mind off things.
I left the busy sidewalks, moved through the less busy residential section and the feeling came back that someone was watching me. No, it was more than that. It felt like someone was following me. I looked again but couldn’t see anything. Then I wondered if I should look at all. If some weird person was following me, maybe I shouldn’t let on that I knew they were there.
Maybe I should just get my behind to Celeste and Thomas’s, get inside and lock the door.
So I quickened my pace trying not to look like I was. But by the time I got up the steps to their white Georgian house, I was freaked out. It was silly, no one was following me, that was ridiculous but I still was freaked out. Totally.
God, I needed to get myself together. I was becoming paranoid.
What was up with that?
I’d reached into my purse and pulled out the keys two doors before Celeste and Thomas’s so they were at the ready. But my hands were shaking as I tried to insert the key in the latch. Therefore, I dropped them, squelched an expletive and bent to retrieve them.
When I straightened, my shoulder slammed into something hard.
Oh God, no. Someone was following me.
A surprised, small cry escaped my lips and my head twisted just as I felt the keys ripped from my hand. Fear coursed through me, I was preparing to do something defensive, I had no clue what, when my eyes hit Sam.
Sam.
A stony-faced, infuriated Sam.
Oh. My. God.
Before I knew it and without a word, the latch was open, the door was open and Sam’s big body was crowding me into Celeste and Thomas’s entry hall. Sam pushed the door closed behind us, the latch caught but I didn’t even get my mouth open before his long fingers curled around my bicep and he propelled me down the hall and into the first room on the left, the sitting room. He pulled me in, let me go and turned to close the door.
I backed across the room.
He turned back to me and his eyes seared into me.
I stopped dead.
“You’re… fucking… dating?” he clipped.
Oh shit.
It was Sam who was following me.
“No,” I whispered.
“Sweetheart, saw you meet him, saw him touch you, saw you drink coffee with him. He crashed and burned but that was not two friends having a fuckin’ chat.”
Oh man.
r /> He was angry. Really angry.
He was also here.
What was he doing here?
Following me!
Forcing his way into Celeste and Thomas’s home and being angry at me!
“What are you doing here?” I asked quietly, unable to make my voice louder, hardly able to catch a thought. Heck, hardly able to breathe.
“What am I doing here?” Sam repeated.
“Yes,” I said. “What are you doing here?”
“You’re here,” Sam stated and there it went. My breath. Gone.
It took effort but I forced oxygen into my lungs and asked cautiously, “Didn’t you get my note?”
“Oh yeah,” he murmured in a way that sent chills up my spine, his eyes changing in a way that scared the beejeezus out of me and he took a step toward me. “I got your fuckin’ note.”
I stepped back, my entire body trembling. He saw it and stopped.
“I won’t hurt you, Kia, and you fuckin’ know that,” he growled, close to the edge, I knew it by his face, his posture, the energy vibrating off him and his tone.
“No I don’t, Sam, because you already did, you’ve all but destroyed me but you didn’t lift a hand to me to do it.”
Yes. That was what I said. It came right out.
His head jerked then he stared at me, the anger shifting clean from his features and I saw him swallow.
I reached inwardly for everything I had, gathered it close, straightened my spine but still only managed to whisper, “I can’t do it. We’re over. I can’t give everything and get pieces. I can’t live with secret phone conversations and you taking off for parts unknown. I loved what we had, I tried to live with it, I thought it was enough, but it wasn’t. Living every day with another secret. Knowing the day before there were more. Wondering if the next day will mean you’ll walk away from me. Understanding in my heart that you can’t trust me with pieces of your life. I know they’re dark but I don’t care. I didn’t just want your light, your power, your strength. I wanted all of you. I asked for it. I fought for it. But you kept it from me and you did it willingly knowing I needed it. I’m sorry, Sam, I’ve made my decision. I thought I could do it but I was wrong. It’s all or nothing.”
He didn’t speak.
I did.
“I’m sorry.” It was my turn to swallow then I forced out, “You need to leave.”
Sam didn’t move.
I waited.
He still didn’t move. Not a muscle. Not even his eyes leaving me.
God. Really. He had to get out of there. He was killing me.
“Really,” I whispered and the word broke in the middle. Sam closed his eyes the instant he heard it but I pushed past it, somehow managed to keep my shit together and went on, “Please, Sam, just go.”
He opened his eyes and they locked on me, the intensity was there, more than ever before which was saying something. It was firing his eyes so blazing it was a wonder the room didn’t catch fire.
“Go,” I whispered.
Sam didn’t move.
I was losing the battle with my emotion. I wasn’t strong enough for this. I hadn’t had enough time to get to that place and tears filled my eyes.
“Please,” I begged brokenly, “just fucking go.”
I couldn’t stop it and a tear slid down my cheek.
Sam watched it go.
Then his eyes shot to mine.
“He died in my arms.”
I blinked then I froze. Completely. Head-to-toe.
Sam kept speaking.
“Bled all over me, his blood so warm, swear to Christ, I actually felt his life draining out, leaking all over me.”
Oh God.
He was talking about Gordo.
“Sam –” I whispered.
He cut me off with, “Nine words.”
He said no more.
“Nine words?” I asked quietly.
“His last words. There were only nine.”
I waited, my heart beating hard, not wanting to hear it, needing to.
It took some time but then he gave it to me.
Everything.
“He said, ‘Love you, man. Tell my wife I love her.’”
The tears came back and didn’t hover. They just fell over and slid down my cheeks one right after the other.
Sam kept talking.
“Then he died. Said those nine words then he was gone. Fuckin’ watched the light die in his eyes. Just blinked right out. I will never forget that. How he was there, Gordo, my boy, lookin’ at me and not even a second later, just a blink, he was gone for-fuckin’-ever.”
“Honey,” I whispered.
“Then I had to go tell Luci that shit.”
Oh God.
“I did it and watched the light go out in her eyes too.”
Oh God!
“Didn’t matter to her that his last thought on this earth was that he loved her and he wanted her to know that. All she could feel was that he was gone. All she knew was that she had him, all of him, so much, he’s in a goddamned chopper, the blood leakin’ outta him and him loving her is the last thing that fills his mind then suddenly, in a fuckin’ blink, all that was gone because he was gone.”
“Sam,” I said, stepping toward him but I stopped when he stepped back.
My heart skipped.
He had never moved away from me.
“Told Felicia too,” he declared.
Felicia?
I blinked then whispered, “Who?”
“Ben’s girl. The one I told you about whose friends puked in my car. Only girl he had. They hooked up when he was fifteen, she was fourteen. Got tight fast, stayed tight. She gave herself to him when she was fifteen. He asked her to marry him when she was eighteen. He was focused on his career, his education, givin’ her the life she didn’t have, the life he didn’t have. Thought he had forever to do it. He didn’t. He died before he could do it. And it was me who had to tell her he was gone. Three days after we put him in the ground, she overdosed.”
My hand flew out and I backed up until I caught a chair, steadied myself and stopped.
Sam watched me move but he didn’t. He just kept talking.
“Found her almost too late. Ma did. Her folks were whack jobs, her entire fuckin’ family, dicks and bitches. The lot of them. All she had was us. Ma was worried about her so she went to check on her. Thank Christ she did. Ma called the ambulance and then she called me. Shit was in her system. They nearly didn’t get her to the hospital in time. Then it was touch and go if she did damage to her body, her brain. She survived. She came out unscathed. She’s married now, has a kid, another one on the way. But every time I see her, every time I speak to her, the last thing she says to me is, ‘You know, he’s not Ben.’ She lives that. Her husband lives it. He’s second best to a dead man and he knows it. He tries. He loves her so he tries. Still, I do not see good things.”
“I can imagine,” I said gently.
Sam kept going like I didn’t speak.
“I thought I could take up his work where he left off. I thought, I did what he intended to do, he’d live on. But that shit keeps going. There’s always a fuckin’ enemy. There’s always a fuckin’ assignment. Idiots in suits, most of ‘em who don’t even care enough to expend the energy to walk down the hall, sit in their leather chairs and speak for their people, tellin’ men and women where to go, taking them from their families, putting them in danger, getting their legs blown off, making them bleed. That work will never be done. I gave up what I loved doin’ to take up Ben’s fight and I fuckin’ failed.”
“You didn’t fail,” I assured him softly.
“Yeah? We at war?”
I pressed my lips together.
“We’re always at war, Kia, even when we’re not. I’m trained to kill and I’ve done it, hand to hand. The light goin’ outta Gordo’s eyes was not the only light I’ve seen go out. I’ve made that light go out, with intent, and in the end I don’t fuckin’ know why.”
“To
make people safe, honey,” I told him.
“Yeah,” he whispered. “I held onto that. I held onto the fact that the men at my side, taking my back, were men the caliber you cannot conceive. Honor wears a uniform.”
“Yes,” I whispered back.
“You have that, you get out, you get lost.”
My heart skipped again.
“Lost?” I prompted when he didn’t go on.
“Lost. I loved playin’ ball but I never missed the pads and jersey. I fuckin’ missed the uniform.”
My fingers clenched the chair. “Then why’d you get out, baby?”
“Because I didn’t understand what I was doin’ anymore, I only knew I respected who I was doin’ it with.”
That was a good answer.
I was silent.
Sam wasn’t.
“They found Gordo first. A unit. Private firm. Buddies of ours. Men we knew. Men we respected. Ex-Rangers, Night Stalkers, SEALs, Green Berets. Gordo recruited me. Pay was huge. Assignments dangerous but worthwhile and infrequent. We were doin’ a K and R extraction when he bought it.”
“K and R?”
“Kidnap and Ransom. Kid was seventeen. They had him for three weeks. We went in, small team, elite, four of us. But intel was faulty. We didn’t know that and that was unusual. They had six times our number and they were heavily armed, serious shit, shit no one has but terrorists, drug cartels and militaries. It was a far bigger operation than we thought. By the time we made it to where they were keepin’ the kid, we couldn’t abort. We got him. He was weak, I was carrying him out, Gordo had my back, he always fuckin’ had my back. He was providing cover fire. Then he stopped and I knew why. I got the kid to the chopper and went back for Gordo.”
Oh God.
I didn’t want to hear this but more, I didn’t want Sam to relive it. I had enough; he didn’t need to give me more. Suddenly, I didn’t need everything.
“Sam –”
He kept talking, intent on giving it all.
“It was stupid, against all my training but I couldn’t leave him behind. He was my boy. He was Gordo. He wanted me to teach his sons football. I wanted him to stand up with me when I found a woman who was worth it. I got in, I got to him and I did it by killing twelve men. Twelve. That’s a lot of blood on my hands but I didn’t care. They were filth and he was still breathing. He took three to the back. He had my back, no one had his and he took three. For me.”