The weight he carried, my God, so fucking heavy. How did he bear it?
“Baby –”
“I got him home.”
“Sam –”
Suddenly he moved and he did it so fast, his big frame coming at me, my only thought was retreat and I did. Going back I kept doing it until I hit wall and I hit it hard.
Then Sam’s body hit me, pressing me in, his hands came to my jaw and his fingers dug in, his face in my face, so close, the world melted away and it was only him and me.
“Love you, man. Tell my wife I love her,” he whispered.
That haunted him.
It haunted him.
Gordo was haunting him.
The tears formed and slid down my cheeks again as my hands lifted and fisted in his shirt.
“Baby –” I started.
“Love you, man. Tell my wife I love her.”
“Sam –”
“Felicia, broken. Luci, broken. I didn’t want to break you.”
Oh God!
I went up on my toes as my hands slid up to his neck, fingers curling around and digging deep.
“Honey, let me –”
“He had that in his death. Ben, no doubt, no fuckin’ doubt thought about Felicia in his final moments. I can take that. Fuck, I buy it, I want that, my last thoughts on this earth to be of you. But they didn’t know. They had no fuckin’ clue what they left behind. I knew. I lived that shit twice. And I was not going to do that to you.”
“Please, Sam. I –”
“I love you, Kia.”
My breath left me and I stared. I wasn’t breathing but my eyes were still forming tears and they were falling.
Sam’s thumbs slipped through them but his eyes didn’t leave mine when he semi-repeated, “I love you, baby.”
“Sam,” I breathed then said no more. I had no words to say. I couldn’t even think.
I could only feel.
And what I felt felt fucking great.
“You cannot leave me,” he whispered, his hands tightening on my face and he repeated, “You cannot leave me.”
“Okay,” I whispered back, my hands tightening too.
He either didn’t hear me or decided to ignore me because he continued.
“You walked into that dining room, baby, and you know, the minute I saw you, I wanted to fuck you. Two days later, I saw you outside havin’ a drink and even before you looked at me with tears in your eyes, just when I saw you sittin’ there, I was annoyed, thought you were playin’ games, and I didn’t care. Just you sittin’ there I knew it was you.”
He knew it was me.
Me.
I closed my eyes.
“Look at me,” Sam ordered quietly and I opened them. “Weeks after that, Kia, I saw you standing in my kitchen writing a grocery list, doing nothing, just writing a grocery list. But you’d just made me laugh and, just like you, you made me do it hard. That shit with Gordo, with Luci, losin’ Ben, Felicia tryin’ to off herself, that shit’s too much, it wears you down. I hadn’t laughed like that in months, not since Gordo died and in that moment, you in the kitchen, I realized I did it all the time with you. There were times before, a lot of them, I’d look at you and feel your pull, so strong. I wanted to fight it, deny it but I couldn’t, you wouldn’t let me and I didn’t get it. But seein’ you standing in my kitchen, effortlessly beautiful, writing a fuckin’ grocery list after you made me laugh like that, I knew what it was. I got it. I knew it was more. I knew that wasn’t an offer. That was a promise. Even with all the shit goin’ down with you, shit that would wear any other woman down, it didn’t with you and you gave me that from the beginning. And it hit me then that was what my life would be like if I lived the whole of it with you. And I knew I couldn’t live without you.”
Oh. My. God.
He couldn’t live without me.
His face got close. “You cannot leave me. You can’t. I can’t live without you.”
He couldn’t live without me.
He was in hell, just like me.
And just like he did for me, I showed him heaven.
“Sam,” I whispered, melting into him, “I said okay.”
“Never,” he returned immediately.
“Sorry?”
“Promise you will never leave me.”
“Sam, honey, I love you.”
“But you left me.”
“Right, because you left me. But now you’re back and you just gave me all of you. I needed it; you came all the way to England and gave it to me so now that I have you, all of you, I promise you, honey, I will never leave you.”
He stared at me and I let him.
Then he said, “You went on a date.”
Oh man.
“It wasn’t a date,” I told him.
“Looked like a date,” he told me.
“Well, it wasn’t. We had coffee. I was only there fifteen minutes. That’s not a date.”
“So who was he?”
“Some guy I met at a museum. He was nice, friendly, asked me for coffee so he could tell me what parts of London I should see. He’s from here.”
“It was a date.”
I felt my eyes narrow and snapped, “Sam! He was just being friendly!”
“To you, because you’re clueless about bein’ beautiful. To him, he wanted in there.”
He was, of course, right.
But…
Seriously?
We just had a month of separation and an emotionally charged drama and we were here?
I took my hands from his neck and planted them on my hips.
“Honestly? I see you for the first time in a month, I think we’re over, my heart is broken, I cry myself to sleep every… single… freaking night knowing I’ll never have all of you, wanting all of you so much it hurts to breathe and knowing even what you gave me will be better than what I could get from anybody, worried that I made a huge mistake but knowing in my heart that I couldn’t live with the secrets. Then you come back, give me all of you then you give me shit about some stupid guy who means nothing to me, so much of nothing I didn’t even remember his name. A guy who I will never again see instead of, oh… I don’t know,” I said the last sarcastically, “maybe kissing me?”
Sam glared at me.
Then his gaze shifted over my features, his face went soft, his eyes went warm, his lips twitched and his hands slid back into my hair.
“You didn’t remember his name?” he asked.
“No,” I snapped.
His lips twitched again.
Seriously!
Then he whispered, “You want me to kiss you, baby?”
It was my turn to glare at him and I returned, “I did. Now I’m thinking, not so much.”
His lip twitch turned into a smile as his hands in my hair tilted my head one way, his head slanted the other and his lips muttered against mine, “Tough.”
Then he kissed me.
It was heaven.
* * * * *
Naked, lying next to a naked Sam in his huge, posh hotel room, my cheek to his shoulder, I was drawing random patterns on his chest with my fingertips while my eyes watched.
Sam was drawing random patterns on my hip but I doubted his eyes were watching.
After Sam kissed me, he dragged me out of the house, down the street and he hailed a cab. Then he shoved me in it, told the driver his hotel and ordered me to text Celeste to let her know I wouldn’t be home until the next morning. Late the next morning. And when I went there, it was only to pick up my stuff.
I texted Celeste, the taxi took us to Sam’s hotel then Sam dragged me out of the cab and up to his room.
The door barely closed before he was kissing me. Half my clothes were gone before we got to the bed.
And there we stayed for hours as Sam welcomed me home and I returned the favor.
Now was now.
And I was watching my hand move on his fantastic chest thinking a year ago I had nothing and now I had everything.
Ever
ything.
And I wasn’t talking about millions of dollars, a ridiculously expensive robe and a beach house.
All that could be gone and the man who was lying beside me all that was left and I’d still be a girl with everything.
On this thought, Sam’s voice came to me.
“You want it all?”
I stopped drawing, lifted my head and looked at him to see his eyes on me.
They were sober.
All he gave me before, he wasn’t done.
Oh man.
Well, the only answer to his question was affirmative.
I wanted it all. The dark, the light, the good, the bad, the laughter, the fights.
All of it.
When it came to Sam, I was greedy that way.
So I lifted up, shifted and then settled down mostly on his chest, my gaze never leaving his.
Then I whispered, “Yes.”
“I’m in a situation.”
Great. He was not an ex-commando, he was a current one.
This could mean anything.
“What situation?” I asked carefully.
“Got a dead best friend, a dead brother and now, lyin’ on me, a woman who’s worth it. I don’t need the money so I don’t need the work. It’s time to leave the unit.”
Thank you, God.
Thank you, God.
I didn’t verbalize this thought or, say, get up and dance around the room.
I just nodded.
“So what do I do?” Sam asked.
When he said no more, I asked back, “Is this an essay question or are you going to give me multiple choice?”
He grinned then both his arms wrapped around me and he pulled me full on him.
I left a hand at the warmth of his chest but wrapped my other one around his neck, my thumb moving lazily against the stubble of his square jaw and he spoke.
“Three offers from three different networks. They’ve been on the table awhile. They know the others are gunnin’ for me and they keep pushin’ it. I thought they’d back down but they haven’t. They think I’m playin’ hardball so they keep offerin’ more shit. Now the pay is off the charts.”
“Networks?”
“Television networks. Sports shows. One offer is to join a panel, Sunday game banter. One is for my own show, once a week for the football season, talk about football, have guests, shit like that. One is to be the man on the field and in the locker room, interview coaches and players.”
Although for your average man, your not-so-average man and your seriously cool man, all of these sounded awesome.
But I could not see Sam doing any of them. In fact, it kinda weirded me out in a bad way just to think about it.
This must have been written on my face because Sam’s arms got tight around me and he burst out laughing.
I watched.
I missed that.
And he loved it that I gave him that.
I missed it so much and I knew he loved it so much that it actually hurt having it back. It wasn’t a beautiful pain, it was just pain.
I wasted a month of our lives and it hurt.
It wasn’t stupid, I followed my heart and it led Sam back to me, all of him.
Still, it hurt.
Sam stopped laughing and his eyes focused back on me when he explained, “Your face, honey, says exactly what I keep thinkin’.”
“Okay so A, B and C are out. Is there a D?” I asked.
“Got an offer to be the Defensive Coordinator for an NFL team. Again, pay is good but it doesn’t have to be. I got all that I need and if I didn’t, my woman is loaded.”
That got him a grin.
Sam grinned back.
“Well, that sounds like you like the idea better but you’re obviously not doing cartwheels about it,” I noted.
Sam’s grin got bigger as he told me, “Never did a cartwheel in my life.”
“Mental cartwheels,” I explained.
“Never did those either.”
“Sam!” I snapped, slapping his chest. “You know what I mean.”
“Yeah,” he kept grinning then his face grew thoughtful. “They’re dumpin’ the guy they got. He’s performing, it’s politics. The head coach doesn’t like him and the head coach is not performing. Thinks he’s competition and he’d be right. Higher ups aren’t smart enough to see the head coach is talkin’ them into dumpin’ the only talent they have on the coaching squad. I do not need that shit in my life.”
“No, you don’t,” I agreed. “Is there possibly a choice F?”
That was when Sam’s face grew even more thoughtful.
“Talked to Tanner,” he said and I thought I knew where he was going. Sam was thinking about becoming a private investigator which would be cool… ish. It also might continue to be dangerous which was something I wasn’t a big fan of.
“And?”
“His boys play ball. Their coach just got heaved. Physically abused his son right on the field then did some other crazy shit and now he’s in prison.”
Whoa.
“College?” I asked.
“High school,” he answered and I blinked.
“High school?” I queried. “A high school in Indiana?”
I didn’t know what to think about this. Would we sell the beach house?
I didn’t want to sell the beach house.
“No, baby, they promoted from within. Those boys are already training. That’s not an option.”
My face dipped closer to his and I said softly, “It would be an option for Sampson Cooper. Any high school program would consider you for their coach. They’d freaking love it.”
“I use my name and celebrity without anything to prove I got what it takes, the coaching squad won’t love it and if I don’t have a decent team loyal to me at my back, the boys pay.”
I was confused.
“So this isn’t option F?”
“I told you that because it gave me the idea. The Kingston Wildcats’ coach retired last season after twenty years. They hired a new guy out of Texas. Their training has started too. When I got home two days ago, found you gone, took off to find you. But while I was home, one thing I did learn ‘cause Skip talked to Hap, Hap made some inquiries and Skip, Hap and Luci were waitin’ for me at the beach house when I got home.”
Uh-oh.
Sam went on.
“Hap and Luci were itchin’ to lay into me, plain to see, but they didn’t get in a word. Skip chewed me out then after I told all of them to take a hike, they didn’t. I left them on the deck, found your note, made my own decision. They all followed me in, I told them I had shit to see to, they got it, cooled off and then Skip shared that the new coach was already caught helpin’ kids to get juiced so he’s out on his ass. The team has no coach. The old guy came outta retirement to take up the reins again and he loves the game but when you make a decision that it’s the end, it’s the end. His heart isn’t in it. He wants to be fishin’.”
I decided it was best to process the Skip/Hap/Luci drama at a later date and asked, “So do you want to coach a high school football team?”
“My degree is in education and I never used it.”
I smiled at him. “So you want to coach a high school football team.”
He stared at me.
Then he said quietly, “That’s when it’s exciting. The boys are young, they know what they’re doin’ but they still got a lot to learn. They’re hungry. College, part of ‘em is hard, part of ‘em is soft and greedy. It’s about the game just as much as it’s about tail and, if you’re good, money. My coach in high school was the shit. He taught me early that I should always focus on the game.” He smiled then continued, “That’s not to say I didn’t take my share of tail and wasn’t glad to get the money but all the way to the pros, it was about the game, the team, winning. Having that served me well when I enlisted. I already understood team. I understood focus. I understood doing what it takes to win.”
“So coach high school football.”
His arms gave me a squeeze and his face got serious.
“Baby, this is it, this is us, you and me, that’s the future. You wanna tie yourself to a high school football coach?”
All right.
That pissed me right… the fuck… off.
And Sam saw it or felt it or both.
“Kia?” he called.
“You know, it sucks you’re big, tall, strong and fast because I’d like to get a punch in right about now and I figure you have the skills to deflect it.”
His brows drew together. “Come again?”
“Sam,” I hissed, my face getting super close to his. “You told me you had a burning desire to clean toilets, sure, that would kinda freak me out but if that’s what you wanted to do, I would not care. Be a janitor. Be a high school football coach. Have your own network talk show. Build Zen gardens. I don’t care. If this is it, you and me, that’s all I need. Just as long as I’m me and you’re Sam and we’re happy. What you just asked is about Sampson Cooper and I’m not in love with him.”
“That wasn’t what I asked.”
“Yes it was.”
He stared at me.
Then he grinned.
Then he muttered, “Fuck, it was.”
I rolled my eyes.
Sam rolled me to my back with him on top of me.
Then he asked, “You’re cool with me being a janitor?”
I rolled my eyes again.
Sam’s body shaking with laughter shook mine and I rolled my eyes back to him.
Then, in all seriousness, I answered, “Yes.”
Sam’s laughter died.
Then with warm intensity in his eyes, he whispered, “Fuck, I love you.”
My anger died and my arms slid around him.
Then I smiled at him.
Then I whispered back, “Good.”
Epilogue
Heaven
One year later…
“Hey, Mrs. Cooper!” I heard shouted and I looked up from the tray of sliced tomatoes, onions and lettuce leaves I was arranging to the front door.
Three of Sam’s boys were crowded there, grinning at me.
“Yo,” I replied.
Their grins got bigger. They knew me and thought I was a dork. In fact, Demaine, who was standing there, was brash and hilarious and at the barbeque Sam and I had for the boys at the end of last season, told Sam right out, “Your woman is hot, Mr. Cooper, but she’s a total dork.”