Solitude was not often a choice I made. It was thrust on me. It became my second companion. The voice was my first and had pride of place. Solitude, on the other hand, was domineering. And the truth was that I disliked domineering people. Having been married to one in the past etched that dislike deeply. Yet I had mixed feelings about solitude. I was an eclectic woman – seeing and appreciating what was good in all. So, the times I chose solitude, I found it calming.
I had gone to bed after 1:00am so I slept in that Saturday. I got up after ten in the morning. As usual, I drank a glass of water; then sat in the dining area to read my emails. I also spent some time on Facebook. I read the daily updates for the Young and Restless. An hour later, I made some instant breakfast cereal. As I ate, I updated my LinkedIn page, Twitter page and Facebook page.
It was a cold day for early autumn. I looked out my window; everything was stationary and serene. Pretty much like my life at the moment. The fall drizzle had long ceased. The sun was still in hiding. The trees stood still, not even shivering. I could hear the silence. There was positive calmness in the air too. I sat back relaxed on my cream and yellow fabric loveseat, drawing from the tranquillity. Your life is not on hold. Silence does not mean inaction. Change is constant. I wanted to accept the wisdom in the voice. But I ended up sitting on the fence.
**********
I must have dozed off. A notification on my tablet woke me up. I sat up and looked at the screen on my lap. Sure enough, there were messages. Two new mails, four requests to connect on Twitter and one LinkedIn request.
One email was from Michael on my Yahoo account and the other, from Shirley on my personal gmail account, not the dating email address.
Hey,
It’s over a month since we last communicated. I hope you’re doing fine. What job are you working these days? Have you made some new friends yet?
Things are going well here at the PI. Arnold has moved to the headquarters in New York. He always wanted that in as long as I have known him. A replacement is yet to be sent and that has made my job more challenging. I have to take on some of his duties because my staff is not experienced enough to handle them. Regardless, I’m able to achieve balance by going to the gym regularly and biking. My wife is now working in PI. She’s been making sure I eat well and healthy. We also make time to take walks together and go to the movies.
It’s early fall but as expected the cold has set in. Just that there’s no snow yet. It will certainly turn out to be another bitter cold winter. There’s no getting used to or around it.
That’s all from here for now. Take care.
Michael
I was in a rage. It was one of those emails I wished I had not read. I knew that in spite of the pain, I was going to read it again. How insensitive can a man be? Telling me about his blissful marriage when he knew what happened in my marriage. Not only that. It was more brutal coming from him. It was good if his marriage was restored but wth! What was with him? Was he so dumb he thought I wanted to know what was going on in his marriage when we were almost incommunicado? What a dumb ass! I drew a long, deep sigh. I was more vexed than I thought possible. To hell with you, Michael. Who cares what the likes of you two are doing? I said that aloud, scowling. Perhaps his email got me upset because I had not completely let go of the obsession I thought I had for him. I was done venting. He was not worth it.
Surprisingly, I felt better immediately. I beamed at myself for not succumbing to self-pity or shedding a tear.
I then proceeded to read Shirley’s email.
Hi Erin,
Aloha!
David and I are so glad to hear that you’re doing well. Have you been doing any writing recently?
We’re still in Hawaii. David is doing some private tutoring and I’m catching up on my memoir writing. Our son, Dylan came up with his fiancée for a visit. It was fun having them around for a few days. They’re relocating from New York to San Fran; so it will be till Christmas before we see them again.
Talking about New York, did you hear that Arnold at the Minot PI has moved to the PI headquarters? I’m really happy for him. He was promoted – I don’t know what his title is though. He’s a good man. I remember you saying he’s the best team leader you’ve ever worked with and I know what you mean. He never favoured anyone over the other and treated everyone fairly.
By the way, have you been communicating with anyone at Minot PI? I ask because I got a few emails from former colleagues and they seemed to hint at stuff that made no sense to me. It has to do with Michael and Jill. I won’t bother you with office gossip. Perhaps, there’s no truth to it. Not to worry, it has nothing to do with you.
How’s the weather in Victoria at the moment? I understand you have amazing weather there. Some US cities are getting extremely cold already. I must say, I’m relieved that we’re going to still be in Hawaii come winter.
Do write and let us know how you’re doing.
Love, Shirley
I read Shirley’s email a couple of times. What did she mean by a rumour involving Michael and Jill? I was not in touch with anyone at the PI except Michael. I struggled to push the thought out of my mind. It was easy since I was still fuming. Just a little.
My thoughts went back to Michael’s email. It was not the first time he had made insensitive remarks in his emails but I had overlooked them. Not anymore – I was not going to reply.
That evening, I got another email from Michael asking that we chat but I ignored it. Next, I removed him from my chat list and set my account so he would not know when I was online.
**********
The following day, I wanted to go to church but did not. My church attendance since returning to Canada had become so erratic it bothered me.
After doing routine stuff like checking mail and updates, I decided to use the search engine to find out more about the two men, Andy and Ethan. I was interested in both but had been procrastinating about making concrete arrangements for a meet up with Andy. I listened to music online on the Christian radio, KLove.com. They were playing Natalie Grant’s Your Great Name which was one of my favorite worship songs. I focused on enjoying the music until it ended. I kept the station on as I turned to the search engine page.
I started with Andy. I saw several people at various locations with the same first and last name. I narrowed it down to BC and Victoria. There were still many of them. I knew he was rich and so should be in the news. A few minutes later, there it was. One had his photo so I could correctly ID him. I saw news items and business reports involving him. It was then I discovered he was a multi-millionaire. He owned the Seven Towers Hotels in Surrey, Vancouver and Victoria. He had several housing estates, condos, and apartment blocks. His head office was here in Victoria because he thought, rightly so, south Vancouver Island had the best weather in the whole of Canada. His home town was Kamloops. He had an office there. He never let on that he was that successful. I concluded that he was a humble guy. I felt elated that he was showing serious interest in me. I began to feel an overwhelming sense of confidence and wholesomeness that had not been there in a long time.
But why was such a cute rich guy looking for love through a dating cum matchmaking agency? I had no answers.
Next, I searched for Ethan. Just like Andy’s, there were several people with his name. After narrowing it down, I was able to locate his profile based on the information I already had about him. I saw something on LinkedIn that was obviously his profile. However, I declined logging into my LinkedIn account so I could view his detailed profile. I did not want him being notified that I had viewed his profile.
I soon lost interest in that activity and wondered how I was going to spend the rest of the day with only solitude as my companion. From nowhere that I knew of, an amateurish inspiration surfaced. It was my poetry muse, I hope. Then I began to write.
When I see the approach of another fall season
My heart overflows with gratitude.
When I see
the changing colours of trees
My thoughts focus on the creator of the foliage
When I breathe the refreshing air and feel the crisp air on my skin
My love heightens for the maker of it all
When I see the dancing trees and golden leaves
When the streets burst into happy flames
When the sun makes a reluctant, sporadic appearance
When trees begin shedding their leaves
I know my favourite season is here
And Christmas is just around the corner.
Chapter Twenty-one
THE DAY FINALLY ARRIVED. I was meeting Ethan face-to-face for the first time. Actually, it was going to happen in an hour. I had been having jitters all week. It was so bad yesterday that I could not sleep last night. It was a good thing it was my day off.
I had been thinking about what to wear, right from the day we agreed on a date and time. I was still not sure what. I had narrowed my choices down to three. Making the final decision still was not easy; so I stood before my closet eyeing my clothes. Should I wear my black work pants or faded blue jeans? Both accentuated my attractive slim curves. Which top should I wear? It was slightly chilly and the Gorge Waterway Park would be cold. I considered wearing a baby pink blouse and a jacket. But which jacket? Should I wear my blue jeans jacket or black and white trench coat? I was disoriented and so was not likely to make the best choice. They were all very comfortable and attractive which made it more difficult to settle on one. I heaved a deep sigh and walked away from my closet. If Sandra was not busy with mid-term assessments, I would have asked her to come over and help me. It was at that pointed I concluded that procrastination was indeed a vice.
Leaving my bedroom, I paused in front of the mirror on the wall by the entrance door. I should have had my hair done. My shoulder length auburn hair needed grooming. A few months ago, I had gone to the hair salon to have my hair done. It had been trimmed and styled so that it looked like Victoria Beckham’s favorite hairstyle; nicely framing my face, showing off my beautiful neck and clear skin. As I looked at my portrait in the mirror, I grimaced at my unruly below shoulder length hair, wishing the outing had taken place soon after my hair trimming. I was not sure what to do with it. I had never been a creative person when the subject was hair styling.
A few minutes later, I was able to relax in the thought that I was not going to stress myself over a man I might not feel a connection with and who might see me and decide I was not ‘the one’. It was as well that I had promised myself to keep a close watch over my heart.
I ate a light lunch of Panini sandwich; then sat back to watch an episode of ‘The Young and Restless’. After the show, I showered and started getting ready for my date. I was still nervous but I was beginning to get excited too. It was a delicious blend of anxiety and anticipation.
I decided to wear a dress instead. It was a knee length dress with a white background and bold random black lines. I wore my Tabitha Simmons ankle length summer boots. They were cognac in colour and so went well with my dress. I took along my leather jacket of similar colour to wear if it became chilly. I chose one of my favourite fragrances, Viktor & Rolf (V&R) Flower Bomb perfume and dabbed a little behind my ears and a couple of other places. It was one of those luxuries I occasionally indulged in.
Ethan and I had exchanged cell phone numbers by email. As I got off Bus #11 at the stop after Fairway Market, I knew I could call him if there was a mix up. I crossed the road as the walk sign showed; and began to walk down Gorge Road. I kept walking on the opposite site of the road because Ethan had told me he would be sitting in his car. A black Porsche.
I saw his car from a distance. As I drew close, I saw a man sitting inside and felt sure that was Ethan. He started getting out, looking at me. I knew my dress flattered my figure and showed off my lovely legs. I was glad to show off those attributes.
Ethan was out of his car, smiling at me as he shut the driver’s door. I returned his smile. He met me right in front of his car.
What struck me immediately was that he looked very different from his photos. He stood before me – athletic, groomed, and very attractive. Suave but casual.
“Luna.” It was a statement.
I smiled at him. “Actually, that’s my middle name. My first name is Erin.”
“Nice name, Erin.”
“Thanks.” I was dumbstruck by the spark or chemistry I was feeling. My heart was pounding with excitement as he kept smiling at me.
I uttered the next thing that occurred to me. “Nice ride you have here.” I usually did not engage in conversations on the topic of cars; but I honestly thought his car was cool. I had deep-rooted distaste for white cars as well as some black cars. I had always felt that a car in either of those colors would look better in red or some other ‘nice’ colour. But Ethan’s car could not have looked better in any other colour. Everything about the car spoke of masculinity and class. It was a cross between conservative and trendy – an unbeatable combination as far as I was concerned.
Talking about his car helped us relax some during that first meeting although most of what he said was technical jargon to me and did not register. My knowledge of cars was minimal. My only car had been chosen by Dick although I paid for the purchase.
We stood looking at each other and then laughed out loud.
“Would you like to take a short walk by the sea?” He was nodded towards the park across the road.
“Sure.” I remembered the last time I had been there on my own and the serenity I enjoyed.
He locked his car using the remote control. We walked around it and waited as a Bus#11 drove by heading for downtown.
It was very quiet. We walked by a handful of people. The day was lovely too. It was not windy. The sunshine came and went at unpredictable intervals. We strolled past many seats with inscriptions. Most were made of marble. I noticed that Ethan reduced his pace to match my shorter one. I had heard that it was an indication that a guy was very interested. I suppressed a giggle.
“You look even more beautiful in person.” He looked at me and then looked ahead.
“Thanks…I must say the same of you without meaning to sound contrived.” I meant it. His unruly appearance had been traded for a well-groomed beard. He was wearing a casual t-shirt, black leather jacket, and blue jeans. He looked like some hot Hollywood actor. I almost felt unworthy of him but his genuine compliment reassured me. I also reminded myself that I was a beautiful, talented woman. Even with all the verbal abuse, Dick always acknowledged that. Also, somewhere in my subconscious, I dreamed that someday I would meet a worthy man who would feel lucky to have me.
Ethan brought me back from dreamland. “Would you like….” The shrill of his cell phone interrupted his question. He seemed shocked. “I thought I left that when I rushed home to change my clothes. I won’t bother answering it. Sorry about that.”
The repeated shrill music was still emanating from his pocket. “Perhaps, you should see who is calling.” I could not relax with the constant ring tone invading the quiet atmosphere. It stopped and started again after a short interval.
I stood, silently nudging him. He retrieved the noisy gadget from his front jeans pocket. He looked at it casually and then touched the accept call button. He listened and said “Okay” a couple of times. “I’ll be there shortly.”
He ended the call and looked apologetically at me. “It’s the minister. I submitted an investigative report to him this week. He’s travelling to Ottawa tomorrow morning for a meeting and can’t find his copy. I need to get to the office, log into my work email and resend it to him. Please come with me.”
My first instinct was to refuse. I understood how urgent it was but I did not want to go with him, a stranger. As he waited for my response, I quickly made up my mind to go with him. What the heck! At least it would give me an opportunity to get to know him better.
**********
Ethan’s of
fice was so posh it blew me away. I felt he was a cool dude but his office took my breath away. Big space – lots of space. Well lit. White and beige walls. The rug was beige too. Black, shiny leather visitors’ sofa. His office suite was custom made in black mahogany. It was an L shape desk with Hutch. It also had three black and gray leather matching guest chairs. There was a rectangular brown book shelf where some photos and souvenirs were on display. On the wall was a beautiful art work of the blue sky, sea, and vegetation with the words: ‘All I have seen teaches me to trust the creator for all I have not seen.’
Ralph Waldo Emerson.
As he worked at his desk, I moved around the office admiring the souvenirs. I soon lost interest in those and went to sit on one of the three visitor chairs across from him. I began to scrutinize him.
I liked his eyes and eyebrows. His bluish green eyes made his face irresistible whenever he looked up in my direction. He had clear skin with just the right amount of hair on his arms. I was always put off by too much hair on a man. I already noticed at the park that he was not more than six feet tall, about 185 pounds, broad shoulders, and a strong face. I had to admit it – he had very sexy, masculine hands.
He had removed his baseball cap and I noticed a healthy crop of hair that was beginning to gray just like his beard. It all blended into an endearing look. As he raised his head again, I looked away.
In a quarter of an hour, he was done and got up. “I’m really sorry. I’ve messed up our first date.” As he stood before me, I got up. He was taking the interruption very seriously and I liked that.
‘Not a problem. At least I got to see your office sooner.”
“You’re right.” He was smiling playfully. “It took me so long to talk you into today’s date….”
“I know!”
“It would have taken me another couple of months to get you here.”
I did not know how to respond to that. So I just smiled, shaking my head in wonder.