‘I’m okay. There’s something I need to discuss with you.”
“I can tell that something is wrong. I’ll come over right away. Is that okay?”
“Sounds good.”
“See you in a bit. If you’re up to it, we could go grab dinner at one of our favourite places.”
“See you soon, Ethan.”
After we ended the call, I sat down wondering the best way to go about the issue. Ethan and I had agreed soon after we started dating that it was exclusive and serious relationship we wanted. I made it clear from the beginning that I did not believe in sex outside of marriage and he had not pressed me. In fact, I felt that he respected me for it.
Since he had not given me any reason to believe that he was seeing any other woman, I needed to be careful not to come across as accusatory.
Ethan would be knocking at my door soon. I went to the bathroom to freshen up.
My heart had calmed some but I was still hurting.
When I heard the firm knock on the door, I felt something akin to a mixture of relief and panic. I opened the door slowly, a tremulous smile on my face. “Hi Ethan.”
Ethan’s face showed he was worried. “What’s going on, Erin?” He held my hand as we walked into the living room. I went to sit on one of the stools in my mini-bar. Still holding my hand, Ethan drew the second stool close and sat down.
“I don’t know where to begin…. Would you like to tell me why we are not friends on Facebook?” It probably sounded lame but that was what came to my mind to ask.
“I have a Facebook account but I’m not a Facebook kind of guy. In fact, I haven’t logged in to Facebook for months now.”
Ethan was still holding my hands. I slowly extricated my hands from his. “Do you have Facebook friends?”
“I do and what’s the point?”
“Just wondering why we are not friends on Facebook.”
“If it’s a big deal to you, why don’t you look me up and send me a friend’s request?”
I kept my voice calm as I replied, “I already did."
“When?”
“Some months back.”
“And you thought I saw it but didn’t accept?”
I knew I had to tread cautiously so it did not look like I was jumping to conclusion without first allowing him explain.
At the same time, I decided to take the bull by the horns. “I didn’t know what to think all this time but it never bothered me much until today when I saw you were friends with someone who has your photo on her Facebook page.” I must have said all that in less than ten seconds.
“Some woman has my photo on her page?” He looked incredulous.
“Yup. The woman sent me a friend’s request but I don’t know who she is. I decided to check her profile and that’s how I saw your photo on her page.”
“What’s the name of this woman?”
“Emily Johnstone.”
He did not seem to immediately remember who that was. “There’s an Emily I dated a couple years ago. If she’s my friend on Facebook, it isn’t a recent addition. ”
“How come she has a photo of you two put recently on her page?”
“I have no idea, Erin. I just can’t remember a photo of the two of us being taken?”
“I know what I saw.”
Ethan got up. “Looks like you are upset about something. Or it is that you think I’m seeing someone besides you?” His eyes were trained on me like he was reading me and then, like he was completing his train of thought, he said, “which I find disappointing.”
I remained seated and did not respond. My silence hurt him. I could see it in his eyes.
Ethan shook his head. “Have a nice evening, Erin.” And he was gone.
Tears ran down my face.
I had not handled the situation well. I still had questions I would have liked Ethan to answer. More importantly, I did not want to lose Ethan. I could not imagine my life without him in it.
When it looked like my muddled thoughts were going nowhere, I went to the bathroom and splashed water over my swollen face. I stared back at my sad face in the mirror. My mind went back to the past traumatic experiences I had had with men, especially my former husband. Surprisingly, I did not feel any pain associated with thoughts of him. As my thought shifted to Michael, I could not decipher how I felt. It was more like a subtle kind of anger.
I looked hard at myself. One thing was clear: I had no sexual interest in Michael. If there was ever that probability, it was all in the past.
I was attracted to Ethan in a deeper way than with any other man who had been close to me. He was perfect for me in every way. He understood me better than anyone else – and I him. He knew how to make me smile even when I was not feeling like it. He was confident but not arrogant and admitted when he was at fault. Also, he encouraged open communication. My feelings for him had developed from sexual to something deeper. I felt good about us.
Past experiences had left scars. But who did not come with some form of baggage? Ethan was the kind of man who would be there to help me work through mine. Yet, I had hurt him tonight by implying he was cheating on me and that I did not trust him. Was it over between us?
I was hurting but I was done chasing after men.
Chapter Twenty-six
Even though I was not going to contact Ethan, I could not stop thinking about him. Deep within me, I did not think he was a two-timing jerk. I remembered the clichéd expression, “Follow your gut feeling. It is always right”. The thing was that I often could not differentiate between what was my gut feeling and what was my imagination just running riot. So it was a matter of choosing to trust except in the presence of clear evidence proving otherwise. On the other hand, I could also choose to not trust and give up on love. No risk, no love. It was my call.
It was nearly ten PM when I shook myself free from the melancholy that was taking hold of me. I turned on the television and went through channels. Homeland was on. That was enough to keep me engrossed although Carrie tended to irritate me some. I sat back, propping myself up with my patterned throw pillows.
I sat up with a start. It was the television that woke me up. I must have slept through half of the Homeland episode. Although it was unusual for me, I was happy because I had assumed it would be a sleepless night for me. A quick glance at my silver and black Infinity Mercury wall clock showed that it was 2:45 a.m. How could I have slept for four hours?
I checked my phones. There was no missed call, message or text. I was sad yet I had peace. Making my way sluggishly to my bedroom, I pulled back the covers and lay down hoping to get more sleep. But it was not going to happen.
My thoughts were about Ethan. Instead of sleep, tears filled my eyes and brimmed over. It was then I began to cry in earnest for the first time since Ethan left my apartment. My heart ached as I cried. I could feel the pain in my chest. The thought that my neighbours might hear the sobbing, helped me calm down a little. I used the back of my hand to wipe away the tears.
My eyes wandered from the beautiful light green walls to the framed picture hanging on the wall adjacent to my bed. It was a gift from Ethan and my favourite picture. I never tired of looking at the lush pasture, sheep grazing, a horse in an outdoor stall, a brook running at the back of the homely, white farmhouse with forest green roof, large coral red barn, and faraway mountains. It was the epitome of tranquility and beauty.
It really worked. After staring at the picture for some time, I began to feel the lifting of the weight of depression that had suddenly engulfed me. The fire of faith warmed my lonesome body. It was not long before the breaking dawn filled the room with the rising sun.
After going to the bathroom, I went to the dining area and sat down. I logged in to my Facebook account. I noticed a notification that Ethan had accepted my friend request. He even left a short message apologizing for not seeing the request earlier; adding that he had not logged in to Facebook in a long time. I clicked on his page.
A look at his friends’ list showed that he had ‘unfriended’ the woman who was responsible for the fight.
Still, I wondered why she had posted the picture of them recently.
I did not hear from Ethan that day. It was difficult but I resisted every urge to contact him.
**********
A week went by and there was still no word from Ethan. Occasionally, I had looked at his Facebook page but there was no recent activity. I began scrolling down the pages.
It was then I saw a familiar name. Brad Henley. I recognized him from his profile picture. Ethan had introduced him to me as a colleague some months ago and we had chatted with him at a work barbecue party I attended with Ethan. For no obvious reason other than curiosity, I started going through his page.
Some minutes later, I saw a photo of him, Ethan, and three women. There were comments written by various people about the photo but they were from two or three years ago. One of women in the photo looked familiar. Where had I seen her? Was she Ethan’s former wife?
I went back to scrutinize Ethan’s page. There were just a handful of photos. I could recognize his older brother and his family from the pictures Ethan had shown me at his house. They lived in Fort McMurray, Alberta. He was a chemical engineer and worked in the oil industry.
So, that was not Ethan’s ex and not his brother, Scott’s wife. It was then I remembered the name Emily Johnstone. Within seconds, I found her page. The picture of her and Ethan was still there. It all came together in my head. That photo was the same one I just saw on Brad’s page. Everything was the same: clothes, facial expressions, and setting. They were sitting at exactly the same spot. Why would she edit the photo and post afresh on her page? Why now? Was she crazy or stupid to crop an old group photo so it looked like it was just Ethan with her when there was nothing going on between them? She knew about Ethan and me. She probably set her Facebook page to public so I would see it – that was why she sent me the friend request. But why?
My thoughts shifted to Ethan and how much I was missing him. I applauded myself for not giving in to the urge to send him a text or email. If he did not contact me, I would have to painfully accept he was not really the guy for me. After all, it was his responsibility to explain about the picture. I tried putting myself in his shoes and my unbiased conclusion was that if my photo appeared on a guy’s page, it was my responsibility to clarify or show my innocence to Ethan.
I was still rationalizing my position when my cellphone rang causing me to nearly jump out of my skin. My heart beat accelerated. I looked at the caller ID.
“Hey,” I said answering the phone and hoping I hid the disappointment in my voice well.
“Long time no see or talk, girl. You okay?” Sandra’s concerned voice made my eyes to brim over. I could not respond immediately. Sandra continued, “I haven’t been there for you the last few days and I’m so sorry.”
“That’s not true, Sandra. In spite of the appeal case your boss is working on which keeps you in the office late, you still talk with me on the phone every night. I hear the tiredness in your voice and feel guilty for keeping you up but I know you wouldn’t have it any other way and I am grateful. So, you have been here for me.”
“It’s not the same as being there in person. I can’t wait for this case to be over next week.”
“How are doing… the crazy work hours and all?”
“I’m enjoying every bit of it, honestly,” Sandra said, her infectious laughter lifting my spirits.
“I’m so proud of you and hope you guys win the case. No need to worry about me. I’m okay.”
“We’re going to celebrate when this brief is successfully concluded.”
“Looking forward to that!”
Sandra always knew how to make me feel better. As I ended the call, I realized how hungry I was. I was losing weight because of skipping meals and thought to eat something a bit calorie packed although it was past ten at night. Opening the freezer, I brought out a chicken lasagna frozen dinner. After removing the paper wrap, I used a knife to punch holes in the plastic cover and then set it to cook in the microwave.
Chapter Twenty-seven
“Where are you? Are you home now?”
I stopped by the door leading out of the office. “Just leaving work. Why?” I knew Sandra would still be at work for another couple of hours on a normal day. It was Friday but she still worked till seven or eight.
“Does the thought of pizza night make your mouth water?”
“I ‘m seeing Pizza Royal now…. In fact, I can smell it….”
“Good. Your craving will soon be satisfied.”
“You coming now?”
“No, girl. Can’t do. Will be here till seven.”
“Oh….” I did not mean to sound disappointed but I did all the same. The long wait for pizza was going to be a torturous one. “I could go ahead to place the order if you tell me when you’ll be at my place.”
Sandra sighed. “It’s my idea, Erin, so I’ll take care of it.”
“No need to sound like you’re pacifying a spoiled kid.”
Sandra laughed. “Someone is getting cranky. I’d better set the plan in motion then.”
I laughed. “See you soon.”
Sandra’s infectious laughter continued in my ears as I hung up and left the office building.
**********
It was two weeks since Ethan walked out of my apartment and I have not heard from him. At the thought of not seeing him again, my heart did another painful thud. I tried shifting my thought away from Ethan without success. The usual ache was not lessening at all. Each text, phone call, or email notification I received caused my heart to thump in an intensely hurtful way. The disappointment that followed just seemed to hit harder. Ethan occupied my thoughts day and night.
A knock on the door startled me. It was then I remembered that Sandra was coming over with pizza. Without looking through the peep hole, I opened the door, grinning from ear to ear.
Ethan was standing there. My face froze. I stood looking at him speechless.
“May I come in?” There were lines under his deep blue eyes that had not been there previously. He smiled tentatively and I let him in.
He sat on the couch and I sat across from him on my zebra moon chair.
There was an awkward silence that stretched until I took a deep breath and adjusted my sitting position. Then he began to speak.
“I’m so sorry for the long absence and silence. There were things I thought I should do to remove every iota of doubt you might have – that’s if you still want to be with me.”
I did not know what he was talking about. Only one word came out of my mouth in response. “Okay.”
Ethan sat forward. “About that photo…..I was attending a B. B. King’s concert with some friends. The ladies in that photo were acquaintances of my friends; they also attended the concert. Afterwards we were all sitting by the fountain and chatting, about half a dozen of us. Someone took the photo and later tagged us on Facebook so we all got to see it.”
Ethan paused, looking at me intently. I did not say anything but showed I was paying attention. So he continued, taking my hands in his. “Emily had suggested we go out for a drink and I had gone for coffee with her once. After that, I didn’t want to see her again but she started to almost stalk me. At a point, I had to enlist my friend’s help to get her to back off. Perhaps she was holding a grudge because of that. That’s an old photo. Perhaps she heard about us from my friend and did that photo game to spite me. Since I’d rather not have any contact with her, I decided to ignore the photo incident except to unfriend her.”
I went to sit on the couch with him. ‘Thanks for explaining all this to me.”
“I should have done so that evening but I was disappointed that you thought I was seeing someone else.”
“I didn’t know what to think….”
“Are we good?” he asking giving the smile I loved so much.
&nbs
p; I beamed at him. “We sure are.”
“I’ve missed you so much, Erin.”
“I have missed you too, Ethan.”
We embraced and looked into each other’s eyes. Then we locked lips as though starved or dehydrated. Not for food or water. We had missed each other so much.
The pounding on the door and my ringing phone finally brought me to the present. I drew away from Ethan and went to the door.
I had forgotten about Sandra and the pizza. I hurriedly opened the door.
Sandra was carting a box of pizza and a bottle of wine in a bag. “Are you okay? You got me worried when you were not answering the door or your phone.”
“I’m so sorry, Sandra. I forgot….”
It was then Sandra saw Ethan. “Hi Ethan; so nice to see you.” She gave me the “I see” look.
“Hi Sandra…. Looks like I’ve interrupted your girls’ night.”
Sandra gave her trademark laughter. “Not at all, Ethan. The more the merrier. In fact, if anyone should leave it’s me.”
I stood looking at the two people I cared most about. “No one is leaving. I feel so blessed to have you two in my life and spending this evening with you two will mean so much to me.”
I got wine glasses and took the Jackson-Triggs Rosé wine out of the paper bag. Ethan was standing beside me running his fingers through my hair. It was making me breathe faster with desire.
Sandra went to the kitchen and came back with one of my flat pizza plates.
We settled down to eat. Sandra did most of the talking.
A short time later, Ethan got up to leave. “I should be going. Thanks for the pizza.”
I walked with Ethan to the door. We kissed some more and then he was gone with “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
**********
That evening, after Sandra had left, I was still in the euphoria of Ethan coming back to me. We still had things to talk about but I was relieved Sandra showed up when she did. Otherwise, there was no saying how far Ethan and I would have taken things. It was also a good idea he left before Sandra did. Not to mention that he encouraged us to have our girl time.
I could not sleep and so decided to check Facebook. I saw a notification indicating that Ethan had updated his status to “In a relationship with Erin Lindgren”. I smiled, feeling happier than I had felt in a long time.