Chapter Five
What’s happening to me?
In spite of the rumors about Michael, the attraction I felt for him since the first day we met did not wane. Each time I saw Michael, I was further drawn to him. I felt trapped in a spider web. I was troubled and confused. Although my marriage was – by all intent and purpose – over, I was not the kind of girl to have anything romantic to do with another man, especially without being officially divorced.
I was in my second month at the PI, Minot. Everything seemed to be going well, including keeping my feelings for Michael on a tight leash. Then something happened that melted every resistance I had to fight my feelings for Michael. I was working on a project designed to improve collaboration among PI employees. I needed the communications software installed on my computer immediately. Michael and Lynn had called the IT office but the technicians, who were housed in another building a few meters away, were extremely busy and had booked me for the following week.
“Good news! The IT chaps are coming to install the comsoft as well as a report template on your computer before they knock off today.”
I almost jumped out of my skin. I had not heard him enter. I felt sorry for my heart.
“That’s … wonderful, thanks.”
It was then I noticed that his blue shirt was wet. I was deeply touched that he had gone out in the rain to get that sorted out for me. “Thanks so much!” I was giving him one of my rare killer smiles I reserved for everyone but him. He looked at me for what seemed like a long time, then turned to leave.
“It’s nothing,” he said like he was speaking to himself.
After that day, I was literally eating out of his hands. I became like a faithful dog. That was me. My appreciative, caring and loyal personality was always my Achilles’ heel. That, added to the intense attraction I felt for him and I was out of control.
Who was I? What happened to the sane woman that used to be me? Why did I alternate between acting like a moron and a whore?
One evening, I stopped to pick up a few things at the Dakota Square Mall. I was in Scheels looking at some running shoes when I looked up and saw Michael approaching. My heart nearly jumped out of my chest. I stared at him speechless. He looked so macho. He was wearing shorts and sleeveless T-shirt like he had been at the gym. He acknowledged me with a smile and “Hi Erin” but I was so tongue tied I just could not say anything but continued to stare at him. I was still looking at him as he walked by. Was that what infatuation did to its victims?
I began to wonder what Michael’s estranged wife, Gina, looked like. I had heard Trish and Liz talk more about her. She was clearly not on their list of favorite persons. They said she had let herself go.
My thoughts shifted to Jill. I remembered my first week working in Minot, Jill had told me she did not use her husband’s last name because she would have to change her name each time she got divorced. It shocked me speechless. After hearing the gossip in the lunchroom, I began to wonder whether in her twisted mind, she was scheming to get Michael to marry her. The thought was so disgusting I quickly shook it off. Let’s talk more about twisted minds because you seem to be heading in that direction. That’s of course if you’re wrong about him. Do you think you are? I chose to ignore the voice. It had been so silent of recent I had hoped it had disappeared or at least had taken a hiatus.
Talking about twisted minds, was it mere coincidence that I often saw Michael at the stores at the same time as Jill? I could not tell whether they came in together or not. I had seen them – not shopping together – at Target, Staples, and Home Depot. I might just take it upon my inquisitive self to start monitoring their movements.
**********
“Do you have a minute?” I asked peeping into Michael’s office, a sheepish grin on my face.
I had noticed that Michael was dressing better than he used to. After hearing that his wife dressed sloppily, I sometimes wondered if he considered me stylish. Honestly, I did not care a hoot what he thought about my dressing. When I was in college, my friends said I knew how to select what looked good on me without spending a lot of money. While I was careful in what I wore, I was not obsessed with brand names.
I was so distracted by my thoughts that I did not hear Michael invite me in.
I walked in, embarrassed. “Sorry.”
“How’re you doing?” His dazzling smile was present.
“Good, thanks.”
“What can I do for you today?” He was still smiling like he was excited to see me.
I looked at him somberly. “I have some personal issues I need to discuss with you outside the office.” That morning, Dick had sent me two emails calling me names for not leaving money for him in Pretoria to keep paying for our DSTV cable service. I had been paying for it although he watched TV more than I did. It was ridiculous for me to keep paying for it when I was not in Pretoria anymore; all he had to do was cancel the subscription if he wanted to. In the second email, he threatened to come to the Minot PI office during his vacation to ‘make life hell’ for me if I did not send the money. I lost my cool when I read the threat. I felt like he was already in the States and in Minot. His threats still had a traumatic effect on me.
At the office, I was so panicky that I decided to talk to Michael about it.
“If you need counseling, Karen Parker in the Human Resources Department can arrange that.”
“No, I don’t need a counselor.”
“Okay, how about we go to the coffee shop across the road after work.”
I was thrilled. It was not a date but for me it was an opportunity to offload on someone. Michael had not done anything in particular to merit it but I just trusted him. It was like following my gut feeling. “Thanks.”
Was it your gut feeling or unstable emotion? How rude! It was one of the few times I wished I could switch off the voice.
“See you then.”
After work, we walked to the café across the road from the office. It was not crowded. He asked what I wanted and I said water and he took a diet Coke.
“So what do you think of the office?”
“It’s a good place to work. The job is challenging but I enjoy it. I couldn’t have chosen a better set of people to work with.” That was the longest stretch of utterance I had ever made at a go while talking with him.
“They all have great things to say about you too.”
“Oh…. Thanks.” I had never been good at saying the right things when complimented, not that it was really a compliment.
Michael was relaxed. “Did you know that in this small town, we have employees from all seven continents?”
“Really?”
He nodded. “Yup, most continents have ample representation.”
“That’s interesting.”
He smiled again. “It’s a great place to work.”
Minot was indeed small. It was also a thriving, safe town. I loved small towns and had always lived in small towns or medium-sized cities. My ambition to work at the headquarters in New York was marred by my phobia of big cities. Which city in the world was bigger than New York? Tokyo? Not sure. Perhaps the answer had to be based on whether the criterion was land mass or population.
There was a lull in the conversation. I knew it was my cue to get to the real subject of the meeting.
“I don’t know how to say this….”
Michael was attentive and waited for me to continue.
“I got married quite early. I was 22.”
He nodded. “I also got married early – when I was very young. 20.”
I was shocked. “Really?”
He was serious. “Yeah. I know now that I was too young to make such a decision.”
I just nodded. The companionable silence that followed allowed me time for reflection. I was glad to be spending time with Michael. I could tell that he was a private person but he talked freely with me. I never went out with guys and was surprised that being out with Michael was li
ke the most natural thing in the world. The only problem was that I was too shy to even drink the water but I was thrilled to be with him.
I started talking again. “You see, my husband and I are separated. I’m really scared that he might come to the office to pick a fight with me. I wanted you to know just in case …..”
“I’m sorry to hear that.”
“I used to think that chemistry was all that mattered but I have learned the hard way that there are more important things like character and respect.”
“You’re right. Sometimes we get carried away by the thrill of romance and marry the wrong person.”
“Yeah… we allow someone’s charm, good looks or material possession to make us overlook who they really are.” As I looked at his handsome face and attractive physique, a thought occurred to me. “Here I am telling you about my husband when you’re a guy and perhaps you were a popular basketball player in college.”
He coloured in a way that made him look youthful and smiled. “No. I was rather shy.”
His eyes, voice, and smile were doing strange things to me. He looked so genuine and naïve. It was then I did something stupid and told him I liked him.
“I like you a lot too, Erin.”
At that point I realized what I had said and felt terribly embarrassed and so became tongue-tied. My intention had been to warn him about my marital situation because of my husband’s threats to me earlier that morning. How I opened my mouth and where the courage came from to tell Michael I liked him, I would never know.
After that I did not remember most of what we talked about but Michael never made me feel embarrassed or cheap. We left the café as friends. I was ashamed of myself nonetheless and began to berate myself. You have made the biggest blunder ever. You should have been wearing a placard that read: ‘Cheap woman available.’ You should add to your scanty list of what you should do before your next birthday: make a pass at a man. Or more specifically at your boss.
That night, I cried like I had rarely done in my life. I was miserable. I was so sorry for myself. Above all, I did not understand my feelings and thoughts.
The next day, when I saw Michael I was really embarrassed. However, I decided to write him a note thanking him for the outing. Then he wrote me a long note telling me he was happy for us to be friends because he had very few real friends and he was comfortable with me. In the long letter, he told me how for years his marriage lacked any intimacy and how his wife left all the house chores which he was happy to do. Nevertheless, she was still not satisfied and left the marriage. He did not say how he felt about his estranged wife. I felt sad and sorry for him. It was like he was wasting away his life.
Chapter Six
I stared back at my face in the full length mirror. I rubbed the skin around my cheeks in circular motion. My skin was a bit rough but firm. My ‘not-so-white’ eyes were telltale signs of insomnia and the sparkle was gone. Those eyes were the envy of my friends in my college days. My skin looked dull. I had gradually lost my coveted tan.
I did not really care. I had never been one to go to beauty salons for facials, manicure, pedicure, and spas. I knew that going to the beauticians would enhance my facial beauty but it had never been a priority with me.
I lifted my long auburn hair away from my neck. My eyes rested on a pair of scissors in the open chest of drawers beside the mirror. I took it and like I was in a trance began to snip my hair, allowing the long strands to drop on the floor. When I was done, I washed my hair and used my hand drier to blow it dry. I held it together in a short ponytail.
If I lacked perfection in facial beauty, I amply made up for it in my figure. Right from my teen people had tended to focus on my figure and that made it difficult for me to be comfortable in tight-fitting clothes. Anytime I wore the few I had, I would have to wear a jacket on top. I was so self-conscious that I could never go swimming with friends and colleagues. Not that I could swim but the idea of wearing a swim suit really got me in a panic.
I liked to wear clothes that accentuated my overall attractiveness because it made me feel good about myself, not in order to draw attention from men. I learned a long time ago that outer beauty was only a part of the full package. Outer beauty began to look ugly if there was no inner beauty to keep it glowing.
Michael noticed my hair the next time he saw me. “You cut your hair.” It almost sounded accusatory. I just nodded. He said nothing after that.
One of the days I was out in a nearby restaurant with Michael during lunch break, he told me that he enjoyed hanging out with me.
I was pleased. “Thanks.”
He dazzled a smile. “You often engage me in interesting discussions.” His winning smile had nothing to do with how white his teeth were. In fact, they were coffee-stained. Come to think of it, they seemed to be getting whiter. He must be whitening them.
I just gave him my genuine, lovely smile back.
Then he said “I wish there was a more private place – the town is really small.”
I was not sure what he meant by that but did not ask him. It frustrated me to want to know something and yet not be bold enough to ask.
That day, I gave Michael my favorite key ring. When I liked something in a special way, I treasured it by keeping it in a safe place so that it would always look new even after many years. The Star of David key ring with the 12 tribes of Israel and a traveler’s prayer was one of my favorite things. I gave it to Michael as a symbol of our friendship. Also, I wanted to share my favorite things with him and since he was a guy the key ring was what I could think of to give him. In addition, I knew that whenever he saw it, he would think of me.
He was obviously pleased by it. He held my hands for a while. We looked into each other’s eyes, not saying anything. As if catching himself, he suddenly let go of my hands.
“I’ve been thinking of getting you something. Too bad you beat me to it. The price for procrastination.”
I did not know what to say. An inner voice told me I was making the same mistakes I made with Dick all over again. But would I listen? If I did, there probably would not be a confession to make or a story to tell.
I knew I had to do something about starting divorce proceedings with Dick. How do I get his contact address? An acquaintance from Pretoria had emailed me last month that Dick had returned to the States; she did not know where exactly. That should have agitated me but it did not.
A windfall at that point was that I did not spend much time thinking about my marital predicament. It was not that I was often out with Michael. It was just that thoughts of my blurry relationship with Michael shifted my attention from my worries over my ending marriage. It also confirmed to me that I did not love Dick. It did not show that Michael was the one for you either. I ignored the voice.
All the time I was with Dick, I had not felt an attraction for another man despite the loneliness I suffered in my marriage. It was only Dick that I could be intimate with regardless of how often he abused me. Since meeting Michael, along with the inexplicable feelings for him, I had become a different woman. A woman I did not recognize. To show how weird I had become, all I hungered and thirsted for was Michael’s friendship. I was going nuts!
My life became so complicated that I was getting more miserable by the day. My relationship with Michael was far from normal. We were both married though estranged from our spouses but kept exchanging notes and occasionally going out together during office hours to the café across the office. Other employees also patronized the café. It was an open place and anything but a romantic setting. We were sometimes joined by other colleagues.
It was at the time when I was feeling like I was in way over my head in relation to Michael that Dick resumed his cyberbullying.
…. You need to pay me back $2,790 for outstanding bills you didn’t contribute to before leaving. I’ll give you a couple months to send me the money through PayPal or you’ll be hearing from my lawyer….
He gave me no respite although he wa
s yet to make a physical appearance. I still could not figure out where he was even after googling him and searching for him on Facebook, Twitter and LinkedIn. He kept sending me emails with threats and name calling. So I stopped reading them. The torment continued even though all I read were nasty subject-lines. When I succeeded in keeping my eyes away from the subject, I still was greatly affected just knowing he had sent another email. I soon realized that I could just block him from all my email and social media accounts. I did that and got some respite.
It then occurred to me that it was time I took the bull by the horn and make an appointment to see a lawyer. But where do I begin? Online? Yellow Pages?
**********
Chapter Seven
One good thing that happened six months into my working at the Peace Institute, Minot, was that I became friends with Shirley, a colleague in my department. Her husband, David, worked in the same building. I visited them when he had a fall and they became my friends. They were a lively elderly couple from somewhere in the New England region – I could not remember which state. They were friends with Michael too.
I had been getting a ride from Shirley and David to work. I did not own a car and had no immediate plans to buy one. We lived on the opposite side of the same housing complex. It was a nice place and very close to the Minot State University.
From time to time, I went out with Shirley and David. Sometimes, we walked from the office or drove in their car to go for lunch or an early dinner. Whenever we had dinner at a restaurant, they picked up the tab. Initially, I had tried to pay my share but they had stood their ground. With time, I began to accept that inviting me meant they were paying and I was grateful for their company and generosity. On my part, I invited them over to my place couple of times for lunch or dinner at the weekend.
Today happened to be one of the few times we hung out without David. Shirley and I had agreed to meet at a restaurant near the mall for lunch. Shirley was already there when I arrived. “I’m sorry for keeping you waiting.” I was out of breath.
“No problem. Just wondered what was keeping you.”
“I stopped by the bookstore.”