“Which?”
“Barnes and Noble.”
“You’ve been in the mall all this time?”
“Yup, you know me and books,” I said smiling sheepishly at my friend.
Shirley rolled her eyes at me which made me burst into laughter. Her lively blue eyes stayed on my face as she beamed at me. She was so indulgent that I felt like she was my mom.
The waiter came and took our order.
Shirley looked at the small, plastic bag on the table. “So what did you get?”
I brought out my copy of Christian Men Who Hate Women. She looked at it.
“I have a friend at church that has a copy. She says it’s an eye-opener.”
“I believe it is – although I’ve only read a review of the book and skimmed through this copy.”
“Missy said that after reading the book she understood why her family and pastor never believed what she told them was going on in her home. I must admit, I also felt she was exaggerating things because Sam seemed to be such a nice man.”
“In her review of the book, Brenda Brandson said that kind of man has personality disorder. He sees himself as a good husband for putting up with his wife. He’s blind to his own faults and doesn’t take responsibility for his own actions.”
“There’s a name Missy calls men like that.”
“Misogynists. Men who hate women and need to control their wives.”
“Yes, that’s it. I wonder what they call women who hate men and control their husbands.”
We laughed.
Shirley and I let the conversation slide to lighter subjects like goings-on at the office. After hearing an ear full from Liz, Trish, Carol, and Jill, I began to avoid them and the lunchroom.
So, Shirley became my only close female friend in Minot. It was from Shirley that I got news of happenings at the office.
Shirley had said that since Michael and I became friends he was clearly happier and looked better than she had ever seen him. That really made me glad.
**********
It was almost 6pm. Many workers had left and a few were attending an afternoon workshop. David was at the workshop and Shirley was in her office. As I sat in my office that evening, I watched the downpour through my window. A feeling of melancholy enveloped me. I found myself thinking about my relationship with Dick in Pretoria. We had met, married and separated there. Throughout the marriage, it was one drama after another.
One Saturday morning, I had gone to the office with Tandaza, my friend and colleague, to catch up on work. We spent three hours there. When I got back, Dick was getting ready to go out. He was also in a bad mood as was often the case. He spent long hours outside even on weekends. I hardly went anywhere except work, church, and stores. I stopped going to Curves to work out after I bought a treadmill. So it was not about what was good for the goose being good for the gander.
Anyway, as I was saying, I got back from work that Saturday to meet a fuming Dick.
“You’ve acquired a new independence and can go and come as you like.”
I tried to stay calm. “I had work to do.”
“You had better remember what your duties are at home and make sure you do them or I will make you uncomfortable.”
I knew that he was looking for an opportunity to start a quarrel so I walked away towards the bedroom.
He followed me. “Make sure that on Monday you go to the bank to bring money from your account, since you’ve been paid, for me to add to what I have to send to my mother. And I want it first thing on Monday.”
I was still quiet as I lay on the bed.
“Except you want to go twice to the bank, also bring $100 dollars for me since we won’t get paid until Friday.”
I did not say anything but I was used to his style. Whenever I tried standing my ground, he would come up with many things to make me feel bad. Threats were his most used weapon and I always succumbed to it.
That was my life with the relentless tormentor I called my husband. I waited for the appropriate time with supposed calm – time to do something about my situation. A calm that was not always there and even now the thought of my time with Dick still made me lose my peace. I had not toughened up after all the years of abuse.
Chapter Eight
Autumn was in full swing. I had just celebrated my thirty-eighth birthday. I was relieved it was on Saturday so no one would make a big deal of it.
For the first time in my life, I was fed up with the way my attempts at having a romantic relationship had turned out. It was glaring: I was attracted to and attracting the wrong men. Something had to give if I wanted to experience the romantic bliss I used to dream about.
My first instinct was to start job hunting so I could leave Minot but I rejected that thought at once. A new resolve enveloped me. I was done running. It was not immediately clear what I needed to do. Give it time and you will. The voice was gentle yet compelling. It gave me peace.
First thing I did starting the following work week was to keep my distance from Michael. I only saw him when he sought me out or when I absolutely needed to go to his office. I kept it formal and he kept looking at me in a peculiar manner. Occasionally, I ran into him at the stores but maintained my distance. My work was my life. Outside of work, I began volunteering two or three times a week at the Minot Soup Kitchens. It was at different churches depending on the day of the week.
Meanwhile, something interesting was going on at work. I was beginning to suspect that Michael and Jill were secretly meeting. I was with Michael in his office going over a file he wanted me to work on. Jill came in, rudely interrupted, telling him to help her go over her work before she officially submitted it to him. I could not believe my ears. He was doing her work for her! As I stared at them, he turned beet red. I did not know what to make of it then.
Half an hour later, Michael and I were still meeting. Jill walked by his office and then passed again. The third time, she stopped and told him her office was open. I had no idea what that meant.
Michael started behaving like he was in a hurry and said, “Let’s finish this tomorrow”. I gave a curt nod and left. Soon afterwards, I saw him leaving the office. Following my gut feeling, I left my office and found my adrenaline energized feet taking me towards the parking area. I was in time to see Jill open the door to the back passenger seat of their minivan and get in. Her husband was driving but I wondered why she was sitting at the back. I always saw her sitting beside him when he drove their car. As they drove off, there was no passenger that I could see beside her husband. I turned to go back inside and noticed that Michael’s car was still there. It was then I knew that he was with them.
Millions of questions popped up in my head. Was Michael at the back seat with Jill while her husband drove? Was the man really her husband? Would he condone his wife having an affair under his nose? Would the situation be so bizarre that they would have sex in the car while he drove? Theirs was a large seven seat car. My thoughts were so dirty and ridiculous I discarded them. Nonetheless, I felt certain something fishy was going on.
At the office, I could not focus on my work and decided to close for the day. I did not even remember to let Shirley know I was leaving. On my way home, I stopped at Target. To my shock, I saw the three of them there! So he had been in their car and at the back with her! O my gosh! What was going on?
I blinked repeatedly to be sure I was seeing correctly. He was there with them. Neither of the three seemed to have made any real purchase. Michael turned beet red when he saw me and I felt like a stalker. Were they dealing drugs?
I turned and left without buying anything.
We hardly spoke to each other after that. I communicated with him mostly by email. He continued to disappear same time as Jill did but I never blew the whistle on them.
**********
Two weeks before Easter, I got to work earlier than usual. Of course no one was there except the security guards who let me in.
&nbs
p; “Hi.”
I nearly jumped out of my skin. I had not heard Michael come in; I was not even expecting to see him at the office that early. I removed my hand from the computer as I was trying to check my mails. I managed to say “Hi” back without a scowl.
He entered my office. We stared at each other for moments in the quietness of the office that early morning.
I looked away. Although I was still attracted to him in an inexplicable way, I also knew that I did not like him.
He stretched some papers towards me. “Take a look at this and tell me what you think.” As I took the papers, our hands touched and he paused.
I grabbed the papers. “Okay.”
I looked at him and noticed that his eyes looked gray and glittered.
He smiled at me and turned to leave. “Okay. Enjoy your day.”
“Thanks.”
As though cashing in on my letting down my guard, he walked back in towards me and came to sit down.
He leaned in. “I just want to say that I’d be glad if you told me what I’ve done to make you withdraw from me. You’re the only true friend I have here. I’m not going to impose myself on you but hope we can reconnect.”
I was stunned by his speech and did not know how to respond. After a few more seconds, he gave me a half-smile, got up and left.
Was he so delusional? I rolled my eyes and then went back to my work.
The Easter long weekend finally arrived and I had time to think. After careful thought during which I penciled down all the pros and cons, I decided to move back to Canada. I had such peace knowing that I was not running; rather, I was returning home.
My mom was from Winnipeg and my dad from Edmonton but I chose to move to Victoria where I knew no one. I did not have a job in Canada but I was ready to take the plunge. I was running again from another bad relationship. Well, sort of. Or was I really running this time? Did I have the grit to end the unhealthy, directionless friendship with Michael? Was he even a sincere friend? Each time I remembered his secret I-don’t-know-what relationship with Jill, my distrust for Michael increased. I fought it hard and long; but it persisted. One thing was certain: it was time for change.
My excitement at the thought of taking the risk of moving without a job to a city where I did not know anyone began to be mixed with strong trepidation.
**********
Three months after I had made up my mind to move to Canada, the ache in my heart became physical. My friendship with Michael was not as wholesome as it had been before I began to glean those dark sides of him that I still did not have answers to. What made me most miserable was my inability to walk away from him.
Michael made me laugh. I remembered the anecdote he told me once about a couple who went for counseling and the man said his wife was historical. The counselor thought he meant to say hysterical. But the man said, “No, I mean historical. She’s always dwelling on the past.”
Another time, I was placing the wall clock in my office after replacing the battery. It dropped from the wall and broke. I thought I would have to replace it but Shirley was sure I would not need to do so. All the same, I mentioned it to Michael.
‘I broke the clock in my office.”
“Who got you that mad?”
I did not see that coming and wanted to say ‘You, of course’ but I did not know if he would take that seriously or consider it flirtatious; so, I said nothing. The remembrance of such incidents made me smile. At the same time, it angered me. What the heck! No one should have that kind of power over another – but I was in the pathetic position of my own accord. I still could not retrace my steps.
The very next day, I handed in my resignation.
Chapter Nine
At work today, Shirley had brought a box of pizza to my office. She opened it with a flourish. “Little something to share with my favorite gal.” We had gone a few times for pizza and she knew how much I loved it.
It was obvious why she thought I needed cheering up. Shirley had been with me that morning when a DHL delivery man came to deliver a package. I saw it was from Dick. After I had signed for it and the man had gone, I tore it open. They were divorce papers. I was momentarily shaken but quickly gathered myself together. I had then told Shirley what they were. She knew I did not like talking about my marriage and so said nothing, except to give me a long, tight hug.
She just brought me my favorite thing in the world. If only she knew that, in spite of being sad about it, I was also relieved that at last I would be free of Dick. Good she did not – otherwise, the palatable piece of bliss would not be waiting for my eating pleasure.
It was a pleasant surprise. I stared at the pizza, taking in the chicken nuggets, black pitted olives, cheese, tomatoes. Hmmm. Yum-yum. The aroma made my mouth water. Since my mouth was hanging open, it was a wonder I was not drooling.
I beamed at her. “You’re the best!
She chortled. “I know how it is between you and pizza.”
“We’re inseparable. You’ve made my day, Shirley.”
I took a slice and began to eat with pleasure, making all the sounds of pleasure.
Shirley also ate a slice.
I encouraged Shirley to keep the remaining slices for herself as she was leaving.
“You’re the one in love with pizza, not me,” she protested, pushing the box towards me.
“Thank you so much.” I could not resist taking another helping. The remaining two I saved for later.
That afternoon, I went to the kitchen to microwave the left over pizza. Carol and Tina were there.
Tina smiled at me. “Hi Erin!”
“Haven’t seen you in like ages. Thought you had left PI,” Carol said affably.
I smiled at them. “I’m still very much around.”
“Is it true that you may be leaving?” asked Tina. Trust the grapevine at PI.
I nodded. I went to put the pizza in the microwave.
“Where to?” pursed Tina.
Carol answered for me. “Canada.”
“Awesome. Just across the border.”
I nodded again as I went to retrieve my pizza.
“Is it true that Michael’s wife moved back in?” asked Tina in a hushed voice.
“Yeah. Reality set in.”
“Talk about reality check. He allowed her back just like that?”
I should just walk out of the kitchen. I had heard enough but I stood rooted on the spot.
Carol puffed. “He’s a weak, directionless man. He doesn’t want her but he’s not man enough to take a stand.”
As though nudged by an invisible hand, I walked out of the kitchen. Once in my office, I stared blindly at my pizza. My stomach had knotted up. I dumped the pizza in the trash bin. Picking up my purse, I left the office. I knew I was not going home but I did not know where I was going.
Once outside the PI building, I crossed the road and continued to walk. Michael was back with his wife. There was something going on between him and Jill. He had not bothered to tell me that his wife had returned. Yet I always told him everything going on with me; including the parts that had to do with Dick. What’s really getting you so upset? Did his wife’s return crush your secret desire to hook up with him? I ignored the voice and continued walking.
Tears streamed down my face and my lungs panted visibly. I slowed down along a side street lined on both sides by trailers. From somewhere in the deep recess of my dulled memory, I remembered having seen such trailers somewhere else. Was it was during that conference in Majuro, Marshall Islands? From the airport to the Marshall Island Resort, I had seen some trailers. What the heck! As if I cared a hoot about all that.
I was in Minot, a town in North Dakota. The peace and quiet that characterized my environment eluded me. I wanted to be free but did not know how. I needed to be liberated from the consuming feeling I had for Michael. But I still felt trapped in it. He’s not worthy of your loyalty. You’re lucky not to end up with him romantically. He woul
d have made your life more miserable than Dick. You should be thankful. The voice continued to offer advice I did not ask for. I wanted to pay attention to it but it was easier to just ignore it. Walking aimlessly now reminded me of my experience with Dick. I remembered when I had fainted on the street in Pretoria all because of a man. It was after that I knew it was over between Dick and me. I was done with him.
I found myself in front of the First Baptist Church on 200 3rd Street, SN. I was drawn to it although that was not the church I attended. When I was new in Minot, I had started attending Our Redeemers Church. Later, I had switched to First Assembly of God. Shirley and David worshipped there. I found both churches to my liking but getting rides from Shirley made me more consistent in church attendance. Usually, I did not miss the morning Sunday services; it was the weekly evening ones that I skipped.
I stood at the entrance of the church and slowly turned the door knob. It was open. I walked in and sat in a pew in the dim hall. The silence calmed me some. I rested my hands on the back of the chair in front of me. With bent knees and head, I just stayed there. I was not praying. I was doing nothing. I felt at peace. I must have dozed off for a while before jerking awake. It was the noise of a car engine being revved. I got up immediately. There was still no one around.
As I hit the high sunshine outside, my eyes protested. I was relieved no one had seen me inside there. How would I have explained myself? They did not know me. I was not a member there. Taking long strides, I hurried away, suddenly craving the welcome my apartment offered
**********
The following day, I went to have a word with Lynn to be sure that my entitlements were being processed according to schedule. I needed the money to start afresh in BC.
I avoided Michael. He never came to my office and I never went to his. A few times, we met each other on the corridor; he stopped and started to say something. I ignored the plea in his eyes. I eyed him and walked away. I noticed that he seemed emaciated but I hardened my heart.
The days rapidly went by.
Two days before I left, the department organized a send-off for me in the conference room. I was surprised by the assorted spread of sandwiches, pizza, curried noodles, rice and mushroom, shrimp and vegetable gravy. There was a lot of soda, tea, coffee. The room was filled to capacity because people came from all the departments.