‘Right.’ There’s a pause. ‘Are you okay?’
‘Yes but . . . but Jed says Lish has an alibi for when I was attacked on the tube and the police won’t find anything at his flat and all the drugs and the notebook are gone so there’s no proof so . . .’
‘I know. And his dad is a top lawyer, et cetera, et cetera . . .’ Dan’s voice is bitter. There’s another long pause. ‘Are you really okay? With Jed, I mean?’
‘I don’t know,’ I admit. ‘He doesn’t believe his son is guilty, but he loves me. And . . . and I love him.’
Despite the fact that he stalked me using my own phone.
‘Okay.’ Dan sucks in his breath. ‘Listen, I’m not going to stop investigating, because what Lish Kennedy is doing is wrong and we both know it’s linked to Dee Dee’s death, but I’m not going to involve you any more. If you want to stay with Jed, you can’t pursue his son.’
‘But Dan, wait. Someone just called me. A man. He was threatening us.’
‘All the more reason for you to stop being involved.’ Dan sighs. ‘So you won’t get hurt.’
‘I don’t want you to get hurt either.’
‘But you do want justice for Dee Dee,’ he counters. ‘And I’m going to help get it.’
I don’t know what to say. I lie back on the bed.
‘I think it’s safest if I don’t contact you for now,’ Dan says carefully. ‘But I will when I’ve got something . . . if you want me to.’
We say goodbye and ring off. I close my eyes, feeling lonelier than I can ever remember being in my life.
A long, miserable week passes. Jed reluctantly removes his Apple ID from my phone and I reset it with my own details. We speak mostly of meals and TV programmes, avoiding the topics of Lish and weddings altogether. I call the police to find out what’s happening. It takes ages to get through to anyone who knows anything. Finally I speak to a liaison officer who tells me that, as Jed predicted, the police have been unable to unearth anyone on Lish’s campus who is prepared to link him to any drug dealing. Though the officer doesn’t say so directly, I can see the investigation is running out of steam already. It’s a deeply depressing thought.
Christmas Day dawns crisp and sunny. Lish will not be visiting, though Jed plans to slip out later and see him at his mother’s house. The more time passes, the worse I feel: guilty to have caused Jed so much pain, of course, but also angry that he has not believed me. I’m fearful for Dan too. I’ve checked in a couple of times, just brief texts, to make sure he’s okay. His replies are equally short, though he always asks how I’m doing. I feel as if I’m living with half the breath permanently squeezed out of my lungs. I have no appetite, no interest in anything. Sometimes I wake in the night and the mechanically disguised voice from the day I went to the police echoes in my ear: the little bird who’s been talking.
How can Jed so wilfully ignore such a warning? How can he persist in thinking that Dan could terrorize me by setting up such a phone call? I am furious with Rose for reinforcing his suspicions about Dan with her own prejudices, ignoring her calls for a couple of days then having a huge row over the phone.
‘Do you realize he stalked me to find out where I was?’ I explain about Jed’s manipulation of my mobile.
Rose gasps when she hears, but sticks to her guns over Dan: ‘Jed shouldn’t have done that, but just because he was in the wrong there doesn’t put Dan in the right over everything else. I’m certain his main agenda is to get you back.’
‘Okay, but now Jed thinks Dan’s invented everything he’s said in order to get me back. Which isn’t true.’
‘No, I see that. I’m sorry, Emily, I was just worried about you when I talked to him.’ Rose sniffs. She sounds close to tears. ‘Things have just gone so far . . . you going to the police and everything.’ She hesitates. ‘You are dropping this whole thing now, aren’t you? For your own safety?’
‘Yes,’ I say. ‘I am.’ I don’t tell her about Dan continuing with the investigation without me. She won’t approve and she will worry. ‘But it’s hard that Jed doesn’t believe me over Lish.’
‘Well, Lish is his son,’ Rose reasons. ‘I guess it’s a bit of a blind spot, but you shouldn’t let it stop you being honest with him.’
I itch, suddenly, to point out that after lying about her break-up with Simon, Rose is hardly in a position to lecture me about being honest, but there’s no point being antagonistic when we’ve only just made our peace over her talking to Jed. So I keep quiet.
Jed and I spend Christmas morning together at home, then drive to Rose’s house just after midday. The place is beautifully decorated, with a slender Christmas tree in the living room covered in tiny silver lights that give that corner a glamorous feel to match the strings of baubles which Rose has hung around the room. I can just imagine how Dee Dee’s big brown eyes would have wowed at the whole scene. A few weeks ago I would have said something to Jed; now the subject of his daughter feels taboo. Which cannot last. I chew on my lip. If today is hard for me, what on earth must Jed – and Zoe – be going through? My sister hands the carving knife to Martin and fetches the last dish – creamed potatoes – from the sideboard. Rose’s hair is up today, just a few dark tresses escaping in loose curls around her neck. She’s wearing black cut-offs with ankle boots and a low-cut fitted silk blouse. She looks amazing. Lunch is a triumph – a huge roast beef with all the trimmings, all expertly cooked and beautifully presented. Rose has invited Gary and Allia as well as Martin and Cameron – so it’s a squeeze around the table, but everyone is good-humoured.
I’m wary of Gary. He says and does nothing that could remotely be construed as either suspicious or sinister, but I can’t get the phone conversation I overheard at his flat the other day out of my head all through our lunch. In fact I’m so lost in my own thoughts that I don’t hear my name being spoken until my brother, who I’m sitting next to, prods my arm.
‘Wake up, Flaky.’ There’s a warning look in his eye as he indicates Cameron across the table. I brace myself for whatever my brother’s boyfriend wants to say.
Cameron waves his fork in the air. ‘I was asking how the wedding arrangements are coming on?’ he says.
I gulp. Clearly Martin hasn’t told him about my trip to the police and the strain it has put on my relationship with Jed.
‘Oh, um . . .’ I make a face. ‘Haven’t had a chance to do much, the end of term was crazy busy . . .’ I tail off.
Jed shoots me a glance. ‘We’re thinking of going for sometime in early February,’ he says firmly. ‘I’m expecting the decree absolute late January. There’s no need to wait, is there, baby?’
I look down at my plate and give a small nod.
‘Ooh, I don’t know,’ Gary says in that voice he uses to wind up his older brother. ‘Sounds like you’re rushing things a bit. Out of the Zoe frying pan, into the Emily fire, so to speak.’ He glances at me, a big grin on his face. ‘No offence.’
I smile wanly. At least this is business as usual from Gary. Watching him needle Jed, I wonder again about that overheard conversation. What did he mean when he said Jed’s focus on the Benecke Tricorp case was ‘wrong’? My earlier suspicions wash over me with greater force than before. Is it possible Gary’s resentment of his brother goes deeper than I’ve ever realized? Is there any way he could be involved with Lish’s drug deals – and the attack on my life at the tube station?
‘Just because you’re a commitment-phobe,’ Jed snaps, rising to the bait.
‘Fine, go right ahead,’ Gary chortles. ‘Just remember, every wedding takes you a step closer to your next divorce.’
At this, Cameron laughs and Martin suppresses a smile.
‘For goodness’ sake,’ Rose scolds gently. She turns to Jed. ‘It’s none of my business, but how has your ex reacted to you saying you’re getting married again so quickly?’
I stare at her, surprised at how direct she’s being about Zoe. Jed just shrugs his shoulders. ‘I’m deeply in love with Emily and she is
with me,’ he says grumpily.
I look down at the table. Is that true? Jed has spied on me and refuses to believe that I’ve been attacked and threatened. When it comes right down to it, he doesn’t trust me. And I don’t trust him. And where’s love without trust?
‘We want to be married,’ Jed goes on. ‘It’s not really anyone else’s business.’
‘Well said,’ Martin says, then deftly changes the subject to the holiday he and Cameron are leaving for the next day. I think that’s the end of the matter so am surprised when Gary seeks me out later, while the others are gathered around the TV. I’m in the kitchen, unwrapping the bread I baked earlier and brought from home, ready to help Rose make some turkey sandwiches.
‘Emily?’
I look up, startled by how close he’s standing. My fears flood back. Is he about to threaten me? Worse?
‘It’s great you and my brother make each other happy,’ Gary says, keeping his voice low. ‘But don’t let him push you on the wedding timing. He’s a forceful guy.’
Is there some agenda behind what he’s saying? I can’t work it out. Gary gives me a wink then disappears back into the living room to ask Jed yet again about progress on his suit against Benecke Tricorp.
At home later, Jed is getting ready to go and see Lish. He’s in a foul mood, stomping about the place and muttering under his breath.
‘Gary asks a lot of questions about the case, doesn’t he?’ I mention, wondering if Jed has noticed. ‘Does he have a particular reason?’
‘Probably just trying to get insider info for his clients on what will happen to their share price,’ Jed grunts.
‘Oh.’ This hadn’t occurred to me. ‘Are you still angry with him?’ I ask. ‘Because you know I think he only says that stuff about us to wind you up.’
‘I know that,’ Jed mutters. ‘It’s not Gary.’
He marches out of the living room. I follow him into the kitchen where he’s pouring himself a glass of water.
‘What is it then?’
Jed sets the glass down on the counter. He turns to face me. ‘Do you still want to marry me?’
I stare at him. ‘Yes, of course.’
Jed raises his eyebrows. ‘Really? I saw the way you looked when the subject came up earlier.’ He hesitates, his eyes boring through mine. ‘Is it Dan? I know he wants you, but . . .’
I can feel my face flushing. Jed and I haven’t spoken about Dan since the day of my police visit. But I’ve thought about him a lot. Every day, I’ve thought about Dan. ‘What are you asking?’ I stammer.
‘Did you fuck Dan Thackeray?’
I wince. Jed is seething with repressed anger.
‘I already told you I didn’t and—’
‘Do you wish you had?’
I suck in my breath. This is a question I have been trying not to answer myself.
‘No,’ I say. Though I’m not sure in my heart if it’s the truth.
‘Right.’ Jed looks unconvinced. He takes a swig of water, then sets his glass down again. ‘I’m going to see Lish then.’
He walks out.
I sink into a kitchen chair. I have to face it: something irretrievable has been lost between Jed and me since I went to the police, just as Martin predicted it would be. I sit, letting the realization flow through me. He can’t get past Dan. And I can’t get past the fact that he took his son’s side over mine.
And above the need for justice for his daughter.
I can’t stop thinking about that. In keeping silent I am letting poor Dee Dee down. And yet what choice is there?
I turn my phone over in my hand. I want to call Dan to see how he’s getting on, to find out if he’s uncovered anything useful, to make sure he’s all right. Perhaps once Jed has gone.
‘Bye,’ Jed calls from the front door. A week ago he would have come back into the kitchen and kissed me goodbye.
‘Bye.’
The door shuts. I sit, letting the silence of the house settle around me.
Outside, the car engine revs. I hear the tyres crunching over the icy patch in the drive. A few seconds later the doorbell rings: long and persistent.
I look around. Is that Jed? Why is he ringing the bell?
I walk into the hall and peer through the spyhole. Nobody is there. My throat is tight as I open the front door. A single feather catches my eye, tumbling across the ground. I look across the small drive.
A sparrow lies by the hedge, its neck twisted at an unnatural angle.
Dead.
I stare at the tiny body. Is it road kill? Or something more deliberate? The disguised, mechanical voice echoes in my ears again.
The little bird who’s been talking.
I slam the door shut, my whole body trembling.
July 2014
AWFUL. AWFUL. I had to call Mum to fetch me home from Ava’s earlier. It was the most humiliating experience of my LIFE. It wasn’t just me and Ava after all, Poppy was there too and Georgia Dutton and a couple of other girls from our year. They were all dressed up in fancy outfits and they had been there for ages before I got there, doing each other’s hair and fingernails. I just KNEW they had been talking about me. When I arrived they were like all gushy-gushy how nice it was to see me, then Georgia said something about Sam Edwards. I didn’t even properly hear what and they ALL started laughing. And I felt really awkward. And then Poppy asked if I’d given Sam Edwards a feel recently. And they all laughed again. And Georgia asked ‘have you started shaving yet, Dee Dee?’ And she was all *innocent face* but I could see in her eyes she was laughing too. So I didn’t know whether to say yes or no but I said ‘yes’ and Georgia said ‘what, down there?’ and I went red and nodded. And then they all wanted to see.
‘Oh show us, Dee Dee, show us how it looks.’
And I didn’t know what to do but I thought if I didn’t show them they would just tease me some more, so I rolled down my jeans and I could see the girls across the room doubled over with laughing I think cos my jeans were tight and I am so FAT. And I am all hot in my face to remember it but the other girls weren’t laughing then, Ava was all serious asking if I’d cut myself shaving and if it was itchy and I said ‘no’ and ‘no’ and then Poppy ran out of the room and Ava followed. Which left just me and Georgia and the other girls and Georgia turned to me and said ‘looks like you’ve still got a lot of problems, Dee D-easy’ and they all laughed then Ava and Poppy came back in and Poppy looked all upset like she was close to tears and she said ‘I’m really sorry, Dee Dee, but I don’t feel comfortable being here with you showing off your minge to everyone so I think I’m going to have to go home.’
And I stared at her and I didn’t know what to say. And the others all came round while I did up my jeans and Ava was upset cos Poppy was leaving and Poppy kept saying how she was upset because she liked me and I was obviously having problems, she meant like MENTAL problems, and she said that she’d feel better at home.
And then Georgia looked right over at me and said ‘I don’t see why it’s POPPY who has to go home.’ And Ava said quietly ‘I know what you mean’. And they were both looking at me, then everyone was and I realized they wanted ME to go and I didn’t know what to do, then Georgia rolled her eyes and said loudly that ‘some people can’t take a hint’.
And I wanted to cry then but I kept it back and just said I was sorry to Poppy. Then I got up and went downstairs and I told Ava’s mum I had a tummy ache and wanted to go home.
And here I am and I don’t see how my life could be any worse. And Mum just tutted when I opened a new packet of biscuits.
December 2014
‘It was probably just hit by a car and knocked into the drive.’ Jed rolls his eyes. As I’d feared, he is totally dismissive about the dead bird.
‘No, I’m sure it’s them, the people Lish is working with.’
‘It’s either nothing or it’s Dan fucking Thackeray again.’ Jed stalks out.
I hole up in our bedroom and call Dan.
‘Em?’ He answ
ers immediately. ‘What’s up?’
My whole body releases with relief that he is all right. ‘There was another threat, at least I think that’s what it was.’ I tell him about the sparrow.
‘Why are they terrorizing you?’ Dan demands. ‘As far as they’re concerned you’ve backed off.’
‘I think they’re just making sure,’ I say, hoping this is true. ‘Have you had anything weird happen?’
‘No, and I’m being very discreet with my enquiries. I don’t think they know what I’m looking into right now.’ He pauses. ‘So long as they don’t find out what I’m doing we should be fine.’
‘What are you doing?’ I ask.
‘Better you don’t know. Better we don’t have any contact for a bit . . . I couldn’t bear it if anything happened to you.’ He draws in his breath. ‘But once I’ve got something I can take to the police, something concrete, I’d really like to see you. Would you . . . how would you feel about that?’
I hesitate. ‘I’d like it,’ I say. ‘I’d like it very much.’
The next day is Boxing Day. Jed spends most of it taking Lish to a football match. I’m in bed, pretending to be asleep, when he gets back that evening. The next day he goes into his office. I leave before he gets home to meet Laura in town. We meet in a bar in the West End. It’s usually full of office workers but tonight, in that limbo time between Christmas and New Year, there’s hardly anyone around – just a group of guys by the bar who keep eyeing us up.
I fill Laura in on everything that has happened since we last spoke. She’s full of concern, though whether because she genuinely thinks my life is in danger or because my relationship with Jed is under threat, I’m not sure.
‘You just seemed so happy with Jed when I last saw you,’ she muses.
‘I know, but it’s different now. I’m not sure Jed and I can get past all this,’ I confess. ‘I’m hurt that he doesn’t believe me and he’s furious that I don’t believe him.’
Laura sips at her cranberry juice. She tilts her head to one side and considers me thoughtfully. ‘Do you still love him?’