‘I don’t know any more.
Laura makes a face. ‘Okay, this needs more wine . . . for you anyway. Jesus, I wish I could have a proper drink.’ She gathers up her bag and heads for the bar. I watch her sashay towards the barman. Her pregnancy still isn’t really showing, though knowing her as I do I can see that her waist has slightly thickened already and her breasts are at least a size bigger. The guys at the bar are watching her too. One of them – tall and in a pin-striped suit – wanders over as she waits to be served. I watch Laura lure him in, flirting like mad as the man leans towards her, clearly thinking he’s in with a chance. Then she says something and the man draws back. Laura lifts her hand and wiggles her fingers at him in a little wave. The man retreats.
I smile to myself. Laura has always been a tease, somehow knowing exactly how to reel men in – and how to get rid of them – even when we were only teenagers.
A minute later she’s setting our glasses down on the little metal table between us.
‘Well hello there.’ It’s Gary, a bottle of beer in his hand.
I stare at him, shocked at seeing him in his suit, out of context.
‘What are you doing here?’ I ask, more rudely than I mean to.
‘Drink after work,’ Gary says. He turns to Laura. ‘Do I know you?’
‘Not yet.’ Laura’s eyes twinkle.
I sigh wearily to myself as Gary clearly senses he’s in the company of a woman who’s as big a flirt as him and asks if he can buy either of us a drink.
‘How are you, Gary?’ I ask. If nothing else, this is a good opportunity to sound him out about his overt interest in Jed’s case against Benecke Tricorp. ‘Would you like to join us?’
‘Thanks.’ Gary settles himself beside Laura and takes a gulp of beer. ‘So how’s my brother doing? Court case keeping him busy?’
‘Yes,’ I say, my suspicions rearing up. Surely it can’t be a coincidence that this is the very first thing Gary mentions? ‘Jed’s busy, the case takes a lot of his energy.’
Gary shakes his head. ‘Lawyers,’ he says. ‘They’ll bleed you dry every time.’
‘Jed’s a lawyer,’ I point out.
‘So you’re Jed’s brother.’ Laura raises an eyebrow.
‘Younger brother,’ Gary says with a smarmy smile.
‘Of course.’ Laura virtually bats her eyelids at him.
Jesus.
‘Er, anyway, the case is going fine, Gary,’ I say but inside my head I’m remembering the disguised voice saying little bird. Could that have been Gary speaking? ‘I was wondering . . .’ I venture. ‘I wondered why the interest? I mean, you ask about it a lot.’
Gary nods thoughtfully. ‘Just don’t want my brother losing all his money on a law suit that the chances are high he’ll never win.’
‘Makes sense,’ Laura says.
‘I suppose.’ I sit back. Gary appears relaxed and laidback. Could he really only be interested in the financial aspect of the case? Does he truly have Jed’s best interests at heart? Maybe he does – he certainly came into his own back in Corsica, taking charge of us all in the immediate aftermath of Dee Dee’s death. And yet there’s something phony about his concern too. I rack my brains trying to work out how to make him say more, but I can’t think of a way of putting my questions that doesn’t sound like a naked accusation and after a few minutes, Gary leaves to go back to his friends.
‘Thinks he’s a smooth operator, doesn’t he?’ Laura says disparagingly.
I grin at her unfailing ability to see through male charm.
‘Just need the loo.’ Laura hitches her bag back onto her shoulder and sashays off again, this time in the direction of the ladies, though still with plenty of admiring glances following her. I lean back in my chair and close my eyes.
What a mess. Never mind about Gary. Can Jed and I get through this? I’m really not sure that we can.
As I wait for Laura, my phone beeps. I glance down. It’s a Snapchat, from Laura herself. What on earth has she seen in the ladies that she wants to show me so urgently?
I open the pic and the breath seems to leave my body.
It’s a photo of the dead sparrow from two days ago, or else a different, similar bird, along with a two-line message:
Dan Thackeray will be dead soon. You’re next.
I stare, horrified, at the screen as the picture disappears.
I jump up and look across at the ladies. Laura is just emerging. This came from her phone. Did she send it? Surely she couldn’t have. Wouldn’t have. Panic whirls inside me. Laura is staring at the floor; she bends down and picks something up. It’s a phone. Her phone. She looks up at me, confusion written all over her face.
‘Must have fallen out of my bag on the way into the loo,’ she’s saying as she walks towards me. ‘Lucky no one pinched it.’
Reality hits like a punch. Lish’s accomplice is here. Right now. I stare over at the bar. There’s no sign of Gary. Has he left already? Could the Snapchat be from him? Surely it has to be. It must have been sent less than two minutes ago.
A shiver snakes down my spine as Laura slides back into her seat.
Dan Thackeray will be dead soon.
I have to warn him.
‘I’ve got to go.’ I pick up my jacket. ‘Now.’
Laura frowns. ‘But I just got the drinks in.’
I’m already out of the door, fumbling with my phone. I need to call Dan. I glance over my shoulder. Whoever took and used Laura’s phone to send that Snapchat must have been watching us, is probably still watching.
The cold night air slaps at my face. Dan’s number won’t connect.
‘Come on, come on,’ I mutter into my mobile.
Laura stumbles out onto the pavement behind me. ‘What’s going on, Emily? What’s the matter?’
I explain as I try Dan’s number again. Laura’s eyes widen with horror.
‘You’re saying someone in that bar deliberately took my phone from my bag, used it then left it on the floor for me?’
I nod.
‘Fuck, Emily, this is mad. You should call the police.’
‘No.’ I point to her phone. ‘It’s a Snapchat. It’s gone. There’s no proof. There’s never any proof. That’s the point.’
I try Dan’s number a third time. This time it rings, a long, continuous tone. My stomach lurches, bile rising into my throat.
‘It’s been disconnected.’ I turn to Laura. ‘Shit, this is bad.’
‘What is?’
I shake my head. There’s no time to explain it to her. I have to find Dan, make sure he’s okay. I glance along the road. Three taxis with their lights on.
‘I have to go.’
‘You’re not making any sense,’ Laura protests. ‘If someone’s threatening you, you need to tell the police.’
‘No.’ I grab her arm. ‘No police. Promise me.’
‘Okay.’ Laura looks uncertain.
‘Promise me.’
‘I promise.’
I flag down one of the taxis. ‘Get in,’ I say.
Grumbling, Laura opens the door. ‘Where are we going?’
‘You’re going home.’ I slam the door shut, then give the driver Laura’s street name in Kennington.
‘Wait.’ She grabs the handle, but the driver has already locked the door.
‘Go,’ I order.
Laura raises her hands in a gesture of annoyed impatience. ‘Emily!’
‘Go!’ I repeat, more loudly.
The taxi pulls away.
I consult my phone again. Dan’s number is my only way of contacting him. He said he had a flat in Hoxton, but I have no idea where and I can hardly start randomly knocking on doors in the area. I rack my brains. Who am I still in touch with who might know where he lives?
Eve. My friend from college. Dan mentioned her that first time we met, didn’t he? I haven’t seen her in months, since before I met Jed, but I do have her number. I scroll through my contacts with trembling fingers. Traffic rushes past. A group of wo
men cross the road just ahead, all giggling hysterically.
‘Eve?’
‘Hey, Emily, how are you?’ There’s music in the background. People talking. Eve’s voice is light, she’s been laughing.
‘I’m, er, fine.’ I try and pull myself together. ‘I’m sorry to call out of the blue, but I’m trying to track down Dan Thackeray. Do you remember him?’
‘Course,’ Eve giggles. Is she drunk? Tipsy, certainly. ‘We used to call him Mr Hot. But I haven’t seen him in a million years.’
My heart sinks. Behind Eve, the music pounds out – fast and loud. An intricate jazz track, very much to Eve’s taste.
‘Hey, Emily?’ Eve slurs. ‘You still there?’
‘Yes.’ My mind starts galloping over other options, other ways of tracking down Dan.
Suppose they’ve got to him already?
‘I’m having people round, well, you can probably hear. Just moved in with my boyfriend. It’s kind of turned into something bigger than planned. You know how I like spontaneous—’
‘Eve, I’m sorry, but I’m just trying to find Dan Thackeray.’
‘Yeah, I know, that’s what I’m trying to say . . . Charlie Lewis will be here soon, d’you remember him? Maria Crowley went out with him, from our year? He knows Dan from their uni days so—’
‘I remember Charlie Lewis,’ I say. My mind fills with an image of Dan’s friend from years ago: sandy-haired, broad-shouldered and genial. ‘Do you think he knows where Dan lives?’
‘I’d imagine so, but I haven’t seen him myself for—’
‘When will Charlie be at your party?’ I interrupt.
‘Dunno, I don’t have his number, but I’m guessing in the next hour or so. Come along, have a drink with us.’
‘Thank you. Yes.’ I look around, checking to see if anyone is standing close enough to overhear. But nobody appears to be watching me. ‘What’s the address?’
I make a note of it, then flag down a cab. My heart thuds in my chest as I head towards Whitechapel. Not very far from Hoxton. So . . . if Charlie turns up and if he knows where Dan lives I should be able to find Dan within the next couple of hours. That’s if he is at home, of course. If he isn’t already dead.
I try Dan’s mobile again. Definitely disconnected. Surely he wouldn’t have changed the number without telling me? My breath is coming in short, ragged gasps. I couldn’t bear it if anything has happened to him.
Suddenly I remember Jed. I need to tell him where I’m going and what I’m doing.
He answers on the first ring. ‘On your way home, baby?’
‘No.’ I gulp. ‘I’m trying to find Dan, I think he’s in danger.’
‘What?’ There’s a sharp intake of breath. ‘What the fuck are you talking about?’
I explain as quickly as I can about the Snapchat message. ‘It adds up with the phone call and the dead bird outside our house. Don’t you see? Little bird. It’s another warning. Dan Thackeray will be dead soon.’
‘I don’t see that at all.’ Jed’s voice is taut with repressed fury. ‘I’ve told you already, it must be Thackeray who’s sending you this stuff.’
‘No, if it was Dan I’d have seen him at the bar.’
‘Then he got someone else to do it for him,’ Jed insists. ‘Come on, baby. You need to trust me on all this. Lish isn’t drug dealing. Dee Dee was the victim of Benecke Tricorp’s negligence. It’s paranoid to believe a gang of organized criminals are after you.’ He pauses. ‘This is all down to Dan Thackeray . . . he’s making you paranoid.’
I grit my teeth. I have always hated not being believed. One of my strongest early memories is of playing ball with my brother and sister in the garden. I was about eight or nine, Martin and Rose in their early teens. We were supposed to only use tennis balls, but Martin had just got hold of a cricket ball. He mistimed his throw to Rose and broke a window. The two of them ganged up on me, told Mum and Dad that I’d picked up the cricket ball and thrown it at the window deliberately. My parents were furious, especially when I refused to admit that I’d done it.
‘I’m not being paranoid and Dan isn’t behind all the threats,’ I say, struggling to keep my temper. How dare Jed still be patronizing me like this? Does he not understand how serious this is?
The taxi swerves around a corner and stops at a red light. I fidget in my seat. I’m still at least fifteen minutes away from Eve’s flat in Whitechapel.
I take a deep breath. ‘I have to warn Dan, I really think he’s in danger.’
‘Don’t.’ Jed’s voice has a fierce edge. ‘I’m telling you, don’t.’
I hesitate. Outside the streetlights are flashing by, the buildings a blur as the taxi picks up speed along an empty road.
‘Or what?’ I ask.
Silence. ‘You have to choose,’ Jed says. ‘Me or him.’
I sit, the phone pressed to my ear. ‘I don’t accept that,’ I say.
‘I don’t care what you fucking accept.’ Jed’s voice rises.
And in that moment my choice is made.
‘Bye, Jed,’ I say. Then I ring off.
July 2014
Tonight was the engagement party at Daddy and Emily’s house. I’d been dreading it, because Mum made comments ALL week about how I didn’t have to go if I didn’t want to, meaning that SHE didn’t want me to go. But OBVIOUSLY I had to go as Daddy would have been SO MAD if I hadn’t. But I was still dreading it because I wasn’t going to know anyone and I am FAT and they’d all be grown-ups. Anyway, it started off actually quite nice. Daddy said my top was a pretty colour and Emily put on some cool music and her sister Rose and brother Martin came round and they were really sweet, especially Martin. And Lish was there too and he was really chatty for once because he was happy because he was about to go away to a festival with his friends that Daddy was paying for in order to get Lish to come on holiday with us in a few weeks. And Uncle Gary was there with his girlfriend who has, like, the BIGGEST boobs you’ve ever seen and she didn’t say much and I got stuck with Uncle Gary for about ten minutes of ‘so how is school?’ and ‘which subjects do you like best?’ but then Martin’s boyfriend Cameron turned up and he is TOTALLY cool and he and Martin gave me a bracelet. They had one for Emily too. It is gold and a bit big but REALLY pretty.
So they were all talking and getting ready for the other guests to come and Cameron asked if people my age still used Facebook and I said yeah, sort of, but there were other things and Martin asked ‘like what?’ and I told them a bit about things like Snapchat which they knew about and UFrenz and WeChat which they didn’t. And Rose and Uncle Gary were all ‘you have to be careful who you talk to online, there are paedophiles everywhere’ blah blah like grownups do but Cameron said he thought people didn’t give teenagers enough credit for telling the difference between a real friend and a paedo pretending to like you and then Uncle Gary started saying about how they needed to do more to prepare kids for the real world in schools and a minute later he was asking me about my school AGAIN. And Emily saw I looked sad and it was because talking to Uncle Gary about school had reminded me of everything that happened with Ava and Poppy and Georgia. And a bit later she asked me to help her in the kitchen and when we were on our own she asked if I was okay and I suddenly just told her how last term I got some nasty texts from a couple of girls at school. I said it was over now and that I’d deleted them so I couldn’t show her, but that the girls had said mean things like I was ugly and stuff.
Emily was all shocked and upset for me. She asked what my friends thought when all this happened and I couldn’t bring myself to explain that the girls sending the texts WERE my friends so I made out I had these whole other and imaginary girlfriends who had supported me and challenged the nasty girls until it stopped. Emily wanted to tell Daddy but I asked her not to but she said she really had to but I think she must have had a word with him first because he was really nice and didn’t ask too many questions in that way he sometimes does. And he asked if he shouldn’t get Mum to call the schoo
l or the mums of the girls who sent the texts but I said I didn’t know exactly who the texts were from because the senders had blocked their names which is true though of course I know it’s Poppy and Ava and probably Georgia Dutton too. Plus I said school was over for summer so there was no point raking it all up. And I definitely didn’t want to tell Mum.
In the end I could see Daddy was relieved not to have to say anything and then the party started and it was all over. THANK GOODNESS because Mum had been on the phone to him earlier, getting all upset and angry about the engagement again. She EXPLODED when he told her last week. Even under two pillows and a duvet I could hear her yelling that he was a bastard. Earlier tonight I heard Daddy call her a bitch to Emily when he thought I couldn’t hear. That made me feel all empty and I sneaked three whole chocolate cupcakes supposed to be for later out of the fridge.
Anyway, I don’t know why I’m saying all this because none of it is the BIG news. That happened later, when the party was nearly over and I was going up to the top bathroom off Daddy and Emily’s room and I got near their bedroom and I saw something between two people. And I don’t want to say what they were saying or doing but I will say that it is a REALLY BAD secret and that they would be MAD AS HELL if they knew that I knew.
December 2014
Anxiety knots my stomach as I make my way into Eve’s Whitechapel apartment. It’s a beautiful flat full of her art dealer boyfriend’s tasteful pieces and on another occasion I would have thoroughly enjoyed taking a proper look at all the abstract designs and elegant statues that decorate the two large reception rooms. Eve herself is delightfully pleased to see me, taking me straight over to a few uni friends. Charlie apparently isn’t here yet so I stand and wait, an unwanted glass of white wine in my hand, trying to focus on what Keeley and Fran are saying about their respective toddlers.
I look over at the door every few moments. I last saw Charlie about eight and a half years ago. He can’t have changed that much. A couple of the guys catch my eye and I immediately look down at the floor. After half an hour, I’m almost ready to break with the tension and Keeley and Fran are no longer even pretending to include me in their conversation, when Charlie walks in. He looks the same as I remember, just with shorter hair. He looks around, presumably for Eve. I set down my wine and start to head over. But before I’ve taken two steps he laughs at something the person behind him has said, then he turns . . . and Dan himself is there.