I stop walking, partly from shock and partly with relief. He’s here. He’s all right. My whole body releases as I stare at him laughing with Charlie, then looking around the room. He’s wearing a white shirt over dark blue jeans. His hair is scruffy and there’s a hint of stubble on his chin. The tide of my relief washes away and is instantly replaced with a wave of lust. My face flushes as it fills me.
All this happens in a fraction, then Dan turns his head and before I can breathe our eyes lock. It’s as if we’re the only people in the room. In a second Dan is here, right in front of me, looking down at me, his grey eyes alive with delight and – unmistakably – desire. A delicious shiver wriggles through me.
‘Are you okay?’ I ask.
‘Course. Charlie rang me, he said you were here, that you were asking Eve about me,’ he says, moving closer, right into my space. Exquisitely close. He lowers his voice to a whisper and I have to lean in to hear him above the jazz that soars around us. ‘Is something wrong?’ He still hasn’t taken his eyes off me. I can’t look away, can’t think, can’t move.
‘Yes.’ I try to gather myself. ‘I needed to see you.’
‘Good. I’m . . . that’s just so good.’ Dan leans in closer. ‘Em, I don’t know how to say this but I can’t stop thinking about you. I haven’t called because it’s what we agreed and anyway I know I fucked things up when I met you before, trying to get that story on Jed. But—’
‘That doesn’t matter now. Listen, Dan, you’re in danger.’
‘What?’ Dan frowns. ‘Come here.’ He takes my hand and I let him hold it as he leads me through the living room and out into the corridor. He tries a couple of doors before we reach an empty room. It’s a bedroom, a spare I’m guessing, littered with coats from the party guests – with what looks like a Picasso sketch above the bed.
Dan shuts the door and the music dulls to a soft lilt. ‘Danger?’ he says, still frowning. ‘From who? Lish?’
‘Yes, well, someone he works with, probably. It might even be Jed’s brother, Gary.’ I tell Dan everything that’s happened since I saw him. Dan looks angry and horrified by turns. ‘I tried to call you,’ I finish, ‘but it said the number was unobtainable.’
Dan nods. ‘I switched to a new mobile number yesterday. I got tired of your fiancé harassing me.’
I stare at him. ‘Harassing you?’ Thoughts of Lish and the disguised voice on the phone fade from my mind. ‘Jed has been calling you?’
‘Yes,’ Dan says. ‘Warning me to stay away from Lish, from you. Every effing day.’
Outside, a piano solo plays fast and intricate. A group of people are talking just beyond the door. One of them shrieks ‘hey, no way’ at the top of their voice. Dan still hasn’t taken his eyes off me.
‘Jed thinks you’ve made up the whole thing to get me back.’
‘I know, it’s—’
‘It’s not just that. He’s been tracking where I go on my phone. That’s how he knew I went to the police, but I think he also wanted to see if I’d go to you.’
‘Jesus.’ Dan shudders. I reach out and curl my fingers around his arm. In an instant Dan has closed the gap between us. He looks at me, his eyes glittering.
‘I came here to warn you,’ I say, struggling to keep my voice steady. ‘I know you said you were going to investigate Lish on your own, but you can’t. It’s not safe. They know what you’re doing and—’
Dan leans forward. His mouth presses against mine and I’m lost in the kiss, my whole body trembling.
‘I’m not stopping, Em,’ Dan whispers. ‘Apart from the fact that what Jed’s son is doing is illegal, it’s also dangerous to hand out prescription drugs without a doctor or a proper medical assessment, and that’s when the drugs are real brands. The Valium Lish sold me was fake, it could have contained anything.’ He steps back, still staring intently at me. ‘I don’t mean to sound self-righteous about this, but I hate the way Jed is handling it: bullying you, haranguing me, all against fake drugs unless it’s his own son who’s peddling them. I’m not going to back off. It’s what he wants. And it’s wrong.’
‘But you’re not safe.’
‘I’ve got a lead, something to look into tomorrow.’ Dan takes a deep breath. ‘Look, I understand it’s risky and that being connected to you involves you in that risk and that, more than anything, means that if you really want me to I’ll stop. But not until I’ve followed this lead tomorrow.’
‘No.’ I shake my head for emphasis. ‘If they haven’t found you yet, it’s just a matter of time. You can’t go home, so—’
‘Then I’ll stay in a hotel. For tonight. After tomorrow I should have something to take to the police anyway.’
I chew on my lip. At least in a hotel Dan will be safe.
‘Come with me, Em.’
I look up. Dan offers me a gentle smile. ‘To the hotel . . . please? If I’m not safe, then you’re not either, so come with me. You can stay in the hotel tonight and . . . and for as long as it takes until I’ve followed up this lead and told the police what I’ve found.’
‘Stay in a hotel? With you?’ I raise my eyebrows. ‘Just because Jed is being an arse and I’ve kissed you once.’
‘Twice,’ he says.
‘It doesn’t mean I’m about to jump into bed with you in some seedy hotel.’
‘It will be a nice hotel.’ Dan grins. ‘And we can have separate rooms, if you like. Please, Em. I need to know you’re safe. Plus there’s something I need to tell you. Nothing to do with this stuff, something personal.’
I should say ‘no’; find my own hotel – or go to stay with Martin or Rose. It’s completely fucked up to leave Jed and jump straight into bed with Dan, however much I’m attracted to him. Saying ‘no’ is the sensible choice.
I don’t make it.
The hotel is warm after the cold December air. I know Jed will be calling me so I have switched off my phone. Neither Dan nor I have any luggage, of course, but the hotel manager is as smooth as he is professional and doesn’t bat an eyelid. Our room is small but smart, with a great view over the streets of Covent Garden and elegant black and white tiles in the bathroom.
I sit down in the armchair next to the window and stare outside. What am I doing here?
‘Have you eaten?’ Dan asks.
‘I’m not hungry.’
He walks over. I can feel him behind me, the heat of his body as he leans down, smoothes away my hair and kisses the back of my neck. ‘I want you,’ he whispers in my ear.
I turn around and look up. His eyes burn into me.
‘I want you too.’ The words slither out of me, under my breath. I don’t even know I’m saying them. I can’t think. Can’t feel anything except the most overwhelming desire I’ve ever experienced in my life.
‘How have you been?’ I ask. ‘Since I saw you?’
‘Miserable,’ he says. ‘Missing you.’
Outside the streetlamps glimmer and traffic zooms past. I can still feel the imprint of Dan’s lips on my neck.
‘I don’t just mean missing you recently. I realized when I saw you at the beginning of the month that I’ve been missing you for eight years,’ Dan goes on, his voice low. ‘I was such an idiot when you knew me before . . . I wanted travel, excitement, sex with every woman on the planet. A whole load of stupid, stupid stuff and I went and tried to get it and none of it made me happy because you and I were meant to be and I fucking threw it away eight years ago. And I didn’t even realize until I saw you and at first I told myself it’s just because you’re so bloody gorgeous, but the more time I spent with you the more everything in my life made sense again and I don’t know what I can do, what I can offer you, but I can’t help how I feel. I love you. I’ve always loved you. I’m pretty certain that I’m always going to love you.’
My cheeks burn as he finishes. Dan backs away and sits on the end of the bed. ‘So,’ he says. ‘This thing I need to tell you, it’s—’
‘Is it about Jed?’
‘No.’ Da
n rubs his forehead. ‘Christ. Shit. Is there anything in the minibar?’
‘Wait.’ I go over and sit beside him. I’m so close that I can feel the muscles under the thin cotton of his shirt. I’m suddenly certain that I know what he’s going to tell me. And I know that if my guess is right, I will have to turn around and walk out of the door. ‘Is it that you’re married?’ I ask, my guts twisting into a knot.
‘No.’ Dan frowns.
‘But you’re with someone?’
‘No, of course not. I already told you I’m single. I’m in love with you.’
I stroke his cheek. He closes his eyes as my thumb traces the line of his lips. I want to kiss him, to touch him. I need to feel that he’s real, that this is real.
‘Then whatever it is that you want to tell me can wait,’ I say.
Dan opens his eyes. He puts his hand on the wall above my head. He leans close, over my face, so that his lips are almost touching my skin.
‘This is real,’ he whispers, as if he heard my unspoken question.
My breath catches in my throat as his lips brush my nose, my cheeks, my mouth. Then I stop thinking and I give myself up to his kiss.
I wake up, wrapped in Dan’s arms. I lie on the bed, my entire body heavy on the sheets. I focus on his hand. It rests on my arm, just above the elbow. Soft, warm, I can’t tell where his skin ends and mine begins. I can feel his breath on my neck, slow and steady.
I know I should feel guilty about what I’ve just done. Not only am I still, technically at least, engaged to another man, by any measure it is crazy to dive into bed with Dan without stopping to think. Trouble is I don’t feel guilty. I’m happy. Ridiculously happy. Dan wants me and I want him and right now I can’t see beyond that.
He stirs, his arms pulling me back. I squirrel into his chest.
‘I love you,’ he whispers.
I turn around so we are facing. His face is soft with release, his wavy hair messy over his forehead. I reach up, sleepy-limbed, and stroke it back. The first time was fast and furious, all passion and lust. The second was calmer and quieter, just the sound of our breathing and our eyes never breaking contact and on and on. My fingers trail down to the swallow tattoo on Dan’s upper right arm. I trace the outline.
‘Do you remember when we went to get that done?’ I ask.
Dan nods.
‘And I chickened out?’ I continue.
‘I wanted to as well.’ Dan grimaces. ‘I mean, why a bloody swallow? I was too up my own arse to admit I’d changed my mind. I admired you so much for saying that you had.’
‘Did you?’ I prop myself up on my elbow. ‘I thought you thought I was a coward.’
‘Quite the opposite. It’s funny, I remember most people who met you back then were fooled because you look so perfect, like a doll, and you’re not loud and pushy. They thought you were – don’t take this the wrong way – but they assumed you were a bit fragile. My friends teased me about wanting to be a “he-man”, a cartoon hero, you know? As if what I wanted was to big myself up by protecting you. I think even your brother and sister thought you were like that – needing to be looked after. But I never saw you like that. Right from the start I saw how strong you were. You would always do the right thing, even when it was hard; even when most people would have bluffed or lied or fudged their way out of a situation, you always faced everything head on.’
I stare at him. It’s true that people have always seen me as fragile – a bit of a victim, even. And if I’m honest there have been times, as with Jed in our early days, when I have enjoyed people wanting to look after me, even liked being looked after. But in the end I always resent it.
‘You never said any of that back then.’
‘Didn’t I?’ Dan sighs. ‘Well, as I say, I was so up my own arse I’m sure there were lots of things I didn’t say or do that I should have done.’ He kisses me gently on the lips then fixes me with a serious look. ‘I don’t want to push you, I don’t want to pressure you, but I don’t want to lose you again either. I’m not asking you to decide anything, not right now, but I’m serious about this, about us. Okay?’
I nod. ‘Tell me about this lead you’ve got.’
‘It came from the time I met Lish. I cloned his phone so I could track his texts and calls. He’s pretty careful but there was one text yesterday about a meeting that I saw before he switched to a new phone.’
‘What did it say?’
‘Tomorrow’s date then the word: park.’
‘Park?’ I frown at him. ‘Which park? How do you know where he’ll be? Or when?’
Dan smiles. ‘Because there was another text to the same number about an hour later which said 3 p.m. RHG.’
‘Meaning?’
‘I didn’t know at first, but I Googled all the parks in London and the area around Southampton looking for something with those initials and I found it: Robin Hood Gate, in Richmond Park.’
‘So you think Lish will be there at three p.m.?’
Dan nods. ‘Er, d’you remember I said there was something I had to tell you?’
‘Yes.’ My stomach clenches with anxiety. What the hell is coming now?
‘I really do need you to know this. I should have told you before; it makes a difference to us.’
‘What is it?’ I ask.
A look of anxiety fills Dan’s eyes. He holds out his phone to me. ‘It’s this,’ he says.
I take the phone and peer down at the text message on the screen. It was sent at 6 p.m. this evening:
Love you too, Lulu xxxxxx
I freeze. Who the hell is Lulu? Has everything Dan has just said and done been a lie? Am I, in fact, the most gullible person alive?
I look up at him. ‘What is this?’
‘Didn’t you read the messages?’
I look back at the screen, at the previous part of the conversation:
Hope you had a fun day. See you on Saturday. Daddy x
Yes!!! Lulu xxxoooxxx
Night night Lulu, love you, Daddy xxx
Love you too, Lulu xxxxxx
I stare up at him. ‘You have a daughter?’
‘Yes, she’s nearly five.’
‘Why didn’t you say anything before?’
‘I’ve wanted to but . . . but those times weren’t about me.’ Dan rubs his forehead. ‘I’m sorry, I’ve really wanted to tell you but it’s a complicated situation . . .’ He tails off.
‘Do you have a picture?’ I say, feeling stunned.
‘Sure.’ Dan takes the phone from my hands, swipes the screen, then hands it back. The lock screen shows a little girl with blond hair in fine pigtails and a big grin. There’s a touch of Dan about her grey eyes, though hers are bluer than his.
‘She’s gorgeous,’ I say. I can’t keep the sense of loss out of my voice. Dan has clearly had a serious relationship, maybe even a wife, though I’m sure he told me before that he hadn’t. I look up. ‘Where’s her mother?’ I ask.
‘Okay, this is why I didn’t just blurt it out.’ He hesitates.
Oh, Jesus. What is he about to confess?
‘You said you weren’t married or with anyone.’
‘I’m not,’ Dan says quickly. ‘I’m not. I’m single, just like I said.’
‘So you’re separated from the mother?’
‘No,’ Dan says. ‘We were never together.’
‘You mean a one-night stand?’
‘Not even that.’ Dan rubs his forehead again. ‘Her mother is a journo friend of mine who was out in the States same time I was. She wanted a baby, but also wanted to know the father, so—’
‘So you shagged her?’
‘No. Listen, Em. She’s gay.’
I stare at him.
‘Her name is Carrie. She was with someone, Gill, but obviously they couldn’t have kids so they asked me and I said yes. The deal was always that I’d be involved – but not on an everyday basis. I agreed without really thinking about it, which was possibly the second most stupid thing I’ve ever done after le
aving you. But once Lulu was born I fell head over heels with her. She’s amazing, Em, just so smart and sweet. I can’t wait for you to meet her, if . . . if that’s what you want, if you decide you want to be with me.’
‘Wait, slow down.’ I look back at the screen, at the smiling Lulu. ‘Are you telling me you are the father of a little girl, whose mum is a lesbian?’
‘Yes. Well, she has two mums: Gill and Carrie. One of the reasons I’m here is because they came back to England because Carrie got a job on a national a few months ago. They live in Yorkshire now. That’s why I left the States and came home too. I go up to visit every other weekend. I stay there, take Lulu out.’
We look at each other. Dan clears his throat. ‘I realize this is a massive thing to throw at you, but it doesn’t change how I feel . . . about us.’
I look away. I can’t deal with this, not right now. ‘What about this meeting Lish is going to tomorrow?’ I ask. ‘What do we do about that?’
‘I’m going to be there, at the park gate. I’ll be able to see who he’s meeting . . . maybe even film what happens . . .’
‘I’m coming too,’ I say.
‘No—’
I press my finger over Dan’s lips. ‘I’m not asking permission, Dan. I’m coming.’
2 August
So like for a WHOLE DAY I kept thinking about what I saw at the party and should I tell Mum or Daddy even though they would both be SO MAD. In the end I went on UFrenz and the most AMAZING thing happened. It’s funny cos Mum has been asking why I’m not seeing my friends over the holiday and I’ve said so and so is away or that I’d rather be on my own or whatever. And Mum said she’d get Marietta Hingis round for a playdate – like we were still FIVE YEARS OLD – and I told her NO and that I HATE MARIETTA HINGIS and Mum got all cross and said she was only trying to help. SO . . . yesterday after we’d had a row AGAIN I came up here and went on UFrenz like I’ve done before only this time I met Bex on it. And she was SO lovely. And YES I KNOW that paedos and whatnot go to places like that like they were all saying at the party but Bex is real. I know she is who she says cos of the way she talks about her picture – you have to post a picture of your face and say your age and you’re not ALLOWED to use it unless you’re between thirteen and eighteen so it’s supposed to be, like, TOTALLY safe.