He thought about sleeping out there again, curling up on a lounge chair and letting the daylight wake him. He’d missed the sun, realizing now how stupid it had been to think he could live without it. He felt a pang of guilt as he looked around the backyard, tracing the top of the wooden fence with his eyes. Maybe he could’ve been coming out here this whole time. It felt so easy now. All it took was one step and it was like it had never been off limits, like he hadn’t gone three years without touching the grass or feeling the sun on his skin or shivering in the night breeze. Is this what getting better felt like? And if all he had to do was close his eyes and take a step to make everything better, then why couldn’t he just do it? Just rip it like a Band-Aid. Why did the thought of walking out that front door still make him feel like his heart was imploding?
“This is all I need,” he said aloud into the darkness of the yard. But even he wasn’t sure he believed it anymore.
• • •
The next day, Solomon woke up to the sound of his grandma’s voice echoing down the hall and into his bedroom. His parents were at work, so he knew she was on the phone with a client or something, probably being intentionally loud to wake him up.
When he walked into the kitchen a few minutes later, she was sitting at the counter with her reading glasses barely on the tip of her nose and a newspaper in her hands. For a minute she didn’t see him, so she kept reading and humming to herself.
“Grandma?”
She threw the paper down, jumped up, and ran across the kitchen to hug him. She planted a big, loud kiss on the side of his face and then squeezed him again, so tight she took the wind out of his lungs.
“Okay, okay,” he said, backing up. “You’re freaking me out.”
“Look at you! You’ve already got a tan!”
“It’s a sunburn.”
“Sunburn schmunburn. You look alive, kid. Like somebody brought you back from the dead.”
“Thanks,” he said. “You bring your swimsuit? The pool’s awesome.”
“No, no. I’ve got three houses to show by five. I just came to see it for myself.”
“The pool?”
“Are you kidding? I’ve seen thousands of pools, Solomon. I want to see you out there. Go on. Start walking. I’m very busy.”
When he stepped out into the backyard, she did the hug and loud kiss thing all over again. He thanked her for the pool, but she wouldn’t hear it, choosing instead to take pictures of him standing in the grass and by the fence and sitting on the diving board. By the time she was done, his face was sore from all the smiling.
“I missed the mountains,” he said, pointing over into the distance.
“I never liked ’em,” she said. “Don’t get it.”
“Really? I love them.”
“Yeah, well, I always wanted to live by the beach when I moved out here. I did, for a while, you know? Back when I was trying to be an actress some girlfriends and I got a place in Long Beach. It wasn’t as nice back then, but we could afford it and it was close enough to the city to carpool to casting calls and our real jobs—waitressing.”
“So why’d you move out here then?”
“Your grandpa. This was his hometown and he wasn’t going to live anywhere else. He made that very clear when we met, and despite my better judgment, I married him anyway.”
“You know you loved him,” he said. “Why’re you always talking trash about Grandpa?”
“Tell you a secret?”
“Yeah.”
“Makes it easier. If I pretend all he did was drive me crazy, I don’t miss him so much. It works. Maybe it’s bad, but it works.”
“I wish I’d met him.”
“He would’ve loved you. You’re . . . like he was. He kept to himself, mostly, but when you caught him in the right mood, he’d talk for hours. He’d tell stories till he was blue in the face—did you hear the one about whatever. I see that in your dad sometimes, too.”
“Three generations of crazy.”
“A loony legacy” she said.
“A straight coat of arms.”
“You win.”
“Are you going to make me swim, too?” he asked. “I think my trunks are in the washer.”
“No,” she said. “Just promise me you won’t drown in this nice expensive pool while no one’s here all day, okay? Don’t give me that to live with for the next twenty years.”
“I bet you’ve got more than twenty.”
“Shhh,” she snapped. “I’m a dinosaur. Give me a hug so I can go earn your inheritance back.”
Once he was alone, he didn’t bother going to get his trunks. Instead he walked back to the pool, threw his pjs and T-shirt onto the ground, and jumped right in. He swam around for a while, sometimes breaking to float on his back and get warm from the sun before diving back down to the bottom and turning flips all the way back up. He hadn’t heard the doorbell inside, so he had the absolute shit scared out of him when he popped up from the water to take a big breath and Clark Robbins was standing at the edge of the pool with a huge smile on his face.
“Holy shit!” Solomon yelled, quickly covering his privates with both hands and going back underwater.
He thought maybe it was all a hallucination, some weird effect of all this swimming after so many years without it. But he opened his eyes and looked up to see the cloudy image of his friend looking down at him. Then, just as he was about to come up for air, Clark jumped in.
When his head was above water, he saw Clark’s clothes, all of his clothes, lying on the ground. He looked over where he’d jumped in and watched the shiny figure swim down toward the bottom. He was too embarrassed and paranoid to stick his head underwater and try for a better view, but he did consider it.
When Clark’s head popped up by the diving board, he looked right at Solomon and smiled.
“Don’t judge. It’s effing cold in here.”
“I’m not looking,” Solomon said quickly. “How’d you get in?”
“Door was unlocked,” he said, starting to swim closer.
“Weird.”
It was the first time Solomon had ever forgotten to lock the front door. Ever. And if very naked Clark hadn’t been swimming toward him, he would’ve had time to freak out about that, too.
“So this whole ploy . . . this swimming pool thing was just so you could skinny-dip, huh?”
“For sure,” Solomon said. “Caught me. I’ll go get my trunks in a second.”
“Nobody here but us.”
“Lisa?”
“Said she wasn’t feeling well. Told me to keep you company.”
Solomon, still naked, still covering his business with both hands, eyed his towel where it sat impossibly far away on a chair. Clark was just swimming around the pool behind him like everything was normal.
Solomon stayed in one spot for a while, unable to move, too embarrassed and confused and overwhelmed to do anything but try to seem like he wasn’t watching Clark. But how could he not be watching him? He was naked and swimming all around him. It was like every gay dude’s dream come true—a naked athlete floating around in the backyard. Or maybe it was just Solomon’s dream with this particular athlete. Either way, it was happening and his eyes didn’t know where to go.
“Hey,” Clark said, swimming up way too close to him. “You’re blushing.”
“Sunburn,” he said, trying his best not to look down.
“I’ll go get my shorts.”
Clark used both hands to pull himself out of the water and Solomon watched as he walked across the yard, his bare white butt right there for all the neighborhood to see. He took his swim trunks off the fence where he’d left them drying the night before.
And since Clark was looking the other way, Solomon quickly climbed out of the pool and wrapped a nearby towel around his waist.
“I’m goin
g to go grab mine,” he said, walking across the yard and into the house.
When he returned, Clark was in the water doing a handstand. He waited for him to come up for air before jumping back in and then he swam to the shallow end and took a seat on one of the steps.
“You okay, man?” Clark asked, wading toward him.
“Yeah,” he said unconvincingly. “Totally.”
“Hey, look, I’m used to the locker room and a house with three brothers. I shouldn’t have done that.”
“It’s not a big deal,” he said. “I just . . . I don’t know. Sorry I’m being weird.”
“Sol,” Clark said, moving closer. “It’s okay. You can look, just don’t touch.”
“Jerk,” he said, a smile forcing its way onto his face.
“Really, though. I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable. You’re like my brother or something, I just didn’t even think twice about it.”
Solomon went underwater, opened his eyes, and let the words echo and sink in and swim all around in his head. Like my brother.
He shook it off and challenged Clark to a race. Clark won, of course, but Solomon came surprisingly close, especially for someone so out of practice. He also couldn’t help being distracted by Clark, watching him as he moved through the water. He liked the way his hair looked when it was wet, slicked back like an old movie star. And he was fascinated by the little patch of dark hair Clark had growing in the center of his chest.
“I didn’t see that in your water polo pictures. The ones Lisa showed me,” Solomon said.
“I shave it during the season. Don’t make fun.”
“Hey, I can’t even grow one hair on my chest. Respect.”
“My dad looks like a grizzly bear with his shirt off. I’m so jealous,” Clark said. “I want, like, caveman body hair, the kind that hovers all around you, you know? That’s the manliest you can get.”
“And why do you need to be so manly?”
“Well, she won’t tell you, but it’s Lisa’s thing. She likes a real scruffy sort of guy. Maybe I should grow a beard.”
“Lumbersexual,” Solomon said. “I think that’s what they call it.”
“Nice,” Clark said. “I want a beard and to be covered in body hair and then I’ll marry Lisa and we’ll move to Portland or something and build a tiny house.”
“That’s your dream?”
“I think so,” Clark said, immediately following it with a backflip in the water.
Solomon got quiet after that, but he tried to talk just enough for Clark not to sense anything. He was so angry at himself for letting this happen, for feeling the way he felt about Clark. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t shake it, either. And, long after Clark had gone home, Solomon stayed up wondering if everyone falls in love with someone who can’t love them back.
TWENTY-TWO
LISA PRAYTOR
Lisa was pretending to be sick so she wouldn’t have to spend another whole day watching Solomon Reed steal her boyfriend. And it was that kind of thinking that told her she needed to talk to someone. That someone had to be Janis. Not the Janis from camp—fueled by anger and jealousy—but the one she’d known her whole life who could sometimes suspend her self-righteousness just long enough to say all the right things.
As Lisa knocked on the door, she closed her eyes and turned her head to one side, almost hoping no one would answer.
“What?” Janis barked, swinging the door open.
“Hi.”
“What do you want, Lisa?”
“We have to talk.”
“No we don’t.”
Lisa knew what she had to do. The only way to reconcile with someone like Janis, who lived for drama, was to give her a good old-fashioned emotional breakdown. It was through tears that she got her real strength. And Lisa was ready to pay up.
So, she silently stepped forward and hugged Janis around the neck, putting as much of her weight on her shoulders as possible. Lisa was prepared to put on a performance, but she hadn’t expected the floodgates to open like they did and before she knew it, she and Janis were both sobbing in each other’s arms.
It didn’t take long before they’d made up. They were more like sisters than either of them would ever admit, so they’d had their fair share of big blowups in the past. Lisa wanted to take Janis to lunch, so she waited while her friend got ready and then drove her to a sandwich place downtown. They sat outside and Lisa looked over the menu while Janis texted someone, her fingers furiously tapping her phone screen. Then she let out a big laugh and kept texting, completely ignoring Lisa and everything else around her.
“Who’s that?” Lisa asked.
She set the phone facedown and gave her friend a big, sneaky smile.
“I thought you’d never ask. I have a boyfriend.”
“A what? That’s awesome!”
“His name’s Trevor Blackwell. We met at Camp Christ Is Risen.”
“Last year?”
“Yeah. But, he had a girlfriend, so I waited and prayed and then, a couple weeks ago, he messaged me and said they broke up. You’ve got to see him. He’s like a model or something.”
Janis picked her phone back up, clicked a few times, and handed it to Lisa. He was attractive enough, in that unassuming sort of way like the best friend in every movie you’ve ever seen. Lisa hammed it up, though.
“He’s so cute, Janis. That smile. Maybe I should go to this camp.”
“We met during a reenactment of the crucifixion.”
“Your first date was a crucifixion?”
“Reenactment,” Janis corrected. “It wasn’t a date. It was love at first sight.”
Lisa couldn’t help imagining these lovebirds standing in the woods while two high schoolers pretended to whip a dude dressed like Jesus in the background.
“I’m glad, Janis. You seem really happy.”
“I am,” she said, grabbing her phone. “I just wish he lived closer.”
“Where’s he live?”
“Tustin. But it may as well be Jupiter.”
“That’s not that far,” Lisa said. “Like an hour.”
“An hour is an eternity when you’re this in love. But, I’ll see him at camp next week.”
“Janis, please don’t get knocked up at Christian camp.”
“Can you imagine? My mom would kill me.”
“You could always call it a miracle Virgin birth maybe?”
“Well, gosh, I hadn’t thought of that.”
After lunch, they went to a serve-yourself yogurt shop around the corner. It had been their spot once, after school and sometimes on Sundays. It was weird being there, after so long, and Lisa was feeling a little overwhelmed by Janis’s nonstop talking.
“So, how are your boyfriends?” Janis asked.
“Good,” she said. “Just . . . yeah . . . good.”
“Look, I’m sorry for what I said, okay? It wasn’t fair. And what do I know anyway?”
“Maybe you were right,” Lisa said, louder than she intended, and then threw her head down to hide her face in her arms.
“What?”
“I think maybe I was wrong,” she said, her face still covered.
“He’s gay?” Janis asked, in a whisper, leaning down.
Lisa shot her head up and let herself slide down in the plastic chair.
“I don’t know. He spends all his time with Sol. All his time. And when he’s not doing that, he’s talking about him or making plans with him. I didn’t even realize it was happening and now I think it’s too late.”
“Well, you’re born gay, so if it’s true, it was too late a long time ago, Lisa.”
“I guess so.”
“Spending all their time together doesn’t make them gay, either. It makes them . . . I don’t know . . . two loners who found each other, maybe.”
r /> “True.”
“So, you could be reading too much into it. You need to be sure before you do anything.”
“What’s there to do? I love him. He knows that. But it just feels weird between us now.”
“Even if he was gay, would Clark lie to you?”
“Yeah. That’s the part I can’t figure out. Plus, even if he is lying, shouldn’t I be supportive? I can’t make him feel guilty about being who he really is.”
“There’s a difference in being yourself and cheating on someone. You think Clark would do that to you? And aren’t you and Solomon close? Would he do that?”
“I don’t think so,” she said. “But what if they can’t help it?”
“Then at least maybe you’ll get your scholarship.”
“I thought you disapproved?”
“I do. But, I mean . . . it’s a unique perspective. Plus, you could get a lot of sympathy if you go for the whole crazy kid stole my boyfriend angle.”
“Clark doesn’t want me to do it. He said he’d tell Sol about the essay if I write it. Just another reason I think he cares more about him than he does me.”
“No way,” she said. “He’s just doing the right thing.”
“I know. So, maybe I just need to tell him, huh? Tell Solomon the truth and hope it doesn’t reverse all the progress he’s made.”
“He’s made progress?”
“Oh, yeah. He goes into the backyard now.”
“And you think it’s because of you?”
“I think he needed a push and I gave him one,” she said confidently.
“Lisa, if he finds out you lied, could he get worse than he was before?”
“I don’t know. That’s why I’m so afraid.”
“Okay, hang on a second,” Janis said. “So you don’t think Clark will forgive you if you write the paper unless you get Solomon’s permission, which could wreck the whole thing?”
“Something like that,” Lisa said, staring down blankly at the floor. “And if I write it without his permission, Clark’s going to tell him anyway.”
“Okay then. I’ll say a prayer,” Janis added.
Lisa knew she’d need more than a prayer if she was going to keep Clark, Solomon, and the essay. In a perfect world, Solomon would be touched that she’d chosen to find and help him. And Clark would be impressed with her maturity and honesty, so much so that he’d either be honest with her in return or wake up and stop acting like he didn’t care about their relationship anymore. But, this wasn’t a perfect world—this was the world that Solomon Reed had run away from and the more Lisa thought about it, the less ridiculous that idea sounded to her. After all, wasn’t she just trying to run away from the little part of the world that scared her, too?