“I think he’s stuck. He doesn’t want to break my heart, maybe.”
“Oh,” he said, sliding off the raft and into the water. He waded over and leaned against the side of the pool by her legs.
“Do you love him?” she asked, looking down.
“That doesn’t matter.”
“Yes it does. Do you? I think maybe you do.”
“I think so, yeah,” he said. “Sorry.”
“We’ve never had sex, you know? Not once.”
“I didn’t. We don’t really talk about that kind of stuff.”
“Never? It can’t be games and TV all the time.”
“It sort of is, though. He isn’t one for serious conversation. I’m sure you know that.”
“I do. But I think he’s just scared. Maybe he’s waiting for you.”
“This is so fucking weird. What is it you want me to do, Lisa?”
She’d never seen him so frustrated and, all at once, she realized how heavy this must’ve been weighing on him. Maybe he’d loved Clark this whole time. If Janis could find her soul mate at Camp Christ Is Risen, then surely it was possible for the two of them to fall in love playing dorky strategy games and watching shows about space travel.
“Tell him how you feel,” she said. She was holding back tears that had somehow found a way to fill her eyes.
“What if you’re wrong?”
“I’m never wrong,” she said. “Tell me a good reason you two aren’t perfect together, and I’ll let you off the hook. I can learn to deal with this. I’d rather it be you than anyone else. It’ll just be weird at first. Then maybe we’ll laugh about it someday. Like, Hey, remember when Clark and Lisa were together? That was a mistake, wasn’t it?”
“No one’s going to say that.”
And then she saw that look on his face and was ready to help him count to ten and breathe slowly and get out of the pool. But this time it wasn’t a panic attack. He was crying.
“I tried so hard not to love him, Lisa. Please know that,” he said quietly.
“I do,” she said. “It’s not easy.”
“See why I am the way I am? You people are too complicated.”
“You’re outside right now and you’re in love. You’re one of us, dude.”
“Shit,” he said. “I can’t do it.”
“You can,” she said. “I know you can. And even if I’m wrong, won’t you be glad you told him? So it’s not torturing you?”
“I guess,” he said. “But what if he never talks to me again?”
“He’s not like that,” she said. “He’s Clark. He’ll be okay.”
“So if he wouldn’t tell you, what makes you think he’ll tell me?”
“He won’t have to,” she said. “You’ll both just know. It’s like that with love.”
“Well, the second I step outside, everything starts going to total shit.”
“There’s no escaping it.”
“What?”
“Life.”
“Say you’re sure,” he said. “Please.”
She thought about the question for a few seconds. She was sure of many things: that she wanted as far away from Upland as possible, that her mother would always be sad and lonely, and that Solomon would keep getting better, with or without her. These were inevitabilities. Time would prove that. But was this inevitable, too? Were Solomon and Clark meant to be together?
“Yeah,” she answered. “I’m sure.”
TWENTY-FIVE
SOLOMON REED
By all accounts, Solomon was doing better than ever. He had friends, he was going outside again, and his panic attacks were at a three-year low. Everything was looking up for him, considering how he’d spent the last few years. But now, with the thought of Clark secretly reciprocating his feelings and what that could mean for the three of them, Solomon couldn’t help wondering how quiet and safe his life would still be had the two of them never shown up.
He didn’t have much time to think about what he’d do, though, because just an hour after Lisa left, he heard someone banging on the front door. It was Clark, covered in sweat and bent over trying to catch his breath.
“Are you okay?” Solomon asked from inside the house.
“I . . . yeah . . . I just . . .” he said through his heavy breathing. “I just ran like four miles, I think.”
“From your house?”
“Yeah.”
“Impressive.”
“Is it a million degrees out or what?”
“Come in,” Solomon said, stepping out of the way. “I’ll get you some water.”
Clark followed him into the kitchen and chugged two whole glasses of water. He leaned back against the counter, his hair dripping with sweat, and looked over at Solomon like he needed to tell him something. For a split second, Solomon got a rush in his chest like maybe it was about to happen—like the world he ran away from had still managed to send someone just for him. All Clark had to do was say it.
“What did she tell you?” he asked instead.
“She said you guys had a fight.” Solomon gripped the sides of the counter where he sat and tried not to let Clark see him shake.
“Did she tell you what it was about?”
“Sort of.”
“She thinks we’re having a torrid affair or something.” Clark started to laugh, but stopped himself when he saw his friend’s face.
“I think I love you,” Solomon said, staring down at the floor.
“Oh. Don’t do that, man.”
“Why?”
“You know why.”
“Oh my God,” Solomon said. “She was wrong.”
“Sorry,” Clark said.
“For what?”
“That . . . this is the way it is, I don’t know. Sorry I can’t be different.”
“This is the weirdest day of my life.”
“Mine too,” Clark said. “Why doesn’t she believe me?”
“I don’t know.”
“We’ve ruined your life, haven’t we? We just showed up and brought all this bullshit with us.”
“You haven’t ruined anything.”
“It’ll be fine, right? Things will go back to normal and we’ll laugh this all off.”
“We will?”
“Of course we will,” Clark said. “Unless I wake up gay one day and then everybody wins.”
Clark cringed, obviously afraid it hadn’t landed right. But Solomon knew he was just being Clark—the guy who could always find a way to make you feel better than you should be feeling.
“Shut up,” Solomon said. “I can’t believe she did this.”
“What do I do, man?”
“Do you still love her?”
“I think so.”
“You think so?”
“I’ve never fallen out of love before, so I think I still do, but maybe I just don’t know the difference.”
“You’d know,” Solomon said. “You just have to look at your life before her and then after her and see which one you like better.”
“I don’t think it’s that easy.”
“Shouldn’t it be, though?”
Solomon hopped down from the counter and waved for Clark to follow him. They walked out into the backyard and each took a seat by the pool. For a few minutes, neither of them said anything. It seemed like a perfectly normal thing to do by a pool, to sit there soaking up the sun in silence, but it was about to make Solomon lose his mind.
“Why does she hate it here so much?” he asked.
“She’s not like us, man.”
“What do you mean?”
“Her family. There’s always some drama. Her mom . . . she just . . . she’s not great. She’s nice enough, but everything’s got to be about her. You live long enough with somebody like that and getting as
far away as possible becomes your best option. I think that’s what happened with Lisa’s dad, but she never talks about it.”
“And you like it here.”
“I do. It’s home, you know? I’ve got my family. I’ve got you now. I don’t need to leave.”
“Me neither.”
“Dude, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way or anything, but I’d switch places with you in a second.”
Solomon believed him, too. It was the thing they had most in common—all they wanted was a quiet place to be invisible and pretend the world away. And that’s exactly what they had before things got weird. Now, no matter what they told themselves or each other, it would always be different. After all, no first love goes away overnight, especially one that’s always right in front of you, but just out of your reach.
TWENTY-SIX
LISA PRAYTOR
“Are you okay?” Lisa’s mother shouted, standing in the driveway, where Lisa had been sitting for ten minutes with her car engine running.
“What?” Lisa yelled, opening the door.
“Oh good. I thought you were dead.”
“What’re you doing home?”
“We need to talk.”
Lisa followed her mother inside and after a few minutes of watching her bang around in the kitchen as she made tea, Lisa couldn’t take anymore.
“Mom, it’s been a really long, weird day, so if you could just . . .”
“Ron got a job,” she interrupted.
“Okay.”
“In Arizona.”
“Oh.”
“And, after talking about it a lot. A whole lot, well, we just think it’s best to go our separate ways.”
“You’re getting a divorce?”
“Eventually, yes.”
She was surprised her mom wasn’t crying. She almost seemed relieved about it, so Lisa wasn’t sure if she should console or congratulate her.
“You seem okay.”
“I am. It just wasn’t meant to be, I guess.”
“Sorry,” Lisa said. “Are we moving again?”
“No, honey. I’m keeping the house.”
“Thank God.”
“Are you going to tell me what’s wrong? Why you were catatonic out there in the car?”
“I think it’s over with Clark.”
And then her mom cried. Not much, but she was definitely holding back tears as she listened to the whole story. Lisa told her everything, too—every little detail, from the essay to the conversation she’d just had with Solomon. And she told her about Clark and the secret she was so convinced he was keeping, too.
“I don’t see it,” her mom said. “But what do I know? Everybody’s gay these days.”
“I guess I thought we’d always be together.”
“That’s what everyone thinks when they’re seventeen. Believe me.”
“Weren’t you with my dad at seventeen?”
“Yep. And you see how that turned out. I thought I’d be Mrs. Jacob Praytor forever. He wasn’t gay, he was just an asshole. Funnier than anyone I’ve ever met. But a total asshole.”
“Clark’s the nicest person I know,” Lisa said.
“Me too. But if this is the way it is, then what can you do? At least it isn’t your fault things didn’t work out.”
“At least.”
“Is Clark going to tell him? About the essay?”
“I don’t think so,” she said. “But who knows? I never got the chance to ask him not to.”
“You really want into that school, don’t you?”
“It’s the second-best psych program in the country,” Lisa said.
“Your experience with mental illness. You could just write anything. Seems like a dumb topic to me.”
“They’re looking for the right story,” she defended. “Something ambitious and courageous.”
“Lying isn’t courageous.”
“You should know.”
“Watch it,” her mom snapped. “Don’t start a fight just because it’s the easiest thing to do.”
“Sorry.”
“So, can you fix it?”
“Probably not.”
“Lisa,” her mom said, looking her right in the eyes. “I’ve never heard you say you couldn’t do something. Not in your entire life.”
• • •
Even when Lisa was super busy, she and Clark always kept in touch with a quick phone call or a text. Just to check in. They’d even talked while she was at camp, long enough to say hello and discuss Solomon’s progress. But now, a day after he kicked her out of his house, Lisa hadn’t heard a word out of Clark.
She hadn’t heard from Solomon, either, which made her worry even more. Were the two of them together now? Maybe Solomon had taken her advice, professed his love, and they were already living happily ever after without her. But, didn’t she deserve to know? She was the only reason they even knew each other. And you’d think Clark, of all people, would have the decency to break up with his girlfriend before getting his first boyfriend. What the hell was going on?
When she called Clark’s house, Drew answered and said he’d spent the night at Solomon’s. Now Lisa was almost certain the truth had finally come out. To her knowledge, he’d never stayed the night at Solomon’s, not even once. So, why was he suddenly doing it now?
Later that evening, at just about dark, Lisa grabbed her keys and walked out to her car. She didn’t know what she’d say or do, but she had to see them. And if it hadn’t been such a weird week, and she hadn’t spent the afternoon watching Ron pack up his things while her mom cried in the kitchen, Lisa might not have had it in her to drive to Solomon’s and climb over the back fence.
But she did. And now she was standing in the backyard, the only light coming from the swimming pool in front of her. And before she could turn around to face the house, she heard the glass door sliding open.
“Lisa?” Solomon asked. He was standing in the doorway in swim trunks.
“Hey,” she said. “You alone?”
Right when she asked it, Clark stepped out behind him holding two cans of soda.
“Lisa,” he said, frozen in place. “Hi.”
“I guess nobody’s taking calls today,” she said.
“Sorry,” Clark said. “My phone died last night and I didn’t bring my charger.”
“You stayed the night?” she asked. They were all still standing there, Clark and Solomon by the door and Lisa about ten feet in front of them just barely visible in the pool light.
“Stayed too late and didn’t want to walk home.”
“Do you want to come sit down?” Solomon asked, shooting Clark a look asking for approval.
“Yeah, come on,” Clark said. “It’s freezing.”
They walked over to the pool and Clark draped a towel over his bare shoulders. Then he threw one to Lisa and one to Solomon, who each did the same. He took the seat right between them and they both stared at him, expecting him to speak first.
“You were wrong,” he said to Lisa in an almost amused, but still quiet tone.
“I was?”
“Not gay,” Solomon added, shaking his head.
“Shit,” she said. But it was low and weak, not angry. She sat there for a few seconds not looking up at them. She wasn’t one to blush, but she was sure her cheeks were on fire and she hoped the darkness would cover it up so she wouldn’t be mortified even more.
“At least you didn’t let it get out of hand,” Clark said sarcastically.
“So I guess you told him then?” Lisa said to Clark.
“What? No.” He shook his head and widened his eyes so she would drop it. But, it was too late.
“Told me what?” Solomon asked.
She wanted so badly to lie, to have just a little more time before being unmasked as a comple
te monster. But it was over now. It had to be over.
“About the essay,” she said, closing her eyes tightly.
“What essay?”
“Shit,” Clark said.
“Solomon . . . it seemed like such a good idea, and I didn’t know it would be like this. I didn’t know you would be like this. That you’d be you. And now . . .”
“Lisa, what the hell are you talking about?”
“It’s an admissions essay,” Clark said. “To Woodlawn.”
“So what?” he said. “I mean . . . what about it?”
“They give one full paid scholarship a year to the candidate with the best essay,” Lisa said.
“I’m really confused. . . .”
“It’s supposed to be about her personal experience with mental illness,” Clark blurted out.
“It’s a psychology program?” Solomon asked.
“Yeah.”
“I thought you wanted to be a doctor.”
“I never . . .”
“You never said what kind,” Solomon interrupted. “So I guess I’m . . .”
“You’re her personal experience with mental illness,” Clark said.
“You knew?” Solomon asked. Clark just nodded his head with this expression of total defeat on his face.
“You guys need to leave,” Solomon said quietly. His voice was deep and sad and nearly unrecognizable.
“Sol, I . . .” Clark began.
“Leave,” he said, standing up. He started to pace along the edge of the pool and he let the towel fall from his shoulders and into the water.
“I’ll get that,” Lisa said.
“Leave it alone!” Solomon shouted. “Get out! Go home! Both of you! Go home!”
Tears were smeared across his face and even in the faint pool light, you could see the panic in his eyes. Lisa stepped toward him, but he jerked back, almost falling into the pool. She begged him to sit down and take deep breaths, and so did Clark, but he was too far gone. The more they tried to help, the more he paced and twitched and yelled for them to leave. It didn’t take long for his parents to come outside, and when his dad put an arm around him he shoved him to the ground. Then, just as he went in to try again, Solomon took his right hand, raised it into the air, and then slapped it hard across the side of his own face. And then he did it again, so hard that his mom whimpered a little and ran over to hold his arms back.