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Ghouls Gone Wild
Column #174 11-05-09
Hello, Tell-All-McGraw here reporting on events, which transpired at a popular local dancing establishment over this past All Hallows’ Eve. Ghouls and Goblins were clearly running rampant until the wee hours of the dawn as the spellbinding excitement escalated.
Witnesses reported seeing two versions of Bat Woman (one a blonde), a soldier, a vampire, a pirate, a rodeo clown and various other horrifying creatures out to amuse themselves while trying to scare others on such a frightful night. Of course, many others came as them self, which some thought was horribly frightening also.
Rumor has it, however, that Ms. G and Company were having their share of fun, and quite possibly, a fair share of several other creatures of the night. Close sources tell me that Ms. G would like to issue a public apology stating, “If I stepped on anyone, tripped over anyone, or by any other means caused undue bodily harm, I am truly sorry. I’m just not used to wearing high heels.” Well, that’s one explanation.
Yet surrounded by an entourage of some of her closest friends: Mr. X, sporting Harley-Davidson attire and coming to share in the entrancing festivities; Mr. Z, who was dashing as Johnny Cash; and her best girlfriend Ms. R who was adorably adorned in sequences. Obviously, the other creatures of the night were in great company.
As the party atmosphere howled with intensity, Ms. R was overheard asking Mr. Z, “What is she doing now?!” Reports state the Great Pumpkin rolled over in the pumpkin patch when ghoulish onlookers were shocked as Ms. G was spotted ‘dancing’ at the railing. In her defense, Ms. G states she was “goofing off” with her best friend of 20 years, Mr. X.
Reaallllly G? I will leave it up to you as to whether or not you believe her. This is Tell-All-McGraw reporting and saying…“Keep it real!”
And Then….
Column #173 10-29-09
…as the door knob turned, a spider scurried into the void of darkness when it creaked. Barely visible from inside the room the door had remained closed for almost two decades…standing silent…waiting. The damp, musty air inside the room was engulfed in near total darkness. Only the shimmer of a dimly lit moon beam cast it’s presence across the dust covered planks of the long forgotten floor.
And then…
…with great effort, the rusted hinges shrieked in protest as they broke free from their time-enslaved bonds. The sound was eerie, like that of a forgotten coffin lid being opened in an abandoned tomb. As the door began to slink open further the unnatural creaking sound was accompanied by the scuffling of miniature furry feet scampering into hiding across the wooden planks. The soft glow of candlelight followed the frame of the door opening across the room.
And then…
…the fingers of a frosty white hand crept around the edge of the door…slowly…ever so slowly…terrified of what might be on the other side. Aged, wrinkled and worn-out boney remnants of youthful days gone by, the ancient fingers had dirt wedged under the broken and brittle nails. And they trembled.
And then…
…the door inched its way deeper into the forbidden room. Candlelight flickered dimly pushing back against the blackness. A long, gangly shadow spread quickly across the floor. Somewhere outside, in the night, an owl screeched. Startled, the intruder retreated a step. He gasped as his heart raced. In the overwhelming silence following the screech the only sound he heard was that of his own blood pulsating through his veins.
And then…
…finally his breathing slowed; his racing pulse returned to a somewhat normal pace. Frightened by what might happen next, he was more fearful of what would happen if he didn’t enter that room before midnight. Taking out his pocket watch, the one his father had given him as a boy, and still keeping perfect time after all these years; he glanced at its weary face. 11:58. He had to get inside now
And then…
…gathering all the courage he felt he possessed at that moment, praying it was enough, he gave the door one final shove. Hinges screamed in agony, but released their urge to keep the door closed for yet another decade. Stale, rank air assaulted his nostrils. He could see the window across the room. Its blank stare taunted him…called to him. “Come and see, come and see.” Yet the window was why he was here, wasn’t it?
And then…
…as he stood motionless in the doorway a bat flew swiftly past him toward the beckoning window. Smashing against the glass, it fell to the floor dead. Dropping the candle he turned to run. But wait…he couldn’t go back there. They were back there. “No” he muttered under his breath. He had to stay. He had to be in that room at midnight. He had to look out that window!!
And then…
…he glanced at his watch again. He couldn’t help but think of his father. Would he think him a coward? Too afraid to accomplish what had to be done. Shame momentarily overtook him. He banished the thought, there was no time! Only thirty seconds till midnight. His throat tightened. Hair bristled on the back of his neck. Even in the chill of the night a bead of sweat trickled down the side of his left temple.
And then…
…striding quickly across the filthy floor to the window he peered outside. They were there. Shadowy figures scattered about the lawn. They were waiting for him. He knew he would never get the window open in time. So drawing in a deep breath…he opened his mouth and screamed…
HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!
The Nightmare Before Halloween
Column #225 10-28-10
AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Yikes, did I type that out loud? Sorry, I was practicing for the spook-tacular festivities happening this weekend. Yes, little ghosts and ghouls will be scurrying about trying to out-frighten each other with their blood-curdling screams and hair-raising howls. And that’s just in the costume aisle at Wally World.
Anyway, still unsure of what I want to be when I grow up…er…for Halloween, I decided to gaze deeply into my crystal ball (a.k.a. world wide spider-web) where, like black magic hundreds of ghoulish websites were instantly at my blood red fingertips.
EWWWWW!! AHHHHHH!!
Still practicing, I clicked on the first goblin to pop up and was frightfully impressed with the wickedly masquerading attire. Scanning quickly the word sexy practically leaped to its death at me. “Why not?” I thought and clicked just to see what they considered sexy. Instantly displayed were witches, fairies, insects and birds. SCREEEEECCH!!
Insects and Birds! What the dickens is sexy about a Bumble Bee?
My curiosity tried to kill the cat as I desperately needed to know what tidbit of insect knowledge I hadn’t retained from fourth grade science class. Not surprisingly, my original question still stands. What the dickens is sexy about a flying insect?
Screaming for ideas I was bored by the monstrous array of plastic clothing and feathered boas. Who would ever wear a plastic dress, even if it looks like a Twister game? Oh, that was you…sorry. Actually, my childhood flashback of wearing a plastic mask includes the fear of tripping over my costume. (Remind me…why do I want to dress up?)
Anyway, still seeking the perfect potion, I bit the jugular and sought out the “Gangsters” hideout. Just to see what a sexy gangster looked like. Hmmm…saw one of the outfits at the mall already…and…um…I actually own the other one. Interesting…
Suddenly, ideas were seeping through the cracks in my gray matter at horrifying speeds. So I tried “Super Heroes” and didn’t realize I Dream of Jeannie and Morticia Adams are considered super heroes. Why not Little Orphan Annie or Nanny McPhee? (Nanny McPhee would be my hero if I had a kettle of goblins.)
Durn diddlies, my search for the best-est Halloween costume was becoming a nightmare. I needed a magic spell quick. Putting the dagger in the Gothic Mummy, because she reminded me of the Bride of Frankenstein with PMS, obviously things weren’t going spook-tacularly well. Then I decided to creep over to the “Funny” pages, because I needed a good laugh.
Great pumpkins, guess I have to see
what’s crawling around in the bowels of my closet because posted sizes: S thru XL only offer one dimension…width. I’m tall. Costumes need to come in sizes we can all understand like: Skyscraper, Taller-Than-Most, Eye-to-Eye Average, Shorter-Than-Most, or Can’t Ride any Amusement Park Ride…EVER!
Dickens, guess I’ll just get a wig and start from scratch. Surely, I can still find a Lady Godiva wig at this bewitching hour. Then all I have to do is teach a naked horse to dance. Wait! If memory serves…Lady Godiva was the one that was…well…never mind.
Gee, creepy as it sounds, I have no other-worldly idea what to wear. Guess it’ll be a surprise. Have a shockingly safe and Happy Halloween!
YEOOOOOWWWLLLLLLL!! (Still practicing.)
Can you imagine…just being yourself?
You’ll See…
Column #264 10-27-11
“Hurry up Nadya, we’re going to be late,” her mother warned.
“Late for what?” Nadya stammered as the brisk night air nipped at her words.
“You’ll see,” her mother mumbled under her breath. As they hurried along the night wind whispered through the trees taunting the young girl. You’ll see…you’ll see… it sang. Shaking off the uneasiness she grabbed the pocket of her mother’s coat trying to keep up.
After what seemed like miles, her body aching from the frosty air, a soft glow appeared in the distance. As they approached the yellow-orange light grew brighter, piercing the darkness that enveloped it. Realizing it was a campfire Nadya asked, “Why have we come, mother? Whose fire is that?”
“You’ll see.”
Suddenly, an owl shrieked in the distance as cold chills spread over Nadya’s body. The light was closer now as she made out a small figure sitting next to it. Why had her mother brought her here, it was nearly midnight. Her anxiety grew with the increasing glow of the campfire. Nadya wanted more than anything to go home, yet she heard herself whisper, “Wh…who… is that?” Her voice small and barely audible.
“You’ll see” her mother muttered dismissing her and calling out to the small figure.“Puri daj, puri daj! We have come!” Her mother continued in the old tongue of which Nadya understood very little. As the figure rose and began speaking Nadya realized it was a woman; a very old, frail woman whose stance was bent and twisted. The two women embraced while speaking rapidly to each other. Nadya stood in silence as an owl screeched…you’ll see somewhere behind her. Startled she jumped just as her mother called to her.
“Nayda, this is puri daj; your grandmother” her mother said.
Grandmother? She’s a gypsy! Nadya mused to herself. The woman’s wrinkled face was etched with a lifetime of memories. Her skin wore the texture of leather. Wispy strands of white hair caught in the evening breeze danced about her face like a smoky halo. Nadya stared, unable to avoid her eyes as the old woman held her gaze. Breaking the spell her mother spoke telling Nadya to go with her grandmother into the small shack. Pleading with her eyes she glanced quickly at her mother.
You’ll see, her mother’s eyes said.
Following the old woman she walked up the rickety stairs which moaned under each step. The dilapidated shack looked as old as her grandmother who pushed open a small wooden door exposing one room with a bed, a table and two chairs. Motioning her to a chair the child obeyed and sat down. The frail woman picked up a candle and a box and sat down across from her. She even smells old, Nadya thought; cringing slightly as the old woman looked up just then from lighting the candle.
Suddenly, her grandmother’s gnarled hand reached across the makeshift table and grasped her small one tightly. Fighting panic Nadya’s mind raced. Where was her mother? Why had she brought her? What was this old woman going to do to her?
Her pulse pounded in her temples. Run, her mind screamed. RUN NOW! As if reading her mind the old woman croaked “you’ll see” in a voice so old and dry Nadya thought it must be what dust sounds like.
Releasing her hand the old gypsy picked up the box and began speaking in the language of the great ancestors. Then revealing the contents of the box Nadya stared wide eyed when she realized it contained chicken bones. Chanting the old woman cupped the bones in her hands. Nadya’s glance shifted from the scene in front of her to the door…her only means of escape.
As the old woman became more enthralled in chanting her voice rose in shrills and shrieks unnerving the frightened young girl even more. Unexpectedly the woman threw the bones, scattering them across the table. Almost jumping from her chair at the sudden clattering of dried bones on wood Nadya barely stifled a scream.
The chanting stopped as the old woman held her twisted, unsteady hands over the bones. Nadya couldn’t tell but she was certain the bones were actually moving across the table top. Impossible, she thought. Yet there was no denying the faint scratching sounds underneath the old woman’s hands.
“W…wh…what’s happening?” Nadya gasped.
“You’ll see” her grandmother spoke in the old language. But she couldn’t wait. Her skin was crawling with anticipation. She had to see now! Jumping up and knocking the chair over behind her she reached across the table and grabbed the gypsy’s boney wrists and flung them aside. Bones lay seemingly helter-skelter as Nadya searched for a meaning to all of this. Then blinking her eyes she stammered, “It can’t be. It’s… it’s impossible.”
Yet, it was there…as real as the lifetime of wrinkles on the old woman’s face. She did see the reason her mother had brought her here on All Hallow’s Eve...it was a message. A boney message which read…
HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!
The Littlest Goblin
Column #303 10-25-12
Trying desperately to see out of his goblin mask, because he could no long hear the voices of his friends, the littlest goblin was falling further and further behind. Stopping to look around, he heard a dog howling in the distance…and it was dark…very, very dark.
Head bent against the chill, he kept walking hoping he’d find his way home soon. It was getting colder. Suddenly he glanced up as a sinister looking house seemingly materialized in front of him. Pushing up his mask to get a better look, the house loomed dark, quiet and unsettling as eerie shadows danced across the porch.
Swallowing the lump growing in his throat he mumbled in the night air “Maybe they could tell me how to get home.” As he wandered through the heavy gate, creaking in protest as he pushed it open, he treaded nervously up the weeded path noticing a swing hanging from a gnarled tree limb aimlessly moving back and forth. But there’s no wind, he thought.
Dismissing the notion he slowed his pace because the house seemed to be growing darker with each step. Deciding instead to search for his friends again he turned around abruptly but the street was gone and the gate could no longer be seen. Oddly, the yard appeared endless and overgrown with bushes and weeds as an owl screeched in the darkness. Blinking, he hoped his eyes were playing tricks on him.
Composing himself he heard the front door open slowly behind him. Not daring to turn around his mind was screaming run. Run. RUN! Instead, he stood frozen with fear, a small gasp escaping his lips as the voice of an old woman spoke behind him.
“Child, are you just going to stand there with your knees knocking together?”
His young mind, rationalizing what he’d just heard, decided that if she had intended to eat him she would have said “Bring me firewood and help me with my oven!” just like in the story books his mother read to him. So, gulping back the fear which had crawled inside his costume he slowly turned to see a dark, hunched figure standing on the porch.
She beckoned to him with a pale, unsteady hand. “Come; let me get a better look at you.” Scared, he willed his legs to move. He wanted to find his friends. He wanted to go home. He wanted to be anywhere but standing in front of this scary old lady and her creepy old house.
“Come inside, you’ll catch your death out here.”
“Did she just say the ‘D’ word?!” his mind squealed as he desperately tried to make sense of what wa
s happening. Spinning back around to dart down the path he ran head first into the tallest man he’d ever seen. Peering form behind his mask he stuttered a meek, “E-e-excuse me.”
“Bring him in with you Lloyd” the old woman called as she turned to go back inside. Grabbing the shoulder of his costume Lloyd ushered the goblin up the steps and through the front door, which slammed shut behind them with a loud thud. Stifling a cry as he was deposited in a chair the littlest goblin glanced around the room looking for a way out when the old woman shuffled in carrying a tray. Setting it down on a table she handed him a steaming cup and instructed him to drink. Pleading with his eyes, he fought back tears as he gazed in horror at his trembling hand doing exactly what his mind didn’t want it to do…reach for the cup almost spilling the hot liquid.
“It’s hot chocolate,” she cackled. “Did you think I would offer you poison on All Hallows Eve? Now drink, and tell me why you are here.”
Sipping the hot chocolate he began, “I’m s-so small, I c-c-couldn’t keep up with m-my friends and got lost” he stammered while biting his lip to squelch the tears.
“I see” she nodded.
“Then I s-saw this house and th-thought someone could t-tell me how to get home” he finished, hoping she could tell him.
But instead, she said something he didn’t understand at first. “Our feet may walk away, but our hearts carry home with us everywhere we go. So you see, you are never lost; you are always home, child” she said in a frail voice and he thought she was falling asleep as her eyes drifted closed. In the silence that followed a feeling of joy filled him as he realized she was right. The sights, the sounds, the smells, the memories…home was always with him!
“Is your name Teddy?” she asked quietly.
“Yes, but how…” the little goblin uttered in surprise.
“Because someone is calling your name” she replied as she opened her eyes. Searching the room he saw the tall man motion with his hand toward a door on the other side of the room. Standing uneasily he walked slowly in his direction and passing through the doorway he stood in front of a large green door. Wondering if it was the back of the house he suddenly heard his name “Teddy! Teddy!” and ran out and down the steps finding himself suddenly in his own back yard.
“Teddy, wake up. Wake up!” his mother was saying.
“What happened?” Teddy said rubbing his temple.
“You must have tripped over this silly costume and hit your head. Luckily, Mrs. Tillman found you and had her butler, Lloyd, carry you home” his mother replied. As he focused his eyes and glanced around the room she said, “They’ve gone home.”
“But we’re always home!” Teddy exclaimed excitedly as he jumped off the couch and ran to the front door. Glimpsing two figures, one very tall, and one not very tall at all, walking unhurriedly down the sidewalk he called out to them. Slowly the woman turned around as Teddy shouted, “HAPPY HALLOWEEN!”
And it was very happy indeed.