****
T. G. I. F.
Column #177 11-26-09
It’s that time of year when most of us reflect on things we are thankful for such as: family, friends, our health, food in our bellies, warm hugs, hot spiced apple cider, mint flavored dental floss, HD TV, the ‘big gulp’, Kodak moments, fuzzy slippers, electric blankets, Johnny Depp (oops that’s me), or a multitude of other people and things we hold near and dear in our hearts. But this time I’m wondering what’s on the menu for the holidays because I’m not cooking dinner.
Yes, after years of preparing a large feast for family and friends I’ve decided to take a year off. Wowzer! No planning desserts, or finding the perfect, plump turkey, (except for those who prefer ham, which means also cooking a ham), no juggling schedules to determine how to maximize body count thus ensuring a perfect guest-to-food ratio.
Then there’s the guest-to-wine ratio, usually resolved by issuing a BYOB policy. However, the guest-to-seating ratio worked out once I picked up several folding chairs at a yard sale. Yet, when I’ve had to plan the guest-to-time scenario it was always mind boggling. Trying to coordinate the schedules of 20 people is like trying to perform brain surgery on a fruit fly. Even when I tried putting my foot down with a “dinner is at two” ultimatum, it had as much impact as if I had put my foot in a bowl of Figgy Pudding!
Taking all these things into consideration I’ve decided to relieve my stress level and go ‘sans holiday menu planning’ by virtue of letting someone else do the cooking. So far it’s working. After all I’m a firm believer in T.G.I.F…“Thank Goodness It’s Fun!”
Dickens, I laugh my way through life about 75% of the time. (The other 25% I’m asleep.) And if I’m not laughing, smiling or having fun, I’m trying to make other people laugh (or at least smile). I’m just thankful to be part of this big, beautiful, amazing phenomenon we call life. Some folks try to complicate it with too many ‘shoulds’ or ‘should nots’. Why?
If you’re alive, be thankful and happy. If you have family and friends, be thankful and happy. If you’re breathing, be thankful and happy. If you have a place to sleep and food in your belly, how could you not be happy?! Life is amazing! Life is grand! Life is fun!
So, when you gather with family and friends this holiday season bring your fun and use it liberally. Set the table in smiles. Layer the cake with laughter. Dress the main course in joy. Greet the guest with happiness. And most of all ENJOY!
I believe if you start the habit of bringing your ‘fun’ with you everywhere, you will always be thankful and happy for everything. My wish for you is a wonderful, happy and safe holiday.
Can you imagine…no stress, only fun this holiday?
How Weird is Turkey Day?
Column #72 11-21-07
How weird do you get on Thanksgiving Day? No, I’m not referring to the time you dressed up in your feathered Turkey suit with the big pilgrim hat, then pulled your little brother, dressed like a Wampanoag Indian, in his little red wagon pretending to have your own Macy’s Day parade while all your neighbors waved and gawked at the spectacle of the two of you acting ‘weird’ again on turkey day. Not what I’m talking about at all.
I was thinking ‘weird’ in terms of having sauerkraut with drumsticks, or apple pie with cream cheese. At any rate, while doing research on weird Thanksgiving traditions, I really couldn’t find anything…well…too weird. Everyone seems to have a fairly normal feast. Who knew?
Although, a weirdism I did come across which I thought sounded fun is: the “hosting home” folks dress up like pilgrims and “visiting friends and relations” dress up like Indians. Consider the possibilities because things could get really weird depending on one’s own sense of style and flair.
As we all know, normally on turkey day, folks gather around a table full of wonderful food, give thanks that Aunt Aggie didn’t make her Cranberry Almond Seafood Casserole this year, then gorge themselves until they can’t eat another bite. After which, the men in the group drag, roll, push or pull each other to the gaming area; usually the family room, to toggle between napping and watching a football game, while the women are left behind to clean up the kitchen.
May I suggest breaking from tradition? Not to be weird or anything but the men could wash the dishes and clean up while the women take the children, 12 and younger (any males older than twelve need to learn how to wash dishes), to the living room to watch the parade on the big screen TV. After all, weren’t the women cooking and baking for three days. Not to mention, the house is (was) sparkling clean in anticipation of holiday guests. Therefore, go and relax ladies, you deserve it.
Meanwhile, the play-by-play in the kitchen sounds like this: After an initial huddle to determine the exact location of small plastic containers, tin foil and dish washing soap, the men divide into two teams…offense and defense. Team Pilgrim (offense) is responsible for transporting, by whatever means necessary, items of interest from the dining room table to the kitchen area. Team Turkey’s (defense) main objective will be to intercept any attempt by the opposing team to deposit provision containing receptacles into the automatic washing unit before leftover chow is properly recovered. Now that we know the game plan, let’s see some action.
Pilgrim’s Quarterback, Uncle Festus, decides to conceal smaller foodstuff first. Choosing rolls and cornbread, he tosses several to each team mate in an effort to distract the defense. However, Team Turkey anticipates this overused play and tackles each Pilgrim in the end zone. Several rolls were fumbled, yet recovered by the Turkeys and wrapped in foil. Next Uncle Festus attempts a scramble, grabbing the squash casserole and running behind the twins, Cousin Ed and Cousin Fred, hoping to toss the squash to Joey Jr. for a touchdown. However, a false start is called when referee Grandpa said Joey Jr. was trying to sneak into the kitchen before the casserole was in play.
Meanwhile, Little Zack wanders down the hallway and finds an abandoned roll out-of-bounds. He picks it up, takes a bite and goes back to watch the parade. Uncle Festus calls a time out and huddles with the Pilgrims to discuss turkey tactics. Deciding on a play to move the leftover turkey into the red zone, Uncle Festus grabs the turkey; Ed and Fred run forward and drop to their knees. Uncle Festus attempts a Quarterback Sneak jumping over the twins to reach the red zone. Uncle Hector on defense, expecting no less from his brother Festus, lined up all the Turkeys and everyone tackled Uncle Festus just over the line of scrimmage. The remaining turkey is fumbled and rolls under the kitchen’s center island.
Illegal use of hands is called by Aunt Aggie, who heard the commotion, and walked in finding both teams piled up on the floor trying to recover an elusive drumstick. After the turkey fumble, clean-up was called on a technically with both teams sighting a permanent time out unless Astroturf is installed in the kitchen.
Can you imagine…a turkey fumble?
Food-Ball
Column #229 11-26-10
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“Welcome back to our second annual Turkey Bowl, held in beautiful Informal-dining, USA. I’m Buzz Wordy and I’ll be announcing the play-by-play. If you’re just joining us, it’s halftime with the score tied at 13 – 13. And what an exciting first half…the Turkeys came out strong when Uncle Fester scored a touchdown on the openi
ng play. That’s when Aunt Fanny threw a drumstick at Uncle Fester and demanded a recount.”
“Then Cousin Ed took her aside and explained the game of food-ball (again). More action in the first half was seen when the youngest twins began fighting over the mashed potatoes and fumbled a huge wad of spuds on Aunt Hattie’s new floral apron. Calling “holding” on the play ref Sissy gave Aunt Hattie a wet wipe and told her she should be thankful there ‘weren’t gravy on ‘em taters.’”
“Hold on a minute…looks like the Turkeys and Pilgrims are lining up for the start of the third quarter. All the first half vittles have been taken out of play and the Pilgrims are bringing out the desserts. Annnnnd…the Turkeys have their eyes on the pies. Hot diggity…from here it appears we got pumpkin, pee-can, sweet potato and a whole platter of moon pies!”
“Shhh…the Turkeys and Pilgrims are huddled around the infield…it’s all quite as both teams plan their strategies. OH MAN! The Turkeys just grabbed a moon pie… Wait! Cousin Sadie darts to the left of the Pilgrim’s quarterback, Aunt Fanny, and intercepts the pie. She’s taking it all the way to the end zone. HOLD ON A MINUTE! Turkey quarterback, Uncle Fester, throws his weight around and blocks the play. Aunt Fanny threw a dish towel and hollered penalty.”
“It looks like little Billy stuck his elbow in the Figgy pudding. Grandma calls a time out as Billy is escorted away from the infield to change into a clean uniform and take a time out. Meanwhile, the youngest Pilgrim has just spit her pacifier into the chocolate swirl cheesecake. Cousin Fred’s throwing a fit because it’s his favorite, so Cousin Adeline sent him to naughty corner with little Billy. And from the sidelines it looks like baby Joey stuck sweet potato pie up his nose. Folks, this is turning out to be a great game.”
“Okay, the teams are lining up again. It’s second down and six and the Pilgrims have the pies again. Cousin Suzy sneaks a pee-can pie past the Turkey’s defense. It looks like she’s going to take it all the way…
GO, SUZY, GO!”
CRASH &#*% SMASH #&%* BREAK!!!!
“Holy cornbread and anchovy stuffin’!! Suzy just knocked over Granny’s favorite figurine of Red Skeleton’s radio character ‘Willy Lump-Lump.’ Friends, a hush has fallen over the playing field. Everyone is looking over at Great-Granny Spudinski. Hang on folks; it appears Great-Granny Spudinski woke up from her nap. Yep, she pulled off her Nasal-snoutacus and is trying to get out of her rocking chair. Uh-oh, she’s coming this way. Oh no, she just put her teeth in…we’re gonna git a blessing now!”
“Happy Thanksgiving ya’ll! Now, where’s my peeeee-can pie?”
Being Thankful
Column #268 11-24-11
“Tell-All-McGraw here and I’m standing on the “G family” front porch with my camera man, Tommy, about to surprise everyone on this beautiful Thanksgiving morning. Apparently, the network decided an impromptu interview with this fine family would be a fitting segment on this evening’s news at six. Here we go.” KNOCK. KNOCK. KNOCK. “Okay, now remember folks they don’t know we’re coming.”
“G‘mon in! FANNY! Set two more plates we got us sum a dem neighbors from up the street.”
“Wait, we’re not neighbors. I’m here to interview your family about what you’re thankful for this Thanksgiving.”
“Oh! Well, come on in then. Fanny, forget dem plates they ain’t here for vittles!”
“Yes, well… whom do you suggest I speak to first?”
“Festus at your service; I’m the one everyone looks up to around here.”
“FESTUS! Git your creaky bones back in here and finish peeling dem taters, they ain’t gonna peel demselves!”
“Scooz me fellers, I…uh…gotta go.”
“We’ll catch up with Festus later Tommy. Let’s see who’s in the living room. Hello, I’m Tell-All-McGraw and I’m here to interview your family about what everyone is thankful for this Thanksgiving.”
“I’d be thankful if someone’d git me up so’s I kin PEE!”
“You must be Grams.”
“Dang right sonny; what’s it to ya?”
“Tell me Grams, what are you thankful for?”
“I’m thankful if I can find my TEETH!”
“Uh…that’s a good thing to be thankful for; anything else?”
“Well, I suppose I’m thankful if I don’t break wind in church.”
“O…kay… Thank you Grandma. We need to talk to everyone so we’d better move along.”
“Hey, git me outta this here ‘cliner so’s I kin pee? Dang overstuffing, feels like I done been sucked in.”
“Sure, up you go. Better?”
“Too late. Done watered my pull-ups.”
“Umm…nice meeting you Grams. Where did you say everyone was?”
“I didn’t say! Are you sure you got enough cards to play with sonny? Never mind. They’re all in the kitchen fussing over the fixins. Durn turkeys are supposed to be overstuffed, not furniture!”
“Come on Tommy, if this family is as lively as Grams I have a feeling the network is going to love this piece.”
“Well, butter my buns and call me crispy! Who do we have here?”
“Hello everyone, I’m Tell-All-McGraw and the network sent me to interview your family about what you’re thankful for this Thanksgiving.”
“Well, turn around and let me get a good look at you.”
“I really don’t think that’s necessary ma’am.”
“Nonsense, turn around. Hmm…Fanny bring this man a heapin’ bowl of Figgy puddin’ darlin’, he’s about to blow away.”
“If we could just get on with the interviews.”
“Well, I’d be thankful if I could get a good night’s sleep; what with Spud snoring like a freight train all night long.”
“What do you mean freight train? I sleep fine.”
“That’s because you’ve done made yourself deaf!”
“Huh?”
“Don’t pretend you didn’t hear me!”
“Tommy… this way. Fanny? Could you tell me what you’re thankful for?”
“Why yes, of course. My name is Fanny, married to Festus, and I’m thankful that we can all be together for Thanksgiving. Except for Billy-Bob, he’s laid up in the hospital ‘cause he fell off the roof last week trying to plug in a huge blow-up Mrs. Claus. Shame too, because he made the best pickled-deviled eggs. So pretty too… all pink and yellow. Always reminded me of Easter when we’d…”
“And thank you Fanny, but I only have two hours.”
“Oh, sure, but come back on Easter. I’m sure Billy-Bob will be fine by then…”
“Excuse me sir, but could you tell me what you’re thankful for?”
“Rogaine and Viagra.” “OUCH! What’d you hit me for Fanny?”
“You’re not supposed to be telling our business to strangers! Why couldn’t you just say pork chops? You loooove pork chops. But noooo…you have to spout out private stuff. Now everyone knows your business isn’t working like it’s supposed to and…”
“Tommy, I think we’re done here.”
“But McGraw, we didn’t interview Ms. G.”
“Are you kidding, if she’s anything like the rest of the family no telling what she’d have to say! Let’s go and see if we have anything we can actually put on the six o’clock news. This stuff may have to wait till eleven.”
“Are you sure you gentlemen won’t stay for dinner?”
“We’re sure ma’am. Thank you. You have a very…interesting family.”
“Oh my, well thank you. Bye now.”
“Hey, I was in the basement getting a couple jars of pickled pig's feet. Thought I heard a knock, was someone here?”
“Oh sweetie, just two men from the news asking what we’re thankful for. They wanted to talk to you too, but left all of a sudden like.”
“Me, really?”
“Yes dear, they wanted to know what you’re thankful for.”
“Dickens, I’m thankful for so many things like…family, friends, good times, precious mem
ories, and my readers.”
Yes, you! Thank you for taking time out of your busy life to include me in it. It’s very humbling whenever I hear from you and how much you enjoy Can You Imagine. My heartfelt gratitude and prayers are with you always.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!
Look for Volume IV “Holiday Happenings, Part II”
being released just before Christmas.
THE END
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