“Are you ready to learn how to fish?” Lyle asked her.
“I just realized, I don’t have a fishing license. Don’t I need one of those?”
“I have a commercial license,” Reed said. “I have to, as a guide. Most of my customers are from out of state and don’t have licenses.”
“Oh. That’s good.”
Lyle gave her credit, she didn’t even flinch when Reed showed her how to cut the frozen squid bait into usable pieces and how to bait the hooks. Reed put out a chum bag and pretty soon, they were all wetting hooks and starting to get nibbles right away.
When she pulled up her first fish, a small grunt not nearly big enough to use for bait, much less keep to eat, she readily let Reed show her how to slide her hand down the fish and firmly grip it so it didn’t fin her, and she could hold onto it to get the hook out.
When she gently returned it to the water and rinsed her hands off, she straightened with a beaming smile. “Let’s do that again!”
* * * *
Once they arrived at her place a little before three that afternoon, she got out of the truck and went to unlock the door and walk Carlo while the men dug the cooler out of the back of Reed’s truck. She was just coming back inside with Carlo when she realized the men were standing in front of her open fridge, bags of fresh fish filets in their hands.
“What’s wrong?” she asked.
Reed arched an eyebrow at her. “That’s an awful lot of wine for one woman to drink.”
She felt her face go even redder as heat filled it. “Yeeaahh. My original plan after dropping my parents off at the airport was to come home and drink myself blind until this morning, giving me two days to sober up and get over my hangover before I go to work on Monday.”
Lyle laughed. “So how much did you drink? And what changed your plan?”
“Only one bottle. And I changed the plan because I woke up feeling so crappy Wednesday morning, I decided it wasn’t worth feeling like shit and feeling hungover at the same time.” She stepped between them and started rearranging things. “Moscato was his favorite. If you guys want a couple of bottles, take them. It’ll take me a year or longer to drink all this.”
“Give us three,” Reed said. “We’ll take ’em off your hands.”
She handed three out to Lyle, who traded her the bottles for the bags of fish in his hands.
With all the fish safely stowed, she turned to the men. “Thank you for this morning. I had a great time.” She was a little surprised to realize that wasn’t even an exaggeration.
She did have a great time with them. She was even able to talk to them about what Tony had written in his journal about them, how he’d liked the men, trusted them. Yes, a lot of talking, and some tears, but for the first time since Tony’s death she felt like she could breathe again without a heavy weight upon her soul.
Yes, it still hurt, and she knew it would hurt for years.
Probably forever.
But at least she had a little hope now that her grief would, gradually, reach a point where she could live with it without it crushing her.
“We had a great time, too,” Reed said. “Thanks for coming out with us.”
“But the day’s not done yet,” Lyle said. “You have time for a nap and a shower before we pick you up at six for dinner.”
She wasn’t even going to argue with them. She realized if she tried to back out that Eliza, Jenny, and likely Tilly—who also had her phone number since asking for it last night—would be calling her and wanting to know why she’d backed out.
It was easier to go and play along. As she’d discovered from that morning, playing along would be the easiest thing in the world to do with these two men.
Once they’d left, she headed for the bathroom, stripped, brushed out her hair, and got in the shower, standing under water a little cooler than she would normally take it. She’d used sunscreen, but still got a little bit of exposure.
Carlo laid outside the shower, not leaving her side after going out for his walk.
And the men hadn’t even freaked out when she stripped down to her bathing suit and jumped in the comfortably warm Gulf water with Lyle for a quick swim.
Which she’d needed, because she’d had to pee and didn’t feel like squatting off the back of the swim ladder like Reed had explained she could do.
They’d caught their legal limit of grunts and grouper today.
Tomorrow night, she would cook them dinner. Tony had a notebook in the kitchen full of recipes he’d cooked for her, including a couple of delicious fish recipes she knew she could duplicate.
It would be fitting to cook something of his for the men.
Therapeutic.
She knew he would have approved of her going out with them. The sun, the calm water, the light breeze, and good company. Reed had even let her take the wheel on the way in, showing her how to steer the boat, what the channel markers meant, and even let her try her hand at docking it, which according to the men, she’d done pretty well at for her first attempt.
She’d been able to go periods of time, once nearly an hour, without thinking about Tony’s death.
Although never far from her thoughts was the wistful desire to pick up her phone and call him, or text him pics of their day.
The three of them even took selfies together, when she’d pulled up her first keeper grouper.
It’d been fun.
Another thing the morning had taught her—being friends with the men wouldn’t be a problem or a chore or even an act she’d have to fake. They were sweet, funny, smart men. If it eventually went farther than just friends, she’d be okay with that, too.
She wasn’t sure of the BDSM stuff, although after talking to them about that, too, she realized it wasn’t nearly as freaky as she’d worried it might be. Between seeing people play the night before, and hearing their personal takes on it, it made sense to her.
Some people had very formal, rigid, structured dynamics. These men were switches, playing both roles whenever it suited them for fun.
She could understand that.
And, despite her initial discomfort, it was easier to talk to them about her brother, to ask them how he’d liked to play, what they enjoyed doing with him, what he enjoyed with them—it was a way to learn more about him and soothe her soul a little.
After getting out of the shower, she made a quick call to her parents, returning their call that she’d missed while in the shower. She knew they were worried about her, but right now, she still needed time to rebuild her protective bubble around herself.
Then she put her phone on the charger next to her bed and set the alarm to wake her up so she could take a nap. She wouldn’t need much time to get ready, just brush out her hair, get dressed, and go.
The men had seen her without makeup already. It wasn’t like she needed to dig the stuff out of her bathroom cabinet and put it on. She didn’t wear it at work. It was a pain in the butt to wear, and, frankly, she didn’t like wearing it.
She patted the bed, calling Carlo up with her, and closed her eyes.
* * * *
In her dream, she was back on Reed’s boat, but it was just her and Tony and Carlo.
Ironically, it was Carlo’s presence that tipped her off it was a dream. The dog was happy, calm, sitting there with his head in Tony’s lap, and not freaking out like she suspected he would over the water.
While part of her wanted to cry with joy to see her brother sitting there, and part of her wanted to curl up in his arms, she suspected that might jolt her out of this dream and she didn’t want to do that.
She wanted it to last forever.
“I love you,” she said. She’d said it to him over and over that night in the hospital as his condition worsened. At least she’d said it to him when he could respond and say it back to her. That was one small comfort she’d always cherish.
He smiled, the same, playful smile he’d worn when alive. “I know. I love you, too, Nessie.” He stroked Carlo’s head. ??
?Time to move forward.”
“I’m not ready to do that yet.”
“I know. But you’ll never be ready if you don’t do it. I’ll always be here.” The journal was in his hands. She hadn’t even seen it appear, it just was.
“How do I go on without you?”
“You just do. Reed and Lyle are great guys. You’re an adult. Follow your heart, follow your joy, follow what makes you smile. You made me smile, Nessie. They made me smile. My friends, they made me smile. They brought me joy. So did you. Life is short, and you have to keep living it while you have the chance.”
Suddenly, they were anchored outside a large nuclear power plant and loud alarms were going off. Before she could say anything about that change in events, her eyes popped open and she was instinctively flailing around to find her phone and shut off the obnoxiously loud power plant alarm tone that had awakened her.
Carlo lifted his head and stared at her.
She sat up, knowing that if she laid there for too long she would go right back to sleep.
“Shit.” She had less than forty-five minutes before the men were scheduled to arrive. She’d dropped right to sleep, apparently.
And she had a text message on her phone from Jenny from nearly an hour earlier.
Still on for tonight?
Trying to get her wits about her, Vanessa texted her back.
Yes.
Jenny replied almost immediately.
How was the boat?
Hell, she needed coffee before attempting a conversation.
I’ll tell you tonight. I need to get ready. I just woke up from a nap.
Okay, see you then!
She stumbled to her feet and headed for the bathroom while Carlo watched her from the bed.
She would definitely need some coffee if they’d be out as late tonight as they were last night.
It surprised her to find out she wanted to be out that late with them again.
Anything to not have to be alone right now.
Chapter Fifteen
“You look like you got a little sun today,” Tilly noted when they arrived at the restaurant and the woman swooped in to hug first her, then Reed and Lyle.
“I did.”
“Have fun?”
Vanessa didn’t even have to force the smile. “I did. They were very sweet. Thank you for introducing me to them.”
Tilly beamed. Vanessa didn’t miss how she shot a wink over Eliza’s way, who gave her a head nod in return.
Vanessa nearly giggled when Reed caught her eye. Operation Bamboozle, as they’d playfully dubbed it on the way over, was underway.
Vanessa wouldn’t deny she hoped it became more than just a ploy to keep Tilly, Eliza, and Jenny off their backs. She did like the fact that the men were interested in honest discussions, even difficult and awkward ones. They swore that communication got easier the more it happened.
It was a refreshing change.
She’d also accepted that they were attracted to her. Once she was back in the boat from her swim, she’d kept her T-shirt and shorts off, and Lyle had helped her reapply sunscreen.
After, she noted with more than a little boost to her ego that both men tried to surreptitiously adjust their shorts so their erections didn’t show.
Maybe they really did find her attractive. One thing she had processed from the night before at the club, she hadn’t been the skinniest woman in the room, but she’d been far from the most obese, either. In fact, the majority of the people there looked like they had at least a few extra pounds.
She normally wasn’t someone to feel self-conscious in the usual course of her day. Last night, she’d been more wrapped up in her grief and the overwhelming influx of meeting people and learning things about Tony to actually focus on what was going on around her.
With a little time and distance, it occurred to her that not only had most everyone there last night seemed pretty average in terms of appearance, but they also seemed fairly…normal.
Their kinky activities and clothes notwithstanding.
And ditto tonight. As Vanessa settled into a chair at the table, seated between Lyle and Reed, looking around at the mostly familiar faces, she realized this could be any group of friends getting together for dinner, not just kinky friends.
Other than the occasional necklace or bracelet she suspected was actually a day collar, there wasn’t anything to distinguish these people from the vanilla population.
The men had warned her that tonight would be a slightly different night at the club. No class early on, just an open play session. There would likely be more people there, too, and she should be prepared to see any number of things she might not have seen the night before.
She was more than good with that. It would help keep her mind off her brother.
She hoped.
As they had the night before, they settled in at one of the tables in the social area, the men on either side of her. Tilly, Jenny, and Eliza all kept tabs on her, but left her mostly alone with the two men.
In some ways, she preferred it that way. She’d quickly come to feel an affinity for these two men. Amongst all the people she’d met so far, excluding Jenny and Eliza and their guys, Reed and Lyle had, in some ways, known her brother more intimately, a different side of him. They’d shared play experiences with him, not just a friendship.
He’d obviously trusted them enough to do that with them, and he’d spoken highly of them in his journal. Toward the end of it, he’d mentioned them several times. She wished Tony had kept up with it more regularly. Sometimes he might write several days in a row in it, and then go weeks with nothing. It was snapshots of things he’d apparently thought important enough to note at the time, but she missed seeing the minutiae, the trivia, the mundane.
Any little scrap of insight she could glean from it.
As she sat there, Reed leaned in. “I checked Facebook earlier,” he said. “I guess they’ve secured a venue for the memorial for next Saturday. It’s going to be over on Siesta Key at a park, at five.”
“He would have liked that,” she said. “Will you be able to make it?”
“Yeah. I’ve got an all-day charter scheduled, but I’ll discount their rate and tell them why I’m cutting it short by a couple of hours. I’m sure they’ll understand.”
“I know you haven’t checked the thread,” Lyle said, “but they mentioned setting up a video show of pictures.”
She felt her heart pound. “I can send them pictures,” she said. One thing she and Tony had done together, not long after he’d moved in, was scan all their old family photos into the computer, as well as gather in one place all their digital photos, so they’d both have copies, plus send them on a thumb drive to their parents.
“If you want any help going through them,” Reed said, “We’ll be glad to.”
“Thanks. I appreciate that.” She took a risk. “I won’t turn you down either.”
Lyle patted her shoulder, leaving his hand resting there. It felt comforting, comfortable…
Right.
She laid a hand over his and squeezed, holding on.
* * * *
The more I play with Lyle and Reed, the more comfortable I feel with them, and the more I trust them. Not that I didn’t trust them to start with, or I never would have played with them at all. But it’s like they get me, like we have common…goals isn’t the right word, but it’s all I can think of now. Like they don’t have an agenda. Like whatever this is that’s building between us, it’s safe, it’s healthy, and maybe even something that will be solid enough to last long-term.
I like the thought of that. I like the thought of maybe in a few years we’re still playing together, or more. They’re both drama-free, and they aren’t out to build their egos by playing with as many people as they can…
As Vanessa sat and watched others playing, she thought about Tony’s journal. She tried to imagine him there, playing with Lyle and Reed, what it must have been like. Tonight there were more male Tops and
female bottoms. In fact she hadn’t seen any male bottoms play that night at all.
By midnight, when Reed was yawning and she realized he probably had to get up early for a morning charter, they were sitting huddled even closer, their own little self-contained pod, both men leaning in and at different times one, or even both of them, had an arm draped around her shoulders in a familiar way.
No objections from her.
“Guess you’re turning into a pumpkin,” she teased Reed.
“Yeah, sorry. Charter tomorrow, too.”
“We’re still on for dinner?”
“Absolutely,” he said. “I wouldn’t miss that, believe me.”
As they drove her home, Vanessa riding shotgun while Reed rode in the back at his insistence, she said, “I don’t know if I’ve truly thanked the two of you yet, but thank you. For last night, for this morning, and for tonight. It means a lot to me that you’ve sort of taken me in like this when you don’t even know me.”
“We kind of feel like we do know you,” Lyle said. “From the things Basco told us about you.”
“I wish he’d felt comfortable enough telling me about you guys. Not just having to read about you in his journal.”
She still hadn’t posted a message on FetLife about his passing. That was something she needed to do, to cross off her list. It wasn’t something she wanted to do, but the people who knew him the best in the local community had been notified in person by her, or had likely been told by others already.
“We understand why he didn’t,” Lyle said. “Most of our family members, and nearly all our vanilla friends, would be surprised, if not shocked, if they found out about this side of our lives. It’s not something most people are able to shout about from the rooftops.”
“Yeah.” She knew she couldn’t in her job. Not that it would get her fired, but if anyone she worked with found out about this, it would likely weaken her position as a manager. It was difficult enough being a woman in a male-dominated profession, and there had been times in the past she’d had to stand up for herself against pinheaded asshats.