Chapter 17
The day after we looked at all those wedding pictures, the thought of really being married to Jessie burned like an open wound in my heart. Guys didn’t usually marry their sister; I understood that – it didn’t necessarily mean you couldn’t. But Dad said it was illegal for cousins, though, so...
Dad dropped us off at home after Jessie’s karate class. As soon as he was out of sight I got my bike from the garage and pedaled through the snow to the library. I found the big set of books full of Michigan’s state laws. After an hour of fruitless searching, I broke down and asked a librarian for help finding the section on marriages. She did a double-take when she saw my face – like a lot of people did – and then showed me how to use the Civil Code index.
And there it was in black and white – just like Sis and me.
“Section 551.3,” I mumbled, “A man shall not marry his mother, grandmother, daughter, granddaughter, sister...”
That can’t be all, I thought. I looked for exceptions. Maybe because she was adopted? Not a word about exceptions. I checked the index. Adoption. Foreign... procedures... appeals... Parental rights must be mentioned a thousand times, but nowhere did it mention the kids’ rights. Finally, Section 710.60... This was it!
“After entry of the order of adoption there is no distinction between the rights and duties of natural progeny and adopted persons, and the adopted person becomes an heir at law of the adopting parent or parents, and an heir at law of the lineal and collateral kindred of the adopting parent or parents.” Who writes this stuff?
But no distinction? I understood that part. It didn’t matter that she was adopted. She was my sister, just as if we really were twins. My stomach twisted. There must be a way. If there wasn’t I might as well just die.
I went back to the librarian, who was putting away books. Making sure nobody was nearby, I whispered as nonchalantly as I could, “Thanks for your help, but I couldn’t find what I wanted. Do you know if a bro... if an adult can marry his sister?”
She gave me the strange look I expected, but then smiled. “Of course not, young man. That would be incest.”
I’d heard that word. It was something bad, because Dad said it was a problem in our part of the state. At the time, I’d assumed it was something to do with the people who grew marijuana way out in the woods. But that wouldn’t make any sense here.
“Is that true even if one of them is adopted?”
“I’m sure that would still be illegal.” Then the question I dreaded. “Why on earth would you want to know?”
“Um, a friend told me it was true and I didn’t believe him.”
She smiled. “Well, good for you for looking it up. You can’t always believe what you hear.” Then she went back to putting books away.
So what was this incest? I flipped through the thick dictionary in the reference room. “...the crime of sexual intercourse, cohabitation, or marriage between persons within the degrees of consanguinity or affinity wherein marriage is legally forbidden.”
Honestly, my thoughts hadn’t run as far as “sexual intercourse.” Even when I masturbated and thought about her I didn’t think of, well, that. I wondered if she... the Mona Lisa smile. My whole body shuddered and tingled.
I must be misunderstanding about cohabitation, because pretty much all brothers and sisters live together. But marriage? That was real clear. Marriage was specifically forbidden, so it was a crime. I couldn’t handle that, I just couldn’t process it.
I staggered back to the law books to see how bad a crime it was. The Michigan Criminal code was on the next shelf. I was relieved to find that the section on incest had been repealed almost a decade before. But now I was confused again. If it wasn’t allowed, but it wasn’t a crime, what was it?
I skimmed further ahead and found section 750.520b, criminal sexual conduct in the first degree. I read the words under my breath. “A person is guilty of criminal sexual conduct in the first degree if he engages in sexual penetration...” there’s that tingle again. Who’d have guessed law books were so... well, I laughed silently, it is the penal code. Anyway... “...with another person and that other person is... less than sixteen and... a member of the same household or related...”
Where’s the bottom line? Next page. Oh, man, this is bad... “A felony punishable by imprisonment for life or for any term of years.” Life or a million years. I couldn’t breathe. No wonder Daniel was so worried. If we were caught together, even innocently, even just kissing... people might assume... What if Dad thought…? That’s why he’d been so mad at Mom!
“Oh shit.” I said aloud. A man looked up from his book and glared. I couldn’t even formulate an apology. My dream of marrying Jessie could never be real, and the knowledge crushed my soul.
Riding my bike home, part of my heart went cold and bitter about how Mom had lied to us. The rage overwhelmed my grief and guilt, and grew to fill me.
The house was empty – Dad was at work and Jess was at Jody’s. I locked the doors so I could hear if Sis came home. I sat cross-legged on my bed and addressed the poster of Albert Einstein making a goofy face.
“Al,” I said aloud, “I have a serious problem. You’re so smart... You have to help me figure this out.”
He said nothing, but listened patiently.
“Jess and I, we’ve had some kind of connection right from the start, right? We both felt it.”
Albert stared at me.
“Okay, okay, it was love. I can’t even imagine being with another girl. Dammit, Al, we’re married for God’s sake!”
Maybe I should find a poster of Freud.
“Sigmund is right. This goes back to Mom. That bitch! The idea of us being destined for each other is crazy. Dad sure thought so. Why’d she do that?”
I felt like Doctor E was mocking me.
“Yeah, siblings play house all the time, but guys don’t fantasize about being married to their sister, right? And they don’t sleep together. But that was a unique situation, and it changed us. We’re not your usual brother and sister. But it’s over now and we can’t do that anymore. We aren’t kids anymore.
“Anyway, it’s really serious; there’s this law. We can’t get married. And we can’t act like we’re married. And this penetration stuff, holy shit.” I remembered the feel of her soft, clean skin next to mine, the night before we left for Colorado, wanting more. I thought about that subtle smile. “It’d be so easy to go too far. If anybody knew how I feel, if someone even suspects that I might’ve touched her... I don’t want to go to jail.
“So what can we do? We can’t run away... what would that do to Dad? Besides, they’d find us and separate us. I couldn’t bear it, and Jess would rather die than go back to an orphanage.” I thought about those bruises, and what else... “No, we can’t risk that.”
“Besides, what would the kids at school say? Her life would be hell. So would Dad’s. He’s had enough of his own problems – he doesn’t need mine. He’s been doing so well, and he could easily slip back if I brought that on him. Shit, if they thought he knew, or should have known, they could take us away. Maybe even put him in prison. I don’t think I can handle this. Oh my God, what if...”
Then it hit me with the ferocity of a wounded bull. I had to handle this alone. No matter what it cost or how badly it hurt or for how long. I had to protect my family. I had to protect Jessie, even if it destroyed me. The burden was overwhelming.
“No more what-ifs! None of that is going to happen, okay? D’you understand?” I hollered at the wall, “I’m in control of this! I know what I have to do.”
The answer came screaming back at me.
“Nothing!”
That was the problem. The only thing I could do was nothing, and that was the hardest solution I could imagine.
“But I’m mature, right? I can control it,” I added unconvincingly. “Nothing bad happens unless I screw up. We can’t kiss anymore, and she can’t come in here anymore. Ever. And w
e can’t tell anybody.”
“Honestly, Al? I want to kill myself...” At that moment it seemed like a more sensible solution than a life of empty agony.
“Shit! I can’t! I couldn’t do that to Jess and Dad.” Tears were inevitable. “Oh, shit! Ohshitohshitohshit! I’m so trapped.”
Even though I was alone, I screamed and cried into my pillow.