Chapter 44
I bundled up against the wind and trudged through the neighborhood’s snowy streets. The Catholic church was only four blocks away, and I looked up as I walked past St. Ann’s brick façade.
A light was on in the rectory. A lump in my throat, I climbed the porch steps and rang the bell.
I didn’t want to talk with Father Neil. He was the Youth Minister and still in his twenties. He saw things as being right or wrong, black or white. Georgia thought the sun rose and set in him, but he rubbed me the wrong way.
So, I was relieved when Father John answered the door. He was old and kind, and his sermons were usually good lessons wrapped in funny stories.
“Cory?” Father John said, surprised. “Come in out the cold, please. How nice of you to stop by. I was just making some tea, would you care for a cup?”
“No, thank you. Uh, Father?” It still felt weird to call somebody that. “I didn’t mean to interrupt...”
“Don’t talk crazy – you’re always welcome. Did you come to see Father Neil? I’m afraid he’s out.”
“No, I was hoping you’d be home.”
“Oh,” he seemed surprised. “How nice. I’m popular with the young Laines this week. So,” he said, leading me to the kitchen, “How can I help?”
“What, um, when do you do confessions?”
He retrieved a second mug from the cupboard and poured some of his steaming brew into it.
I thanked him and we sat at the kitchen table.
“Well, Cory, we call it Reconciliation, because the sacrament is about forgiveness, not guilt. Is there something you need to talk about?”
“Uh, yeah,” I was unsure what to do, and I hated that feeling. “Do we need to go next door?” It took him a moment to understand. “Oh, no, the kitchen is just fine.”
“But do the rules still apply here?” I asked, “Are you still bound to secrecy?”
“Yes I am, Cory. And you don’t have to recite anything; just tell me what’s on your mind.”
“Oh, okay, good,” I said with great relief. I was instantly glad I had decided to do this.
His cat wandered into the kitchen and stretched out next to the radiator.
I thought about where to begin. “Well, first, I’ve been lying a lot.” He didn’t say anything; just waited patiently. “Every day. For over two years.”
“You are hiding something, no? Can you tell me about your secret?”
I had decided it was what I wanted to do before I even left the house, but the habit of silence was unbelievably strong. All the pressure holding it in for so long, and now this good man was inviting me to speak it. I just blurted it out.
“I’m in love with my sister.”
Nothing happened. No lightning or earthquakes. The old priest sipped his tea and looked at me expectantly. “...and?”
“And what?” I asked.
“That’s your big secret?” he asked, “That you love your sister?”
“But not like a brother’s supposed to.” Still, his face looked at me compassionately. I was so confused. Even from him I expected condemnation. It was if it wasn’t a big deal at all. I think minutes passed until I was able to ask, “Isn’t that a sin?”
“To love someone? No, of course not. Drink your tea.”
I took a sip. It was hot and smooth.
“Have you done anything to harm her, Cory?”
“No way, Father! I’d never do that.”
“I expected not. And you have kept your feelings to yourself? Why?”
I was starting to wonder if he’d understood me. “Because! Because I don’t want to be... like the Yirzbiks. I don’t want people to know I’m a molester.”
“But you said that you haven’t acted on your feelings.” I shook my head. “So nobody has been molested. You have chosen to behave in a loving way, and should be proud of yourself. That’s often a hard thing to do. Is there more?”
“Just that I...” I couldn’t believe I was saying this to a priest. “…am... physically attracted.”
He smiled. “She’s very beautiful, isn’t she? You’re a healthy young man. These feelings, they’re not abnormal.”
“But she’s my sister!”
“I understand. Cory, feelings aren’t right or wrong – they are what they are. A man has to acknowledge his feelings before he can deal with them. You just took the first step to reconciling the situation.”
I thought about that and we drank our tea.
“But I can’t change how I feel. I’m living a lie and it’s driving me insane.”
“Yes, Cory, you have been lying, that’s true. And I can see that it’s been a sacrifice; you’ve done it with the very noblest of intentions. You know what they say about good intentions?”
This was not at all the conversation I had imagined. The tea was cooler now, and I took a long drink. It warmed me inside. “Yes, I know... so what do I do?” I pleaded.
“To some people I’d recommend prayer and reflection. You’re a pragmatic young man, though, and not much of a prayer, I think. You need more practical advice than I can offer. I take it you haven’t discussed this with your father?”
“No way!” I said too loud. “...um, no Father.”
He just nodded, his eyes smiling.
“Really? He’ll probably kill me, you know.”
“At least you won’t die with a secret on your soul.” I knew he was teasing me, but it was hard to feel amused. He rested his elbows on the table. “I knew your father in the Army. Did you know that?”
“Yeah, he’s mentioned it.”
“He was so young, not much older than you are now. He was fearless, ruthless and very, very angry.”
Given our talk the previous night, I could understand why he might’ve felt that way.
“He was offered a chance at sniper school,” Father John continued. “That’s a really big deal in the Army – but I talked him into joining the MPs.”
“Why?”
“Because I knew how good his heart was. When he got a chance to help other people, well, he became less angry.”
“I’m glad you did that. I think it made his life better.”
“I think so, too. I talk with him often. He’s been concerned about you for a while now.”
“He can tell when I’m hiding something.” Oh, shit! “Father, does he know how I feel?”
“I couldn’t tell you. He has a lot of other worries right now.” He sipped his tea.
Dad must not know exactly what’s on my mind. He’d have confronted me.
“Did you know I’m friends with Judge Franks, too?”
“Also from the Army?” He nodded.
“Next time you talk to him, ask him about Israel. Promise me you’ll do that, okay?”
“He’s never mentioned the middle east.”
“No, Allen and Israel. Just that, okay?”
“Okay. But you know my Dad... do you really think I should tell him?”
“Do you have any better ideas?” All he got was a blank stare. “What do you think, Cory?”
I shrugged and took another long drink.
“Anything else you need to get off chest?”
I considered telling him about my feelings about Mom, but decided I had enough on my plate for the moment. “Maybe next time,” I said.
“You’re always welcome here. Maybe you could stop by again, just to let me know how things turn out, okay?”
“Okay.”
We finished our tea in silence. “Would you like me to bless you before you go?”
“What? Like last rites? I probably need them.”
“No, it’s a normal part of Reconciliation.”
“Oh. Then yes, please.”
He leaned over and put his hand on my head, using his thumb to make the sign of the cross on my forehead. “May God bless and keep you, guide and comfort you. Go in peace.”
That was simple. Revere
nd Adams would’ve gone on for at least ten minutes.
Father John showed me out. Standing on the porch he waved goodbye, then raised his hands. “Wow!” he exclaimed, “What a beautiful day – it’s like the first day of creation!” I couldn’t help but laugh with his infectious, childlike joy.
“Oh, and Cory?” he called as he turned to go inside. “Next time – remind me to tell you about your parent’s wedding. And say hello to Franks for me.”
“Wicked old man,” I muttered. He had me curious and he knew it.
I’d desperately hoped that the confession would bring me some relief, but the volcano of emotion in my chest was not appeased.