Chapter 49
The sharp rattle of a bell woke me to a disoriented world. Where am I? I looked around.
I’m in Jessie’s room. On Jessie’ bed. In Jessie’s arms. Oh, oh yeah. She was sleeping quietly on my shoulder, with one arm between us, and the other on my stomach. Her bare chest rested against mine.
The phone rang again. I glanced at the clock – 9:00. AM? PM? Yeah, PM. Shit, it’s Dad, and it’s late. Did I miss a call? Is he coming home early? I fumbled her phone off of the night stand, almost dropping it in the process. “Hullo?” I croaked, trying hard not to sound guilty. My lip was still swollen and tender.
“Hi Son,” Dad said. “I’m sorry I didn’t call earlier. It’s been busy, and I’ll be home a little late. Is everything okay there?”
“Mm-huh, yeah, Dad.” My ribs and shoulder ached.
“Oh, sounds like you’re all ready for bed. Did you talk to your sister?”
“I’ll, uh, I’ll tell you about it tomorrow.”
“Are you alright?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay. Is she still up?”
I looked at her face. She blinked, groggily lifted her head, and looked around the room.
“No, she’s in bed.” I said honestly.
“Alright, go get some sleep. You can tell me all about it in the morning. I love you, Son.” I couldn’t believe it. I was lying in bed with my sister, half-naked, talking to my Dad – the man who can see through walls – and getting away with it.
“M’kay. Love you, too, Dad.” I hung up.
“I thought we were dead.”
“That was Dad?” she said sleepily and stretched against me. “No way!” She propped herself on one elbow. Sis was awake now. She saw that I was looking at her body and smiled.
“Uh, sorry Sis, I have to get up.” I broke our long embrace and headed to the bathroom, carefully avoiding debris.
I relieved myself and rinsed my hands. When I opened the door, I almost fell over Jess. My little sister was standing there in just a pair of shorts. Her cuts and scrapes looked angry. She had creases where my arm had pressed against her skin.
“My turn,” she said, and squeezed past me.
In my room, I sat down on the bed and just stared into space. I heard the flush, and then listened to the water running. After a minute, Jessie came out, still wet from washing her face. She sat on my bed close to me, but not touching. I cleared my throat. A droplet of water fell from her chin and landed between her little breasts. It glinted, reflecting my bright desk lamp.
“That was...” I trailed off, at a loss for words.
“Heavenly,” she sighed. “Oh, Cory! What are we going to do? That was the most beautiful thing that I ever...” she paused, “No; I couldn’t even have imagined it. I want to sleep in your arms like that every night for the rest of my life.”
“Yeah, me too.” I smiled at her and took her hand.
“I’m really sorry I hurt you, Cory. I was just...”
“I know. It’s fine, well worth the result.”
“Can we start over?”
“Why, do you feel like beating the crap out of me again?”
She giggled. “No, I mean... All that stuff you said about loving me from the first time we saw each other? I still feel the same way.”
“I tried so hard to hide it...”
“I guess it worked; you hid it well enough. Too well,” she said. “I’ve never stopped loving you. Do you remember when we used to talk about being married?”
“I only think about it every day. I’d still do it in a heartbeat.”
“Me too, Cory. I thought it was obvious. I thought you knew, and just didn’t... just didn’t... care anymore.”
“I had no idea. Maybe I didn’t understand because you never told me?” She scowled at me. “No, I’m sorry. I guess I’m to blame. I’m the one who broke up with you, Sis.”
Exasperated, she pulled away and yelled, “How could you not know? Why are boys so stupid and dense?” She slugged my arm in frustration – really hard – but then grabbed me and hugged me even tighter. “I keep doing that. It’s just... it’s hurt so bad for so long.”
“But you’re okay if I like you, you know, that way?”
Her face broke out into that lovely smile that always turns my heart. “Yeah.” She looked down and said in a small voice, “Yeah, way more than okay.”
I rolled into the center of the bed and held out my arms. She settled in beside me again. “You know what? We should talk more often.”
She pressed her head into my shoulder and whispered, “I’d like that.”
“So you don’t think I’m a creep, or... I sure felt like a creep. I have to ask... all that sunbathing and stuff, was that accidental or were you trying to torture me?”
“I tried and failed. You never picked up on it.”
“You didn’t fail. You drove me insane. I just thought it was wishful thinking on my part.”
“What happened to us, Cory? How’d we get so... disconnected?”
I was quiet for a second. I guess it was safe to talk about now.
“The shower.”
She made a face.
“I knew it. I’m sorry. I totally grossed you out – I don’t blame you.”
“Whoa. Wrong. It was… you looked at me, and you smiled.”
“So you did feel it, too?”
“Like electricity, like lightning.”
“Yeah.”
“And then later you kissed me on the neck.”
“I wasn’t brave enough to say anything, but I thought you’d understand.”
“I understood. When I saw you naked, I liked it too much. All of a sudden being your friend and your brother, it wasn’t enough. I didn’t feel like you were... safe... anymore.”
“I didn’t want to be safe. Not from you.”
“I know. That’s why I had to lie.”
“How could you think I didn’t still love you that way? I never changed.”
“But you did. You were acting so weird...”
“Weird? Like what?”
“Like telling me and Dad you hated us?” She covered her face. “Or throwing the toaster at my head? Or how about...”
“Oh. Um. Yeah, that’s a girl thing. The chemicals, you know? It got better after I started the shots, though, didn’t it?”
“It did, a lot better. I didn’t make that connection.” I gave her a squeeze. “None of that matters now.”
She sat bolt upright and grabbed hard at my arm.
“Oh dear God! Dad! What are we going to do? He’ll kill us!”
“I think it’ll be okay. I opened up to him about it last night...”
“You told him about the shower?!” Jess yelped.
“No, no way. I told him that I loved you.”
“...and he let you live?”
“He already knew; he said he had for months.”
She thought about that. “Dad’s going to know everything, if he doesn’t already.”
“No, not about how you feel.”
“It’ll probably be just as obvious now. What are we going to do?”
“We’re going to talk to him.”
She shook her head emphatically.
“You can talk to him – I couldn’t...”
I sat up and put my hand on her bare knee.
“No, Sis, it has to be from both of us. He has to see that we both feel the same. You don’t even have to say anything – I’ll do the talking. He just needs to see your face and he’ll know it’s true.”
“Okay I guess, but I’m scared.”
“Me too, Jess. But it’s better than... it’s not like we can hide it from him.”
“I won’t be able to sleep.”
“Me either. I’d have an ulcer by morning. No. When he gets home, we’ll be waiting in the living room. That’s what I did last night. He’ll know there’s something wrong that we’re worried about, something we’re
not hiding.”
She shuddered. “I guess you’re right, but I’m not looking forward to it.”
I took her hand. “I don’t know how, or even if I’m strong enough to do this. But I need your help.”
She nodded, and retrieved a hand to rub her nose and to wipe the comer of her eye. “Cory?” She wouldn’t look me in the eyes. “This might be the last chance we ever have to... to be together. Like this, I mean.”
“I know. He said he’d be late, but not how long. We need to be ready when he gets here. Help me remember to get the picture.”
I pulled my quilt over us, and we lay quietly against each other for a while. She raised her head to see my face. “What do you think he’ll say?”
“I don’t know. He might understand how we feel. He and Mom had the baby in their teens.”
“He’ll try to keep us apart,” she said. “I’m sure he will.”
“Yeah, he might have to separate us.”
“Like how? Boarding school?” she asked.
“I guess, Jess. He might send one of us to Cranbrook or Leelanau. Or even Wayland.”
“If it’s you, maybe Interlochen.”
“Or St. John’s.”
“Military academy? Cory, that’d be awful.”
“Those are all pretty expensive schools. I don’t think that’s an option. But yeah, he might be forced to separate us. It wouldn’t be as bad as what he went through. At least we’d get to talk and see each other on breaks. It’s hard to imagine being mostly apart for a couple years, but we could do it if we had to.”
“It would kill me.”
“You’d survive. And do you know why? Because then we’d have the rest of our lives together.”
“I don’t want to spend even one minute away from you. What’d you mean by forced?”
“Jess, this could be really serious for Dad.”
“How?”
“We’re underage. Anything beyond kissing’s a criminal act. Even just laying here like this,” I lifted the blanket, “…is really pushing it. Besides, we’d still have that other problem. Even if we aren’t blood relatives, it’s still incest.”
“Why?”
“You’re legally my sister, Jess; that’s why adoptions go through the courts – because that makes it legal. Do you remember how you felt when you heard about Amanda?”
“That’s different. Nobody would...”
“Jump to conclusions? They’d assume it was bad. As bad as if I just decided to rape you one night, and beat the crap out of you if you resisted.”
“Cory! With what you know about me, my past? Why would you even say something like that?”
“Because that’s what people will assume. When you hear hoof beats, you think horses, not zebras.”
“But I’ll tell them...”
“Yeah, right. Do you think it’d make a difference if Amanda told the cops she wanted it?”
“No.” Jessie bit her lip. “What would happen?”
“For one thing, I’d wind up on the state’s sex offender registry. Just as if I was a pedophile or serial rapist.”
“That seems unfair. How serious would it have to be?”
“I could get on the list just by peeing against a wall.”
“No.”
“True. Indecent exposure.”
“So what does it mean if you’re on the list?”
“I’d always have to register where I lived, and it couldn’t be within a mile of a school. All my neighbors could be told I was a sex offender. Anytime someone did a background check, like for a loan or for a job, they’d find out, so it might be harder to find work. Oh, that’s the other thing; I’d have to have a job at all times, and register that with the state, too. It’s a lot.”
“How long do you stay on the list?”
“Twenty-five years.”
“Seriously? You’d be forty! That’s crazy. How do people get off the list?”
“They don’t. But being on the registry isn’t the bad part. Even though I’m only a teen, it’s still considered statutory rape.”
“You mean if they find out, they’re going to send you to jail? As a child molester? I’ve heard what happens...”
“No, as minors, anything from counseling to juvie. In a couple years, we’re free at eighteen and have a lot more options. But Dad’s the one who’s ultimately responsible. He could – probably would – lose his job. It’d be a scandal. Depending on how it went down, he could go to prison.”
“But he could say he didn’t know...”
“They’ll assume Dad knows, or should’ve known. It’s his job to know. They may even think he’s in on it. Besides, what are the odds that Dad would lie?”
“Zero percent. Oh, that’d be bad. How do you even know all this?”
“Let’s say I’ve had a personal interest in the subject for some time now.”
“Oh my God! Cory! What are we going to do?”
“None of that’s going to happen. We’re not going to let it happen. We’re going to protect Dad. That has to be our number one priority.”
“Do you have a plan?”
“Not yet. I need to know anything you’ve ever said to anyone to make them think I’m more than a brother to you.”
“Not much. It’s not something I’d blab about. I’ve probably said that I don’t think I’ll ever find a boy as nice as you, but I think that’s pretty mild.”
“I agree. Anything that might be misconstrued, especially when you’ve talked to your friends about boys?”
She wracked her brain. “No, but they tease me because I never say I like any boys.”
“But they suspect you have a crush.”
“Yeah, but how do you know that?”
“You and your friends are so loud... I could cast my head in concrete and still hear every word.”
“Really? No.”
“Jody wants to go on the pill, and her dog’s too smart to be Janna’s boyfriend. How do you think I’d look with a beard?”
“Oh my God – you do listen in!”
“Listen? On purpose?” I didn’t like lying, even if I was embarrassed. “Okay, maybe sometimes, but I probably couldn’t block it all out if I tried. I’m just glad I’m your crush.”
“How about you?”
“I’ve been very careful. Well, not even you knew until I said something. But Spaz figured it out a couple days ago… About me, I mean, not you. Mostly I’ve played the nerd and the protective big brother.”
“What do you mean?”
“If I get invited out or something, I just say that I need to do homework, or that I’d rather go home and do woodworking. They can think I’m immature if they want. Part of the reason that you don’t get cat calls and stuff is my fault.” She looked at me quizzically. “Billy Raymond said he wanted to ask you out, and asked me what his chances might be.”
“Billy? Ha! Zippo chance.”
“I told him to go ahead and ask, but if he got out of line or hurt your feelings that I’d break his legs and kill his dog.”
“Cory! That’s awful!” Then she pictured Billy getting that news, and added, “But pretty funny. And no, he never asked me out.”
“Word got around.”
“You really are an overprotective big brother!”
“Guilty as charged.”
“I could tell the girls that I found gay porn in your room.”
I winced. “Back to that, huh? I hate to admit it, but that might work.”
“I wasn’t serious.”
“I am. If that’s the best we can come up with, that’s what we’ll do.”
“But your life would become a living hell.”
“I know, but that’s okay. Up until today, my life hasn’t been the greatest. I could survive it, especially for Dad and for us. I am, however, very, very open to other ideas.”
“What if we just both start dating?”
“Hmm. The main
thing I don’t like about it is that it’d be dishonest. I don’t want to play with anyone’s emotions or lead them on. Besides, it’d kill me to think of you out with another guy.”
“Why? Wouldn’t you trust me?”
“No, Jessie, it’s not that. It’s just...”
She pointed her finger in my face.
“You’d be super jealous.”
“Yeah, yeah, I would.”
“Cory, I don’t like that.”
“That I’d be jealous? Why?”
“Did you really tell Billy that you’d kill his dog?”
I chuckled at the scene. “Yup, I really did.” I never thought of myself as very intimidating, so I was pretty proud of that moment. I had really felt like a man.
“You’ve been being overprotective too long. You can’t think like that.”
“Like what?”
“Cory... I’m your sister, your best friend, and now your girlfriend.” Boy did that sound good in my ears! “I know you better than anyone else on earth, right?”
“What are you trying to say?”
“The Cory I know and love would never, ever kill a dog, or even threaten to. Your gentleness and integrity are what I love about you. Don’t you see that?”
“I was just kidding; I’d never actually do it.”
“But really, you’re proud of telling him that, aren’t you?”
I felt like I was being attacked for doing what I should. Why couldn’t she understand that I did it for her? Oh, I knew why. Because that’s not something she’d ever want me to do for her. My shoulders slumped.
“You’re right. I was proud of it. I’m sorry, Jess. I thought I was doing it for you, but I was just doing it for my own ego.” I shook my head. “When will I figure it out that it’s not all about me?”
She threw her arms around me. “I’m so proud of you, I can’t believe it!”
Now I was totally confused. “What’d I do right?”
“You really don’t know, do you?”
“Not a clue.”
She let go and curled beside me again, trying to find the words. “You get it, you understand. It’s like when Mom asked Dad ‘Did you remember your wallet?’ To most guys that’d be nagging.”
“Yeah, I guess. He did forget it a couple times. But what does that have to do with...?”
“But what would he always say?”
I had to think a minute. “I think he just said ‘Yes, I do, thanks for reminding me.’ Why?”
“He wasn’t defensive. He didn’t assume she was talking down to him. He didn’t listen to the words; he listened with his heart for what she meant, which always came down to the same thing: I love you.”
“Okay, yeah. Yeah, I was defensive. I felt like you were attacking me just for protecting you, that you were being unfair.” She waited while the gears turned in my head. “But I trust that you love me and wouldn’t do that, so I guess... I rejected that idea, and it made me question my own motivation. Wow, that’s pretty deep. I thought I just screwed up and admitted it.”
“You did more than that. You listened to my heart.”
I tried to backpedal. “It’d still hurt me to see you go out with another guy.”
“Cory, you have to trust me. I’m not your property to keep under lock and key – I’m the girl who loves you more than anything else in the world.”
“Ouch. Okay, I guess I still have some work to do. Thanks for helping me to see it.”
“You just did it again! That’s the Cory I love. So that’s all we have? Date other people or have you go gay?”
“So far.”
We fell silent and just held each other. She pulled me back down onto the quilt.
“Cory?”
“Yeah?”
“Will you always love me?”
“Until the day I die. If the preacher’s right, I can love you for eternity.”
“No, I mean do you swear? Like that night on the beach. I’m serious here, like Mom and Dad. No take-backs this time. I mean it.”
“Oh.” I thought of the weight of her words.
I was only fifteen, but I knew for a fact what adult love was. Yeah, I recognized the part that was lust – which was powerful – and I understood that it could be partially infatuation.
But those things paled in comparison to the real love that I knew. I saw it between Mom and Dad. I saw it in Dad’s grief. I saw it in the unabashed care and devotion that Dad gave to us. I knew in my heart, in my soul, what love was, and I knew that’s exactly what I felt for Jessie.
“Yes, Jessie, I promise. Just like Mom and Dad. I do.”
“I promise, too. Just like Mom and Dad.” She repeated solemnly, “I do.”
She propped herself on one elbow and giggled, “You may kiss the bride.”