WE ARE A “WORK IN PROGRESS”__________________
…the Word of God…is effectually at work in you who believe [exercising its superhuman power in those who adhere to and trust in and rely on it].
1 Thessalonians 2:13
I encourage you to say every day, “God is working in me right now — He is changing me!” Speak out of your mouth what the Word says, not what you feel.
It seems that we incessantly talk about how we feel. When we do that, it is difficult for the Word of God to work in us effectively. We magnify our feelings about everything else and allow them to take the lead role in our lives.
Often we “feel” rejected, so we believe people are rejecting us. Perhaps the truth is they do not even see us; therefore, they are not accepting or rejecting us. If we believe that people are rejecting us, it is likely that they will reject us. Our “poor me, nobody loves me, I’m always rejected” attitude is what makes people want to stay away from us.
We must not develop the attitude that if we don’t perform perfectly, we will be rejected. I will admit that the world often operates on that principle, but God doesn’t, and neither should we. None of us who has taken an honest look at ourselves would dare refuse to accept others unless they are perfect. Jesus taught that we can demand perfection in others as a prerequisite to relationship with us only when our own perfection is complete.
We become so accustomed to people in the world being overly concerned about our performance and what we are doing, that we bring wrong thinking into our relationship with God through Jesus Christ. We think God is the way the world is, and He is not. The fear of being rejected (or not being accepted) is one of the major hindrances to our succeeding at being ourselves.
As we step out to be all we can be in Christ, we will make some mistakes — everyone does. But it takes the pressure off of us when we realize that God is expecting us to do the best we can. He is not expecting us to be perfect (totally without flaw). If we were as perfect as we try to be, we would not need a Savior. I believe God will always leave a certain number of defects in us, just so we will know how much we need Jesus every single day.
I am not a perfect preacher. There are times when I say things wrong, times when I believe I have heard from God and find out I was hearing from myself. There are many times when I fall short of perfection (like several hundred times every day!). I don’t have perfect faith, a perfect attitude, perfect thoughts and perfect ways.
Jesus knew that would happen to all of us. That is why He “stands in the gap” for us. (Ezekiel 22:30.) A gap is a space between two things. There is a gap, a space between us and God put there by our imperfections and sins. God is perfect and completely holy. He can only fellowship with those who are like Him. That is why we come to Him through Christ. Jesus is just like His Father. He has told us, “If you have seen Me, you have seen the Father.” ( John 14:9, author’s paraphrase.)
Jesus stands in the gap between God’s perfection and our imperfection. He continually intercedes for us because we continually need it. (Hebrews 7:25.) Jesus came to us as both the Son of God and the Son of Man. He is the Mediator between the two parties — us and God. (1 Timothy 2:5.) Through Him, we come into agreement and fellowship with the Father. In Him we are acceptable to God.
ACCEPTED IN THE BELOVED__________________
…he hath made us accepted in the beloved.
Ephesians 1:6 KJV
We do not have to believe that God accepts us only if we perform perfectly. We can believe the truth that He accepts us “in the Beloved.”
God accepts us because we are believers in His Son Jesus Christ. If we believe the lies of Satan, we spend our lives struggling and in frustration. Our abilities are crippled, and we never succeed at being ourselves.
God spoke to my heart once and said, “Do your best, then enter My rest.” That sounded very good to me, because I had tried everything else and was completely worn out. I have found that my best each day still includes some imperfections, but that is why Jesus died for you and me.
THE PERFORMANCE/ACCEPTANCE TREADMILL__________________
But to one who, not working [by the Law], trusts (believes fully) in Him Who justifies the ungodly, his faith is credited to him as righteousness (the standing acceptable to God).
Thus David congratulates the man and pronounces a blessing on him to whom God credits righteousness apart from the works he does.
Romans 4:5,6
If we spend years on the performance/acceptance treadmill, it is hard to get off of it. It becomes a way of living. It affects our thoughts, perceptions and decisions.
Many people would rather stay on the performance/acceptance treadmill than step off it and have to face the possibility of failure. Others feel so bad about themselves due to their past failures that they won’t even try to start a new way of life.
When people are addicted to feeling good about themselves only when they perform well, they are in for a life of misery. It is a cycle of trying and failing, trying harder and failing again, feeling guilty and rejected, trying again and failing again, and on and on.
God does not want us on the performance/acceptance treadmill. He wants us to feel good about ourselves whether we perform perfectly or not. He doesn’t want us to be filled with pride, but He certainly did not create us to reject ourselves. This is where a revelation concerning our “who” and our “do” is so valuable. We should be able to separate the two and take an honest look at both. If we perform poorly, we can be sorry and hope to do better the next time. We can try to improve our performance (our “do”), but our worth and value (our “who”) cannot be determined by our performance.
People who have problems in this area perceive things wrongly. If they are expecting to be rejected when their performance is not good, they react as though they were already rejected — which confuses those in relationship with them.
Here is an example. My general manager, who has been with us many years, had a problem in the area of performance/acceptance. She grew up believing and receiving the message that she gained acceptance and love through perfection.
When she first began working for us, we noticed that anytime we asked her about her workload she would react very strangely. It seemed to upset her and throw her into a cycle of working harder and more furiously, unless she was able to tell us that everything was perfectly caught up and all her workload was completed. This behavior was becoming a big problem for me because I felt her withdraw and actually reject me during those times. I was not rejecting her because of her imperfection, but she believed she was being rejected by me; therefore, she could not receive my love, which I still wanted to freely give her.
We receive through the act of believing; what we believe is what we receive, and nothing else. If we don’t believe in the grace, mercy and favor of God, then we cannot receive it. If we believe we must do everything perfectly right to be accepted by God, then we will reject His love even though He is not rejecting us. This wrong thinking and believing keeps us trapped. It is like a treadmill that is going so fast we cannot seem to find a place to get off.
If you are trapped on the performance/acceptance treadmill, I pray that the cycle will be broken in your life so you can freely receive God’s acceptance and then help others do the same.
TAKE THE PRESSURE OFF OTHER PEOPLE__________________
They tie up heavy loads, hard to bear, and place them on men’s shoulders, but they themselves will not lift a finger to help bear them.
Matthew 23:4
You and I pressure ourselves when we have unrealistic expectations, when we expect ourselves to be perfect. God does not want us to live under this kind of pressure.
We also can fall into wrong thinking that causes us to pressure other people. We can expect more out of people than they are able to give us. Continued pressure on people we are in relationship with will ultimately cause the collapse of that relationship.
All people everywhere are looking for acceptance.
r /> As humans, all of us require space, or freedom, to be who we are. We want to be accepted as we are. That does not mean that we don’t know we need some change, but we don’t want people giving us the message, even subtly, that we must change in order to be “in.”
We are more likely to change for those who are willing to accept us with our flaws, than we are for those who make demands and expect us to live by their list of rules and regulations.
One thing is for sure, God won’t change the people we are trying to change. He has a “hands off policy” when He is working in human lives.
I remember the years I furiously tried to change my husband Dave and each of our children in different ways. Those were frustrating years, because no matter what I tried, it didn’t work! One day God told me, “Either you’re going to do this, or I am, but we are not both going to do it. I’ll wait until you’re finished. When you are, let Me know, and I will go to work and get the job done!”
My family knew I was not satisfied with them. I loved them, but not unconditionally. I wasn’t willing to accept their flaws: I was going to change them!
Even when we think we are hiding our disapproval, people can still feel it. It is in our voice tone and body language even when it isn’t in our words. We may try to control what we say, but whatever is in the heart eventually comes out of the mouth. Sooner or later we slip and say what we have been thinking.
I was pressuring my family, and the fact that I would not accept them the way they were was pressuring me.
I am not saying that we must accept sin and wrong behavior in other people and merely put up with it. But I am saying loud and clear, from my own personal experience and from God’s Word, that the way to change is prayer, not pressure! If we love people and pray about their sin, God will work.
Many people who irritate us are simply being themselves, and their personality just does not mesh with ours.
My oldest son David, for example, made me feel continually that I had to prove to him that I loved him. He challenged me about almost everything. It wasn’t that he refused to do what he was told to do, but he had to challenge it. He wanted control, and I wasn’t willing to give it up. He was opinionated, and I didn’t like it. He was quick tempered and impatient, and I did not like that either. He could walk in the room where I was, and within a few minutes we would be in some type of conflict. Even if it wasn’t verbal, we could still feel the strife in the atmosphere.
I loved my son, but I didn’t like him. I wanted him to change, and I was determined that he was going to do so whether he wanted to or not. Needless to say, our relationship was under constant pressure. As he got older, our conflict worsened, but since he was a man and no longer a boy, I had no recourse but to accept him as he was or else ask him to move out of the house.
One night in a mid-week church service, the Lord revealed to me that I was holding unforgiveness against my son because I didn’t think he was spiritual enough. I wanted him (and all my children) to be “very spiritual.” I also wanted him to “act the part” in church and around my friends. I wanted him to spend his evenings reading the Bible. I wanted to hear him praying in the morning. I wanted, I wanted, I wanted — and all I got was frustration and pressure.
God told me to apologize to David for the years of pressure I had placed upon him and for not accepting him as he was. It took me a couple of weeks to obey. I was afraid that if I humbled myself and did as God was asking, my son would take advantage of the situation.
Finally, I did as God commanded me. I told my son what God had shown me and apologized to him. With my husband Dave, we told David that he was eighteen years old, and we needed to lay down some new household guidelines, so we took this opportunity to do so. We told him that we wanted him to go to church once a week, not to bring girls to the house when we were not there, and not to play hard rock music in the house when we were gone. Other than that, we were willing to back off and stop trying to change him. We told him we accepted him the way he was.
When Dave and I explained all this to our son, he began to cry.
“You don’t know how bad I’ve needed to hear that you love me and accept me the way I am,” he said. Then he went on to say, “I wish with all my heart that I felt about God the way you and Dad do, but I don’t, and I can’t make myself feel any different. I am doing the best I can right now, but I hope to change.”
It took a lot of grace, especially on my part, but we did take the pressure off. We backed off and put our trust in God to do what needed to be done. About six months went by, and we saw no change in David. Then suddenly one New Year’s Eve he went to church, and God touched him! When he came home he announced that he was going to Bible college and that he was going to serve God fully, even if it meant that he would lose every friend he had.
Now David is one of our division managers at Life In The Word. He is the head of our World Missions program and the media department. He is also one of our good friends. We enjoy our fellowship together.
While I was pressuring David, it had a boomerang effect and actually ended up pressuring me. It did no good, but actually did harm — to our relationship and to his level of security. It was many years after the fact that I finally realized why I had such a hard time with his personality: he is just like me!
My husband’s personality irritated me also. Dave is easygoing (about most things). He is a peace lover and will go the extra mile to preserve it. His philosophy of life is taken straight from the Bible — cast your care! (1 Peter 5:7.) That is his answer to most things. As a result, life is fairly easy for him.
I, on the other hand, was not easygoing about anything. I had very definite opinions and desires. When I didn’t get my way, I made a lot of noise about it. I did care and was not willing to cast it.
Dave’s easygoing nature, although a great blessing to me, also aggravated me at times. I thought I wanted him to be more aggressive in life. One day he set me straight when he said to me, “Joyce, you had better be very happy that I am the way I am; otherwise, you sure wouldn’t be doing what you’re doing.” He was talking about my being in full-time ministry. The fact that God has made Dave the way he is has made it easy for him to allow me the freedom to succeed at being myself. He has not only allowed me — he has helped me.
Often the things we need the most in other people are available for us to enjoy, if we will stop judging them and trying to change them. I needed a peaceful man in my life. All the other men I had encountered had been anything but peaceful. I had prayed for years for a man like Dave, and when I got him I tried to put him on the potter’s wheel and remold him. It caused pressure in our relationship.
Dave was easygoing, but even he finally got tired of it. He was beginning not to like me anymore — he told me so, and it frightened me. I am glad it did, because it provoked me to take the pressure off and trust God to change what needed changing.
Dave has always loved sports, and that was one of the things I wanted to change. I did not care for them, so in my selfishness I wanted him not to like them either. I wanted all of his attention. I wanted him to do what I wanted to do.
I, I, I — that is our biggest problem.
I remember many Sunday afternoons that were spent with me angry and pouting while Dave watched football, baseball, hockey, golf or some other sport. My attitude did not stop him from watching them; as a matter of fact, he really did not allow me to bother him at all, and that made me even madder. But eventually it ministered to me. I became very hungry for the stability and peace that I saw in his life.
As the years went by, I learned that I could find other things to do during those ball games. Dave did things that I wanted him to do most of the time. It was unrealistic for me to expect him to give up everything he enjoyed just because I didn’t enjoy it.
I have come a long way. Right now as I write this book, I am looking at Dave who is sitting across the room from where I am working on my computer. He is watching a golf match and at commercials he is watchi
ng a football game. He has not changed in that area, but I have. The pressure is gone, and our marriage is better.
Sometimes we want others to change, when actually we are the ones who need to change.
Our oldest daughter, Laura, was undisciplined. She did not like school and was satisfied with mediocre to poor grades. Her room was always a mess, and I was constantly telling her (actually screaming at her) to clean it up. I did not like her choice of friends, nor did I like her attitude. I pressured her so much that by the time she got married, she didn’t call me for six months. That hurt me very badly, but I understand now some things I did not understand then.
We cannot change people by pressuring them or by nagging them.
For change to be lasting, it must come from the inside out. Only God can effect that type of heart change.
Thank God, Laura and I have a restored relationship also. After six months she told me that I had been right about a lot of things. By that time I was willing to admit that I had also been wrong about a lot of things. Today she works on our staff, as do all of our children, and she and I are very good friends.
She has changed, and I have changed, but we didn’t change each other. God did it all!
My youngest daughter, Sandra, was not as hard for me to handle as the two older children. Her personality made her want to do everything perfectly, and the more perfect she was, the better I liked it. She pressured herself enough that she needed no help from anyone else. She had a lot of unrealistic expectations of herself that pressured her to the point of having stress-related back problems and colon problems. She was never satisfied with herself in anything. She didn’t like her hair, her skin, her looks or her figure. She didn’t like her gifts and talents. She thought she was slow and dumb. She has also changed! It seems that we all change if we “hang in there” with the Lord.