“Until what?” she presses. “You fucked her? So that’s your thing, Trey? Hooking up with young college girls?”
Trey’s face falls and shoulders slump forward.
“Okay, let’s all take a breather for a moment.” Ali steps into the conversation. Turning, she looks at Brooke. “In Trey’s defense, Emma was wearing a mask and it was difficult to recognize her. Even I wouldn’t have known it was her.”
“You’re defending him now?” Hurt sinks into Brooke’s eyes.
Ali looks around the room. “I’m not defending anyone. I’m simply pointing out a fact.”
“Well, facts aside, he knew who she was afterward and they still continued with their charades.”
“Brooke! Stop,” I yell. “Trey stormed out of the room the second he found out who I was. I didn’t have a clue who he was until he showed up here the next morning.” My breathing picks up and I compose myself. In a much lower and calmer voice, I add, “We tried to fight it, but we couldn’t. I really, really like him, Brooke. A lot. And I know he feels the same. I want to be with him, and I’m certain he wants to be with me. I’m sorry you found out this way. We didn’t want to hurt you, or anyone for that matter.” I take a small step toward Trey, linking my pointer finger with his. Brooke’s eyes follow.
“End it,” she spits with venom. “End it now or I go to the dean.”
“Brooke.” Trey releases me and takes a long stride so he’s in front of her. “Don’t do this, please. I’m in love with her.” I suck in a breath. Holy shit. I was not expecting that right now. “I’m sorry you found out this way, but please, I’m begging you to hear us out.”
Her eyes are ice cold as she looks between us.
“Brooke?” Ali whispers. “Maybe we should go cool down for a bit.”
“No,” she interjects. “End it now or I go to the dean.” She looks over at me, but I don’t see my sister. I see a woman who is seething with anger.
“Brooke, please. Just listen,” I plead.
She continues to stare Trey down. “Finish it or I swear I’ll finish it for you.”
“Okay,” Trey ratifies.
Okay? Just like that? “What?” My head draws back and my muscles tighten. My eyes fill with tears. “Trey?” He doesn’t answer me. “Trey!”
Trey glances my way, his eyes unrecognizable. “I won’t mess with your future, Emma.”
I watch, dejected as he walks to the door. When I begin to move after him, he halts. “Don’t,” he commands. He doesn’t bother putting his shoes on. He just picks them up and walks out the door without a glance back at me.
My shoulders slouch and tears fall freely. “Brooke, why are you doing this to me?”
“He’s thirty-two, Emma. Do you really think it will go anywhere?” She walks past me and starts heading up the stairs to her room. “Don’t tempt me, Emma. I’ll have him out of that school in a heartbeat if you two even think about each other in any way that’s not related to swimming.”
I fall to the floor, clutching my stomach. Ali comes over, embracing me. She rubs my back and clutches me tight against her.
I cry hard as I think about this past month.
I should have said no.
I should have walked away.
I should have ended it.
But I didn’t.
And now I’m left aching in the absence of his presence.
Book Four
I try calling and texting Trey the rest of Saturday and all day Sunday. He doesn’t answer. I can’t sleep. Every time I try, my mind return to its torturous play-by-play of events. Brooke refuses to talk to me or even look in my direction. On Sunday, I hear her crying to Ali, telling her how much I hurt her and how wrong my relationship with Trey is. It’s funny how things come back full circle. A month ago I was listening to Brooke defend and apologize for her and Trey, and now, here I am trying to do the same.
Monday morning I head straight for his office. When I see that the lights are off, I walk to the aquatic center, not bothering to change in the locker room first. I walk through the halls feeling like a zombie, moving through the motions, but not paying attention to anything around me.
I know Trey can’t afford to miss our practices with our upcoming conference meet and the ACC championship fast approaching. My eyes immediately scan for him when I enter. The men’s swim team is just finishing up their practice. Jake, one of the guys on the team, notices my presence before anyone else.
“Emma, did you come to finally accept my challenge to a race?”
I give my best attempt at a smile. “Not today, Jake. I just came to watch my second favorite team while I wait for the girls to arrive.”
He swims to the pool edge. “Aw, come on? We’re just finishing up anyways.”
The main door opens and in walks Trey with Coach Johnson and the men’s assistant coach. Trey’s eyes find mine almost immediately and I stand up. His shoulders relax. I ignore Jake’s call for me to come back as I walk over to the coaches.
“Coach, can I talk to you for a minute?” My eyes implore Trey’s. “Please?”
Small beads of sweat line his forehead. He shoves his hands into his athletic pants. “Um, right now isn’t really a good time.”
I swallow the hard lump forming in the back of my throat and beg my wet, dull eyes to fade away. “Okay.”
My shoulders slump.
“Trey, go ahead, man. We’ll reconnect afterward,” Coach Johnson offers.
Trey doesn’t say anything. He just walks away. I quickly follow him down the hall and to his office. I can feel the tension between us as we walk in silence. He doesn’t look back to make sure I’m following or offer to hold the door open for me. Once we’re behind his closed office door, I give up on holding back the tears. My heart aches and I can’t let things end like this.
“Emma, please don’t cry.” He hesitates, reaching up, and then drops his hands back to his sides and tucks them away.
“Why are you doing this? We can figure it out.” Great, I sound like my sister, pining after a man who has rejected her.
He steps forward now. I can smell the leather and wood scent on his clothes. I crave to be closer. “I’m protecting you. I told you that I don’t want you to lose your scholarship. I could care less right now about this job. I’d quit tomorrow if it meant keeping you safe on the swim team and in good standing with the school.”
“Then quit,” I blurt out. Immediately I regret saying those words. It’s selfish to ask that of anyone, let alone the person you’re in love with. “Can’t we go to the dean together? You’re only filling in for this season, right? Coach Stephens will be back next year.”
The room goes cold at my words. I try to banish the thought, but it’s then that everything comes clear. Trey won’t be here next year. This was only temporary.
His eyes flick to mine. He knows it, too. “Don’t think like that, Emma,” he says. “We would have figured it out.”
“How? We never discussed your future plans. We only talk about my future. You never told me what you were planning on doing after the season ended. Were you planning on staying here?” I wait for him to reply, but his absent words are the confirmation I was looking for. “You said you loved me.”
“I do!” He takes my hands in his, bringing them to his lips and kissing each knuckle tenderly. “When you asked me what we were doing, I answered truthfully. ‘We’ll figure it out as we go.’ I didn’t know the answer because I knew there was the possibility I wouldn’t be here come March. I hoped, but my contract only goes until March 1, with a contingency on the ACC and NCAA championships. Then I would stay to see you on.”
“And you didn’t think what would happen to us?”
“I didn’t plan for us to happen or for us to get this deep, so I didn’t let myself think that far ahead. Your sister threatening to tell the dean would hurt you more than it would hurt me, and I refuse to allow that to happen. I have a university waiting for me in Michigan that would take me with open arms regardl
ess.”
“And you know that, why?”
“My father’s the dean of faculty in Michigan. He’d bury any story that followed me there.”
I nod. He has someone to make his problems go away, while I have someone who only makes mine worse.
“So what now?” There’s soreness in my lungs and throat. I know the answer to the question, but I need him to say it.
Still holding my hand, he gives it a small squeeze before immersing my entire body in a tight grip. “You get to keep your scholarship.”
My shoulders begin to quake and my heart swells.
“Your needs and future are more important to me. There will be a time for us, Emma,” he soothes.
“Just not now,” I say between sniffles. “What about my need for you? That’s important to me!”
“Emma, please.” He brushes away the tears with the pads of his thumbs.
I step back and clutch my chest. “You don’t care about us.”
His eyes close and his body shifts. “It’s because I care that I’m letting you go.”
I choke out a sob. My heart feels like it’s twisting inside my chest, filtrating pain through my bones. Numbness clouds my eyes and despair bathes in my blood. A hollow feeling takes shelter in the pit of my stomach.
Love is selfless.
Trey is selfless.
There's a soft knock on the door. I rub my eyes and tuck my head down as I slip out. The happiness I felt a few days ago, and the hope I held onto just moments ago, is now depleted.
***
Trey misses practice on Tuesday and Wednesday. Coach Johnson tells the team he had some personal things come up and would be out the rest of the week, but assured us he’d be at the race against Boston. I tried to appear unaffected, but I was barely holding it together inside. On Thursday I say I’m sick and stay home in bed.
Friday morning I force myself out of bed. The pain is so profound. It feels like I’ve broken something deep inside my body, but everything appears to be intact. I can still feel my heart beating, so I know it hasn’t split into two like people say a broken heart does.
I’ve detached myself from everything I thought I knew over the last month with Trey. I lived in a fantasy with him and coming back to reality really fucking hurts.
When I make it to practice, I sit in the corner off to the side and begin to stretch. Erin comes walking in a short second later with a female I’ve never seen before. She’s wearing a black pencil skirt and purple blouse with her hair pulled back in a tight bun at the nape of her neck. In one hand, she’s carrying a briefcase and in the other is a stack of folders. She laughs at something Erin says. Curious, I try to listen in, but can’t hear anything. I’ve never been good at reading lips, but I try and fail miserably. As they walk by and the mystery woman’s eyes flick to mine, I quickly look away, trying not to make it obvious that I was attempting to eavesdrop. I begin to stretch, my pulse quickening. Just as I look up, I see Erin pointing over at me.
Shit.
My breathing picks up and my heart falls.
“Hi, you must be Emma,” the mystery woman says as she walks over to me. Her heels snap against the tile. “I’m Rebecca. I’m with the university board of directors.”
“Hello.” I swallow.
“I was hoping I could borrow you for a few minutes before you begin your practice?”
“Oh, um.” My eyes dart nervously around the room. “Sure.”
Brooke did it. She went and told on Trey even when he did what she asked.
“Great, will you come with me to the dean of activities office?” She offers a warm smile. I try to read her face, but I can’t.
“Of course.” My hands begin to shake and my knees start to tremble.
I slip a pair of university sweats over my swim suit. Trying to hide my nervousness, I shove my hands into the front pocket of the sweatshirt.
They know. They have to know.
I have two options. One, run out of here and never look back. Or two, face whatever is about to be thrown my way and accept the consequences. I choose option two. I’m willing to accept my fate.
I see Brooke standing outside the dean’s door just as I enter the main office. My eyes go wide. When she sees the dumbfounded look on my face, her eyes crease inward. “Emma? Don’t you have practice?”
Rebecca is right behind me so I don’t have much time. I fume at Brooke. “What did you do?” I don’t care about the looks we get from the staff, which is in close proximity. I refuse to hide my frustration. She shakes her head, baffled. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
I shake my head. “I can’t believe you would do this.”
Rebecca comes to stand next to me. Brooke soaks her in then looks between us. Her eyes squint in confusion.
“Ready?” Rebecca asks.
I force myself around Brooke and into the dean’s office. He stands immediately when he sees Rebecca and me.
“Emma!” Brooke exclaims from behind me.
I ignore her, but she follows anyways.
“Good morning.” My voice shakes. I bottle up my frustration toward Brooke and try my best to appear calm and collected, but really my insides are twisting with mixed emotions of nerves and anger.
“Thanks for coming. I wouldn’t normally ask you to come here during a practice, but I missed you yesterday and I’m afraid I have a meeting shortly that I have to attend to, but I was hoping I’d be able to discuss something with you.”
I look back at Brooke, who is standing in the doorway. She looks just as nervous. Her chest freezes and any color that was on her face is now gone.
“Um, of course,” I falter.
“Coach Evans has been given a few days off.” Oh, shit. I’m not sure if I gasp out loud or not, but my hands cover my mouth. I wait, with my mouth hanging open for what’s to come next. He gives me a questioning look, but presses on. “He was supposed to be attending the faculty gala next Tuesday, but I’ve been informed he won’t be attending.”
“You see,” Rebecca cuts in. “He was going to be presenting Coach Johnson with the Outstanding Coach Award. I brought the idea up to the dean about having you present the award to Coach Johnson instead.”
I look around the room. Is that all? Is Trey not fired? “That’s what you wanted to talk to me about?”
Rebecca nods.
I’m so relieved. My posture relaxes. I hear Brooke sigh behind me.
The dean hesitates. “Is there something else we should be discussing?” He looks over the top of my head, to my sister, I presume.
“No,” I say, shooting up from my seat. “Of course not.” Realizing I’m standing, I quickly sit back down. “I’m honored you thought of me, thank you.” I blow out the air in my lungs.
“Coach Stephens will be there as well. We were hoping to have Coach Evans in attendance, but we know he’d be pleased with us asking you,” Rebecca concludes.
“It’s my pleasure. Um, Sir, may I ask where Coach Evans will be?” I ask the dean.
He looks to Rebecca then down at the schedule before him, picking up a pen. “We’ll be making a formal announcement next week. Thank you for your time, Ms. Peters.” Formal announcement?
I walk out of his office and past Brooke. We make eye contact but neither says a word. As I walk back to practice, I try sending Trey one more text.
Me: Where are you? What is going on?
I let a couple minutes go by. When he doesn’t respond, I reenter the aquatic center, which now looks so empty without him.
***
My mom once told me that you can never find love too early. You don’t want to miss an opportunity of a lifetime just because you thought you weren’t ready for something so strong or powerful. I’m beginning to think that’s not true. That maybe you can find it too early.
As I sit in the center of my bed with a bag of jalapeno potato chips and nothing but the glow from the TV dimly lighting my room, I wonder why people fall in love knowing it can cause heartache in the e
nd.
“Knock, knock.” There’s a light tap on my door. Ali comes into view. “Can you talk?”
“Sure.” I lean over and turn on my bedside lamp.
Ali’s stick-straight hair fans up as she walks into my room and bounces on the bed next to me. “How you holding up? I haven’t seen much of you.” I bite the inside of my cheek. Giving her a small shrug, I stay silent. “I’m sorry, Emma. I know you’re hurting.”
“I’ll be okay. Everything happens for a reason, right?” At least that’s what I’ve been told. I’m not sure what the reason was for Trey to come into my life just to be taken away so quickly, but there has to be some unknown life lesson associated with him and this situation.
She reaches over and pats the top of my hand. Her eyes are gentle. “She’ll come around. I know her.”
Yeah, so do I. “I’m not so sure about that. She and I never fight. I honestly thought she went to the board today.” I shake my head at the thought.
“Listen, I love your sister, but we both know how she can get sometimes. She was hurt when she said those words. I’m sure she’s just as hurt and confused as you were when you learned who Trey was. She’s the type of woman that falls hard, overreacts easily, but always accepts apologies within time. She’d never report you.”
“Well, I’m not taking my chances, as much as it sucks. And with him gone this past week, I feel this aching void. I didn’t get closure.” I look up at her, my eyes beginning to gloss over. “I love him.” I haven’t said the words yet, which makes them seem like a foreign language to me. I’m not sure I’ve ever even been in love with a man. The word tends to get tossed around so easily among couples that I’ve never wanted to say the words to anyone until I felt it. I know I feel it with Trey, even with the big gap of success between us. When I described the feelings of being in the water to him, I know that’s how I feel when I’m with him. He consumes my body. He makes me want to be one with him on so many levels, completing a part of me I didn’t know needed to be complete.
Ali’s body relaxes before me. “Em, falling in love isn’t something you plan for. Love happens when it’s meant to and it feels right. You don’t get to choose it, and you can’t force it. You’re not supposed to. Don’t be ashamed of falling in love with him.”