Special Entry 07/12/2012
There was just something different about this boy. He was an enigma, whom I willed to understand, intricate as a riddled poem, ominous as the roaring sea. His own ocular perceivers told a tale more preponderant than any story teller had written before, behind his dark cinnamon eyes was an entire macrocosm, a dimension of unknown ideas waiting to be discovered.
His face looks youthful, in addition to the beard he had over his face, his lips were chapped, his arms seem to be darker from the hours of labor, he had every instinctive interesting thing about a human being. He looked broken and would sometimes hunch his back, in a humbling way veiling the massive size of his frame. He was wise, smart, creative, funny; the only thing keeping me up at night. And I stood there pretending not to look at him, be like a bright light from the stars, he cascaded his face, and I was mesmerized, for a moment I had never optically discerned anything so ethereal like this before.
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At first, I did not think we would ever talk. But we have been doing so lately! And I discovered that we have many things in common, like our personal wishes and dreams for helping people. He has been helping me a lot in improving my writing skills and in preparing presentations, but we are colleagues and writing partners; nothing more. Not one of us has said anything about the energy that surrounds us every time I’m with him.
Who knew that common thoughts, dreams, hopes, and the same passion for writing could create a long-term pain for both of us? A month later, the relationship between Alex and I grew glamorously. Meantime, I didn't know that I was drowning in a forbidden sea that I should have never entered.
We supported each other; both of us were kind and caring. After few days, we started meeting each other; we used our pieces of writing as an excuse to stay together for hours. But respect and estimation were the core components of our relationship. But it seemed that something was going to happen inevitably; something like getting used of each other or, what I didn't expect, falling in LOVE.
I couldn't change the clothes I used to wear; all throughout my life I would wear my black Hijabs and white scarves, even at this time, when I wanted to impress him. But it never bothered Alex, and with him, I felt at home again. I remembered how to laugh from the bottom of my heart; better than any other time, I’ve discovered that life was heaven just like I use to think about it as a child; I figured at that moment, that I was the luckiest girl in the world, but I had never forgotten who I am; a Muslim girl, till that day…
We have different religions, different cultures, and different ways of thinking. I lived in a conservative society that has specific Islamic rules to follow; no mixed beer parties, no love relationships are allowed and many other things are forbidden for us, but to Alex's society those behaviors are all considered daily habits for most people; if not all. Therefore, I was always convincing myself that I must not think of loving that man. However, Alex strongly believed that I was a blessing from god.
I had heard a lot about Muslim girls, who study in foreign countries, committing mistakes; forgetting about their religion and their families' reputation. They get rid of their Hijabs and scarves; do unacceptable things that are forbidden in Islam.
"I am not like them!";I used to say sincerely.
Everything was seductive; all the people seemed to enjoy the freedom of doing anything they wanted, but I did not want to make such mistakes besides being raised in a respectful family with a good reputation, I knew this lifestyle was only a facade. By the way, Alex and I exchanged phone numbers and started texting each other every single day. I really got used to his presence throughout the day, and at night with his short lovely messages.
One fascinating night, I became so weak; truthfully I couldn't help blushing whenever I remember what I did. At that very moment, I was listening to very emotional music while interchanging messages with him, the lights of my room were off, hearing nothing but the lyrics that were uttered by the song I was hearing and I felt nothing but my heart's tempting words; I completely neglected what my mind was saying; I could smell nothing but his strong cologne; I was flying in a breezeless sky; breathing hardly and moving dizzily. Suddenly, I wrote the following words rapidly without even thinking of the results of my craziness;
"I love you, Alex", I said frankly.
"And I love you more, Aisha", Alex replied instantly.
I don't know whether you will believe me if I tell you that I heard his soft voice while he was admitting this; but I heard his voice and breath, it was strong like a tidal wave that had fallen on me, I could feel him, closer, as he leaned down to my ear while I was lying down in my bed; I smelled his fresh sweet lemon perfume; he was there with me. I felt safe and protective in his presence as always, but as soon as he got bothered by the burdensome sound of my pounding heart inside my chest, he swiftly faded away. I tried to call him, but I couldn't because it seemed I had received a love stroke that kept me speechless.
When he had gone away; I switched off my mobile and closed my eyes wishing that I could forget what I had done. I couldn't hide the fact that I was falling head over heels for that guy, Alex was my happiness; my passion and my everything. He meant the world to me.
It was the worst night I have ever lived as I was sure that I will never be with him because female Muslims are not allowed to get married with Christians, Catholics or with a man of any other religion except male Muslims. But I was no longer that rational girl as it was too late to keep myself safe from the coming killing love waves; I had already fallen in love.
Day in and day out, we were more sensitive and romantic. We were falling in love every single day; I knew that we'll never be together. But Alex kept on saying;
"I believe that you'll be mine!"
To be honest I believed the opposite… By the way, my intuition always says what's right.
I was falling deeply in love with him; however, he was trying to be logical, so he thought that we should be friends till a year passes, in a way, he wanted to prove himself;
"Just think of me as a friend!” he would say"
I didn't expect such a message, but I was stronger than to fall onto my knees so I respected what he wanted. What hurt me at that time is that he was all “chill”; he seemed careless and that would push me to make him feel jealous a bit. I was able to change his mood and it worked, as he wanted to visit and spend time with me that whole afternoon.
"I am talking to my Algerian friend, he's passing you his greetings!"; I said intentionally.
When I started talking about my friend, who's a married man that has four children, I didn’t tell him about this; I lied to him saying he was a single man who loves me a lot;
"I'm blanking out…Aisha stop it; I'm dying… I'm really feeling jealous", he responded callously.
At that day, I imagined that he was the one who told me that he was talking to a girl;
"Ohh…I would surely hold my bags and go where he is right now and take his soul away; kill him!", I said jealously.
One day, we were in class concentrating while the teacher was explaining the lesson; unexpectedly, Alex said while gazing deeply into my eyes;
"I love you!"
I was surprised, but I couldn’t keep silent;
"I love you too!", I replied rapidly.
The teacher continued with his lecture, and our colleagues were focused on him; taking notes and asking him questions while others raised their hands for their own questions. But I couldn’t focus anymore; Alex had opened the door for a different experience inside of me. I know I can't explain what I felt towards him exactly because the words that are at my disposal are utterly unsuited for this; it's like my stomach was filled with butterflies, I felt excited and happy whenever I would see him, I seemed to have lost my appetite; I felt I was full even when I ate nothing. I can't get him out of my mind; I have never cared about anybody as I cared about him...
I was afraid that he or one of our classmates would hear me, but I murmured silen
tly;
"I love everything about you!"
Alex was looking at me and wondering about the reasons that led me to talk to myself.
"You're making me crazy", he whispered with a big smile.
"Excuse me!'', I responded cheerfully.
"You have a gorgeous smile!'', he said calmly.
" Te amo", Alex added with bright eyes.
After a while, I replied bashfully; “Te amo mas!!!"
Neither the teacher nor our classmates noticed us; we were speaking like crazy people; we neither wrote nor understood anything that was going on, but to me, at that time, it was the most important lesson I had ever learned.
By the way; Alex is originally from Spain. He taught me many Spanish words that I will never forget, and I taught him some words in Arabic in return. Alex was so eager to learn my dialect, and he did overtime!
We would spend the whole day together, in school studying or outside roaming. I could think of nothing else but only about the things that related to him; even in class he would sit next to me. He was the first thing I would think of when I would wake up and the last thing I would think of when I would go to sleep. He was the air I needed to breath; Alex was one of my biological needs; I couldn’t imagine my days without him. He used to show me so much tenderness and kindness like my parents would give me. I was a fool for him.